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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/13/2018 12:11 PM

Thanks Rogue - he has overloaded.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:28 PM, October 14th (Sunday)]

Jimmy1962 posted 10/14/2018 16:17 PM

I am wondering who all knows about my wifes affair of 20 years ago. Her lover was a married policeman. I wonder if he talked or bragged to others about screwing my wife. The police are a tight knit group that look out for each other.
My question is to men that have had affairs with married women. Did you tell friends and is there a understood code of silence amongst men to keep a secret? My wife would have been something to brag about. I am sure the POSOM got a extra thrill out of screwing MY WIFE because of me. I was successful and I am sure that added a bonus for POSOM.

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 4:18 PM, October 14th (Sunday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 10/14/2018 16:23 PM

Jimmy- I hope you don't mind if I offer some insight. I am a BW, but I have worked with police for 16 yrs. I have heard it all. If they were both single- yes there would probably be bragging. In my experience if either party is married they don't say much of anything. Maybe to their best, best friend? But even then it's pretty hush hush. They may even make jokes or inferences- but wouldn't throw her name out there.

Chaos posted 10/14/2018 18:41 PM

For those in R and that broke NC - why? Why when given the most precious and gracious gift of R - did you risk it all just to communicate with AP?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 10/15/2018 05:40 AM

DestroyedWife, you have a pm.

heartbrokeninaz posted 10/15/2018 10:46 AM

Just wondering for the repeat WS why did you continue to make bad choices after you were caught the first time? Was the work not put in? Did your marriage stay the same as before and you couldn't figure out how to change? It's been 5 years since my WH got caught and I found out he has been texting someone I know all summer long. They didn't actually meet but to me it's still cheating. I don't understand what his thoughts are especially after how he saw it hurt me so much. Just looking for some insight.

Mamacesto posted 10/16/2018 05:36 AM

Heartbrokeninaz - I'm wondering the same thing. Just discovered 2 nights ago my WH has been communicating with his ex college GF. I am one year out from dday and he has been communicating with her since 2015 - including this past year. All behind my back. But he says it wasn't an EA. They're just friends.

mamabear22 posted 10/16/2018 11:05 AM

A few of us BS have this question and would like some WS input.

The following is copied with permission by SeventyFour

So, anybody here, why is it that some wayward wives (at least Hobort's, BrainFreeze's, and mine) want their emotionally and/or physically cuckolded husbands to meet their paramours?

Is it a form of sadism? Do they think they and their paramours will somehow get off on humiliating their duped husbands? Will they get a thrill at making eyes at each other behind the cuckold's back? Do they hope to be able to leave the betrayed husband talking with the paramour's wife while the two of them cook up an excuse to sneak off for an hour or two to kiss, hug, make out, or for a quickie in a car?

I don't know the answer, but I'd like to find out. Anyone here have any ideas?

So I ask the same question...not only of WW but my BH said the same thing .
"you will really like her" and then we had a party and invited her and her husband. There was a chance that they were going to try to sneak away, but I was on to them by then and think I foiled that plan.
Part of me believes that he just talked about her so much that he wanted me to meet her so he could talk about her more without me being suspicious. But why not try to keep it hidden altogether? Do you really think we want to meet these people?

mamabear22 posted 10/16/2018 11:23 AM

heartbrokeninaz & Mamacesto
I have wondered this myself. It scares me to death that I am doing all of this work. it is taking a long time and My WH is doing everything right now but do they think we just forget? He still is not able to see it from my pint of view so we continue counselling. And going to really set some boundaries so that he know what is ok and not, what is friends and what is not.
My Wh has read the book not just friends but I think it passed right through and did not stick at all.

If I could say for certain that down the road this was going to happen again then I would cut ties and run now.
I hope some WH chime in here.

hikingout posted 10/16/2018 12:19 PM

I have been seeing a number of theses posts stack up. I wish I had answers for you all on these (breaking NC, having AP meet spouse, etc). I don't see many WH's come here at all. I don't know if it's that they don't know about the forum or how it works or if they just aren't inclined.

I am wondering if it would be appropriate for a mod to write a little blurb about this forum and put it on the wayward side. I would do it but I don't want to overstep my bounds. Mostly the questions here get answered by WW's, and usually not a big variety of them. I think it's not just a suggestion to provide the insight, but it's helpful to the waywards that it's here as well. Honestly this particular forum has been a good place for me to process thoughts because the questions are almost always like journal prompts. It's also a great way to give back in some ways.

Anyway, I hope it's okay that I answered this with another question, but it seems like to me it would be possible to get more participation if people knew to seek it out.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/17/2018 20:49 PM

Hi there mamabear22

So, anybody here, why is it that some wayward wives (at least Hobort's, BrainFreeze's, and mine) want their emotionally and/or physically cuckolded husbands to meet their paramours?
I'm sorry to say that I'm one of those WS who insinuated and thoroughly integrated AP into every corner of my life including my life at home. The affair had been going on for about four years online when AP moved to my area and it quickly went from an emotional/cybersex affair to an emotional/physical affair. AP was single and a lot younger than me. I did not want to leave BS. I wanted to have both.

I brought AP into our home under the guise of him being a "friend". I wanted him and BS to like each other and get along. I wanted them to have shared interests. (I know how fucked up that was.) I told myself over the three plus years of the physical affair that I wanted to eventually come clean with BS in the hopes that he would agree to share me with AP. (I know how fucked up that was.) Looking back on it I think that was a lie I told myself. I think what I was actually doing was trying to hide my affair in plain sight. I think the "logic" was that BS would think that there was no way that I would be that blatant, just like when a shoplifter walks out the front door of a store holding merchandise in plain sight because there's no way they'd be that blatant if they were stealing it, right? (I know how fucked up that was.)

One of the way I pretzeled my brain to justify this was that I believed I had "rules" about behavior with AP when we were at my house. There was no sneaking off to have sex or anything like that. There were a few times when he grabbed my ass clandestinely and I gave him shit for it. I was carefully maintaining the fantasy (within the fantasy) that when we were at my house, we were friends. When we were at his (parents') house we were lovers. (I know how fucked up that was.)

The result of all this was tremendous damage to BS. It turned out he did not suspect that there was a physical affair going on but only because 1) he trusted me and 2) he could not believe, not that I would be so blatant, but that I would have chosen AP as a person have an affair with. BS told me numerous times that he thought AP wanted to fuck me. I laughed it off, told BS he had nothing to worry about, etc. (I know how fucked up that was.) BS thought that one day AP would go over the line and make a move on me and that would be that, I would kick him to the curb. It was devastating when he discovered the truth.

All the times behind my back that AP made jokes and double entendres that made it clear to BS what he was up to, BS just thought he was blowing smoke. It turned out to be true. BS said it felt like AP was the school yard bully that pushed him and I was that disgusting little toady kid that crouched down behind him so that the push knocked him down.

The truth is that I thought or cared very little about how BS felt, except in as much as it impacted me negatively. I mainly cared about having my fix without interference. Hiding in plain sight seemed the best way to get as much of my fix as I wanted.

It is very hard to write about this. It makes me cringe and tear up. It took me a long time to come to grips with just how egregious my behavior was and also what I allowed AP to get away with. It wasn't sadism though. It was selfishness.

I hope this answers your question.

SweetCreamPie posted 10/17/2018 21:37 PM

When I read about the cruelty of Waywards it makes my wife's two year sexual affair easier to understand. She had sex with another man hundreds of times over two years. Cruelty. She also had sex with me on some of those same days. Cruelty.

Cruelty is part of the Waywards behavior.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 10:29 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 10/17/2018 22:22 PM


Thank you for your honest response to mamabear22s question. Although I have not posted any questions here as a BH, I do read here often and gain good insight. The real value for me as a BH to understand the mindset of the WS can only occur if you are brutally honest. Thank you. I know it is very difficult for you. Please do not be deterred from answering a legitimate question from a BH by a cheap potshot. Your honesty and forthrightness about your thought process at the time gives us an opportunity to see how the mind can rationalize behavior that in hindsight you find despicable. By the way we are all not only capable of cruelty, but in my case
I will readily admit to being unnecessarily cruel to others at times in my life. I regret it and tried to make amends, but it is still part of my history.

To all WSs who take the time and effort to give an honest response on this forum, no matter how difficult, I want you to know your efforts are appreciated.


WilliamM posted 10/17/2018 23:21 PM

SCP, what Evolvingsoul shared is what you want from your WS. Pure honesty. And you know it hurt her BS tremendously. But it hurt her too. I know the pain of hearing it very well. But I cannot imagine telling someone you love that you betrayed them. I can't imagine how it feels to share your story knowing how it makes you look. She said typing it out brought tears to her eyes. Very powerful and real.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 11:24 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

SweetCreamPie posted 10/17/2018 23:31 PM


The most severe pain felt by EvolvimgSouls BS did not come from her honesty. It came from her brining her AP into her husbands home.

WilliamM posted 10/17/2018 23:51 PM

No denying the pain her bs felt. But she is far from that person now. She is still married to her BS. She even kept saying how mess up her thinking was. How messed up what she did. The goal is to move beyond infidelity. That goal is there for both BS and WS. When my pain was new, I would have hated to read this. But this type of truth from a WW is what you want. Because it will help you decide can I or can't I R. This type of truth cones from remorse because it's not about her. It's about helping others hurt who have no answers to hard questions. I respect that greatly.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 11:56 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

SweetCreamPie posted 10/18/2018 00:16 AM


I don't even know what to say.

SweetCreamPie posted 10/18/2018 00:30 AM


Was your wife ever this brutally honest to you? If so about what topic(s) ?

iamanidiot posted 10/18/2018 01:37 AM


The truth is that I thought or cared very little about how BS felt, except in as much as it impacted me negatively. I mainly cared about having my fix without interference. Hiding in plain sight seemed the best way to get as much of my fix as I wanted.
Thank you for your honesty.
My spouse did the same, brought him into our house, socially, tried to make me like him. I could never understand how/why?
You have helped me remove another block that I kept tripping over.

SweetCreamPie posted 10/18/2018 01:50 AM


What did you do in response to your wife bringing AP into your home to meet you ?

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