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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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Followtheriver posted 8/14/2018 13:54 PM

WilliamM


If your spouse disclosed the affair publicly without your concent, how did that make you feel and how did you handle it?

My BH chose not to disclose my A to anyone for his own personal reasons, not for my benefit. But we have discussed this very thing at length.

I am going to tell you what I told him. If he would have gone scorched earth and told anyone who would listen, there would have been no coming back for me. It would have been ugly, especially the D.

If he had told our friends and family? I would have been angry and I would have wanted nothing to do with them, whether we R or D. We both know that it would have greatly impacted our R.

If you and your spouse decided to disclose the affair to a select few, how did you choose who you would tell? What was your purpose for telling?

My BH decided that he did not want either one of us to disclose the A to anyone except for MC and my IC. I agreed for selfish reasons, of course and he was adamant about this.

I know this might come across as un-remorseful. Just remember that this was D-day and right after that I would have felt this way about disclosure. I had already ended the A and was NC so I would have viewed disclosure as a declaration of war.

islesguy posted 8/15/2018 10:50 AM

When you fight with your BS now, is it any different than before DDay? Do you find yourself still using the same defense mechanisms or has it changed? If your BS is upset, do you let them walk away, do you chase after them, do you sit and stew about how they're acting?

It has been evolving over time as my defensive reactions have started to get under control. As a WS it was hard to adjust to everything being questioned and never having the benefit of the doubt but this is the world that I created.

When my BS was upset my natural reaction was to walk away. I wasn't upset that she was upset, I just didn't know how to engage with her and to be honest didn't want to because I didn't want to deal with the problems that I created. I am really trying to break those terrible habits as they have done nothing but hurt my BS a million times over.

Brennan87 posted 8/15/2018 15:21 PM

Hiking out,

Iím sure my irrational thoughts give you a run for your. Obeys 😁.
I hear what you are saying and it makes sense, I just canít get it too click.

A WS expends all this energy on a stranger, destroys multiple lives, etc and them bam ďindifferenceĒ.i just canít make it fit. I see the AP and waffle from indifference to pity to rage.

Brennan87 posted 8/15/2018 15:25 PM

Marcy70,

Thank you. Your thought process on it was t the AP but how he made you feel helps. Youíve reinforced what out WS have said and it helps me begin to believe my wife when she says she had no feelings for him or there was no attractionĒ much appreciated

Like to expressed to hiking out, what you say about indifference makes sense rationally. I just canít believe I guess that a WS can destroy so much and be indifferent (or translation for nothing).

hikingout posted 8/15/2018 15:56 PM

Hiking out,
Iím sure my irrational thoughts give you a run for your. Obeys 😁.
I hear what you are saying and it makes sense, I just canít get it too click.
A WS expends all this energy on a stranger, destroys multiple lives, etc and them bam ďindifferenceĒ.i just canít make it fit. I see the AP and waffle from indifference to pity to rage.


I understand, and I can assure you that my husband has not made it to indifference yet about the AP.


For me, the reason I don't feel anything is I don't really hold him accountable. I only hold myself accountable. I made the promises to my husband, I broke them, I lied, and I cheated. Yes, the AP is culpable in some ways, they knew and they helped, but in the end, holding any emotional tie keeps them in our lives and our heads. A BS is different, they have been traumatized, there is no way to break that tie as early as we do it.


The other thing that you have to remember about us WW's is we spend a while in the beginning pretty much training ourselves not to think about the AP. We think more about our own actions in being accountable.

earlydetour posted 8/15/2018 17:40 PM

Any WS's that have been around here for a while - I would like to know if, a few years after your DDay, you watched a movie or tv show and an actor strongly resembling your AP was in it and, lo and behold, somewhere down the road they somehow end up in glorified affair situation.

What were your reactions? Did the actor trigger you just by watching them? Did their fictional affair trigger you? If your BS watched it with you, how did you react?

Thank you in advance. Not many of you stay on to help, but those that do, it is appreciated.

Yana posted 8/15/2018 18:42 PM

10 years after the fact, 6 plus years after Dday......today I had to speak to my husband about a few things and sure enough I got triggered in sad pain. Do you ever think about what you did and get bummed out?

EvolvingSoul posted 8/15/2018 20:07 PM

Hi EarlyDetour,

I would like to know if, a few years after your DDay, you watched a movie or tv show and an actor strongly resembling your AP was in it and, lo and behold, somewhere down the road they somehow end up in glorified affair situation.
My AP was a big fat guy so there aren't many actors on TV who resemble him who are in affair situations. Even so, infidelity portrayed in TV and movies still triggers me and can still trigger BS even though we are 8 years out.

Recently we were watching a rerun of "Seinfeld" and in this particular episode Jerry finds himself being tempted by his neighbor's girlfriend to make out with her while they are in her boyfriend's hospital room and he's in a coma. A lot of my affair was in plain sight, meaning AP visited us at our house under the guise of being a "friend" to me (BS never really cared for him.) and while I never urged my AP to secretly make out with me at our house or anything like that (sex was reserved for his house) the blatant disrespect she was showing in front of her unknowing boyfriend really upset me. I asked BS if we could just move on to the next episode and he said sure.

The triggers for either BS or me have never completely gone away but what has improved a lot is how we deal with them.

Hope that answers your question.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

EvolvingSoul posted 8/15/2018 20:13 PM

Hi Yana

10 years after the fact, 6 plus years after Dday......today I had to speak to my husband about a few things and sure enough I got triggered in sad pain. Do you ever think about what you did and get bummed out?
Well, yes. I don't know if bummed out is the word but I still cringe when I think about the details. I take solace that I'm on the healing and awakening path now, which I might not be if I hadn't bottomed out the way I did. It took falling apart in the aftermath of the affair to start to deal with the brain wiring that was at the root of many hurtful and harmful choices I made even before the affair, starting as a young adult.

I hope that answers your question.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 8:14 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

islesguy posted 8/16/2018 10:32 AM

earlydetour,

Any WS's that have been around here for a while - I would like to know if, a few years after your DDay, you watched a movie or tv show and an actor strongly resembling your AP was in it and, lo and behold, somewhere down the road they somehow end up in glorified affair situation.

What were your reactions? Did the actor trigger you just by watching them? Did their fictional affair trigger you? If your BS watched it with you, how did you react?

I am not sure if I totally understand your question but I will say that I get upset every time I see a woman of the same distinctive nationality as AP and even more so when my BS is with me whether it is in person, on TV, wherever.

leafields posted 8/16/2018 11:41 AM

Is this the beginning of remorse or is this still regret?

My WH has heard me say that IC is where he works on his stuff & I work on mine. His IC has given him very little homework, and has no treatment plan. WH is going to ask to either have the counselor change tactics or ask for a new IC. He wants to start working on the "why" did he check out of the M & decide to have an A.

Second, we're going to go see a sibling, and he was going through pictures to take. He found some of our old wedding photos. He said that it is really starting to hit him about how much he has messed up - what he's done to me, messed up the M, our family. He held me & cried, went & looked at more family photos & came back out for to hold me & apologize more.

Yana posted 8/16/2018 12:06 PM

Thank you to all who answer in this topic....its still really triggering to come in and read on this site in general. However I was feeling pretty low yesterday and came on the BS questions for WS's....I find myself tearing up reading here. My other question is regarding indifference or compartmentalising....my WH seems to have moved on fairly easily and I seem to get caught in the triggers and need to deal a lot on my own. Granted it has been 6 plus years since dday however things still hurt. He doesn't seem to think about it anymore or that it effects him--this is the indifference part right? Compartmentalizing? Have WS here moved on fairly easily?

notbeyondrepair posted 8/16/2018 14:12 PM

its still really triggering to come in and read on this site in general.

I've figured out that this is a problem for me too. It's the main reason I'm not on here more than I am.

EvolvingSoul posted 8/16/2018 20:47 PM

Hi again Yana

He doesn't seem to think about it anymore or that it effects him--this is the indifference part right? Compartmentalizing? Have WS here moved on fairly easily?
There is a big difference between indifference toward the AP and indifference toward the affair. The affair, at the end of it all, really has not much to do with AP and everything to do with the WS's core character issues and broken thought processes that allowed us to choose hurting and harming the people we purported to care about in order to have what we wanted when we wanted it. That is the thing to which WS's should not become indifferent. Rather we should be working to identify those character issues, those thought processes, which around here frequently gets shorthanded to "the why". Not why we were tempted to cheat. Why and how we were actually able to engage with those thoughts and follow through on them and turn them into actions.

The other thing we can't become indifferent to is our BS's pain as they work through the process of recovery and then real healing. Just because I'm not thinking about it on a given day doesn't mean I am off duty from helping my BS if he's thinking about it and he's hurting.

It took me a long time to get to that place. I'm going to say six years. It's just in the last couple of years that it has felt like BS and I are able to say that we are reconciled. Changing my sig here to "We're going to make it" from "Glimmers of Healing" just happened maybe 4 months ago.

I'm not sure if this addresses your question. Ask for clarification if not.

Best to you from an EvolvingSoul.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 8:47 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 8/16/2018 21:13 PM

If you were lying the other times you told me you weren't lying, how am I supposed to tell the difference?

MrsWalloped posted 8/17/2018 08:52 AM

Youíre not. Thatís one of the consequences we brought upon ourselves. Nothing we say can be believed now.

If you have questions and are unsure youíre getting the whole truth, you can ask for a polygraph. Thatís what my husband did and I think it helped him feel like he had the whole story and truth when I passed all of the questions.

But your WH broke your trust. Itís understandable and normal to not trust him.

WilliamM posted 8/17/2018 09:39 AM

What steps did you do to reconnect with your spouse both emotionally and physically?

Darkness Falls posted 8/17/2018 10:07 AM

What steps did you do to reconnect with your spouse both emotionally and physically?

Because he wasnít my spouse when we started reconnecting, we approached it like any other new relationship. We dated and got to know each other all over again for two and a half years, then we remarried. Neither of us were interested in wasting each otherís time rehashing the past, so we didnít.

We never really reconnected much physically. As (re)newlyweds we went 4 months without having sex, and then for a couple of years I was basically only interested in having sex to conceive children. Itís only been fairly recently (4 years into remarriage) that Iím even a little interested in sex for its own sake.

Brennan87 posted 8/17/2018 10:56 AM

Hiking out,

I get it now thank you!

Why do you think you spent time training yourself not to think about the AP?

sickofsurviving posted 8/17/2018 11:46 AM

I hear a common theme of power and control as being an excuse for having an A.

Isn't watching your BS crumble from your actions just another ego kibble? To know you have the power to destroy someone else's life.

Is this the reason so many cheaters all the suddenly love their spouses so muchafter D-Day? The ultimate ego kibble.

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