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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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MrsWalloped posted 8/27/2018 19:27 PM

NewManToday123,

Iím going to try one more time.

You asked a question. You received an answer. You then attacked that answer and called it brutal, which is an opinion (youíre entitled to that opinion, but it is most definitely not a fact). You could have asked DarknessFalls to elaborate or clarify her answer. You could have asked why she said ďNo.Ē and ďNothing.Ē As Butforthegrace said, she has a unique and interesting story. You could have found out more. Instead you essentially criticized her.

Yes, this is a thread for BSís to ask WSís questions. But please be aware of two things. One, it is not a thread for a BS to state their opinions on the answers to questions they asked or criticize the person who was gracious enough to answer them in the first place. Second, the WSís who do post here do so for a variety of reasons, none of which are because we are required to. So if someone does take the time out of their day to respond to your question, donít you think itís a bit rude to attack them for it just because you donít like or agree with the answer?

You catch more flies with honey, honey. Just sayiní

NewManToday123 posted 8/27/2018 19:35 PM

My thread keeps getting jacked so I am going to post my question to WSs again:

( I am positive that many BSs and the waywards that care for them are very interested in this topic as the sexual rejection by the WS can be very painful for the BS)

WS:

What do you DO and SAY to your betrayed spouse to help them recover from having sex with another person many times ? Are there things you can SAY and DO to make them feel less rejected or better than the AP ?

[This message edited by NewManToday123 at 7:41 PM, August 27th (Monday)]

MrsWalloped posted 8/27/2018 19:39 PM

What do you DO and SAY to your betrayed spouse to help them recover from having sex with another person many times?

Nothing.
Are there things you can SAY and DO to make them feel less rejected or better than the AP ?

No.

Butforthegrace posted 8/27/2018 19:54 PM

Newman: This isn't your thread. Therefore, it is a fallacy to say it is being jacked. You are free to start a thread in various forums if you wish.

NewManToday123 posted 8/27/2018 19:56 PM

MrsWalloped

Per your post beginning "I'm going to try one more time":

This is not a forum to lecture to me or condescend to me ( or any other BSs). Nor is it a forum for you to tell me how to address other users.

The header of this thread states its focus:

"This thread is for betrayed spouses to ask questions of wayward spouses. Betrayed spouses are not to answer on this thread."

Please keep to the focus of this thread when addressing me ( or hopefully not addressing me any further )

[This message edited by NewManToday123 at 7:57 PM, August 27th (Monday)]

Candyman66 posted 8/27/2018 22:29 PM

NewManToday123, You have asked the same question several times and you apparently don't like the answer you get.

I'm sorry about that however please remember that these people on here are NOT the one who hurt YOU! They are here and have kindly offered to help betrayed spouses understand what their wayward partners were thinking, feeling and sometimes what it means.

At no time did they attack you and somehow you are expressing your anger over your situation onto them. These people have really hurt the one they most love in the world. The have done the work and are still doing it! They have suffered and are still in pain (no I don't know how much how can anybody know someone else's pain?) Now they are trying to help alleviate pain.

All I'm asking is that you please treat them as you would wish to be treated after some horrible event that you have true remorse over. Just please be respectful as you want us to be of you.

Thank you for taking the time to read and as you probably know by now that all of us here have been touched by the horrendous pain of infidelity. Here we try to alleviate pain, not generate more.

I truly hope your situation resolves as soon as possible but here we expect it to take from 2 to 5 years.

JMO YMMV

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/28/2018 05:52 AM

NewManToday123, you have a pm.

Washashore posted 8/28/2018 05:55 AM

My best friend says context is everything. An answer without context is little help and can seem dismissive, and a question without context can be too pushy or demanding.

Thanks for all the questions, answers, and context.

[This message edited by Washashore at 6:07 AM, August 28th (Tuesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 8/28/2018 07:29 AM

Washashore, there is a reason I responded as I did but I would be breaking the guidelines if I said why, so Iíll have to leave it at that.

Estirpe posted 8/28/2018 07:33 AM

Newman, Bs here.

Please realize that these people are under no obligation to answer any questions or getting paid for it, they do it on free will and taking time out if their day to do so, we are grateful for the answers even when sometimes we don't like them.
Please be mindful, they are here also learning from us by realizing what kind of questions can come up in the mind of a Bs and work towards becoming better and safer partners for their Bs.

We know you are desperate, we all are, including the husbands and wives that are helping in this thread answering our questions.

Like stated above, it will be better for you if you post in JFO or General. We understand you are hurt but they are not the ones that hurt you, you are here because most likely your wife does not give you a satisfactory answer, believe me there is no such thing as finding logic in all this or an answer that fits all.

Again sorry you are here, hugs to you and we all expect we get thru this one way or the other.

leafields posted 8/28/2018 11:52 AM

Not sure if this question/request belongs here or in General, so please let me know if I need to go there.

My WH has been reading many of the booklets I've provided & listened to some of the podcasts I've sent his way. He's also listened to some podcasts on his own, but I'm not sure which ones.

He is saying that he feels we've gotten about as far as we can on our own. The references I've provided are repetitive, but he will sometimes learn a little bit here & there.

We are both in IC, but his IC doesn't have a treatment plan & they've just been talking. There are no treatment goals & so nothing planned work on his FOO issues or thought processes that lead him to choose an A. At his next appointment, he's going to talk to his IC about this & see about changing therapists.

Are there references that helped you as the WS to begin to unravel your wayward thinking? My WH isn't a big reader, so Not Just Friends is too overwhelming. We do have both of Linda MacDonald's books, but I am looking for something that would help the wayward.

On the plus side, he has been sober from his porn use for 3 months. We've been doing a FANOS exercise, which is supposed to help with reconnecting. WH says he feels more connected, but I'm feeling meh....

Thanks for any advice.

hikingout posted 8/28/2018 13:53 PM

Hi lea,

When I started IC I don't know if there was a plan or not either. We talked a lot, but I think sometimes the counselor does need to get to know you a little bit to begin poking at patterns and things that you bring them. People are complex, it takes a while for another human to see where they need sorted out.

I will say that a lot of my digging was independent of IC and eventually I was bringing a lot to her doorstep on thoughts and epiphanies and things to explore. Do you get the sense your H is doing IC because he really wants to know and get to the bottom of it, or right now is it more of a requirement that he's abiding? Hard to understand what his attitude is about it just by reading your post.

I can only tell you that I was in IC for two months prior to confessing because I wanted to get to the root of the issues - I was self motivated. But, even with that mentality, it took months and months on end to get to true remorse or understanding how damaging what I had done was to my H. I say that because even in the case he is motivated, this is not a lightening strike fix. I would say at about 3 or 4 months I could list my surface whys, some of my FOO issues, but it took much more digging before change began or there was an actual plan (and typically the plan was loose and often evolving).

The other thing that helped me a lot was writing out my thoughts. It's a scary thing to do, because I do feel that some of that work has to be maintained as private. That's controversial around here, but I feel that I would never have gotten underneath some of my erroneous thinking if I wasn't able to put it on paper and then understand why it was erroneous. And as we share, remember not every thought a WS or even a BS is true or permanent.

Example: Early on, I said my H was so controlling. Do you know what I discovered during the unravelling? He wasn't controlling at all. I was controlling MY actions to control HIS perceptions and that's why I felt controlled.

This was a light example but sometimes therapy can bring up thoughts that aren't even true, or are baseless in nature. I think the WS needs a little room to examine their thoughts and figure out where they come from. Early on people are in recovery, and until some of that is unwound, you can't really be in reconciliation. I don't know if that helps. But, knowing there is an entire process, that the process takes a lot of time can help. Same is true in reverse. He should be expecting that your healing is going to take way longer. Some of that is because of trauma, but some of it is he has to fix himself (figure on most of the first year), and he has to show you consistently reasons that you can put stock in him. That should start at DDAY but it will take years. Both need to go in with those realistic thoughts.


NewManToday123 posted 8/28/2018 14:45 PM

HikingOut

Did you become remorseful by looking at your why's or by seeing how much pain you caused your husband ?

Was your husband in agony after Dday and before your remorse set in ? Did all your conversations before remorse end up making things worse ? ( this is my case - it only gets worse the more we talk )

My wife feels guilty and ashamed but not remorseful. She just thinks of herself.

[This message edited by NewManToday123 at 2:46 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]

Waggingthedog posted 8/28/2018 14:55 PM

I'm not yet ready to tell my story on here. Part of me worries about typing it out and seeing the words on a screen. Part of me worries about privacy. Long story short, my WW had two affairs spanning years. The last one she was in love. More than half our fourteen year marriage effected. We are a month into working on things. She seems committed to changing. I'm taking a watch and see approach. I'd prefer to reconcile but I'm holding on gingerly and protecting myself during the process.

I'm focusing, or trying to, on helping myself by getting back in shape, and leaning on my support network. Great advice from a long time of research prior to D-Day.

Here's my question for you kind WS. Assuming I want to R, what can I do to help her pain in dealing with the affair recovery together? I know she hurts, but she also compartmentalized so long that I think she's blocking the hurt away too. Was there ever anything your BS did that helped make it a bit easier for you? Something kind, but not over the top.

She's been completely honest, I think, so far. She told me everything. And I listen and digest the information. I work in a professional career surrounded by tragedy and I'm used to tough calls in high stress. Frankly, I detach and that's probably what I'm doing now.

Regardless, I still want to help her through it with what little I can give. We have a child together and whether or not R or D I want to make sure we don't burn down communication for our childs sake.

Was there ever anything your BS did that made it easier to let the pain out or that helped you know it was safe to feel vulnerable with them?

We are both in IC too, and that helps.

Waggingthedog posted 8/28/2018 15:01 PM

I'm not yet ready to tell my story on here. Part of me worries about typing it out and seeing the words on a screen. Part of me worries about privacy. Long story short, my WW had two affairs spanning years. The last one she was in love. More than half our fourteen year marriage effected. We are a month into working on things. She seems committed to changing. I'm taking a watch and see approach. I'd prefer to reconcile but I'm holding on gingerly and protecting myself during the process.

I'm focusing, or trying to, on helping myself by getting back in shape, and leaning on my support network. Great advice from a long time of research prior to D-Day.

Here's my question for you kind WS. Assuming I want to R, what can I do to help her pain in dealing with the affair recovery together? I know she hurts, but she also compartmentalized so long that I think she's blocking the hurt away too. Was there ever anything your BS did that helped make it a bit easier for you? Something kind, but not over the top.

She's been completely honest, I think, so far. She told me everything. And I listen and digest the information. I work in a professional career surrounded by tragedy and I'm used to tough calls in high stress. Frankly, I detach and that's probably what I'm doing now.

Regardless, I still want to help her through it with what little I can give. We have a child together and whether or not R or D I want to make sure we don't burn down communication for our childs sake.

Was there ever anything your BS did that made it easier to let the pain out or that helped you know it was safe to feel vulnerable with them?

We are both in IC too, and that helps.

hikingout posted 8/28/2018 15:07 PM

Around DDAY and beyond, I felt shame and regret. And you are right, those feelings are about the WW and how we feel. I could see that I hurt him, I could see his devastation, but I wasn't able to absorb all of it. Early on a WW is still stuck in their own issues that allowed them to cheat and carry out an affair in the first place. Unfortunately, it's rare that they can just snap out of it, because it's to the core of who we are and who we have been being. I think we are incapable of coming to that place immediately.

But, guilt and regret can be worked with, if you wish to reconcile. It's not the path for everyone. I would be looking for things this early out like she has committed to NC, is being transparent, is listening to you, trying to make steps such as learn about the psychology that goes into an infidelity, etc.

I probably started showing signs of remorse around the 9 month stage I would say. But, it's not something you don't have one day and then you have it another. Its something you grow. It takes a lot of empathy on her behalf to really see how bad it really is. I think we minimize that to ourselves during our justification of the affair, and we don't ever think it's going to be as damaging as it actually is.

The whys I don't think have anything to do with getting to remorse. The whys are what are the things that are broken within you that allowed you to cheat and destroy another person? Often there is entitlement of some sort, sometimes fueled by holding on to past resentments but could be just pure entitlement of "I deserve this". But, there are all sorts of things that cause cheating. Just don't accept any of them are about you. The whys should be internal to the person who cheated. It should point to issues that person has to work on to become a better person/partner/etc. The whys are not about remorse, they are about fixing the person who is broken so they don't continue to inflict damage on you or others in the future.

hikingout posted 8/28/2018 15:14 PM

Here's my question for you kind WS. Assuming I want to R, what can I do to help her pain in dealing with the affair recovery together? I know she hurts, but she also compartmentalized so long that I think she's blocking the hurt away too. Was there ever anything your BS did that helped make it a bit easier for you? Something kind, but not over the top.

Don't do anything. It's going to be a gift enough if you choose to try and reconcile. Right now it sounds like things are as they should be...you should be focused on yourself and watching and seeing. They call it the 180 and there is an article about it in the healing library.

Your WW needs to feel this pain. She needs it to fuel change. She has to take the ball and run for it. If she sees you doing a pick me dance, all you will be doing is sending a message she can do anything she wants. I am not saying that you have to be mean - you can continue a kind communication if that is your goal for your children. But, she needs to fix herself. I would refer to this time as the recovery stage. If she makes enough progress for you to see a reconciliation is possible, then you can commit to it then.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to keep your marriage or your family together. But, do not take the responsibility in this situation away from her.

Also, understand that you are in shock. You have all the phases of grief ahead of you. In my H's longest anger stage, he asked me for a divorce. We have since gone into really working on reconciliation and having successes at it. You need to process this emotionally however you need to and so does she. God bless you, I can feel your pain in your message. Keep focusing on taking care of yourself. Your wife is a big girl, she needs to figure this out.

BrainFreeze posted 8/28/2018 15:22 PM

My wife and I are 19 months out. We are reconnecting, and things are going generally well. Last night she woke me up about 2AM-ish just to tell me she was sorry and asked me to hold her. I was happy to, although my neck has a bit of a stiffness to it today

Anyway, obviously she is still hurting. I'm doing fairly well. Neither of us is 100%; I'm not sure who is hurting more... anyway... I'll quit blabbing and get to the question...

What books/pod casts etc etc, helped you the most?
What helped you to understand your BS most?
Was there any resource that helped your BS understand your feelings and how to deal with them?

I don't want my old relationship back... I want something stronger, something better. I want us both to heal.

NewManToday123 posted 8/28/2018 15:23 PM

HikingOut

Thank you for your response.

How did you get to remorse ( what actions did you take )? What can a person do to help get to remorse earlier?

My Dday was theee months ago. I have been in agony since and my wife has seen it. I think the effects of her affair were far worse on me than she expected but she is still not remorseful.

I am considering moving out of our house in the very near future but am concerned that might decrease our chance of R because she will stop seeing my pain on a daily basis. This is a catch 22 because living with her makes me miserable but moving out may decrease chance of remorsefulness and successful R.

Do you think moving out decreases chance of remorsefulness and successful R? ( I think it might shock her into action )

[This message edited by NewManToday123 at 3:30 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 8/28/2018 15:33 PM

NewMan,

I have no way to know the answers to your question.

I can only tell you that this process is going to be long, and each couple and person evolve in it differently. I do not have any experience with a separation happening early on but there are others here that do and might offer some insight.


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