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Brave30 posted 9/24/2018 14:11 PM

Trying to make this concise, so hang in there with me...

I'm having some issues with my fiance's ex-wife and his mother, mainly. His ex-wife doesn't like me, for whatever reason. That part doesn't really phase me. She cheated and left for OM. They had been divorced for over 4 years before we started dating.

My bigger problem is that the ex-wife is still constantly in contact with my fiance's mother and sister. And it is always about drama... for example, her boyfriend and how he treats her, or that she might lose her house. She throws herself a pity party about whatever nonsense she has going on and then messages my fiance's family about it. And, they don't see anything wrong with it.

My fiance has told his mother that he doesn't want her talking to his ex-wife unless it pertains directly to their child, and that should really only be on rare occasions regarding child care. It bothers him that after they divorced, especially over infidelity, that his mother and sister would continue this friendly relationship. His mom claims it is only because she feels obligated since his ex-wife doesn't have many people to rely on for emotional support.

Well, his mom recently talked to both me and my fiance about all of this and she insisted that she would keep things strictly about her grandchild... that lasted about two weeks. His mom and ex-wife are back to posting on Facebook and tagging each other about random things.

Most of the time I just roll my eyes and now I've actually hidden his mom from my timeline. But, I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't annoy me. She knows this upsets her own child and she didn't keep her word. I just don't think I could be that friendly with a woman who cheated on my son. There are ways to stay civil after a D that don't involve acting like BFF's on social media.

I haven't physically spoken to my future MIL since we had the conversation about the ex-wife. She has sent a handful of texts over the last two months, but that's about it. I'm really struggling. Having dealt with a WS that lied to my face and then went off and did whatever he wanted anyway, its a bit triggery. It also feels like a boundary issue. But, I'm torn because she is not my mom and I don't want to drive a wedge between my fiance and his mother.

Am I overthinking this? Am I being petty? Should I just let my fiance continue to handle it? I'm mad and hurt for him. Plus, if I'm totally honest, I'm a little mad and hurt for myself too. I tried to cultivate a relationship with his mom, but it seems like she would rather gravitate towards the ex-wife. That stings a bit. I just really needed to get this all out. It has been swimming around in my head for far too long. Any words of wisdom?

SallyShrink81 posted 9/24/2018 14:41 PM

Yikes! That sounds like a very sticky, uncomfortable situation.

I'd say first and foremost focus on your relationship with your SO. He sounds lovely with healthy boundaries.

You have no control over his mom or his ex-wife. Let their baggage be their baggage. Don't get sucked into their drama storm.

That being said I'd address your issues with your future MIL when they arise. Tell her that you are hurt that she doesn't seem invested in developing your relationship even though you are going to be her son's wife soon. The fact that your MIL is continuing her relationship with her son's XWW speaks volumes to her baggage and where her head is at. Again that's not your baggage don't pick it up.

You got this! MIL's are very tough but focus on all the positives around you

phmh posted 9/24/2018 20:44 PM

In my marriage to WXH, many of the problems in our M pre-affair were due to his mom.

If you marry this guy, you can expect this to continue. For the rest of your life. His actions are way stronger than his words, and indicate to me that you will always be second to his mother. You have a glimpse of your future.

How strongly has he asked his mom to not maintain her friendship with his XW? Has he imposed any consequences for her continued behavior? Is he in any counseling? (He likely has major FOO issues having been raised by a mother like this! Also, apples don't fall far from trees, so if she has major boundary and lying issues, I'd be wary.) Are there other instances where he has weak boundaries, passive-aggressive tendencies, and rug-sweeping behaviors?

The forum I most frequently went to prior to needing SI was one you can find if you google "MIL stories forum" - read there, perhaps post your situation, and see the horror stories that almost certainly will happen if things just continue this way.

I just see so many parallels - so many people on SI said they wouldn't have married their spouse had they known they were cheaters. So many people on MIL Stories said they wouldn't have married their spouse had they known how bad things were going to get with his mom.

Having been burnt once by a terrible MIL, this is something I'm sure I'm oversensitive to, but I'd be really careful about marrying someone in this situation, especially if they aren't in counseling to figure out how to properly deal with the situation (as he's been groomed for decades how to please her.)

Sorry to be such a downer - hopefully I'm blowing things out of proportion, but I definitely think it's worth thinking very strongly about what your future will look like if you stay with this man, especially as his mother ages and becomes more demanding.

(Lest I seem like a MIL-hating monster, my current partner's mother is super delightful!)

shakentocore posted 9/25/2018 12:54 PM

WH has a terrible FOO - many waywards do.

You can’t control the XW or your fMIL.
Your fiancé can’t them either.
You can’t control your fiancé (although you can insist on boundaries and refuse that they be violated).
You can only control yourself.

I don’t think it’s petty to let fMIL know that you will never have a close relationship with her as long as she is friendly with XW.

You and your fiancé can insist that MIL not discuss XW with either of you. And have a SOLID bonded of refusing to discuss XWs drama. Walk away / end any conversation about XW.

I am friendly with X- spouses on WH family side (no drama). I wouldn’t care if a family member or their new spouse didn’t want me to be friends with the X - they can’t tell me what to do. But I would respect that they don’t need to hear about the life of the former spouse.