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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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Lorisa posted 9/9/2018 19:27 PM

Footprints, was it just the secret that was intoxicating? Did you care for your affair partner or was it just a fantasy?

[This message edited by Lorisa at 7:27 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]

Bestthing posted 9/9/2018 19:50 PM

I, too, am curious about handjobs. Maybe no one has experience with it. I want to know if anyone walks into one of these places expecting a real massage and then was surprised. Were the women attractive. Were there women getting massage by male. Any extra offered?

I am thinking about walking into the place my husband went to next week with a girlfriend and asking for a massage.

fullcircle35 posted 9/10/2018 17:58 PM

Hi all- hope I am allowed to post here as a new member-

I just posted my situation in general, but I could use some WS feedback...

I recognize that any WS here is already apologetic and working on being a better person, so I hold no ill will. None of you cheated on me, and are obviously working to fix yourselves, which I respect. I appreciate your input here...

Long story short my wife cheated, and we separated. Now I have the opportunity to have sex with the OBS, (her desire). I never in a million years thought I would be here, but here I am, and am really considering it. I donít think itís cheating on my end, and perhaps not even for OBS, given all the lies she has continually been fed.

As a WS how would he feel if your OBS slept with the other OBS? Iíd be lying if I said my intentions werenít to gut the OM like he helped gut me. I feel he needs to pay me in pain.

but your perspective as to how it make him feel would be greatly appreciated. What I donít want to do is hurt the OBS in all this...

Thanks

footprints posted 9/10/2018 18:01 PM

Lorisa - At first it was the secret we shared that was exciting, and I guess you could say intoxicating, but then I did develop feelings for him. That was the EA part that became painful for me to let go -- and super hurtful to my BH that I could feel that way for someone else. I knew I was living a fantasy, but I really did care for the AP.

When my BH asked me to sever contact, I did immediately, but I felt like I was in a state of loss. I never stopped loving my BH, but I had allowed myself to develop caring feelings for the AP, even though it was a fantasy.

My mental state was not great at that time because I was so sorry for hurting my BH and also sorry to loose the EA with my AP. I had created my state of misery, and I knew I had to sit in it to begin reflecting on why. That is where IC came in so I could begin to sort out what were real loving feelings for my BH and what were fantasy/fake feelings toward my AP. I also realized there was a chance that my AP was playing me and really didn't care about me at all.

It has been almost a year with no contact with my AP. I have been able to now look at my past connection with him with more objectivity so that I can try to understand how I let this all happen in the first place. And I am now able to show empathy and a desire for healing with my BH. This A was not something I was looking for, but it was something I had become involved with.I take ownership of the A, and I now take ownership of the healing with my BH.

[This message edited by footprints at 4:19 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

Evertrying posted 9/10/2018 18:14 PM

This question has been bugging me since dday. I did not know my WH's AP. She worked at the same company with him and in the beginning when they were "Just friends", he almost introduced us (he wanted to have a party at our house and invite a bunch of people including her and her H) but that party never happened. After the A started, there was no way he was going to put us together in the same room. Two separate lives.
But, he seems to think (now anyway) that if I had met her in the beginning the A wouldn't have happened. I call bullshit but whatever,,,
My question is this: For those Waywards that didn't know your AP's spouses, did you ever think about them and what you were doing would devastate them? Did you even care? When my H told his AP he was busted and that I knew, the first response out of her face was "Oh she must hate me". REALLY!? WTF. Did she really think I would be in love with the fact she was fucking my husband? I have always wondered what the hell was going on in her mind and what she thought about. My H knew his AP's husband and she used to parade my H in front of him. (Sick, I know) It was like she was trying to make my H jealous or something. Anyway, I always wondered what she must have been thinking. Like maybe I wasn't real because she didn't know me?

TarheelNurse posted 9/11/2018 11:11 AM

Fullcircle...I commented on your other post as well so this may be redundant that you read twice but I think my reply is best on this thread.

I have been with my BH since I was 16 and he was 18. We have a loooooong history and I was unfaithful for the first time this year after many years of things built up. Thatís my story and Iím working on putting it on my profile (donít want to sound too defensive since I am the cheater here). I donít tell you that story for empathy. I donít deserve it but for sustenance. Not all cheaters are serial and just like meaningless sex and new partners. Some cheaters have things that led them to make the horrible decision to cheat. Iím not justifying my behavior in any way, just making clarification. I am truly remorseful for what Iíve done and spend every day making it up to him (you can ask him, heís a member here too). One thing that the A brought us is a role reversal. Prior to my A, I was the ďalpha-femaleĒ. I made all the decisions and ďwore the pantsĒ. We have discovered in MC and IC that he should have shared the load. He recognizes 27 years of that behavior and since our R he has taken on half of the responsibilities but more than that he has reclaimed me. He is in all essence of the word ďmy manĒ. I wasnít even sure he loved me or wanted me for years but now I dont even have to ask. He is possessive and lustful where he never was before but also kind and loving like I donít deserve. He shows me how much he loves me and wants me now after many years of not doing so. I do the same with him. I want him to know every day that ďhe wonĒ. He is my man and Iím so very sorry and remorseful for stooping so low to do what I did but I wonít let an hour or so go by without him seeing or hearing that I love him and only want him and am truly dedicated to him and our marriage.

I know you are separated from your W and say you want D but I will be honest and say I donít believe you. Iíve read your posts and all of this pain is so fresh for you, youíre trying to ďman-upĒ and lie to yourself because thatís easier to handle than admitting that you love her and she hurt you to the core. It makes you vulnerable. I could be wrong because I only know what I read here but it seems that way to me. I know you have been crushed like no other and I hate that you are here. Iím sure your W does too and donít think she wonít feel this every day for the rest of her life. I know I will. I deserve it. Itís what I get for the choice I made but I love showing him now what a great man he is and how much I love him. It may help your wife to become a member on the W side. It has me. Good advice from BS and WS all over the world and from many different backgrounds and at different stages in their healing journey.

Anway, that all brings me to tell you...I think part of you would feel fu**ing great to sleep with the OBS and she would too. But if you really want to get back at him, thatís not going to do it if she is wanting to R with him. If she is not wanting R and wants to D then I suggest you both separate and start seeing each other but it sounds like she wants R. I told My BH early on that I wish he would have cheated too or to cheat on me then because it would have felt better because we could have been close to being ďevenĒ. We will never be ďevenĒ but it would have taken away some of my guilt/pain and gave me more of a leg to stand on. Thatís what you would be doing if you sleep with her. If she is doing it for revenge and is a decent person then she becomes the cheater and has to live with that plus it gives him armor (less guilt and more justification). You donít want to make it easier for him. I tell my BH all the time that his anger toward the OM (who is single) is doing nothing but hurting him. I want him to let it go for him, not for the OM. Fu** the OM. I couldnít care less about his feelings. Just my Hís.

Thatís just my opinion, from a W perspective and how I would have felt if my H had revenge sex with someone. It would have helped me feel better about my own betrayal. Donít give him that, make him live with it. Thatís only if you care about the OBS. If you donít and/or she doesnít care about him and wants to D anyway then have at it and make sure he knows details.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by TarheelNurse at 11:22 AM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

godheals posted 9/11/2018 18:38 PM

Fullcircle- WW here. I actually seen your post and followed it pretty well. Hereís my two cents.... Sounds to me her goal is to hurt her husband. Do you think she would cheat if he didnít cheat? Probably not. She is in pain and hurting and right now the only way she knows how to deal with this is getting him back. I know your goal is to back at him also. But look at it this way OM was a AP, you would be the OM the AP. Do you really want to be in same level as him the AP? There is never justification for a A even if one did cheat before. Hurting her? I think she will feel some sort of satisfaction for a short time but this wonít help her heal. If she plans to stay with her H then this will create a lot more problems for her and the M. By you saying no donít mean she canít with someone else but do you really want to be a part of that?

I have a feeling she will regret this one day. We all make choices base off on how we feel not giving us time to process our emotions and think logical about the situation. Can you imagine how many people would quit their jobs if ever time we get mad or upset and we let that take over our thought Process? No one would ever have a job because we let that emotion take over us not thinking about the consequences of our actions How would my bills get paid if I donít work? Oh wait I canít quit my job. My point is that we canít make choices base on our feelings and emotions because we always feel a certain way when that moment hits us but once that moment leaves we feel different about it. We have to give ourselves time to process it before we can make a clear choice. In some Situations it just takes longer to process our feelings and emotions especially when we donít know how or never experience it before. Hope that make sense.

ETA: I also seen you want to D your wife. Think about your future relationships. Maybe one day you want to date again. Do you want to tell the story on how your wife cheated but then slept with the OBS to get back at him? I donít think that looks very good . Or do you want to tell the story ending I walked away from this situation and never looked back. Hey if the OBS wants to leave her H and you two want to start a relationship then I would say yeah go for it. I actually remember a singer doing this and found love.

[This message edited by godheals at 7:48 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

Emotionalhell posted 9/11/2018 21:40 PM

For the waywards that went to IC. How hard was it fir you to work on your issues? Did your therapist give you ďhomeworkĒ to do between session?
Did you continue to go through spells of denial regarding your own issues?

godheals posted 9/11/2018 22:39 PM

Emotionalhell- I actually loved going to IC and was able to talk about my problems. I find it easlier to talk to strangers (maybe thatís why I am on SI) because they can give a real answer as to a friend or family who is emotional attached. I was able to be real therefore getting the guidance I needed. Didnít have to worry about being judged because they were a stranger and this was their job. I loved the fact I could be real and talk about things I was afraid to admit to anyone I donít know if you would call it homework but she did have me do certain thing differently that week and report back the following week on how it worked. IC was the best thing that ever happen to me. Never denied anything. I wanted it all out in the open. Didnít want to hide or feel the need to hide or lie. I really wanted to fix me and I knew I would never get there with lies. I loved it.

fullcircle35 posted 9/11/2018 23:37 PM

Thank you tar heel and god heals.

Tar Heels I think you nailed the core of what I feel, because you see it in your husband too.

I feel like my wife has become tainted. I canít shake it. The injustice can never be 100 percent paid back. I think, as a man, that if women who didnít want to leave their marriages knew what cheating would do to their husbands, they would never do it, or at least never take it physical.

I will not be sleeping with the OBs because she deserves to be treated well, and not acting out of pain. If it comes to be down the road, however, then so be it. But not now.


And your right, I do love my wife. I wish I could forgive her, but I just donít think I can. For me itís a dealbreaker. Iím young, and donít want to regret keeping a disloyal and disrespectful woman 40 Years from now. The way you and your H treat each other now is what I want too, but without knowing that my wife humiliated me. I want a fresh start. She canít unfuck the OM and thatís a dam shame.

As for the Om, Iíve voiced my feelings extensively, but I have fantasized about my wife watching me crunch his skull in. Itís primal. And Iím sure on the other side of I, you can see this hatred in your H too, as you mentioned.

How do you address your husbands feelings of injustice, himilaiatin, and anger? What do you say? What do you do?

And if the OBs in your case was encouraging your WS to leave you, even though you wanted a second chance, how would you react? Itís where I find myself moving now.

[This message edited by fullcircle35 at 11:39 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 9/12/2018 07:47 AM

This question has been bugging me since dday. I did not know my WH's AP. She worked at the same company with him and in the beginning when they were "Just friends", he almost introduced us (he wanted to have a party at our house and invite a bunch of people including her and her H) but that party never happened. After the A started, there was no way he was going to put us together in the same room. Two separate lives.
But, he seems to think (now anyway) that if I had met her in the beginning the A wouldn't have happened. I call bullshit but whatever,,,
My question is this: For those Waywards that didn't know your AP's spouses, did you ever think about them and what you were doing would devastate them? Did you even care? When my H told his AP he was busted and that I knew, the first response out of her face was "Oh she must hate me". REALLY!? WTF. Did she really think I would be in love with the fact she was fucking my husband? I have always wondered what the hell was going on in her mind and what she thought about. My H knew his AP's husband and she used to parade my H in front of him. (Sick, I know) It was like she was trying to make my H jealous or something. Anyway, I always wondered what she must have been thinking. Like maybe I wasn't real because she didn't know me?

Hi Evertrying -

I realized the AP's wife was real, but she was abstract to me. I didn't know her, he didn't discuss her much. Truthfully, most waywards, and definitely including me - we aren't thinking much past anyone but ourselves. If we can do this to our own spouses and not consider them, you can guess that you as the BS are way further removed.

Once I came out of a lot of that, I felt terrible for my part in what I did to her. I still do. But, I try and keep my focus on my husband so I no longer ruminate about it.

hikingout posted 9/12/2018 07:52 AM

For the waywards that went to IC. How hard was it fir you to work on your issues? Did your therapist give you ďhomeworkĒ to do between session?
Did you continue to go through spells of denial regarding your own issues?

I don't know that it was hard, though aspects of facing yourself can be painful. You have these images in your head of who you are and you begin to realize things about yourself you were blind to.

But, it's a process. Slow process. Each discovery leads eventually to a new discovery. Sometimes your logical mind can acknowledge something but it takes a while to internalize it or process it. There were behaviors that I have that I had (and still have) to practice. Especially being vulnerable and transparent. I am transparent about my whereabouts and electronics and all of that, that part is easy. I mean about what's going on in my head. Keeping the walls down.

I saw over in wayward that foreverlabeled wrote a wonderful post about the journey and I feel much of what was said was a very good representation and reflection of what you are asking about.

MrsWalloped posted 9/12/2018 10:01 AM

For the waywards that went to IC. How hard was it fir you to work on your issues? Did your therapist give you ďhomeworkĒ to do between session?
Did you continue to go through spells of denial regarding your own issues?

I agree with what hikingout said above.

I had homework, and I was really into it. It gave me a place to focus my energy outside of home related things. There was a very long stretch were my BH and I were just coexisting or where he just wanted to be left alone. The homework gave me a productive outlet where I was working on myself instead of just sitting in my bedroom crying. I half suspect my IC assigned it for just that reason.

Working on your own issues is hard in two ways, but I think one is specific to a WS or any another person whoís hurt someone else. The first way is common. If you know you have a personality trait or characteristic or anything else about you that you want to change, well itís hard. You have to be conscious of your issues, remember the tools youíre learning to combat those tendencies, and actually do it. Changing yourself is hard, but worthwhile. The other way is that you have to face yourself. You hurt someone in an unimaginable way. Itís not enough to say that Iím going to be more transparent or less selfish or something like that. You have to really look at what you did, understand that what you did was harm your BS and work to address those things in you that gave you ďpermissionĒ to really hurt that person.

So thereís working on self-esteem, confidence, valuing yourself, things like that. But then thereís also working on yourself understanding that you used those things to justify or allow yourself to hurt another person, and not just anyone, but your BS. So yeah, itís hard.

That also goes along with denial. You have to accept that you are in fact the kind of person who could something so horribly wrong to your BS. I think our natural instinct when faced with that is to deny it or run away from it. Fighting against that and really owning that it was you who did that isnít easy. But I donít know how you can really change or R without it.

TarheelNurse posted 9/12/2018 10:58 AM

Hi fullcircle.


I think, as a man, that if women who didnít want to leave their marriages knew what cheating would do to their husbands, they would never do it, or at least never take it physical.

I couldnít agree with you more. I acted out of my own pain, self-image issues, neglect and 27 years of built up anger and rage. I wasnít thinking of him or his feelings at all. I was completely selfish and self-absorbed. I have told him on multiple occasions (as fucked-up as this is) that if I knew he would have found out about the affair then I never would have went through with it. I didnít plan on him finding out, to be honest. I really didnít have a plan, I just knew I didnít want him to know. I would have chosen a different path. I wasnít thinking of the consequences or how it would affect him. That truly was the first selfish act I have ever committed. I am one of the most unselfish people you will ever meet but for 5 months I became an addict. The attention was like a drug. I was only thinking of my own needs. If I could have stopped for a second and got a glimpse of the destruction my actions would cause, I would not have had the A. I would have ran the other way and straight into my Hís arms and begged for change and told him what would happen if we didnít change our ways and treat each other differently. But that whole hindsight thing is a bitch.

The way you and your H treat each other now is what I want too, but without knowing that my wife humiliated me.

I wish I could have what we have now without the A hanging over us too. Honestly, we are better now than we have ever been. We are a little scared because itís so good but we are taking it day by day. I think we could help people prevent things like this from happening if they had a sister SI website called ď*before* you have an AÖcome read about the destruction you will causeĒ Hurricane A!!

As for the Om, Iíve voiced my feelings extensively, but I have fantasized about my wife watching me crunch his skull in. Itís primal. And Iím sure on the other side of I, you can see this hatred in your H too, as you mentioned.
How do you address your husbands feelings of injustice, himilaiatin, and anger? What do you say? What do you do?

My H was that angry too (and still is at times). Those first few days I had thoughts of having to stand in front of his car so he didnít make the drive to go kill the OM. Itís been 3 months and he is not as angry as he was. I wish I had the answers for him and could make it all go away. If I had a superpower; that would be it. I make sure I tell him every day how sorry I am, how much I love and only want him, what a wonderful man he is and I am exactly where I want to be, forever. I have promised NC and I tell him where Iím going, and when Iím leaving. He has access to everything I have and has all my passwords. I leave my phone when Iím walking out of a room. I have begged him to track me, get a VAR, and give me a polygraph or whatever he needs to rest assured that I am his woman and only his. That everything Iíve told him is the truth and Iím not hiding anything. We had a lot of pre-A issues and have both made changes in our relationship and I assure him that he is the man now that Iíve always wanted and needed and I have NO DESIRE to go anywhere else. He can ask me any questions he wants and I will answer honestly, even if it hurts him. Anytime he needs to talk I stop what Iím doing and give him what he needs. Hereís an example: we are going out of town next month and I told him to check some hotel points that I thought we had saved up. When he went into our account he discovered that they were used on one of my A trips. This was devastating. We had a day planned out Saturday but it all went on hold. My initial reaction was to cry and apologize over and over. I felt this rush or guilt and anger at myself. I wanted so badly to go into my self-loathing phase and shut-down but I quickly recovered and realized it wasnít fucking fair to him for me to do that. He needed me to be strong for him. I CHOSE THIS, he didnít and I caused this pain. I needed to suck it up and help heal this new wound. I jumped out of the tub, sat beside him on the bed and held him while we cried. I kissed him and loved him while he talked out his anger. Our whole day was put on hold for about an hour or so but we needed to do that. He said the things he needed to say to get out his anger. I reassured him of all my love and commitment. I apologized for specific things that hurt him. I held him and kissed him until it was over. Only when he was ready did we go on with our day. Believe it or not, it helped me too. It helped to help him heal and I didnít even want to self-loathe and make it all about me. I am a natural ďfixerĒ and want to heal and fix everything. I guess thatís why I chose to be a Nurse. I kept loving on him and asking him all day if he was good and he was. I donít have a plan for every day, I just do what is needed at that time. He is getting to the point (after many talks) that realizes that his anger doesnít hurt the AP. It only hurts him so I beg him to let it go and offer to do whatever he needs to let it go. I donít want him to hurt or be angry. The AP has no idea what he has caused and I donít want my H to give that MFer another minute of his pain.

And if the OBs in your case was encouraging your WS to leave you, even though you wanted a second chance, how would you react? Itís where I find myself moving now

Do you mean the OM encouraging your WW or vice versa? In any case I would not encourage an affair. In my opinion, you and your wife are S and itís not an A but the OM and his BS would be an affair. She is the only one that can make that decision. To R, D, or S is absolutely situational. To me it depends on if the WS is a serial cheater, any reasons that led to the A, children, years together, ideas on fidelity now, and love. In your case, with what youíve posted here and the other post, it sounds like she wants to leave H but canít at this time. If he is not willing to do the R work and he is not committed I absolutely think she should S. My BH and I chose to R but if I was married to some of the people I hear about on SI, I would run to the nearest attorney. Cheating is cheating to me but I do believe, like any other sin/crime, if the variables are positive to R then it is definitely the first choice, especially if children is involved.

Itís so new for you and the anger and rage is so fresh I wouldnít suggest you make any decisions yet and focus on your healing. I know my H would be glad to talk to you through e-mail or privately if you need someone to talk to who is in a similar situation but not so far out that the memory of the rage and anger are gone. He has a support partner that he talks with, he met on a private FB support group, and this has really helped him. Let me know if youíre interested and I will PM you his info (notbeyondrepair).

Good luck to you. You sound like an awesome guy and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Youíre full of pain and anger. You need support right now.

MoreThanBroken posted 9/12/2018 11:19 AM

*if you no longer wear your wedding ring*

My wife has asked for her ring a few times now (once was a clarification, once was when I asked what she wanted for xmas, and yesterday she asked to wear mine to feel close to me when we're apart)

The rings, to me, are the direct symbol of our vows, like the seal to the promise we made on our wedding day. Vows are broken, so I can't wear mine, I don't want to see it. So many BS I come in contact with feel similarly.

As a WS, how do you view your rings? Do you want it back? What do they mean to you?

I was kinda like "awwwww" when she said she wanted something of mine close to her...but she chose the worst thing. I keep thinking that someday we'll do a recommitment ceremony with new rings...new vows.

What's your thoughts on rings and recommitment ceremonies?

TarheelNurse posted 9/12/2018 14:09 PM

MoreThanBroken...my H and I never separated so it never came off for either of us. I do want new rings but he doesn't for himself. We do want a new recommitment ceremony. We have talked about it and talked about it just being us, with our own vows that state our new changes. I love the idea for a successful R.

fullcircle35 posted 9/12/2018 14:39 PM

Tar Heel nurse-

Thanks for taking the time to understand that I am angry, and not doing what others here do, I donít need to be condescended to. I do believe I will be divorcing my wife. The plain and simple fact is we donít have as much history as you do, and I just know I can do better. Iím going to snip the source of my pain out and upgrade. Just a sad loss really

I recognize that the anger is holding me back. Itís like I need WS to know I am not to be fucked with. I need My WS, regardless of whether I D or not, to see just what kind of hell I am capable of creating for being crossed, by her OM. I cannot let it go until I know he suffers. The RA idea is not going to happen bc OBs deserves to be cared for, not used. But if I could kill him, I would. If I could extort him financially, I would. If I could cause him immeasurable loneliness and sadness, I would. If I could drive him to take his own life, I would. No hesitations.

To answer your question, I asked how you would feel if someone were telling your H to divorce you, how would you feel? I asked this because itís my intent to help her leave the OM, I think she wants to, and could use the support. Itís a bonus to me that he may suffer emotionally and financially for it. I donít really care if he is trying to R, or redeems himself. He needs to do something to show subservience to me, beg grovel, hide, I donít care. I wonít accept that I did nothing and he got away with it.

godheals posted 9/12/2018 15:55 PM

Full circle- I just read your last post here. Everything that you said was like reading about my H. He wanted the OM to suffer. Burn his house down, get him fired from his job, bash his head into the ground and watch him die. He wanted that revenge against him so bad. The feeling was so strong for him that it scared the crap how bad he wanted OM to just suffer. He also wanted a RA against me. That feeling was not as strong as him wanting to hurt the OM. All he knew was gettin back at people who cross him. He donít know how to overcome that feeling ever or how to handle it. Fighting that feeling and holding back was so hard for him. This feeling was everyday for months on end. You take something of mine now I take something for you and he wanted his life. My H learn to fight this feeling and over come it. It was not easy but he did it. It took so much time. Those feeling are super normal to have.

I donít see anything wrong with helping her get out if that is what she wanted. She should not feel trap staying in the M but didnít know how or needs help getting out. Hey if he suffers financial then thatís consequences to his actions. Nothing wrong with wanting him to have consequences to his actions.

TarheelNurse posted 9/12/2018 16:14 PM

fullcircle....you're welcome


I do believe I will be divorcing my wife.


I don't blame you for whatever you decide. You have to take care of yourself and make yourself happy. I think all situations are different. I don't know your history with your wife and I would never suggest you do either without knowing the full story

I cannot let it go until I know he suffers.

I get it. I truly do. I feel that way when anyone hurts me or someone I love. That is on a primal level (even for females). I would feel the same way!!! I don't blame my H or you for wanting that. If the roles were reversed, I would feel the exact same way. When my H and I were dating in HS (1993), we broke up for a few months because of another girl. I tried to fight her numerous times and all I wanted to do was bash her face in (I still do, 25 years later). I get the revenge desire but to me, I won! I got him, I have his children, and she gained weight and I lost it so boo-yah! I told my H, he won! In my case, that's enough to kill him. The OM is a single Dad and wanted me to leave and create a life with him. He wanted me to choose him and I didn't. I would have only chose him as a second choice (if my H did not want to R). I am not saying I'm a prize by any means but each situation is different and "your win" will be different than someone else's.

I asked how you would feel if someone were telling your H to divorce you, how would you feel? I asked this because itís my intent to help her leave the OM, I think she wants to, and could use the support.

Well this is hard to answer because I think all situations are different. A lot of people on here did tell my H to D me and he got upset but our story is so different than most. They don't know me, him, or my history. My H says that he broke our vows first by neglecting me and many other things. He recognizes the 27 years of neglect, along with my self-image issues and anger and the way the A happened. He also sees how remorseful I am now and that I'm giving 150% and proving NC and that I want only him. We also have 27 faithful years, 2 children and lots of love. So I think our story is optimal for A. However, if I had cheated off and on for 27 years and kept lying and still had contact, etc...then I am not a candidate for R and he should D. It depends on her WH I guess and their relationship. I will say this...if my AP had a wife, I would not have went through with anything. It was one thing to betray my H whom I was pissed off at for years of issues and felt neglected, unwanted and unloved. I justified my behavior with these excuses. I couldn't betray another woman like that who had never done anything to me (I am not justifying what I did, just trying to show why I think all situations are different). So to answer your question: I agree she needs the support (so do you). If her WH is a piece of shit and cheated multiple times or for many years then I say absolutely, help her to leave him. If I was that way, I would want someone to talk my H into D-ing me. Does that make sense?

devastedone posted 9/12/2018 16:42 PM

This is a question that is brought up by something footprints said in a previous post but something I have heard my WH say many, many times...

"I never was looking to have an A"

My WH told his (soon to be) AP that he loved her. The first time they met out for breakfast (background-she had hired him after he lost his job, then she was fired from that company-he worked with her for a little over a year and she was his boss).

My question-if he wasn't "looking for an A" than why say what he did? He says that it was part of the game-which tells me that he was looking for an A. I do think he was looking to keep the relationship going as he also feared that he would also lose his job. In the end, I just don't get it. He really, to be quite honest, has no good answer as to why he allowed himself to choose an A.

If you never wanted an A, why didn't you stop it when it got to be too much and you knew there was no turning back?

My WH says that he 'knew it wouldn't end well bc I would eventually find out' that he never 'stopped loving me' , that 'he never wanted anything long term with her'. I still struggle with this. Was there a point where you did want an A? Is the statement 'I never wanted an A' a rationalization on the part of the WS to make it seem more acceptable?

Any insight would be much appreciated.

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