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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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aslan18 posted 10/30/2018 05:51 AM


When you say:

I can only tell you that at the time I was really wanting to escape. While I canít say that I wanted to divorce I canít say I was happy with anything in my life and would maybe have been alright parting at that time. I didnít think that our life and marriage could be different.

This is exactly how I feel right now about my marriage... and really my life since learning of the affair. Like I just need to escape. At least for awhile...

Thanks again!

TICKED OFF posted 10/30/2018 12:06 PM

H had an affair 14 years ago with his good friend's wife. They live 2 houses down from us (they still live there to this day) Unfortunately I have to pass the house every day and at times see either fow or her h. Add to it that, after my h and ow were caught, both ow and her own h (yes, he backed her on it saying I was crazy) took me through hell with 2 years of bunny boiler shit. A judge finally told them to cut the crap or they would both be punished.

My question --- WHY everytime (like this morning) when I drive by and see ow's h, does he look at me with daggers in his eyes. I mean the man literally hates me and looks at me like he wishes I was dead. Yet when my h is with me and the man sees us, he doesn't look our way at all. This has baffled me for a very long time now. After all, it was my h who was having the a with the guy's wife, not me. Can any of your WS's answer this question as to why I am the one hated so much by ow's husband? I would think that he would be more compassionate towards me since he and I were in the same boat what with both of our spouses screwing around with each other.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 12:09 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 10/30/2018 15:14 PM

Since he is a bs would it make sense to pose this to other bs folks under general? It sounds like he resents you for telling? You told him? I canít tell enough from the details you provided. Did he never believe the affair occurred and still thinks that you lied to cause trouble?

YoNoTengoAlegria posted 10/30/2018 17:45 PM

Is there really a possibility she will look back at her sex with the AP and see it as disgusting/terrible or will she always have some fond memories of having sex with another man ?

SixtySix10000 I am one of those WH that looks back at the A with the AP and see it as disgusting and terrible. So yes, it is possible. The difference between your WW and I is that there was always shame attached to the sex with the AP. I never saw it as exciting, or fun. Maybe that makes it easier for me to look back at it and see it the way I do. I can see that the AP was a horrible person, and I have no fond memories of her. Maybe, once your WW becomes truly remorseful and regrets her actions, she will see it differently. Honestly, I don't know how a WS could have good memories of their A after seeing what it has done to their BS, how it has destroyed them. But, from reading many post here on SI, a lot of WS can.

TICKED OFF posted 10/30/2018 18:39 PM

"hikingout" - yeh I thought about posting it in general, but I thought I would get the perspective of the WS. But maybe it should be in general. And to answer you question, the woman is a serial cheater. She left her first h AND her two young daughters to be with the current h. (my neighbor) After my h's a with her, she had an a with the lawyer who lives behind her, then the man who lives across from us. Also her boss at work (I knew a supervisor who worked there who informed me of it). And who knows how many more since then.

I actually was talking to my mom today and asked her the same question. She seems to think that I made him realize (again) what his wife really is. Maybe this is true. Could be why he came after me with a vengeance when she went ape shit for two years. Thanks for your answer though.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 6:53 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 10/30/2018 19:07 PM

Maybe he simply thinks you lied? She convinced him that it never happened? So he thinks your husband did nothing which is why he diesnt give dirty looks. Also he may be afraid to show himself in front of your husband.

DomesticTourist posted 10/30/2018 21:24 PM

Maybe he thinks youíre a gossip.

TICKED OFF posted 10/31/2018 00:04 AM

DomesticTourist ---- Well I did tell everyone who would listen to me about the a ow had with my h. Especially the ones who lived on the block to protect them from her.

twisted posted 10/31/2018 14:13 PM


Have you ever actually talked to him and asked what the deal is? Does he know about all the other affairs, or has she convinced him that you are the crazy one causing trouble?
Has he ever confronted your husband? Have you asked the other BS's in the neighborhood what his deal is.
I thinking like you, he should be more than sympathetic to you since you are in the same position.
Maybe he was trying to keep it quiet, he thinks you blew it up.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:13 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

eolus posted 10/31/2018 22:56 PM

How much or your day was/is spent trying to salvage your relationship, before and after feeling what you consider to be real remorse? Was there a change in this effort after you feel you crossed from regret to remorse?

Could you work effectively? Did you sleep well? Could you meaningfully worry about other things?

Barregirl posted 11/1/2018 05:17 AM

How much or your day was/is spent trying to salvage your relationship, before and after feeling what you consider to be real remorse? Was there a change in this effort after you feel you crossed from regret to remorse?
Could you work effectively? Did you sleep well? Could you meaningfully worry about other things?

In the early days after dday, I spent the majority of my time reading books and articles on infidelity, researching ICs in my area, and talking to my BH. I still managed my professional life with no issues, but no, I did not sleep well. I was very focused on my M and how to heal. As time went on and I moved from regret to remorse, I think that the level of intensity changed. My work became more effective, and time did its job. We began to heal together and spend more time rebuilding the M we both want than salvaging an M that was broken. I can't stress enough the importance of time in this journey.

Sayuwontletgo posted 11/1/2018 06:03 AM

Eolus, we have 3 kids 2 of which are under 5 and have special needs. The time that I can take to sit down and focus on reading or seeing a counselor is /was very limited. Right after Dday we would stay up together until midnight or 1 to talk or argue. I slept okay only because of being exhausted on a daily basis. I functioned with the day to day because I had to for the kids. Compartmentalizing served me well during the first few months to just get through the day. I think our situation and where we are in our lives has a big part to play in how much time it appears Work is being done. I can tell you that I spent every sit down break looking up books to read or reading here. I also would take time for self care for my sanity. I agree with barregirl that time and patience are so important. At the start of it I wouldnít have known the difference between regret and remorse, through the time it takes to learn and to re train the way I thought and reacted thatís where the meaningful change can take place. A little over a year out itís not as many late night arguement but we talk about the A everyday. Thereís still a lot to talk about and learn from.

hikingout posted 11/1/2018 08:11 AM

The first year was all consuming. It's a miracle that I have been able to hold my job. My focus was shit and no I couldn't effectively worry about anything else. I don't think I cared about anything else enough to worry. I am 16 months out Post A/14 from DDAY and I think it started getting better around month 10. The last several months have been more productive. I think I just decided that I could not go around feeling that way any more and something had to give. I can get through several hours in a day without thinking about it now. I don't swim around in guilt and shame for long periods of time. And like what Barregirl says, the work that I have been doing has been way more effective.

Remorse to me was when I was able to focus more on him, and that only happens when we are not playing victim to the circumstances we created ourselves. For so long I concentrated on my pain more than his, wallowed in shame. And, while I can get in little flurries of that I am able to recognize and self-correct both internally and externally.

thatbpguy posted 11/1/2018 08:23 AM

To WS's...

For us BS's there are things we now hate (see current thread in Reconciliation). Someone brought up an interesting thought- are there things you now hate such as places, dates, movies, songs, sayings (words).... as a result of your betrayal?


hikingout posted 11/1/2018 09:15 AM

Oh gosh, there is a lot.

Their are entire bands that I would have listened to prior to A, they are his favorite so they are tainted. There are certain clothes I probably will never buy and wear again. Movies and TV - there is nothing specific (we never talked about movies or TV nor did we watch anything together) but there will be something that will happen during an episode or a movie and it will take me back to that time. There are certainly specific songs during that time that we shared with each other that I can not imagine ever wanting to listen to again. When they come on I almost always audibly say "Oh hell no" and switch it quickly. I don't want to visit the city it happened in, which is no real loss, it was kind of one of those places that once you have been you can check it off your to do list, it doesn't have a draw back appeal.

Sex is still an issue sometimes because I remember that I shared myself this way with someone else. If I can quiet that and focus on the moment it's fine. It's never that I am thinking of the AP during sex like a fantasy, it's more realizing the level of vulnerability and the fact I removed it's sanctity. That one is getting better now but it creeps up on me when I am least expecting it. I hate it because I love being with my husband in that arena and it's just unfathomable that still gets invaded and quite involuntarily. I am doing mental exercises for it.

destroyedwayward posted 11/1/2018 13:47 PM

@eolus - I am about 5 months out and there is not a moment of my day that is not consumed by thoughts of my BS, the infidelity, and/or my whys. Even when I'm doing another activity, there is some part of my consciousness focused on that. I am not proud to say that I am just skating by at work, but unfortunately, I just can't focus.

When BS is around, I shift all primary focus to him and make myself present and available. I actively engage in activities that help him heal/recover. For me personally and currently, I cannot fathom a time that I won't be engulfed in this. Right now, while I hope my actions are helpful for my BS recovery, my overthinking definitely is not -- it's not doing me any good either. I'm currently trying to find strategies (not very successfully so far) to moderate the thinking to a "healthy" amount. Enough so that I'm still making discoveries and finding new ways to help BS, but not so much that I'm overwhelmed with negativity.

Can I ask why you ask?

WilliamM posted 11/1/2018 14:22 PM

Did you have a false R at first? Why were you more committed to the affair than the marriage if you did? How did you realize it was false? How did you switch from false to real R?

hikingout posted 11/1/2018 14:44 PM

I don't feel we had false R by any means. In this context I assume you just mean we had an agreement to stay together and see if we can work it out. Some people use the word on the site in different contexts but that is how I am reading this question.

I do think it took some time to get over the A and adjust my mindset about AP.

When I confessed, I wanted the marriage. Most of this was logically, my emotions were all over the place. I operated under a commitment of trying to see if things could be different. I didn't concern myself that much with my emotions, if that make sense. I have done other things in life where you make up your mind, you commit to it and you let your emotions catch up. I told everything, I was in IC for two months prior to telling. I was here as well saying ridiculous things.

So, no not false R, but months and months of getting a grip.

YoNoTengoAlegria posted 11/1/2018 15:02 PM

For us BS's there are things we now hate (see current thread in Reconciliation). Someone brought up an interesting thought- are there things you now hate such as places, dates, movies, songs, sayings (words).... as a result of your betrayal?

thatbpguy Her name. I hate it. It is a big trigger for me. It's one of those names that can be male or female and it is so damn common. I come across it so much. A club I frequent, a street we drive by, characters in movies and shows. This past weekend, I was at a toy store with the family and I was interested in these bath toys for my children. I was about to show my wife and then stopped myself when I saw the name of the company. Yup, her name. I triggered so hard I told her we needed to leave the store and I left in a hurry.

The A was 10 years ago. So I either don't associate anything else with it because of time, or I have just reclaimed things.

I just thought of something else. Not that I hate this, but I can't enjoy it like I used to. My all time favorite show is MASH. I have the whole collection of DVDs. I have watched the entire series from beginning to end probably 15 times. I tried to rewatch it recently and couldn't get past 1 DVD. If your not familiar with it, there is a lot of infidelity scenes in it. They showed infidelity as both common and funny. It was based on the 50s and ran in the 70s. It probably was common then, not sure if it was funny though. Anyways, I don't ever think I can enjoy the show ever again.

[This message edited by YoNoTengoAlegria at 3:04 PM, November 1st (Thursday)]

eolus posted 11/1/2018 15:44 PM

Barregirl, Rouge0719, hikingout, and destroyedwayward, thank you for your replies. I am on the other end of an affair with a similar timeline to least two of you and we have very young children. My WS is nowhere near where you all are and just adds to the disappointment I feel because I know she could accomplish anything she wanted to. I encouraged her to join the WS forum and post and learn, and like so many other things that would have helped, it did not happen. It has to be self-led.

destroyedwayward, I asked because I expected the answers you all gave, and they would not be the same answers from my WS. It reinforces what I need to do for myself because I can learn how post-reveal years look for people I believe are remorseful. SI is most useful to me showing what it looks like when WSs fully try in different stages of their comprehension (regardless of individual outcomes).

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