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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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mantorok posted 8/4/2018 06:18 AM

Thanks daddydom

I think this is why the whole thing is such a mindfuck. It doesn't help when WS lies immediately and continuously after getting caught. I got a whole lot of 'i don't know' and 'i don't remember's. The problem with this is it sets the tone for all future questionining. Are they telling the truth? Am I just being paranoid? If they didn't tell the truth earlier why would they tell the truth now?

The worst part of all of this is when you don't have hard proof that they are lying even if you have circumstantial evidence. The other issue is that you need proof that they are telling the truth also.

I guess a polygraph really is the only option if you are going to R with a known liar. But then why would you want to if that is what they are?

Candyman66 posted 8/4/2018 08:45 AM

mantorok, yes that is something we ALL have to deal with. All WS's are great liars it just comes with the territory and that's what keeps polygraph operators in business! I never got to R but she lied so much that that is all I think of her. Liar.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/5/2018 21:00 PM

Where are the links to the old threads 1-11?

Unbelievable35 posted 8/6/2018 09:55 AM

Question: WS, did you convince your BS you were remorseful, but werenít? To what extent did you go to? Iím asking because my WS seems to be very remorseful at 2 months out, but I still wonder if she has broke NC.

MinnisotaManInWi posted 8/6/2018 14:32 PM

There is a discussion in the General section about how WWs look back at the quality of sex they had with their AP after becoming remorseful for their affair.

The question I have is do WW who perceived the sex they were having during the affair as good or great sex now look back and see the quality as less than good or great ?

The question in the General section addresses WW after they become remorseful but it would also be interesting to hear input from all WW or even WH after Dday.


Darkness Falls posted 8/6/2018 14:57 PM

No, I perceive it exactly as it actually was. Iím not in the habit of pretending my perception of something at the time wasnít really my perception later on once circumstances change.

MinnisotaManInWi posted 8/6/2018 15:19 PM

Darkness Falls

Don't you look back at yourself during your affair as a dishonest person with no integrity who broke the most important vow of her life and caused great harm to her husband ?

If you are no longer a dishonest person with no integrity who breaks important commitments to your husband how could you not look back at your affair sexual differently ?

If your affair sex caused significant harm to your husband how could you not look back at it differently than when you were involved in a deeply selfish and self-centered act that harmed your husband ?

xhz700 posted 8/6/2018 15:22 PM

If you eat a bunch of Taco Bell and it was delicious in the moment and you feel like shit later, it doesn't change the fact that you enjoyed it at the time.

MinnisotaManInWi posted 8/6/2018 15:37 PM

Xhz700

If you eat a bunch of Taco Bell and end up with food poising, 48 hours of severe vomiting, dehydration, hospital admission and a ten thousand dollar bill you will look at that Taco Bell meal as a piece of shit and never go back again.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 3:39 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/6/2018 18:37 PM

xhz700, this thread is specifically for BS to ask questions for WS. It isnít for BSís to make comments.

Candyman66, you can either ask questions from a BS perspective here or make comments from a WS perspective. You can not interchange those here.

Darkness Falls posted 8/6/2018 19:17 PM

Don't you look back at yourself during your affair as a dishonest person with no integrity who broke the most important vow of her life and caused great harm to her husband ?

I was absolutely a dishonest person, yes. But that was NOT the most important vow of my life. Anyways, though.

If you are no longer a dishonest person with no integrity who breaks important commitments to your husband how could you not look back at your affair sexual differently ?

Because I deal in reality. No longer being a dishonest person who doesn't break commitments to my husband now has nothing to do with the affair sex at the time.

If your affair sex caused significant harm to your husband how could you not look back at it differently than when you were involved in a deeply selfish and self-centered act that harmed your husband ?

You asked a specific question about the affair sex; I answered it. You didn't ask how I felt about myself as a person, either during or after the affair; how I feel/felt about my husband; anything about honesty/integrity/commitments/etc. You asked about the sex. This isn't Penthouse forum so I'm not going to expand upon the subject except to say I answered the question.

Sayuwontletgo posted 8/6/2018 20:50 PM

This is something Iíve talked about very recently so I think I can weigh in. The sex during the affair was good, not mind blowing or life changing just average to be honest. For me it was immediately tainted with guilt and shame. Thereís some addictive tendencies here obviously because I knew it was bad for me and wrong but went back. Whatever waywards get from it (felling sexy,desired, power, emotional needs etc..) is a high thatís hard to let go. For me it wasnít the person, he wasnít a sexual god or my soulmate. He was convenient,available and had pretty low standards. Perfect storm. I donít swoon over or miss the sex with AP, it wasnít on the same level that real connection and mutual caring brings. Looking back on it after seeing the pain it caused is tempting to just say itís disgusting but that doesnít help me or my BH work through recovery with transparency/honesty.

MinnisotaManInWi posted 8/6/2018 21:51 PM

Rogue0719

Did you talk about the sex in detail with your husband ?

My wife had sex with her AP for several months and it left me feeling sexually worthless. I have never felt sexually worthless or insecure before in my life but after she had sex with another man dozens of times it crushed me.

If you talked to your husband about the sexual details how was it approached ? Did he feel insecure ? Did you say anything to reassure him ? For example- you said the sex with your AP was good but not earth shattering. I would love my wife to tell me that if it was true. I am so hesitant to talk about the subject I avoid it. I mean really - think about if I ask if the AP was better than me or had a bigger penis and she actually said yes. That would seriously harm our relationship.

As a BH I would encourage you to tell you BH that the sex with AP was not great if you already haven't. I am sure he would appreciate it.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 9:53 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

Sayuwontletgo posted 8/6/2018 22:39 PM

Minnesota- I did talk with BH in detail about it but only after he said it was something that he really needed to heal. Ive heard that some need it and for others it would make things worse. He told me later that what he had imagined was a little worse than it was in reality and it helped with specific mind movies he had. I knew that if I tried to discuss it with him face to face I would stammer and probably sugar coat things so he asked me to write it out. He gave me alone time to sit and focus on it so I wrote every detail, every conversation, places, outfits, positions, every single thing I could remember about my interactions with AP. It ended up being 5 pages long and took me a full evening into the next day to write. He was very insecure as Iím sure most men would be but I think in sharing the details that are hard he saw the truth in it? I would bet that thereís still a part that doesnít trust my answers and thatís okay too. I think I would caution you to think about what you gain from knowing the details? Will it help with the insecurities or push them over the edge? Are you ready for the answers if they arenít what you want to hear? I was terrified to let him read what I wrote but he made me feel safe by saying that when he was done reading he might leave to be alone/think but that he would come back. He didnít leave and I feel like sharing and bringing some of the ugliest parts into the light helped.

MinnisotaManInWi posted 8/6/2018 23:28 PM

Rogue-

Thank you for your response. You said "he imagined it was a little worse than it was in reality and it helped with specific mind movies" I think this may be the case for me but I can't bring myself to ask my wife because if she gives me the wrong answers it could be extremely painful and permanently destructive.

The questions I want to ask are all the same question in different forms: Did he please you more sexually than me ?

1) Did you orgasm more frequently with him ?

2) Were you more attracted to him than me ?

3) Was his penis larger than mine and if so how did it effect you ?

4) Did he last longer than me and if so how did that effect you ?

5) Did you have sex more than once each time you met him ?

6) Did you desire him more than me ?

7) Did you fantasize about him more than me ?

These are kinds of questions I want to ask her. If she gives the wrong answer I could be crushed forever.

Does anyone have a bad experience when asking the sex detail questions ? what do you do if you get a bad answer ?

What if your own wife tells you another man made her orgasm more frequently or more intensely ?

What do you do if your own wife tells you her AP had a bigger penis ? These kind of answers cannot be undone but if they are not asked they will kill me forever.

I hate my wife for putting me in this place. Married people should never have to deal with these questions. They are another terrible consequence from the nightmare affair.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 11:35 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

islesguy posted 8/7/2018 06:53 AM

MidnightRun

Has your bs displayed uncharacteristic aggression in other areas of life after D day, a misguided form of anger release?

Yes, an affair absolutely changes a BS. My BS now has no patience with me and little patience for things in general. So if there is situations where if it is obvious that it will be a difficult frustrating situation, I would much rather it be me who deals with it. I know that I am completely responsible for this change in her.

Lucky77 posted 8/7/2018 07:21 AM

MMIW,

On a couple of forums you have several threads going on the topic of:

The questions I want to ask are all the same question in different forms: Did he please you more sexually than me ?

You are REALLY suffering. You are in a tremendous amount of pain bordering on a disabling amount. You are debilitated by what she did. I offer you a different approach as I think you may be pain shopping. Rather than getting really granular on what happened in bed consider the following. Your WW had a cancer. It started small and grew and grew. The cancer was her A. Tied to that cancer was some time where there was sex in the A. Yes there was sex in the A. The cancer was a tumor that can be treated. It can be removed successfully.

You can continue to pain shop. Or you can look at the A and say......there was a cancer. The cancer is being addressed. You can believe in yourself as an adequate provider of sex to your WS. You can elevate the plane of your view of the A and acknowledge the sex while knowing you are adequate.

I see you getting pulled down in the quick sand of wanting to know every detail with the sex. I offer the above to help you get unstuck and help you move forward.

hikingout posted 8/7/2018 08:30 AM

This is something Iíve talked about very recently so I think I can weigh in. The sex during the affair was good, not mind blowing or life changing just average to be honest. For me it was immediately tainted with guilt and shame. Thereís some addictive tendencies here obviously because I knew it was bad for me and wrong but went back. Whatever waywards get from it (felling sexy,desired, power, emotional needs etc..) is a high thatís hard to let go. For me it wasnít the person, he wasnít a sexual god or my soulmate. He was convenient,available and had pretty low standards. Perfect storm. I donít swoon over or miss the sex with AP, it wasnít on the same level that real connection and mutual caring brings. Looking back on it after seeing the pain it caused is tempting to just say itís disgusting but that doesnít help me or my BH work through recovery with transparency/honesty.


What Rogue said closely resembles how I feel about all of it, and she and I are in a similar time range from DDAY. Like Darkness falls said - I enjoyed it at the time so that's not changing the answer. It's just factual. BUT - what I enjoyed had a lot to do with starving for emotional connection and not logistics of the actual sex.

How I feel about it now - I feel humiliated by it. I feel like it wasn't worth one minute of my husband's pain. How I lowered myself to the level of someone I would have likely judged before, it's disgusting to me. How I made myself that open and vulnerable to someone else and betrayed my husband with all of it. Certainly, it's not something that's pleasantly revisited.

I know you are also asking similar questions about remorse, etc on the other forums.

None of this happens overnight. What I mean by that is the remorse is something that has to grow. Shortly after DDAY we waywards are still standing in the bullshit of all our issues and we are trying to figure ourselves out (if we are really sorry and want to figure it out). What I see as a theme here and certainly is true for myself:


The A was a waywards way of escaping themselves, their reality. Sometimes its about sex, but often it seems like the men are about that more than the women. Though, there is an exception to every rule.


Your wife didn't cheat on you because of anything that you are or are not. Know that. You are enough. She cheated on you because she isn't...she has some broken coping mechanisms with whatever she was dealing with mentally/emotionally. There are lots of culprits that she might have been coping with: midlife, FOO issues, empty nest, other major life changes. You are interpreting the pain of the betrayal into being emasculated, and this is common for a BH.


Your wife should be in IC and digging deep on her whys. It's not that she was bored, that's a surface answer. Sometimes people are just shitty and there aren't any other answers than they are shitty. Though all of us waywards are guilty of behaving selfishly and without any conscious of anyone around us. But, she needs to figure out what is broken inside of her and fix it. I guarantee it has nothing to do with your ability to please her in bed or what your penis is like or anything of the sort.


Over time she should grow more and more remorseful, and you should be able to see that plainly. You will see her empathy and how her actions reflect it. However, this early out, it's unlikely she has reached anywhere near full stage of that. Right now she is probably just trying to do damage control as much as possible, and may have regrets and guilt surrounding that.


And, she will step up and show you what you need to know - either by helping you heal with her consistent love and actions, or by not doing that. You don't have to do anything but watch and see...and you don't even have to do that part you can call it all off at any time.


You are torturing yourself in a way that many men do, but you need to try and internalize there is nothing wrong with you - this is on her. Let her own it. I am going to answer the questions you laid out below just to give you some idea that some things may not be as bad as you imagine, and that other things may be too painful for you to hear:

1) Did you orgasm more frequently with him ? No, I never had an O. Truth. And, I do have one or more 99% of the time with H.

2) Were you more attracted to him than me ?

I was attracted to him, and I was and am attracted to my husband. During the A - yes - being swept up with the newness and all of that, it was like being in a new relationship so I was more focused on the OM. Afterwards when I could see it more objectively, no he was not more attractive than my H. I think my H is more attractive and I believe that most women would agree with me.

3) Was his penis larger than mine and if so how did it effect you ?

I don't think so?? Let's put it this way - if you caught a fish and later another, and they were similar would you really be able to tell that one was bigger than another without measuring? The average penis is between 5.5 and 6.5 inches, For the most part they seem very similar. And, that is the size that women are specifically built to accommodate.

I get it though - my husband likes small boobs, but I don't have small boobs. If he had an affair with someone who had small boobs, I know how I would feel about that, even though in reality my husband has always commented how much he likes mine.

Lastly - you said she can't climax through intercourse. I have a similar issue with that, and for that reason I can guarantee it didn't matter that much on the size of any man I have ever been with, the results are similar - it feels good, but without someone stimulating above nothing is going to happen. When I was young, I had a boyfriend that was really big, and to be honest it was the worst thing ever. We couldn't get out bodies as close, there was always anxiety of him hurting me, everything had to be careful so you couldn't get to abandon, I was frequently bruised inside. It was terrible.

4) Did he last longer than me and if so how did that effect you ?

Hmmm. I think the part of my last answer would kind of cover this - if one doesn't have an O through intercourse than why would we really care how long you last there? I never compared this, but neither man has an issue in this department. In fact, there are times especially with my husband that I wish he didn't last as long - eventually one gets sore.


5) Did you have sex more than once each time you met him ? No.

6) Did you desire him more than me ? No.
But at the time there was a novelty that he was new to me. One thing is true during an A - you are disregarding your spouse, so therefore you are more wrapped up in the AP than your spouse. It's not because they are objectively better in any way. I can honestly say that dissolves because it's part of the fantasy, it's not real. True love does not dissolve. I don't believe anyone has true love with their AP.

7) Did you fantasize about him more than me? During the A, Yes. I was swept up in all of it. Before the A, I didn't really fantasize about other men, and after the A I don't either. 100% I do NOT fantasize about the AP nor do I miss him or miss anything about him sexually.

These are kinds of questions I want to ask her. If she gives the wrong answer I could be crushed forever.


Well, then wait. You can always ask them later. My H has chosen thus far to not to learn too many details. He asked me about a couple of the things on this list, and a few other things he wanted to know about acts, but other than that he felt it was best to leave it alone. I wrote up two timelines - one with sexual details, and one without. I told him if he changes his mind he can have the one with the details. I don't know if he ever will decide he wants that, it seems like we are moving forward and he says that mechanics of sex are not mysterious.


Marcy70 posted 8/9/2018 09:41 AM

The questions I want to ask are all the same question in different forms: Did he please you more sexually than me ?

1) Did you orgasm more frequently with him ?

2) Were you more attracted to him than me ?

3) Was his penis larger than mine and if so how did it effect you ?

4) Did he last longer than me and if so how did that effect you ?

5) Did you have sex more than once each time you met him ?

6) Did you desire him more than me ?

7) Did you fantasize about him more than me ?

Minnesota,
If you need to know this stuff, then you should ask your wife these questions. She cannot read your mind to know your questions. And, honestly, if she wasnít emotionally stupid, she would not have had an affair to begin with, so expecting her to intuit what you need to know will lead to nothing but disappointment. And no matter how many threads you start with the same questions, nobody on SI can read her mind to know what her answers will be. It seems like you are avoiding asking because you are afraid of the answers. You are already imagining the worst case scenario in your head. The real answers canít be any worse than what your imagining, and it might just get you off the mental hamster wheel and stop driving you crazy because you will know. You wonít be constantly asking the questions in your mind anymore.
I am truly sorry that you are hurting so badly. And I know this reply may sound harsh, but lots of other people have told you the same things. There is only one way to know the answers you seek. You have to ask the questions.

Rideitout posted 8/9/2018 11:27 AM

BUT - what I enjoyed had a lot to do with starving for emotional connection and not logistics of the actual sex.

This answer sparked another question for me. I get (well, I don't understand it, but I accept that it's the truth) that people do have A's for the "emotional connection" and then wind up having a lot of sex (or really just having sex). Looking back on it, how do you feel about that "emotional connection" you had with the AP now? Was it real? Was it real at the time, or felt real but was just telling each other whatever you wanted to hear? Do you long for that (someone to tell you anything, even if it's not necessarily true/reasonable/achievable)? Do you feel like the trade, your sex for his (usually, but reverse the sexes if answering as a WH who was there for emotions) emotions was a good one? Did you at the time?

It's very hard for me to understand this part of an A; if your there for the sex, this wouldn't apply to you either, but WS's who are there for the other reasons (commonly cited as WW's, but sometimes I see a WH say it), how do you feel about it now?

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