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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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PaperInstead posted 11/12/2018 08:53 AM

DestroyedWayward thank you for your answer. When I meant comparisons I meant questions the BS would ask himself such as Did she think he was better looking than me? Did she find his body more attractive than mine? Did she enjoy sex with him more than me? Did she think he was funnier than I am ? Was she more impressed with his education, job, ect than mine ? Did she enjoy spending time with him more than me ? Did she love him more than me ?

[This message edited by PaperInstead at 9:10 AM, November 12th (Monday)]

destroyedwayward posted 11/12/2018 10:01 AM

@paperinstead - have you asked her? There was no doubt, for me personally, that I was "A'ing down". There are sayings that the AP are a mirror of the WS at the time of the A. Infidelity is destructive behavior. It was and will be the poorest reflection of myself. Cheating comes from a place of dishonesty and IMO, nothing genuine, true, good, and lasting, can come from that. I cannot speak for your WS, but my ability to cheat and who I did it with, says absolutely nothing about my BH. The fact that you are still here says volumes about you and your heart.

PaperInstead posted 11/12/2018 10:20 AM

Destroyed, my wife had a PA with a man who worked in a different location at the same company. They had sex when they went to the other location which did not happen very often. She said they had sex less than 20 times. She thinks it was 15-16 times over a one year period.

She did talk to him on a regular basis from her work phone about work issues. This is how they started their affair. He was very complimentary and flirty. Eventually he asked her to lunch and they ended up having sex.

He was a scumbag who cheated on his wife and had sex with my wife but I dont think you could say she affaired down. He is very financially successful, good looking man with a beautiful wife, kids and an incredible house in a nice neighborhood.

I dont think she affaired down except morally so I compare myself to him on a regular basis. She still hasnt addressed this problem despite several obvious hints.

So, no I did not ask her as directly as possible about the comparisons because it is humiliating and if I have to bring up the subject then her answers dont mean much.

How did you know to address some of the comparisons ? Was it simply intuition or did you read about it somewhere ? This problem seems pretty obvious to me. It is possible that my wife is not remorseful enough to consider my feelings on this issue.

[This message edited by PaperInstead at 10:30 AM, November 12th (Monday)]

destroyedwayward posted 11/12/2018 10:36 AM

@paperinstead - after DDay, seeing the trauma on every aspect of my BH psyche, seeing his reaction, answering his questions (the "why" and "how" could you), it was so apparent that he needed to make sense of it all. It is only understandable that my BH would question himself as part of the equation. For me, I didn't even consider this during my cheating or during the confession. I never expected that he would see it as his insufficiency and or his flaw. If by some miracle and his grace, we get through this, I still will never forgive myself for this aspect of my A and work endlessly for redemption there.

With regard to the AP in your situation, if I could offer anything, I'd say just remember that she is your wife. It does't matter who he is, what he has, his etc., there is no justification or accomplishment that would give him (or your WS for that matter) the right to do that to their own and another M. In all this, you have maintained your integrity and remained true to yourself and your honor. It is a pride that neither your WS, nor the AP, has, but you do. And you should be proud of this. I can only hope to rebuild this for myself and be worthy of it.

[This message edited by destroyedwayward at 10:39 AM, November 12th (Monday)]

PaperInstead posted 11/12/2018 10:43 AM

On a different message board I read two different waywards say they still think about their affair every day with regret to the point that it causes them pain due to their betrayal.

One wayward did divorce her BH more than eight years ago and is now happily remarried but she still feels pain every single day due to her betrayal of her first husband.

Another wayward is happily married to his BW but still thinks of his affair with regret every single day and feels pain every single day due to his betrayal.

Is it common for waywards to feel the pain of their betrayal for many years to come or perhaps the rest of their lives ?

hikingout posted 11/12/2018 13:00 PM

Most of us haven't been here long enough to know the answer. I am in my 16th month since affair ended, and I can say that the pain is better than it was in earlier times but still effects every day of my life in some way or another. I don't know if it lasts for years or forever, I think it depends on what the WS does. If they do the work to make changes in themselves and they stand by the BS through their healing, and they can create a better relationship at some point then I think there will some sense of healing from that pain.

I think that because knowing it's gotten better over time because of being very committed to my work, seeing positive effects it has on my husband's healing.

I don't know that it will ever not be part of my daily thoughts but I do think it can get better for him and for me.

ff4152 posted 11/12/2018 13:15 PM


At some point, try and examine who the OM really is. At his core, he is crap. You can take a pile of dog poop, put chocolate frosting on it, wrap it with some colorful paper and put a pretty bow on it. But at its core, itís still dog poop.

Aside from many other things, one of the biggest things I lost to the affair is my integrity and honor. IMO, that trumps a big house, good looks etc. You can always make more money, get plastic surgery to improve your looks, but you cannot buy integrity.

Those words may ring a bit hollow to you right now, but you still have that and I would give almost anything to have mine back.

PaperInstead posted 11/12/2018 17:57 PM

ff, Thank you for you comment. I understand that my wife's AP is a POS from one point of view but she did desire him enough to go back and have sex with him about 20 times over a one year period. She must have enjoyed the sex and was impressed by him.

He is also good looking and very successful.

[This message edited by PaperInstead at 6:03 PM, November 12th (Monday)]

ff4152 posted 11/12/2018 18:37 PM


Forgive me if this causes you any pain, but her going back to this POS say more about her/him than it does you. I truly know how hard that is to see. In my first LTR, I was with C for approximately 6 years. I know in my gut that she cheated on me throughout but I only caught her once.

I always thought (and she did nothing to dispel the notion) that I was lacking in some way. One of her APs was young, good looking and very successful. I always felt so inferior to him and it literally drove me to distraction.

During the time after this affair of mine, all these years later, I finally realized that I was the better man. Unfortunately I pissed that away by having an affair. Itís easy to understand why you feel lacking but in reality youíre so much better than him. Your wife going back to him isnít a testament to his appeal, itís a declaration on how broken your wife is. Do not try and apply logic to the WS mindset. You could have been Christ walking on water and your wife still would have cheated. How do I know? Because my wife is the equivalent of that. She is the most wonderful woman Iíve ever know and it didnít matter.

PaperInstead posted 11/12/2018 19:32 PM

ff, Thank you for the encouragement but I still feel rejected.

She was attracted to him because he was very successful and good looking. This will always be hard to get over.

[This message edited by PaperInstead at 8:05 PM, November 12th (Monday)]

destroyedwayward posted 11/13/2018 07:22 AM

@paperinstead - Please try not to continue comparing yourself, I understand this is difficult. As ff said, there is so much more worth and beauty with being an authentic person.
All these things about AP, are not attributes of value when the core is lacking. Being one's best comes from within. Focus on you, doing things that make you feel good, and gently, your WS should be helping you where she can. You need an an environment where you can recover. She may not know how to help with this and you may need to vocalize to her how she can. What can she do to help you? I think we as humans would like if certain things were done voluntarily without guidance from our loved ones. Somehow, we think it might "mean" more. But just because you need to request or ask for something doesn't mean the actions to do them aren't sincere. Intentions matter, but so do actions. Sometimes, they just don't come hand in hand.

Sending positive vibes.

[This message edited by destroyedwayward at 7:24 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

ButterflyBeauty posted 11/14/2018 17:13 PM

Hello Waywards:

I'm new and learning the rules, I hope this is the right place to ask WS questions. Do any of you have experience with AP threatening to tell your BS if/when you try to end the A?

Does this really happen or is it something that is more made up and told to BS to avoid or minimize accountability?

EvolvingSoul posted 11/14/2018 19:26 PM

Hi BeautifulButterfly,

You're absolutely in the right place. That was never an issue in my situation but I hope there will be people come along who have experience with it.

Welcome to SI. Sorry you have reason to be here but I'm glad you found us.

Lucky77 posted 11/14/2018 19:27 PM

Hi Paper

Hereís a big bro hug to you man
We come here from different places
I was banging a cute chick who was not my wife and that ended a year and a half ago
Iím still, tormented is not the word, but really consumed by the A
It keeps me tossing and turning all the time. She was fun and crazy. My W doesnít know and I havenít confessed.
We are NC for over a year. This is taking a long time to recover from and will prob take years going forward.

I hope your W starts stepping up and faces the damage sheís caused. Are you sure she is NC with the AP? If she is still cold to you be sure she hasnít taken it underground

ButterflyBeauty posted 11/14/2018 20:21 PM

Thank you evolving soul. I too am sorry that any of us find ourselves here but I am grateful for the support and insight. I have so many questions and am still trying to find out what to believe. Trusting right now is hard, not just trusting my BH but myself also. WH seems to be genuine, doing the work. It appears the tt is finally done but I'm scared to breathe. I understand its a process and doesn't happen over night. I want to start trusting him and move forward. If all his efforts are genuine and real,then I want to be able to support and encourage him with his individual healing. I don't want to make him feel worse bc I doubt him or keep him covered in shame. I don't want to make him feel bad and live being defined by his worst sins. The work we have done individually as well as in MC does make sense and explain how things are possible, it does explain some things that I can understand, even though I don't like it. (not an excuse but valid reasons) It is difficult and confusing because I feel like things are getting better and we are working in the right direction but then here I see that there are more times that BS ends up being in false R or deceived again. So I don't want to be a fool again. I don't think I can take another set back.

destroyedwayward posted 11/15/2018 06:38 AM

@butterflybeauty - I also cannot comment on the particular situation since there was no such threat from the AP. I am sorry that you find yourself here, but there is much support and good intentions offered from this community from WS and BS alike.

Regarding your WS, you know your spouse best. You married him and he did something terrible to you. I think all the "evidence" you might get from his behaviors or progress will still require a leap of faith and grace/compassion (which we as WS have no right to ask for but you already seem to have much of) from you. It really is yours and yours alone to give, with or without his best efforts. Best of luck to you in this and positive thoughts.

Sayuwontletgo posted 11/15/2018 07:46 AM

Hi butterfly. My AP did threaten me about telling anyone. He told me that no one would believe me anyway because he would deny it and say that I was just looking for attention. Which after my BH found out AP absolutely convinced his GF that I made all of it up. I did my part in trying to tell her so Iím at peace with that now.

I would like to point out now though looking back this was a completely empty threat. Had I questioned it even a little it wouldíve fallen through. Also if I really felt that threatened then why did I continue? All things that your WS should really think about. There is no excuse so donít let him try to use it as one. So to answer your question itís probably both. Yes they may have been threatened but logically saying that the threat was valid and they continued to be involved is complete bullshit. Figuring these things out takes time though, itís hard to question your own thought processes and it can also be confusing. If he seems genuine and willing to do the work heís probably just trying to process all the crappy things heís finding out about himself. Hopefully he continues to be open and make the changes you need.

ButterflyBeauty posted 11/15/2018 13:52 PM

Thank you for your kind words!! I do have faith, grace/compassion but if I'm being honest, I am also afraid I can't take another betrayal. I am willing to forgive and love my WH. I believe we can have a wonderful M and move forward to really live and enjoy the rest of our lives together and share something special. I know that this will take a lot of work on both of our parts and as long as WH is committed to doing what he needs to for himself and his own healing, I am willing to work on R.

Thank you for sharing with me. I can't believe he would respond that way to threaten you..what a jerk!

My WH's AP was threatening to tell me every time he tried to end it with her. That's what he has told me and it has never changed. He is adamant that he isn't lying. She would threaten to tell me, go to his job, etc when he would try to end the A, or basically when he wouldn't do what she wanted him to do.
I pointed out to him as soon as he told me that's what she would do that it was an empty threat and she had no intention of following through because she knew it was her only leverage! Smh, it does make me angry that he wasn't able to see that for himself or strong enough to just man up, take responsibility for his decisions and tell me himself rather than let someone keep that over his head and use it for him to continue destroying me, our M and our family. UGH. WH has admitted that he can see it as empty now but he never believed it was a bluff. Even though she would often come back around to "if this is all I'm going to get I'll take it" which further let him know it was an empty threat. That is what allowed him to continue to stay doing it thinking she would keep her mouth shut and he would continue to get meaningless sex a few times a month! WH says that even when she said that, he never believed that her threats were empty and always believed that if she didn't get her way, she would tell. He knew it was wrong but was to afraid to take the risk, call her bluff end it and come clean to me. WH does admit that it is no excuse and That regardless of the threats, it is 100% his fault because he put himself in that position. His selfishness and issues caused him to compromise himself and our M and family and those same things are what kept him in it.
He says that he should have never put himself in that position, he wishes he was stronger and able to end it right away but more importantly he wishes he was strong enough to not have gotten involved in the first place. WH says he isn't lying about it , it did really happen and he was really afraid. He said the fear was real but it still doesn't excuse his behavior. He continued to get sex and ego kibbles? I don't know if that correct or not, he got to feel wanted and have his ego stroked by someone wanting him and to get off- he has owned that. So I am wondering- say it's true and i believe him, does it make a difference to me? Does it change anything in my mind or my heart either way? IDK...sigh

ButterflyBeauty posted 11/15/2018 14:02 PM

oh actually I guess the threat wasn't really empty, she eventually followed through on her promise as it turns out she waited almost a month after he told her it was over and when he didn't change his mind or go to see her and was responding to her text less and less, she continued to ask if he was sure this is what he wanted. He said yes and BAM! Here we are

ButterflyBeauty posted 11/15/2018 14:08 PM

What is it like when you feel you are doing your best as a WS and have made real progress but your BS still has a hard time seeing it, trusting you or questions if it is genuine? How did you help BS through this to feel more safe to try trusting you again?

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