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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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WilliamM posted 10/18/2018 02:31 AM

Yes, she was. If you want to know more. IM me. Dont want to get in troubnle with the mods. This forum is for WSs to answer BSs questions. Im not a WS.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 2:34 AM, October 18th (Thursday)]

mamabear22 posted 10/18/2018 12:09 PM

EvolvingSoul
Thank you so much for your reply.
Your honesty is appreciated and your screen name says it all. Your soul has truly evolved.

I believe that like you my husband wanted it all.
I hope that like you, my wh's soul can evolve and that he can see all his truly fucked up thinking.

I hope that you have reconciled. You sound genuinely rehabilitated.

Thank you again for your reply. IT gives me hope for my WS.



SweetCreamPie posted 10/18/2018 12:34 PM

I can theoretically understand hysterical bonding from the BSs point of view. They want to reclaim their spouse.

1) is the desire for hysterical bonding a one sided phenomenon ( BS only ) ?

2) if the WS is caught and forced to end the A what is their motivation to participate in hysterical bonding ?

3) if the WS has strong feelings ( romantic or love ) for their AP does that make sex with their BS miserable ?

4) what is sexual desire like in general for the WS after Dday ? ( how does losing their AP sex partner effect their desire for their spouse ? )

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 12:53 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]

wifehad5 posted 10/18/2018 19:34 PM

SweetCreamPie,

For the last time, this is not the place for you to chastise or debate the WS's who are answering questions.

BrainFreeze posted 10/19/2018 09:00 AM

why is it that some wayward wives (at least Hobort's, BrainFreeze's, and mine) want their emotionally and/or physically cuckolded husbands to meet their paramours?

I have to tell you all, that quote really fucking pisses me off. Cuckold implies that I wanted this and that I knew about it. (open your favorite porn site, do a search for cuckold and you will see) I most definitely did NOT want this AND I did not know about this betrayal and I was not sitting in the room watching. I never meet my wife's AP.

I was betrayed. My trust and love was taken for granted and discarded like yesterday's trash. What my wife didn't know, what that she threw away a gem... not trash.

If you wish to talk down about yourself, feel free. But fuck off for calling me a cuckold!

Why the fuck wouldn't you use the word betrayed there? Are you trying to be hurtful? Filth F!@%, Foul, more filth spewing from my mouth.

<BrainFreeze centers himself>

Now for the reason I opened this thread and found the above quote ... TO ASK a question... not insult people. This is hard enough... why the fuck would you say that?

<Ohmmmmmm Ohmmmmmm>

This is a spin on a post from General about what a wife should be. Same kind of question... For the WW's out there...

What do you want from your husbands now? What does it mean to you, to be a good husband?

Don't say "Be a cuckold" I swear to god I will study voo doo and curse you and your entire family! <-- This is me trying to inject humor... please read it as such.

To all the WW's that answer on this thread, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you putting yourselves out there. It benefits me greatly. You ladies are so very brave and I respect you for the changes you are making in yourselves and the effort you put in. I cannot thank you enough for sharing with me.
A very sincere Thank You!

Barregirl posted 10/19/2018 09:43 AM

BrainFreeze - at this point for my BH and I we are building the relationship we wanted before but were never able to make work. We have open, honest communication, frequent and good sex (with both of us initiating), and connection. Gone are the days of spending more time on our phones than talking to each other. To me a good husband is an engaged husband and a good wife is an engaged wife. Making each other and our M the #1 priority makes us a "good" couple, IMO.

hikingout posted 10/19/2018 10:16 AM

Hi BrainFreeze,

Thank you for always being respectful, I appreciate that greatly. And always bring good humor to this sucky situation we are all in one way or another.

Okay so what barregirl said is a great answer. For me, the biggest change is the engagement and effort from both of us.

My first reaction to your post is that I had a good husband to begin with. As you well know the decision to have an affair rarely if ever is a statement of one’s spouse. It’s a statement of who we are as someone who cheated. My husband was/is a devoted family man. He is a good provider. He is a good best friend, marital partner, lover, etc. But I think you have your mind on an improved marriage to some degree rather than an improved husband?

So that’s why I liked barregirl’s answer better. My h and I both need to learn to have a good life balance (both are very hard workers and high achievers in our careers/businesses), rememering that none of any of it matters if we don’t protect our marriage, make it and each other our highest priorities. We both avoid conflict and I am not begging for conflict but sometimes we both defer to each other on things and I would like us to engage more fully in what we both want. Sometimes I think we defer because it’s easier. My biggest complaint prior to affair is that we did not have an emotional connection. I clearly see the ways that I contributed to that now and am hopeful by not stuffing my feelings that will build a greater bridge for us. I don’t know if I will have new expectations of him to build that more until I can see how my changes effect our marriage.

I am babbling now. All this to say focused attention and effort. As far as who he is as a man, his sensibilities, his generousity and heart, no I could never ask for more.He genuinely had been a good husband and he does have a cute butt.:-)

SeventyFour posted 10/19/2018 10:48 AM

Brain Freeze,

I'm an old guy, really old. I don't read or watch porn, unless you count Playboy, which I haven't looked at in more than 50 years.

I'm also old enough to still have a big, hard copy dictionary: Random House, Second Edition, Unabridged (1987). It defines 'cuckold' as "the husband of an unfaithful wife." A typical use of the term, it says, is: "to make a cuckold of (a husband)"

Cuckolding, at least as defined in this dictionary and as I understand it, is all on the wife (and her paramour). They are the sole perpetrators. The husband is the unwitting victim. There is nothing in this understanding about the husband either wanting or knowing about being cuckolded. Indeed, this would seem to undercut the standard meaning of the word.

Sorry if I (unwittingly) pissed you off. Maybe the meaning of the word has changed in a way of which I am unaware. If so, the difference between us would be generational. I am also vaguely aware that the word is currently used by some political extremists to challenge or ridicule the manhood of those they oppose.

BrainFreeze posted 10/19/2018 11:44 AM

74,
Merriam-Webster agrees with your definition as well...

Urban Dictionary defines it as such:

"A man who willingly encourages his wife to sleep with other people because it brings him pleasure. "

OR

"A man who finds arousal in watching his girlfriend/wife having sex with another man." - Basically the same as previous definition.

OR

"A sexually inadequate husband who accepts his wife's pussy is her sole property and she alone decides which men she will fuck,even if it means denying her husband. His only access to her pussy is to clean it of the ejaculate of males she chooses to fuck."

These latter definitions are the only meanings I have ever known.

I did not know the meaning of this word in which the husband was unaware.

I believe that modern culture would interpret this word the way that I did....

I will try not to jump so quickly next time... but please... change that word to "betrayed"... it's a much better word in this context.

I have PM'd 74 with the above so as not to dilute this forum.

I have also already spoken to my therapist about it and I am much better now.

remorseandgrief posted 10/19/2018 21:33 PM

EvolvingSoul says, (in response to the question, "Why would WS want BS to meet AP?") "I brought AP into our home under the guise of him being a "friend." I wanted him and BS to like each other and get along. I wanted them to have shared interests. (I know how fucked up that was)." I was much like this.

I suggested that my husband and I visit AP and his wife. I wanted to maintain the fantasy that we were just friends. I had a one year plus one week email EA, and met AP two evenings at a high school reunion, and shared one kiss (PA). I suggested the visit after the reunion. If we were all just friends, then I could continue to deceive myself that AP and I were just friends and that everything was okay and that I was doing nothing wrong.

EvolvingSoul also says, "The truth was that I thought or cared very little about how my husband felt. . . .I cared mainly about having my fix." This was me as well. I too acted out of selfishness and greed. I also now think I wanted both my husband and AP.

Hikingout asks why more WW do not respond to these questions. I often agree with you, hikingout. You often say what I am thinking. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I then think I have nothing more to add. I read and consider these questions and respond directly to my husband, not in posting on SI. My husband regularly reads these threads, more often than I do, and suggests that I read them, for which I am grateful. I then read them and respond to him. I want to know what he is thinking. I welcome his suggestions. I welcome the opportunity to consider and confront the questions, and to respond to them. I find this very helpful, but often not easy, as I have to confront myself. An important function of SI.

A third, related concerned, described by EvolvingSoul, I think, is her BS's description of his image that the AP was the schoolyard bully that pushed BS down and she was the disgusting little toady kid who crouched down behind him so that the push knocked him down. My BS has a similar, but more intense and vivid dream/image and that I cheered when BS was on the ground. This image tortures him. I am ashamed that I was the cause of this continuing torture to him.


WilliamM posted 10/20/2018 07:57 AM

Did you BH ever come to you and ask "Are you having an affair" either before you had the affair or during the affair? How did you handle on that question?

Sayuwontletgo posted 10/20/2018 08:55 AM

William- He never asked me that specific phrase and that’s how I think I justified it in my mind. I didn’t see it as lying if It wasn’t a direct yes or no question. I knew he trusted me blindly and even when he suspected that AP and I were closer than just friends he would ask me things like “you know you can tell me anything right” and I knew what he meant. I was a coward, I took advantage of his trust in me to minimize any interaction I had with AP. I used the cliche phrase we are just friends far too often.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/20/2018 18:03 PM

If there is anyone here who left their BS immediately or very shortly after they discovered your affair, what was your reasoning at the time, in your own mind? I apologize if this question has been asked before.

My WW was one who switched off all emotions for me shortly after I caught her. Zero chance to R. False hope for a week only to get her ducks in a row. In hindsight, she said things which were clearly signs that she had no intention of leaving her AP (a coworker) and saving us. Then later, when she realized I was going to make out in our divorce settlement, she obviously held back a deep outrage that I would come after "her money". Im certain this helped her stay cold during the dismantling phase. All in all, 6 weeks to dismantle a 12 yr relationship.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/22/2018 19:47 PM

Hi again WilliamM

Did you BH ever come to you and ask "Are you having an affair" either before you had the affair or during the affair? How did you handle on that question?
Something I told myself often during the affair was that if he ever asked me directly, I would come clean. I was a master of the lie of omission. But even that was a lie I was telling myself.

We had a number of "come to Jesus" conversations where he said how unhappy he was with the status quo and I would promise that things would change without getting into specifics. And then of course they did not change.

Probably the closest he came to asking me directly was saying "My friends at work say it sounds like you're cheating on me." Even though it wasn't in the form of a question, that was pretty much the same as asking me directly. So I blew through my own self-imposed boundary because I was too much of a coward (fearful of blowing everything up and losing one or both relationships) to tell him the truth. That was probably a year or so before he finally drew a hard line.

BrainFreeze posted 10/24/2018 14:57 PM

If there was one thing that you could make your BS understand about your A. What would it be?

hikingout posted 10/25/2018 10:27 AM

If there was one thing that you could make your BS understand about your A. What would it be?


Oh gosh, there would probably be 2 things. But, I think the #1 thing I would choose for him to really, really know it had nothing to do with him. There wasn't a deficit on his side. It wasn't he wasn't handsome enough, a good enough lover, a good enough husband, or anything that he was or wasn't.


The other would be that:
I wish he could see inside my head so that he would know just how much I want him and our marriage and how he doesn't have to worry about this ever again.

I prioritized the first one because I think that one would have more impact on his healing. He shouldn't have to question any of that, it's 100 percent on me.


DogsnBooks posted 10/25/2018 15:07 PM

Waywards ... What was your “come to Jesus” moment? When did you know you HAD to end the A, or stop the TT, or otherwise get your butt in gear?

Looking back, is there anything that would have made you have that “come to Jesus” moment sooner? Do you wish you had?

Barregirl posted 10/25/2018 15:40 PM

BrainFreeze - I was up most of the night thinking of the way to answer your last question, so I first want to say thank you for the thought-provoking question. (When something keeps me up, I know I need to dig into it). What do I want my BS to understand about my A? That it had nothing to do with him at all. My A was a selfish, immature action taken out of fear with zero regard for anyone other than myself. I also wish he could understand how fully committed I am to him, to our M, and to our continued success at R. I would want him to know that I work on myself everyday, reading here and elsewhere. I want him to feel my love, respect, and desire all the time. I want him to understand the gratitude I have for being given this chance, and how determined I am not to squander it. I want him to see the hope I have in our future together. And I want him to understand how deeply remorseful I am, how sorry that I hurt him, and how much I hurt when I see his pain. I took him for granted and will cherish every moment he allows me to have with him going forward.

SixtySix10000 posted 10/25/2018 18:54 PM

Barregirl:

I am a brand new BH.

I just read your response to "BrainFreeze's" excellent questions.

As a betrayed male the most important thing I would want to know is that sex with me was better than sex with the AP. Better yet I would like to hear all the negative things about sex with AP.

Actually I would like to hear as many thing about AP as possible across all topics.

SixtySix10000 posted 10/25/2018 18:58 PM

Waywards:

What can you do to help your BS heal sexually after the affair ?

What can you do to help heal feelings of sexual rejection and worthlessness ?

What can you do to ameliorate harsh answers to impulsive questions your BS asked about the details of your sexual affair ?

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