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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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SixtySix10000 posted 10/25/2018 19:04 PM

Waywards:

I read a post saying that after waywards "get it" and become "remorseful" they will see the affair and even the affair sex differently. They will see the affair and the affair sex with disgust. This is hard for me to believe.

My wife admited that sex with her AP felt "new, exciting and similar to an addiction".

Is there really a possibility she will look back at her sex with the AP and see it as disgusting/terrible or will she always have some fond memories of having sex with another man ?

Barregirl posted 10/25/2018 19:05 PM

Sixtysix10000, as not a new WW, my BH and I have addressed the emasculation that occurred. Your dday was very recent and there are many threads in General that address the topic of sexual-related things that WS can do to work through this with the BS. Brainfreeze's question was not explicitlt sexually-related, so I responded with my truth. If the question had been sexual in nature, I likely would not have answered it, as some things I prefer to keep private.

BrainFreeze posted 10/26/2018 07:09 AM

My question was not intended to be from a sexual perspective.

This may sound crazy... contradictory... but I want to believe my wife... and when she is sitting right next to me talking I do, but then, a little while later, that little dude in the back of my head starts screaming ... "Hey!!!! Wait a minute!!! Does she really mean that? She has lied to you before." I think the root of this is FEAR and when I realize this it is easy to ignore that little voice. Crazy right?

Anyway,

I read the words typed by Barregirl, HikingOut and other WW's and they feel so sincere. Yet my wife can say the exact same thing and I have doubts. I guess that's to be expected. Sad for what was lost between my wife and I.

So... Once again, thank you Barregirl, and HikingOut. Hearing the words come from a 3rd party, help to corroborate the words my wife tells me.

@Barregirl - I'm sorry you lost sleep.

Ddayoct2015 posted 10/28/2018 06:18 AM

My question is: did any waywarda here discuss the affair with a counselor while the affair was ongoing? For the purposes of this question Iím talking about during the affair, while your BS did not know about the affair. If so, what guidance were you seeking from the counseling with respect to your affair?

Barregirl posted 10/28/2018 07:43 AM

Brainfreeze - no worries on the lost sleep. I really enjoyed thinking about this question. And I was thinking about what you said in regards to fear. I think that your fear is completely justified and understandable. It is nearly impossible to trust someone once they have lied. My BH and I go through this as well. All the time. From my perspective, I know that sometimes saying these kinds of things is absolutely terrifying. I have caused so much pain and heartache with my choices and actions and who am I to even ask for love and trust ever again. In a way, asking for R for me is like that dream where you go to high school naked. You feel raw and vulnerable, humiliated, and absolutely terrified. And yes, these are consequences that are deserved (and things I have never mentioned). But as time has gone on and my BH seems to believe the things that I say, the fear recedes a little bit.
So what I was looking to say (and not ramble on) was that if I can help you believe what your WW has told you, then I am happy to lose a little sleep.

BaxtersBFF posted 10/28/2018 09:56 AM

Ddayoct2015,

I saw a total of four counselor (IC, IC, MC, IC). The first IC was probably right when BS was figuring out the issue was an affair, so maybe not fitting 100% into your question. That first IC was only two or three sessions, not helpful to me, and ultimately was not going to be someone I would listen to regardless of whether it was affair related or not.

The second IC was while the EA was still going on in my head. She tried many things to get me to even move from the place I was choosing to be stuck in. She asked how the previous week had been, if I had talked to BS, if I had decided what I needed to be happy. Affair-wise, I think she tried multiple times to point out how irrational my thought processes were, but she didnít understand affairs like we do here on SI. I stayed at that IC for a couple years, chose to stay stuck and try to hang on to the EA in my head. She couldnít help me because I couldnít help myself.

MC was more blunt, and I couldnít ďhideĒ with BS sitting there next to me. He was direct and would have BS and I sit knee to knee and answer questions about us, not necessarily the affair. That might have been the most helpful, as I donít have a poker face at all.

Last IC helped me too, turned more to FOO. I realized I would not leave BS and the family, but still struggled against the drug of the EA.

We also did one couples retreat a bit before MC. Again, I wasnít in a place at that time where I was willing to move out of the rut I was in with memories of the EA, but we learned communication strategies that we still use today.

Hope this helps some.

DogsnBooks posted 10/28/2018 14:38 PM

Waywards ... What was your ďcome to JesusĒ moment? When did you know you HAD to end the A, or stop the TT, or otherwise get your butt in gear?

Looking back, is there anything that would have made you have that ďcome to JesusĒ moment sooner? Do you wish you had?

ff4152 posted 10/28/2018 20:26 PM

DogsnBooks

Mine came shortly before I ended it. One of the things that started it all was a column in one of those online advice columns (like dear abby) Long story short, a woman cheated on her husband and got pregnant. She couldnít hide the fact that the baby wasnít her H because she is white and her AP was black (her H was white as well). I recall feeling horrified for her H. That led me to read other stories about infidelity which brought me to SI. Reading awful story after awful story really shined a light on how awful infidelity is and not what Hollywood would like you to think.

I was still in the fog when I ended it but I finally had enough of a conscience to stop for good.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 5:49 AM, October 29th (Monday)]

LewyBodyD posted 10/28/2018 22:46 PM

Waywards:

What are the hardest things about being a WS in a marriage in recovery or R ?

WilliamM posted 10/29/2018 01:56 AM

When was the first time you felt real empathy toward your spouse after the affair? When fo you recognize their pain and realize and accept that you caused it? How did it effect you?

[This message edited by WilliamM at 1:58 AM, October 29th (Monday)]

hikingout posted 10/29/2018 07:10 AM

Ddayoct15,

I donít know if this qualifies but when the A ended and before confessing I started therapy. This went on for two months before telling my husband.

I wanted to understand why I would do such a thing, what I should do moving forward, and in some ways to inburden myself by being able to talk to someone out loud about it.

hikingout posted 10/29/2018 07:12 AM

LewybodyD,

Knowing that I canít undo it? That I have permanently scarred the beautiful marriage we once had and my husband who didnít deserve that in anyway. That this will always be part of our narrative moving forward.

hikingout posted 10/29/2018 11:16 AM

William.

I had to think about that. I donít have a good answer because it was so gradual. And I believe as a wayward I thought I got it early on when I most certainly did not. There is a blinder at play here because you donít know what you donít know. As each stage has progressed the understanding has as well. So many aha moments. Itís difficult to pinpoint because itís evolved slowly over time for me. Sitting here I think I get it now but two weeks from now I maybe proven wrong again. Probably not the answer you were looking for but that the best I have.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:28 AM, October 29th (Monday)]

aslan18 posted 10/29/2018 13:10 PM

It really helps to read answers from the lady waywards here when their response lines up with the things my WW says. It helps quiet the little voice in the back of my head that is constantly telling me not to trust a damn thing she says.

But if others are on here saying the same thing... why would they lie? So maybe she is telling the truth?

So here is my question. So far I cannot buy any single answer my wife has given me.

Why are you so desperate to save a marriage that you worked so hard to destroy?

hikingout posted 10/29/2018 13:35 PM

That is a great question Aslan.

While I was slipping into and conducting the affair my mind was completely on just doing what I wanted to do. I saw sisoon write something the other day that rang true to me: it was to to the effect of he was collateral damage of his wifeís affair but not the target. And I think thatís just one way the marriage and the bs is not considered.

We had been together 25 years. Married for 22. We had a great relationship. In the year and a half prior to the affair a number of things happened that I didnít take time to cope with. I got to the place my life was very out of balance and I wanted to escape or run away. That was a terrible way to cope. I just got to a place I didnít give a shit about my life anymore and I didnít recognize myself in it.

But at the same time very little of that had anything to do with my husband. Instead of seeing him as a life raft I saw this fantasy as one.

When it was all said and done, nothing was my husbandís fault. He had been a good husband. Even the preA issues were mostly a result of my mishandling. We had a good marriage before m. Why wouldnít I recognize my bad decisions and wish to reverse them? It was the worst set of decisions in my life.

Itís no mystery to me why I would want even a glimpse of that back, the mystery to me is why my Bh would want me after I totally disregarded him, gave him the biggest pain in his life, and treated him like he never mattered. Honestly I think thatís the bigger mystery when people stay and try to work it out.

numb&dumb posted 10/29/2018 15:55 PM

WS what is the one thing(s) that your BS has done that has helped you in your healing ? Reconciliation ?

hikingout posted 10/29/2018 16:30 PM

We are not reconciled yet.
However he has kept communication open. I read a lot of women saying that their h wonít discuss the affair or they are greeted with disdain when they bring up what they are learning. I donít know what you do with that. Early out he was very up and down as to be expected but he hasnít shut me down the way others describe. He has been respectful despite what I have done and there hasnít been name calling and those sorts of things. We have gone through periods when things were far from calm, but I canít say he hasnít been fair even though he didnít have to be. He has also been very firm, and I think that is very important in understanding the expectations and added motivation. I am pretty self propelling but if he had coddled me I donít know if I would have gotten things as much or have worked as hard as II have.

So overall, his ability to hold his boundaries, yet be respectful has been a very effective combination. The grace he has shown me is mind blowing.

aslan18 posted 10/29/2018 17:03 PM

Hikingout

Your situation, from my seat, closely mirrors that with me and my wife. You are older (I think), with your spouse longer, with different pressures (it sounds like your kids are older) but many of the things you post here sound like they could have come from my wife. So thanks for all the good work you do here. I think it really helps. I know it helps me.

I don't think I have a wayward mentality. Why wouldn't I have an affair? Because I wouldn't want to hurt my spouse and my family that much and I'm afraid of losing all I have worked so hard to build.

If I were to have an affair it would be to replace my spouse... So I struggle so much with understanding how she could treat me so poorly but want to stay in the marriage...

Your post mirrors the things she says, which is good, but not something I can understand. However the following quote was something that I CAN understand and not something my wife has said:

Why wouldnít I recognize my bad decisions and wish to reverse them? It was the worst set of decisions in my life.

So while I cannot understand your behavior, or hers, before this point. I can understand wanting to correct a mistake. So thank you.

As for your final paragraph...

Itís no mystery to me why I would want even a glimpse of that back, the mystery to me is why my Bh would want me after I totally disregarded him, gave him the biggest pain in his life, and treated him like he never mattered. Honestly I think thatís the bigger mystery when people stay and try to work it out.

I'm not sure about your husband's reasons but I'll share mine (even though this isn't the WS questions for BS's" thread.

We are lashed together with two very young kids (remember, she had her affair during her pregnancies). I had an absentee father and I'll be damned if I don't see those kids every day. Also, if we were to sell the house and divorce, neither of us would be able to afford a down payment on a mediocre used car let alone on a house (and we live on the east coast so it's pricey...)

But those things make it painful to leave. I haven't left because she seems to be a different person. If she was acting even like the way she did before the affair it would be over. She's acting like a damn grown-up for the first time in her 35 years on this planet and I'm try to give her a chance to show me what that means for her, for our family, and for us.

Thanks again...

hikingout posted 10/29/2018 17:27 PM

Aslan,

Thank you. I understand why you would not understand. I would not have understood either prior to this episode.

I can only tell you that at the time I was really wanting to escape. While I canít say that I wanted to divorce I canít say I was happy with anything in my life and would maybe have been alright parting at that time. I didnít think that our life and marriage could be different. But in doing the work I have done and really recognizing Ieam the one who needed to change it showed me that all I would have been escaping was a good life and taking the broken person with me.

My h did not have the kids or really finances to consider. I think at first he was in too much shock to do much of anything, and he cling to our history and that we had a good marriage and I had been a good wife. Then I think he kind of gave up for a while because he decided that didnít matter. And eventually I think he came to where you are that he could see the changes and consistency so he keeps extending the time. Right now I think we are actually operating with no time frame.

But yes he did nothing wrong and I knew we loved each other deeply for a lot of our marriage. And I thought we could get that back. I am there and maybe one day he will be too.

Barregirl posted 10/29/2018 21:02 PM

WS what is the one thing(s) that your BS has done that has helped you in your healing ? Reconciliation ?

I honestly think that the one thing my H has done to help us is try to communicate. He has never shut down, not stormed off since dday, not ignored texts or calls, and is always willing to talk. He is amazingly strong and steady. And though we are not R'd yet, he has given me faith that we can get there.

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