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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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Mamacesto posted 8/12/2018 09:16 AM

Do you truly not remember things from only a year ago? I was TT as recent ago as April. Dday was Oct 2017. My WH is doing everything right but there are some questions he claims not to have the answers to. One of them was he said he couldnít remember last time/place he saw AP or what happened. Doesnít remember the month the various sex acts began. Says they first kissed in Oct (2016) but nothing more until around Apr (2017)...heís not sure. He saw her once a week and Iím supposed to believe they only kissed for 6 months? Of course Iíd like to believe heís the exception to the rule but some of his answers are not logical and my gut tells me he is lying. WS - based on your situations, whatís your opinion?

MrsWalloped posted 8/12/2018 10:47 AM

Chaos,

Ditto to the replies you already got. But itís also a personal learning experience. I mean that Iím only living my life, with my BH. I only know what I see, what I feel, and whatever he chooses to share with me. Reading a BSís pain filled post compels me to examine my own behavior. If a BS is venting about TT or lying or not being transparent, it pushes me to look at how I behave and see whether Iím doing that too. Am I being authentic? Am I properly empathetic to my BH? Is there something Iím not doing that he might want but hasnít expressed it to me? I learn a ton from BSís posts.

Now, how I personally feel. Itís very hard to read. I had to stop from inserting myself too much in place of the WW in their stories because Iíd imagine they were talking about me. At first it was really good for me to do that because it helped me understand a little of what my husband was going through. But then it became pain shopping and it was doing more harm than good. So I had to learn to read their posts in a healthier way.

MrsWalloped posted 8/12/2018 10:53 AM

Mamacesto,

There are many SI ďtruthsĒ Iíve read here. One of them is to trust your gut. Thereís a lot I remember and itís been 3 years. Maybe not what kind of coffee I ordered on a certain day, but definitely those things you mentioned. Amnesia among WSís is apparently a common thing. Your WH may be the exception, but I would push and dig deeper if I were you.

MrsWalloped posted 8/12/2018 10:54 AM

Amnesia among WSís is apparently a common thing.
I was being sarcastic, btw. Sorry if that wasnít clear.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/12/2018 17:50 PM

Some of these questions come from my personal experience with my WH and some I am guessing are how he is feeling. Thanks in advance for responding...

1. After D-Day did you ever feel ambivalent about reconciliation? If so, what was the issue(s)? What, if anything, changed?

2. Did you have any difficulty expressing remorse/sorrow to your BP? If so, what if anything, changed that?

3. Did you ever lash out or say things that you later did not mean about your BP/relationship with your BP?

4. Were you unsure if you wanted to continue your M at any time?

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:58 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

MoreThanBroken posted 8/13/2018 04:36 AM

When you fight with your BS now, is it any different than before DDay? Do you find yourself still using the same defense mechanisms or has it changed? If your BS is upset, do you let them walk away, do you chase after them, do you sit and stew about how they're acting?

Barregirl posted 8/13/2018 06:43 AM

When you fight with your BS now, is it any different than before DDay? Do you find yourself still using the same defense mechanisms or has it changed? If your BS is upset, do you let them walk away, do you chase after them, do you sit and stew about how they're acting?

My H and I agreed that unless we are explicitly arguing about something affair related, then the affair is off the table. We do not bring it up in anger over something else. We have both learned better communication skills since beginning IC, and therefore our way of arguing has changed (for both of us). If my H wants space, it's his, but generally he just gets quiet for a few minutes to gather his thoughts before responding. I do the same thing (one of those communication strategies). It has mostly eliminated fighting. We have learned to discuss disgreements rather than fight through them. I hate the sit and stew method. If my H gets quiet and needs some time before responding, I think of song lyrics or movie scenes to stop myself from stewing. It cuts down on resentment until the discussion can continue.

Brennan87 posted 8/13/2018 08:49 AM

Darknessfalls

As much as it tugs at my heart this makes sense "I could have been married to anyone and still would have cheated". It takes a lot of self reflection to realize this. You have reinforced this for me. I use the analogy of my Ws "she was on a runaway train and the cheating station was set in motion long before I entered the picture. The runaway train just hit me as it passed by on the way to cheaters station. So thank you for helping re-confirm this belief I have held.

Brennan87 posted 8/13/2018 08:52 AM

hikingout,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. For your perspective on "it could have been anyone". This helps pop a few puzzle pieces back in, when my WW says "it could have been anyone, I wasn't attracted to him, but how he made me feel, blah, blah blah".

I've so focused on the person and what I feel he brought to the table physically, etc. that when I see him (droopy dog) I can't understand why she was drawn to him. Your response helps clear up the muddy waters.

Thanks

Fallnicntgetup posted 8/13/2018 09:29 AM

I'm truly sorry that I do not remember everything.
as I have heard, and believe, especially in men, that they remember moments, not specific dates, times, etc. The A has really become a fog to me, almost surreal. It may be that I am blocking specifics out, it's not on purpose. The entire thing disgusts me, knowing that it's no comparison to what it has done to you. You deserved better. You deserve to know the truth. You do know all that I can recall, unfortunately, that is quite a bit to stomach in and of itself. I will continue to move forward and to try to remember more. I have been completely transparent.
You are right, your can trust your gut, you have proved that, I have, through past lies, confirmed that. Though,I think if you try hard, you will see your gut has not always been right. I have offered various ways to check on what i am telling you, unfortunately, certain ways don't seem to be panning out. Offer to take polygraph still stands.
I am totally committed to reconciliation, to you and our future together.

WilliamM posted 8/13/2018 12:54 PM

If your spouse disclosed the affair publicly without your concent, how did that make you feel and how did you handle it?

If you and your spouse decided to disclose the affair to a select few, how did you choose who you would tell? What was your purpose for telling?

Darkness Falls posted 8/13/2018 14:11 PM

We didnít decide together or even discuss who would be told. He told his mom and our mutual friends on D-day. I told my mom on D-day and my boss shortly thereafter, and other people sporadically over the next years as the circumstances warrantedóthe most recent person I told was two years ago, because I didnít know her 8 1/2 years ago (when D-day was). I didnít and donít have much feelings about itóalmost everyone I know knows; they either found out at the time or as I said much lateróitís part of my history and itís the truth.

Followtheriver posted 8/13/2018 16:31 PM

ThisIsSoLonely

1. After D-Day did you ever feel ambivalent about reconciliation? If so, what was the issue(s)? What, if anything, changed?

I wouldn't say that I was ambivalent. I wanted to try and R but I sure as hell knew that there was no way that I was going back to our pre-A M. It was toxic and it brought out the worst in both of us. When I saw my BH showing me mercy and grace, I went all in.

2. Did you have any difficulty expressing remorse/sorrow to your BP? If so, what if anything, changed that?

I did not have difficulty in expressing remorse because I did see how badly that I had hurt him. What I had difficulty with was actually feeling remorse. Even tho I knew it was wrong, a small part of me believed that he deserved it for how he treated me for 27 years. He was not always a nice man. The change for me came when his actions showed me that he was no longer going to be that man with anger issues. He never lost control, called me names or tried to humiliate me in anyway. Remorse then kicked my ass.


3. Did you ever lash out or say things that you later did not mean about your BP/relationship with your BP?

I am sure that I did but I don't remember exactly what I said. (I am a wayward after all.)

4. Were you unsure if you wanted to continue your M at any time?

Yes, I had moments of being unsure. Even in the last year, after hearing some hard truths from my BH, doubts about our M creeped into my thoughts. The difference was that now, my BH and I were able to talk about it and work through it.

islesguy posted 8/13/2018 23:56 PM

WilliamM,

If your spouse disclosed the affair publicly without your concent, how did that make you feel and how did you handle it?

My BS didn't share anything publicly but I don't see how I would have the right to feel like I would have any say anyway. She has every right to publicly say whatever she wishes, she was the innocent victim.

If you and your spouse decided to disclose the affair to a select few, how did you choose who you would tell? What was your purpose for telling?

My BS did tell a few people about it but because we don't live by her family or friends I have never been around any of them. That is up until this weekend when we took my son to her hair stylist (who I know she told) and I was with her for the fist time. I assume it must be because of my tremendous guilt because every time I saw her look at me it felt like she was burning a hole right through me.

I believe the purpose of her telling was to try to explain her mood swings and also to get it off her chest.

Mamacesto posted 8/14/2018 05:51 AM

Did you help your BS try to get over their feelings of inadequacy? If so, how? How did you help them feel they were the one you wanted even though you chose the AP over them emotionally & physically?

Brennan87 posted 8/14/2018 07:51 AM

WS,

For those of you still in close proximity to your AP (family member, work, neighborhood,etc), how do you feel when your paths cross?

My WW does a great job of checking in on my feelings when our paths cross with AP and I generally do the same. However all I am met with ďiím OkayĒ. Shouldnít there be some type of emotion? Anger he helped wrecked two families, disgust that she could go down that path, even longing or missing him? Instead I get ďokayĒ.

hikingout posted 8/14/2018 08:22 AM

Brennan,

I do not live in proximity but I wanted to address the other question.

At some point, indifference sets in. That point is different for everyone, but it's a good thing. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. At some point we come to realize the AP was a fictional character in what we made them to be, and we no longer have feelings attached to the person.

I imagine if I ran into the AP somewhere, I would feel a little rattled not expecting it, but then I would be totally fine. I would have no problem ignoring him as I have nothing to say. I don't hate him, I don't like him, I don't anything. Unless you have spidey senses that her saying she is okay is not authentic, take it as a good thing. He's irrelevant to her, and that's how it should be.

Marcy70 posted 8/14/2018 11:55 AM

A lot of WS say "he/she could have been anyone, there was not special about the AP". I say this is a generalization to a degree because it truly couldn't have just been anyone.
Do I agree WS affair down? Definitely, my WW is a solid 8 yet she had an affair with Droopy dog. She too says it could have been anyone. As it was how she felt about herself and what he was giving, versus an attraction to him. So to any WS who say it could have been anyone, is this really accurate? If your AP, was completely toothless or had missing teeth, black teeth, or covered in acne or smelled bad, would you really have given up sex? Isn't the truth that there has to be some type of mild physical attraction and "standard's in place? Thus there needs to be an asterisk with your "it could have been anyone" comment? Just curious

I have said the ďcould have been anyoneĒ sentiment to my husband. Itís probably more accurate to say ďanyone within reason who gave me the attention I was looking for. ď. The point of the comment wasnít to say literally anyone, but rather to say that the APís were not special. They were not my soulmate or the love of my life. They were relatively charming guys who gave me attention and ego kibbles when I was looking for it. Bottom line, the issue was a deficiency in me that needed to be addressed, NOT something my husband did wrong and NOT that the APís were such special fantastic unicorn snowflakes.

Marcy70 posted 8/14/2018 12:06 PM

My WW does a great job of checking in on my feelings when our paths cross with AP and I generally do the same. However all I am met with ďiím OkayĒ. Shouldnít there be some type of emotion? Anger he helped wrecked two families, disgust that she could go down that path, even longing or missing him? Instead I get ďokayĒ.

Brennan,
I would be a lot more worried if she did express strong emotions about the AP. Have you ever heard the saying that itís a thin line between love and hate? Indifference is a good thing. It means itís really over, both in real life and in her head.

Followtheriver posted 8/14/2018 12:55 PM

MoreThanBroken

When you fight with your BS now, is it any different than before DDay? Do you find yourself still using the same defense mechanisms or has it changed? If your BS is upset, do you let them walk away, do you chase after them, do you sit and stew about how they're acting?

My BH and I rarely fight anymore. We have disagreements? Absolutely, but we now discuss what is bothering us before it ever gets to the fight stage. What we had to learn to do and helped us the most, was to really listen and understand what the other is actually saying. Even if at the end we still disagree, we both know that our issue has been heard.

If and when a disagreement turns into a fight, if my BH wants to walk away, I would let him. He knows that I will be here to listen when he is ready to talk and no, I would not chase after him. I do not sit and stew about his behavior. If I am worried because I can tell that something is on his mind, I just ask him.

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