Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

New BF and Puzzled

Fablegirl posted 9/27/2018 12:50 PM

So I met an older gentleman (he's five years older) than me at a local political fundraiser. We had a great conversation and I gave him my card. Mind you, I had sworn off dating anyone in my community because it is rural and most everyone knows my ex and my in-laws. He lives on a beautiful property about 7 miles from my house with acreage. He's not working currently, but he spent years in executive sales and made enough to not worry about money. He spends a lot of time volunteering for environmental organizations and political candidates. He has been divorced for 5 years, no kids. He was married for 18 years and is still friends with his ex wife, who lives in another state. We have been seeing each other for about a month. It is not a sexual relationship and he has not pushed. In fact, he has not put one foot wrong with me. He is polite, respects boundaries and has excellent manners. Even more weird is he attended a big party my family threw last year and I did not meet him. But when I told a couple of my friends about him one of them said, "I hope he wasn't that creepy guy who came up and started talking to us." I showed my friend his photo and she was almost sure it was him -- the other friend not so much. When I asked what was creepy about him my friend couldn't say -- just that he talked a lot about sales and kind of invaded her space. Since this was my family's party I don't remember anyone behaving "creepy" A part of me feels like this was really rude of my friend to criticize someone she doesn't know... another part of me worries that I have made a mistake. I have no confidence in my choices. Has this ever happened to anyone?

EvenKeel posted 9/27/2018 12:57 PM

I think this is normal...I mean we try to trust our own impressions as well as our friends/family.

Maybe this is the guy that gave your friend some weird feeling BUT it could be for reasons that had nothing to do with that guy (IE he subconsciously reminds her of a creeper from her past).

OR if he is someone that invades space - that could just trigger her. Some folks don't mind that, others (like me) it wigs me out.

If he was at your family's party - someone there had to know him? Can you find out who and see what they think of him? Maybe that will help you feel better?

As I say on here all the time, verify the person is who you think they are and pay attention to their actions vs words. It sounds like this guy has not done one thing so far that is a yellow flag to you.

I vote for continuing to see if since you like him but just keep your eyes open (as we would do for anyone new we are dating).

HappyTree posted 9/27/2018 13:13 PM

I have a friend who gets into others personal space all the time. I never noticed it, because that kind of thing doesn't bother me at all. But others have and therefore they find him a bit creepy. He also talks about music ALOT, which some people do not want to talk about. However, this is a very kinda man, wonderful father, etc...

I would keep it in mind, but make your own choice about this man. Not everyone is going to like everyone.

Thistles posted 9/28/2018 08:50 AM

I wouldn’t give a second thought to what your
friend had to say. It didn’t seem like much anyhow.
We all have different opinions of different people.
Having said that I would look him up online even
The judiciary case search.
Then I would just continue to move slowly.

Cheatee posted 9/28/2018 10:52 AM

Most of us have poor initial impression skills.

The lucky ones among us realize it. Others continue to pigeonhole people into whatever they first thought of them.

I've had a number of people in my life very much defy my initial impressions, for better and worse.

Cheatee posted 9/28/2018 10:52 AM

Most of us have poor initial impression skills.

The lucky ones among us realize it. Others continue to pigeonhole people into whatever they first thought of them.

I've had a number of people in my life very much defy my initial impressions, for better and worse.

SallyShrink81 posted 9/30/2018 09:11 AM

My two cents is that maybe your friend is jealous of your NB relationship. You, yourself, mentioned that she was being negative about a "random" person at a party.

If this guy is as great as you say and I hope that he is! He still isn't everyone's cup of tea. He has an ex wife and they are friends. So he's not a horribly toxic person.

My suggestion is keep your eyes open, listen to your gut, and keep enjoying your time with this guy.

better4me posted 9/30/2018 19:28 PM

another part of me worries that I have made a mistake. I have no confidence in my choices. Has this ever happened to anyone?

Although I haven't had this particular experience, your friend is just trying to be helpful. Take her comments in the spirit in which they were given.

The rest of the situation is just your mind trying to be helpful to you too. "Did I make a mistake?" "I have no confidence in my choices" etc is just the fall out of our experiences with making a bad choice regarding our XWSpouses. It makes sense to me that we are all a little gun shy after having our worlds' turned upside down by betrayal. Your mind is trying to protect you. And that is its job. The thing is, it isn't always right, just wary. (When my mind does this, I sometimes literally pat myself on the head and say "thank you mind for trying to keep me safe").

It may be helpful to remember that you are smart and wiser and more able to protect yourself now. If anything with you new boyfriend's behavior starts to creep you out, you can listen to your experience and make your decision then. You can trust yourself to look, listen, watch and learn about his behavior from YOUR experiences of his behavior. I think it is helpful to remember that every date with this guy is just another opportunity to learn about him. After every date, the only question you need to answer for yourself is "Do I want to see him another time?" If the answer is "yes" you ask yourself that question again after the next encounter with him.


One step at a time. One date at a time. One question at a time.

seekjoydaily posted 10/1/2018 00:30 AM

Dating a new person can be scary and it's not out of the norm to wonder about your choices. Sounds like your friend was trying to offer some advice but it is not too specific and it seems like she was not even sure it was him. So I would take her words with a grain of salt and just continue the relationship slowly and see what happens and if you notice any warning flags yourself. Have you discussed why he got divorced after 18 years? That might give some clues about him. If you give the relationship some time, you can figure out for yourself if this should be a long-term relationship. Best wishes.

Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy