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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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mantorok posted 8/1/2018 15:43 PM

Just wanted to say this thread is pure gold.

I know this question could be a long shot because the WWs on here seemed to have responded remorsefully to their actions.

But why would a WW who has been caught out minimalise an EA, show some guilt and say they are sorry only to immediately continue the affair even though they know the BS has discovered it? Why not go NC immediately?

hikingout posted 8/1/2018 15:52 PM

I would say read about limerence.

I did not do the things you describe, but it's common for people having affairs to feel addicted to it. There are a lot of endorphins involved, a lot of ego stroking, and a lot of fantasy. (Even if it hasn't crossed over to the physical). It's the closest thing to addiction that I have experienced in my life.

MinnisotaManInWi posted 8/1/2018 15:59 PM

Thanks HikingOut and Darkness.

I have been posting and reading on affair sex vs marriage sex and there seems to be a lot of different experiences from great sex to average sex to bad sex. This information contradicts the stereotype in my brain that says affair sex is always great sex and offers a little relief to the mind movies in my head showing my wife and her AP.

Marcy70 posted 8/1/2018 16:32 PM

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?

Yes. And it has been for 9 years. It would not have had to be that way, but I tried to rugsweep for several years and i lied/TTíed for another couple of years all in an effort to just make it all go away. I am a slow learner, evidently. It has never gone away. I donít know if it ever will now.

mantorok posted 8/1/2018 16:57 PM

Yes. And it has been for 9 years. It would not have had to be that way, but I tried to rugsweep for several years and i lied/TTíed for another couple of years all in an effort to just make it all go away. I am a slow learner, evidently. It has never gone away. I donít know if it ever will now.

This is what scares me about R. My wife cheated on me before we married and never owned up even though I was told by others and it was completely rugswept. That was 16 years ago and even without knowing any of the details it still rears its ugly head in my mind to this day.

Barregirl posted 8/1/2018 21:42 PM

MMIW - I think that every person's individual experience will differ. Sex is so personal. For me (and my A was a PA not an EA as well) the sex was good. It was not amazing, mind-blowing, etc. Sex with my H had been both terrible and fairly nonexistent. (That, btw, has been completely remedied.) Affair sex is just sex - some good, some bad and everything in between.

islesguy posted 8/1/2018 23:33 PM

MinnisotaManInWi,

Do Waywards think affair sex can get boring after four months ?

I can't comment on sex as outside of some PA on the first night my affair was EA for 3 months which ended when my BS found my phone records. But, even before that happened it was getting a bit repetitive. At first the attention and the sexual innuendo was taboo, and exciting, but when this slowed down as she didn't play along as much the excitement went away. I could see PA being the same.

islesguy posted 8/1/2018 23:38 PM

mantorok

But why would a WW who has been caught out minimalise an EA, show some guilt and say they are sorry only to immediately continue the affair even though they know the BS has discovered it? Why not go NC immediately?

After being caught and minimizing the EA as just a friend, I went out of my way to try to prove this point to my BS even stating that I should be allowed to have a friend. I wasn't taking what I had done seriously at all and was trying to save face by being combative with my BS. This all changed when my BS called my bluff and I then went NC but I wish I hadn't ever reacted the way I did.

MidnightRun posted 8/2/2018 07:37 AM

Hiking

T/j

"It's the closest thing to addiction that I have experienced in my life"

Would you equate this feeling with those of being a new mother?

hikingout posted 8/2/2018 07:54 AM

Hiking
T/j
"It's the closest thing to addiction that I have experienced in my life"
Would you equate this feeling with those of being a new mother?


Hmm, that's a strange correlation. No, doesn't ring true to me.


Being a new mother had highs and lows, but it was pure. There was a lot of happiness and joy but no I can't say the two were anything alike in my mind. But, being maternal and being a sexual being are not the same lane. Maybe the fact you have less bandwidth for anything else during that time, I guess that part would also be similar.


But, then again, I wouldn't equate it with any positive addictions. Right now, I am really hooked on running, it's really brought back my endorphins, self confidence, and has given me an overall sense of wellbeing. I look forward to it all the time and wish I had even more energy to do it more. I wouldn't compare it to that.


It would be best compared to something destructive - smoking, alcohol, drugs, etc...maybe not the same physical/chemical issues with all of it, but there are more similarities to that than to other things I can think of.

MrsWalloped posted 8/2/2018 08:46 AM

"It's the closest thing to addiction that I have experienced in my life"

Would you equate this feeling with those of being a new mother?


I know the question was directed to hikingout, but not only is the answer to that ďNot even close,Ē but itís two different universes. At least for me, the addictive aspects of my A were the feelings of power and specialness. I was womanly and I was loved. The reason why they were addictive feelings is because when it was over I felt low again and would go back to my AP so he could feed me the lines I was looking for to get me back to that high. I wanted those feelings. Obviously those were false feelings because they didnít last. They were dependent on my AP giving me my fix (you just donít look at it clearly to see it that way when youíre in it).

Motherhood is so vastly different. Hikingout said pure. And selfless. And complete love. I could sit for hours holding each one of my babies and just stare at their faces. Sure I was tired, and had sore nipples, and colicky babies arenít fun, but all that never really bothered me. I never looked at my children as a statement about me. It was about them and always about them. I had my role and I was determined to do my best at that role. To love them and give to them and take care of them and cherish them and protect them.

No offense, but to compare motherhood and an affair is just bizarre to me.

Frankiesbeads posted 8/2/2018 08:50 AM

WS's, thank you for your honesty. I've been getting some insight, and I appreciate it.

Two questions, if I may.

1- how did you flip from being in love with your AP to suddenly realizing that your BS was the real deal?

2- How long did it take for you to finally be 100% honest?

Thank you in advance.

MidnightRun posted 8/2/2018 09:01 AM

Ms Wallop

"No offense, but to compare motherhood and an affair is just bizarre to me".

I was posing the question in a narrow sense, largely seeking to gauge the level of euphoria. I had no intention of conflating the two, and I apologize.

hikingout posted 8/2/2018 09:14 AM

Ms Wallop
"No offense, but to compare motherhood and an affair is just bizarre to me".
I was posing the question in a narrow sense, largely seeking to gauge the level of euphoria. I had no intention of conflating the two, and I apologize.

Ah, I couldn't understand it either MidnightRun...But euphoria. I see where you were going with that.

I guess there is the pure euphoria one feels as a new parent, breast feeding, watching the little scrunched up faces, etc.

And there are other areas that I feel euphoric, that might be more similar. For example, I often feel euphoric after making love with my husband. But, even that has a purity to it. It's true love and comfort, and joy. I couldn't even compare that to having an affair, which would probably seem bizarre because you would think those lanes would at least come together in the fact they are both sexual in nature.

No, it's a far less mindful euphoria with the affair. That's why I mentioned drugs or alcohol. Because you are not mindful, you just want your fix, you don't care about the damage. It's not pure, it's darker, unhealthy, but still a high.

hikingout posted 8/2/2018 09:33 AM

S's, thank you for your honesty. I've been getting some insight, and I appreciate it.
Two questions, if I may.
1- how did you flip from being in love with your AP to suddenly realizing that your BS was the real deal?
2- How long did it take for you to finally be 100% honest?
Thank you in advance.


It was more gradual for me. I think what is hard to understand is the affair often puts one in a state of denial. The truth is widely distorted because of stories that you tell yourself that justifies your behavior and that takes some time to gain equilibrium from.


When the A ended, I knew that

1) I needed to tell my husband

2) That I wanted to work it out with him if he was willing.

3) That I had a little time to prepare, so I went to IC first, and spent a lot of time reading on this site.

At this point, I didn't believe that I didn't love the AP. I felt like I knew I loved my husband but didn't feel "in love" with him. That part was because I had dimmed those feeling with the stories I told myself. But, I have lived long enough and been married long enough that my logical side knew how much in love I had been with my husband before, I would have said he was the love of my life. I knew that just didn't up and walk away. I knew that I was fucked up on so many levels and that if given time I would do the work, that I would feel the way I once did, and that I would hopefully let the AP fade into the background.


So, after about a month and a half, two months, I went and confessed. And, while I thought I had prepared, I was completely unprepared. The pain that I had caused was completely underestimated. I knew not to lie, I knew if I were to have my marriage back I needed to just rip the bandaid and not have him finding out this or that over a period of months. I needed to stand up and try and earn trust from that day forward. So, I told everything I could think of and answered any question he had. It was absolutely the worst day of my life.


I think from that point, I just stayed with it. I was fully committed logically even though it still took months for my emotions to catch up. So, the process was gradual. And, coming out the other end this is what I know:


1. My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. I was a fool to forget that for a minute, and I am lucky and humbled that he has chosen to stay and give me this second chance, that I do not deserve. I will never waste it. I almost lost him, and I will never put myself in that position again.


2. I never loved the AP. I projected these fantasies of who he was onto him, but when I dissected any of those traits I had projected, I could find no evidence through any action or word they were ever true. I loved what I wanted the AP to be. I loved playing a different role in my life. I loved escaping my responsibilities and my reality. But, the AP? He only had to be present.


So, I don't know if this answers your question, but for me none of it was a light switch. It all happened through hard emotional work - here, in my journal, in my prayers, in my talks with my husband, in IC, and even eventually in MC. I would say it took something like 4 or 5 months to see the AP the way I do now (after a 2 month A), and the vulnerability, love, and emotional connection with my husband - I wanted that from even earlier but of course he had to get his equilibrium back - getting synched back up to the place we are now took a full year. Goals I have for the second year is to hopefully just build on that, continue working on myself - dissecting my thoughts and my actions - continuing to show my husband what he means to me. I don't expect his trust to return this year, but I would like to see some of his confidence in me grow.


I hope this helps.

MidnightRun posted 8/2/2018 10:45 AM

Has your bs displayed uncharacteristic aggression in other areas of life after D day, a misguided form of anger release?

EDITED

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:52 AM, August 2nd (Thursday)]

foreverlabeled posted 8/2/2018 11:53 AM

Has your bs displayed uncharacteristic aggression in other areas of life after D day, a misguided form of anger release?
This brought him to a level of anger where everything was uncharacteristic.

I think of it this way, it's not your typical "seeing red" anger. This shit is white hot! One can see through the red, but the white is blinding. Hard to guide your anger when you can't see.

mantorok posted 8/2/2018 13:38 PM

I have another question for WS.

If you lied to your partner during questions about the A. Did you make it up on the spot or did you plan responses beforehand?

The reason I ask is because I had 1 to 2 minutes delay where I could see my spouse thinking of a lie to deter me.

Frankiesbeads posted 8/2/2018 16:34 PM

Hikinhitout, thank you.

It does help. It hurts but thatís hiw the truth works occasionally.

DaddyDom posted 8/3/2018 17:11 PM

@mantorok,

I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but one thing I will say is that, as a WS, there is a lot of pressure and anxiety about how you answer questions. I know that, after someone has betrayed and lied to you the way they do during an affair, it is hard to believe anything at all that passes their lips, and your WS is aware of that too. What I personally found was that truthful answers often tended to bite me in the ass more if I wasn't careful. So when I stopped to think about things, it wasn't because I was thinking up a lie, it was because I needed to scour my brain and think about my answer in order to make sure I had ALL the facts there.

Let me give you an example. Let's say a BS asks their WS if they ever took the AP to go see a movie. The WS remembers going to see a movie with the AP and says so. So far, so good.

Now, a while later, the BS is going through old emails to the AP and sees something about another movie, one their WS didn't happen to mention. The truth is, the WS just plain forgot about seeing that other movie when they answered. But the BS has no way of knowing if that's true or not, and lets face it, the WS isn't the regarded as the most truthful person at the moment, so it makes sense to just assume the WS lied. So just to review, the WS told the BS what they remembered in the moment, which was the truth in their mind, but since they didn't remember the other show, they now have a very angry BS accusing them of lying, and they don't have a leg to stand on. (Please don't take this to mean I'm advocating sympathy for the WS here, the WS brought this on themselves. I'm just explaining the thought process.)

The WS has now learned an important lesson. Their answers need to not only be truthful, but also need to be accurate and complete. Mistakes are seen as lies and deceptions, and forgetting is always seen as a lie, so the pressure now is not only on telling the truth, but also on not getting a single thing wrong or inaccurate. Which happens pretty often because trying to remember stuff under pressure and with the knowledge that what you say has the power to really hurt someone else, it makes it so much harder to think straight and remember things accurately. So... the next time your BS asks you something, you stop and think about your answer, not to lie, but to make sure that what you say next is accurate and complete and honest.

On the other hand, they could just be lying to save their ass. :)

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