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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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MrMagnolia posted 5/18/2018 19:04 PM

What is an opposite partner? Is that the affair partner?

I should have clarified.

When having sex with AP did thoughts of BS enter your mind? Vice versa?

Like, even just as a flashing thought?

Did that add or subtract to the experience?

Did any part of you feel turned on more by the deception?

WorstClubEver posted 5/19/2018 01:34 AM

1) How long did it take you to tell everything?
2) What didn't you tell, and why?

Heusedmeforyears posted 5/19/2018 03:55 AM

Why didn't you tell your spouse you wanted an open marriage?

MidnightRun posted 5/19/2018 04:01 AM

Has your bs specically talked about mind movies?

journey posted 5/19/2018 08:07 AM

During the A....
Did thoughts of your opposite partner not come into play during sex? Like, even just as a flashing thought?
Did that add or subtract to the experience?
Did any part of you feel turned on more by the deception?

I will assume opposite partner to mean AP based on the context of your questions.
Yes, I did have thoughts of my BH during sex. Often consumed with questions like why am I doing this? My BH knows everything about my body and would do this right. BH does this better. I thought what am I really gaining, I don't even like sex that much. I rationalized that away with thoughts like, AP cares for me emotionally. BH does not. But overall, it subtracted from the experience.
I think the secrecy added to the excitement and high, but it did not increase sexual pleasure. It increased emotional pleasure and since that is what I valued, it fueled the desire to be close and intimate with AP.

journey posted 5/19/2018 08:16 AM

I apologize ahead if time if this comes across as catty.
Why do you think you shouldn't hate yourself? Especially after destroying the life of someone you supposedly love.

How do you rationalize being ok with that, while watching the destruction you caused? On purpose.

I don't think I shouldn't hate myself. In fact I think I should most days and do. But my BH has given me the gift of reconciliation and shares why he loved me before the A and why he loves me now. I have to focus on those things and realize that although I don't believe it, what I did, didn't take those qualities away - at least not in his eyes and those are the only eyes that matter. In order to help my H continue to heal, I have to get beyond the hatred. I have to focus on the qualities my H saw when he decided to marry me. Yes I don't deserve this opportunity, but I am starting to realize for me, hating myself is the easy way out. I get stuck in shame and cannot move forward, cannot do anything really. And that helps no one, but importantly my H.

Darkness Falls posted 5/19/2018 11:28 AM

No, my husband has never mentioned mind movies.

hikingout posted 5/19/2018 14:24 PM

WorstClubEver- I told everything I could on dday. Meaning anything I think he wanted to know or had questions about. He didnít want sexual details so I skipped those but over the next few weeks he had specific questions about that that I answered. I tried to do a good job at not leaving anything and ripping off the bandaid as much as possible at first. But I had six weeks of IC and reading here to prepare.

I have told everything but he still didnít want a play by play of the sexual. I donít know if I could remember as well now that itís been almost a year but I feel he has the info he wanted he doesnít seem to be surprised or covering new ground any more.

MidnightRun posted 5/19/2018 14:48 PM

Hikingout & Darkness, you've referenced prayer and God post d day.

Darkness: "...and an affront against God and the good He wants us to do in this mortal life."

Hiking: "...meditation and prayer."

Did you believe in God pre-affair, or did the affair spur a spiritual awakening?

Darkness Falls posted 5/19/2018 15:57 PM

Iíve believed in God for the majority of my life. I was raised by an agnostic and a nondenominational Christian; I was not taken to church as a child but I did participate in Religious Education during elementary school (back in the Dark Ages when such a thing was allowed during public school hours) and Fellowship of Christian Athletes during high school. I suppose I accepted Christ sometime around junior high?

When I was in high school I felt led to explore the Catholic faith. At the time the only Catholic I knew was a great-aunt on my motherís side. My (small, very rural) hometown was largely evangelical Protestant; I suppose there must have been some Catholics somewhere but I never knew of it. Either way, I felt called to join the Church. In college I completed the RCIA program and was baptized, confirmed, and received my first communion during the Easter Vigil when I was 18.

Now, clearly, at the time of having had an affair I was not living my faith. My husband is a nonbeliever (neither of our marriage ceremonies were religious for that reason) but one of the things he asked me on D-day was how could I lie to my God like that? And of course it was a valid question. There is no other answer except that I was a hypocrite.

All that being said, long story to say that I was a believer before the affair and I currently attend mass very regularly. My children are baptized Catholics and I bring them (the 2-year-old as much as possible, anyway, since she isnít trained yet to sit quietly for an hour).

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 3:58 PM, May 19th (Saturday)]

jinkazama posted 5/19/2018 20:05 PM

How do you feel?

When BS say that they feel whole marriage was lie

Or whole time when you were having affair was lie.

When they question everything.

Old maariage is dead to them

How do you feel about all this

burninghouse posted 5/19/2018 20:32 PM

Two somewhat related questions...

1. Did you ever leave your BS for the AP? If so, how long did you stay with AP? And what made you come back to your BS?

2. Did you ever think of or want to leave your BS for the AP? If so, what stopped you from leaving for the AP?

hikingout posted 5/20/2018 08:20 AM

Heusedmeforyears- We had an open relation for a while as we were dating (decades ago). The A started so quickly that I knew that if I went to him and asked that I would have to disclose I was interested in someone. Sounds weird, but this would have been against the rules and would have ruled the AP out as an acceptable candidate.

Midnight run- I was religious when I was young but H wasnít. So I had been very distant in my beliefs over the last fiche years or so. I found God again and He was the only reason I got through the last year.

hikingout posted 5/20/2018 08:24 AM

Jinkazama-

Well it hurts, itís scary, and itís deserved. I just hold hope and patience that as long as he is here that I can redeem myself and that he can heal.

Mr. magnolia-

I pushed aside any thoughts of deception. Meaning when I had them, I ignored them or changed the channel. The betrayal did not turn me on more. It would subtract from it. So I compartmentalized and pushed a lot of it down.

Followtheriver posted 5/20/2018 12:43 PM

MidnightRun

My BH did not really talk about mind movies. I know he had some before he wanted a timeline and his questions answered. He did tell me that his imagination was way worse than the actual truth. He was able to work through it by reminding himself that I was not a virgin when we met. So he viewed it from that perspective.

islesguy posted 5/20/2018 22:27 PM

sickofsurviving,

Why do you think you shouldn't hate yourself? Especially after destroying the life of someone you supposedly love.

Why do you assume that WS's don't hate themselves? I certainly do.


How do you rationalize being ok with that, while watching the destruction you caused? On purpose.

I watched my BS go through hell and still refused to accept that I was responsible for it all. Why? because I refused to see myself for who I am for a long long time. Holding out to seeing myself as a good person was both irrational and delusional and I although I hate the horrible pain I have caused through my choices, I am glad that I can admit to myself who I am. Also, my choices all along the way, to cheat, to lie, to TT, etc. were made on purpose but they were not made to destroy anything. But I also should have known that they would destroy everything.

Heusedmeforyears posted 5/21/2018 06:55 AM

For those who are serial cheaters why do you try to reconcile, promise never to lie or cheat again and want your partner to trust you again only to start another affair after a few years and go back to cheating again?

islesguy posted 5/21/2018 07:47 AM

jinkazama,

How do you feel?

When BS say that they feel whole marriage was lie

Or whole time when you were having affair was lie.

When they question everything.

Old maariage is dead to them

How do you feel about all this

For me this is one of the most difficult things to not get defensive about. I cheated before we were married and she never knew so I understand my whole marriage being a lie. But, after getting engaged and married, I didn't have any interest in cheating and I didn't see porn as cheating (again, this was my judgment, not hers). But, I went further than that about 10 years later when I got too close to and made out with a coworker on a business trip and then followed that by a 3 month EA. So, when I was living out those years before I cheated again, I certainly didn't feel like my marriage was a lie but I can certainly understand and see how my pattern of behavior even when I wasn't actively cheating was not that of a true husband.

After being discovered I lied and lied. Now that there is zero trust and she questions everything or accuses me of things I didn't do, it is really hard to cope with and not be defensive.

Yes, my marriage is dead and if it weren't for legal reasons, health insurance, taxes, etc. I would want to divorce just to make it officially dead and then try to start over.

islesguy posted 5/21/2018 07:54 AM

WorstClubEver,

1) How long did it take you to tell everything?
2) What didn't you tell, and why?

1) 12 years for my betrayal when we were married but almost 20 years from my betrayals from before we were married.

2) I was a self protecting coward who cared more about the consequences to me if I told her than the suffering I was putting her through. I didn't tell her until she forced my to by contacting the person I cheated with and even they I dragged it out for another 5 years. I was disgusting and heartless and it is my biggest regret in my life. She will never get over what I put her through because I could not just let go of the outcome but instead protected myself and deluded myself into believing that I was sparing her by keeping things from getting worse, when the only person I was protecting was myself.

islesguy posted 5/21/2018 07:59 AM

Heusedmeforyears

Why didn't you tell your spouse you wanted an open marriage?

I never wanted an open marriage but this is based on my definition of open marriage. I liked going to strip clubs with the guys on business trips, I liked watching porn, but didn't consider either of these as an open marriage. I also liked talking about sexual stuff when I was having an EA but also didn't consider this as an open marriage. My views on these things have changed and if I could live it over again, I wouldn't do those things. Cheating on my BS by making out with my coworker was certainly something that I knew was absolutely wrong but not something I would ever thought about in advance to suggest an open marriage. In hindsight, I treated my marriage like an open marriage but at the time never considered my actions this way.

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