Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

WilliamM posted 9/23/2018 20:04 PM

Post deleted.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 7:13 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

SweetCreamPie posted 9/23/2018 21:55 PM

WWs

I read that women who have affairs are frequently doing it to exit their marriages. Was that your case too ? How common is this ?

My wife never complained about our marriage and seemed pretty happy. Is it likely she had an exit affair if she had not been complaining ?

I simply don't understand her motive of having an affair except if it was just for fun sex but the articles I read say women don't usually have affairs just for fun sex. I am confused.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/24/2018 06:05 AM

WilliamM, you have a pm.

MrsWalloped posted 9/27/2018 19:05 PM

SweetCreamPie,

I read that women who have affairs are frequently doing it to exit their marriages. Was that your case too ?

Mine wasnít.

I think if you read here long enough youíll see that women have affairs for many different reasons or justifications we tell ourselves. And yes, for some itís for fun sex and for others itís emotional, and for others itís an exit affair and for others there was never any thought of leaving the marriage.

My wife never complained about our marriage and seemed pretty happy. Is it likely she had an exit affair if she had not been complaining ?

What does she say?

MoreThanBroken posted 9/28/2018 21:56 PM

For WWs:

How do you view sex with your BS now?

We are past the HB part, she rarely initiates (I've asked her many times to do so to show she wants me) and at times she doesn't seem to enjoy (I trigger during sex usually, and shes saying she triggers from me triggering)

She says it's a big part of connecting for her (me as well)...so why wouldn't she want to do this more than once a week?

SweetCreamPie posted 9/29/2018 01:32 AM

MsWalloped:

She said she had her two year sexual affair with a little romantic feelings mixed in for fun sex and excitement.

I don't know what to believe about her motives. Two years is a long affair.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 1:35 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

SweetCreamPie posted 9/29/2018 01:35 AM

***Edited out question to BS***

How does a WS trigger ? Why do they have trauma ?

Can a WS explain how they trigger during sex or any other time ?

An interesting question is how do WS experience sex after the affair.

I am pretty sure my sex life as a BS is harmed or destroyed forever. That would also effect my wife because I would have less desire for her and less interest in sex in general.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:17 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]

SweetCreamPie posted 9/30/2018 12:31 PM

When a WS is in the fog are they primarily focused on their affectionate feelings toward their AP or is it both AP and BS ?

Does the fog prevent any real ability to bond to the BS

Jimmy1962 posted 9/30/2018 17:38 PM

Topic: Asking wayward men: Did you talk / brag about conquests??

I am wondering who all knows about my wifes affair of 20 years ago. Her lover was a married policeman. I wonder if he talked or bragged to others about screwing my wife. The police are a tight knit group that look out for each other.
My question is to men that have had affairs with married women. Did you tell friends and is there a understood code of silence amongst men to keep a secret? My wife would have been something to brag about. I am sure the POSOM got a big thrill out of screwing MY WIFE because of me. I was successful and I am sure that added a bonus for POSOM

Lorisa posted 9/30/2018 19:20 PM

How to WS cope with a long term affair during the growing and developing of their children. My spouse was with his AP during the most crucial years of our two sons lives. They are now grown l. The darkness that comes with that would seem overwhelming. Is it? Or maybe it isnít. Do you block it out?

hikingout posted 10/1/2018 12:04 PM

For WWs:
How do you view sex with your BS now?
We are past the HB part, she rarely initiates (I've asked her many times to do so to show she wants me) and at times she doesn't seem to enjoy (I trigger during sex usually, and shes saying she triggers from me triggering)
She says it's a big part of connecting for her (me as well)...so why wouldn't she want to do this more than once a week?


Hi Morethanbroken,


I hope it's okay that I respond to this. I also hope that you did eventually see that I did address my defensiveness in your thread and I apologized for it.


So, I will start out by saying this hasn't been the exact problem for us. During his anger phase, sometimes it was difficult to know what his reaction would be to my initiating. I had to get very good with rejection. So, there were times that the negativity I was getting was definitely at odds with what needed to be happening. It seemed like mixed signals to me, but I understand why things are not always logical especially when it comes to these tender matters.


I can see why you are at an impasse. You need for her to initiate and show you desire in order to help you heal, but she sees the pain it causes you during and it makes it somewhat a negative experience to both of you. It's good for the connection, but she has to feel like she is stabbing you in the heart in order to do it. That feeling is probably not contributing to recreating passion for either of you.

First, you both need to recognize what you are doing is not currently working. Are you in MC? It seems like they could give you some exercises to try to assist in minimizing mind movies for you, help her see that the request that she have more sex with you needs to supercede the conflicting emotions that come with it, and help you two communicate more productively with it. I think that's what most couples fall down on - communicating effectively so that both people are understood and then coming up with solutions from that.

Maybe you need to back up and punt. Meaning, what if the physical intimacy that you increased at first were things that weren't triggering to you but she was able to exhibit desire? What if you all tried more sensual touching like massage, and you both upped the physical affection outside of the bedroom? She showed more desire towards you in ways that you are less threatened by and less likely to trigger? I don't know the answer, but I would encourage you both to get creative because for sure if what you are doing isn't working, it's not likely to suddenly just start working.

SweetCreamPie posted 10/2/2018 17:22 PM

It seems like most WSs who TT refuse to tell all the physical details.

My wife admits to a two year long physical affair with some romantic but insignificant feelings.

Do you think she would TT or lie about the emotional aspect of the affair but not the physical aspect of the affair ? Is that common ?

MoreThanBroken posted 10/2/2018 23:09 PM

Hikingout,
I did read your other response and I appreciate it.

I would agree that what we're doing now is not entirely working. The sex (at least to me) carried me through the few days of pain and anguish and then I needed a recharge. What's hard now is that she doesn't want to have sex, she's willing to, but that's not what I need. I want to be desired by my wife, I want her to show the same passion she had for someone else shown towards me. I can understand that it may be difficult given her emotional response, however, the emotional response it's creating by not having sex seems far more damaging.

Flat out, if your BS says show me that you want me, you need to show him. Not for a few months, for a while. Until you build a consistency. I would gladly back up and punt, but her affection towards me is fading, she's saying she's learning to love me in different ways, which hey, that's great, but don't drop the ball in the area that you've created the most harm.

Having an affair takes away so much sexually in a relationship, it's only going to hurt your BS further by rejecting or limiting that. I cannot understand why there is a struggle to understand the magnitude of pain that results from an affair which directly relates to sex and feeling wanted.

How do you fix those things? Want your partner then fuck them.

So to me, there's either a deeper issue of honesty from her, or she doesn't understand the very deep pain she's caused and continues to cause because of her lack of actions. I suppose the other option is that she does understand and doesn't care.

In any case, yes, we have been trying to get connected with an MC although I have a challenging work schedule and with 3 kids, one of which is a toddler, two of which are special needs, it's not as easy as calling a babysitter. She has decided to pursue an online IC although I don't know where she is with that.

SweetCreamPie posted 10/3/2018 01:31 AM

Inappropriate comment

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:15 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]

nscale56 posted 10/3/2018 08:42 AM

Really????

MoreThanBroken posted 10/3/2018 09:04 AM

SCP,
You know very little of my situation, one aspect of my healing doesn't reflect the entirety of my wife's remorse, which I can assure she is. Advocating divorce is insensitive and unhelpful.

Besides, this thread is for WS to respond to BS questions. I'm not looking for other BS to weigh in. If ever I'm in a situation where I need to change my name multiple times and continue to ask the same question over and over again, I'll seek you out.

GoldenR posted 10/4/2018 23:37 PM

How I wish there was a "like" button for posts!

MTB, you win the internet today!

WilliamM posted 10/4/2018 23:37 PM

What were the thought processes that allowed a WS to go beyond acceptable personal boundaries?

LifeisCrazy posted 10/5/2018 10:03 AM

Only WS may reply to questions in this thread.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:10 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]

Humbled123 posted 10/5/2018 12:57 PM

Can you help me understand? Here's what bothering me. My w affair was 16 months. Here's some of the details on how she pulled it off. I had 100%blind trust. She used her friend as an escape away. Would go there at 9pm on some Tuesday's or Thursday's. Would leave the friends house at 11pm and meet him in his car for 1hr to 1.5 hr. This was his 2nd job work days. She would give me kiss goodbye, leave, id wait up for her, ask how the night was and usually have some kind of sex(regular or oral, more oral during this time). I never saw a change in her. Treated me good, mentally and sexually. She would talk to him pretty much daily, some times 3 or 4 time's plus the deleted WhatsApp messages. How could she lead such a double life so flawlessly? How in the world would someone ever trust someone that's so "good" at it? Can you give insight on how? I will add that i do believe in midlife crisis and the connection to foo issues. She was raped at 13 and molested several times.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy