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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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Wenda posted 7/31/2018 10:18 AM

Marcy...you break my heart! I don't understand this. How can you love someone and hurt them like this? Even for ego kibbles? I don't think many people would be happy to sit by and be cheated on. I know I was not. I'm sure we are all mature adults and all on here to learn from mistakes. My husband holds me in such high regard...I would be loath to do anything that would cause him to lose his esteem in me. I just wonder why HE did it to ME? I think you have some answers there that could possibly help me.

did you feel unappreciated, or unloved? What I hear from my husband is that he did.

W

Elle2 posted 7/31/2018 11:07 AM

My WH says he feels alone. I don't know what to do or say bc part of me is still angry. Is this normal? What can help?

ArtPatchedHeart81 posted 7/31/2018 12:48 PM

What he feels is sad because his ego isnít being massaged. Donít fall for this. All he should be feeling is grateful you didnít kick him out. He wants you to loosen the reigns so he can play again.

Elle2 posted 7/31/2018 13:03 PM

Ugh.

hikingout posted 7/31/2018 13:09 PM

It is lonely, but lonely is something a wayward has to cope with. We can't be victims in circumstances we created. Is he doing IC?

For me, it was maddening, I had a lot of time on my hands and I felt full of shame, humiliation, sadness. It wasn't my husband's job to fix that. I had to fix that myself. He actually couldn't have fixed it if he tried and it would have been quite codependent of him if he had.

The BS has so much of their own weight to bear, I think your H needs to commit to working on himself, his empathy, and being able to see your struggle as greater than his. IC can help, reading can help. Does he come to this site? How far out are you?

MidnightRun posted 7/31/2018 19:04 PM

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 7:39 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Elle2 posted 7/31/2018 20:58 PM

Hiking he does do IC but we are only 5 weeks post dd. We are both 3 about to be 4 sessions in to IC. All these things GS you say I feel, but don't know how to say them. I guess I worry too much about being a bitch. Don't get me wrong I can be, but with his anger over the years...it can be scary and I've learned not to rock the boat. His therapist has told him that he just needs to sit there, shut up, and take what I say but since he back in the house and we've both committed to R, he thinks that we are going to be gentle with it all. Kind words, avoid fights, discussing it all. Oveet my therapist know that's a big issue...his "bad days" always seem to fall on me, to weigh me down. I take it personally. You cheated and then you mope around having a bad day talking about being worried about us...doubts about us?! It's maddening.
Midnight...yes. it's always there. I described it more as a shark. You can feel it even if you can't see it and it hits me out of no where.

Barregirl posted 7/31/2018 21:16 PM

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?

MidnightRun, some days I feel like it is and others not so much. When my H is having a bad day, or is angry about something unrelated, I sometimes see the gorilla. We have good days and bad days. And I have good days and bad days wrt ruminating over my actions. I try to keep the gorilla to a small 2 pound squirrel though. I live my life as authentically as possible, spend time with my H, and try to express how humbled I am by his choice of R.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/31/2018 22:23 PM

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?
Not any more. It's more like a 50 lb chimpanzee. I bring up the affair more than he does. My continued presence here on SI contributes to keeping my mind occupied with infidelity for at least some fraction of my day. I don't know about BS. I'm sure he still thinks about it but he doesn't seem wrecked by it anymore. It seems like our relationship has healed but I'm not sure about his relationship with himself. I think he still views it as compromised, not because of what I did but because of what AP did. This many years out it still bothers him that AP "got away with it" and didn't have any consequences.

Emotionalhell posted 8/1/2018 06:08 AM

The fog is mentioned here on SI in many post. Iím thinking that those involved in LTA are in deeper fogs. What helped you get out of the fog? What happened to make you realize what your actions had done?
It is hard for me to believe that those in LTA ever really come out of the fog.
If you answer me will you please mention how long you LTA was.
Iím sure you justified your actions to keep the LTA going

ETA: did the amount of lies you told to keep the A going every come ha k to haunt you? And wonder who you were at the time?

Barregirl posted 8/1/2018 06:19 AM

ETA: did the amount of lies you told to keep the A going every come ha k to haunt you? And wonder who you were at the time?


I can't answer the first part of your question as I was not in an LTA, but I can answer this. Unequivocally yes. I have typically been an honest person, telling white lies to avoid hurt feelings and the occasional fake sick to get out of school. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of the lies I told my H to have an A. I don't recognize myself from that time. And even with the shitstorm I was in when it happened, I still can't find the real me during that time. IC has helped me come back to who I truly am, and live an authentic life, but I look back with complete and utter disgust at myself. I am lucky to have an H that remembers the person I was before and loves the person I am working toward becoming again.

islesguy posted 8/1/2018 08:14 AM

MidnightRun,

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?

Yes, every moment of every day. Whether she is in my presence or not my mind is racing with thoughts of what is going on in my BS's head, analyzing every word and gesture she makes to try to get insight to her inner feelings, fears that I may say or do something that is misinterpreted and hurtful, and fears of external sources of triggers.

MrsWalloped posted 8/1/2018 08:26 AM

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?

Yes, but not as a focus on the affair itself. Now itís more about the things weíre doing like IC, dance classes, communication strategies, things like that and the reason behind them is the A. We donít talk about my affair every day, but something will remind both of us about it practically every day, even if itís subtle. Also, neither of us are trying to forget about my A or ďmove past it.Ē Weíre working through R with my A in its proper place within that, and not ignoring it or pretending it didnít happen. Basically, my affair will always be part of our relationship story, so I expect it to always be there to some degree. As time goes by, itís just not as in your face as it was.

Marcy70 posted 8/1/2018 10:21 AM

Marcy...you break my heart! I don't understand this. How can you love someone and hurt them like this? Even for ego kibbles? I don't think many people would be happy to sit by and be cheated on. I know I was not. I'm sure we are all mature adults and all on here to learn from mistakes. My husband holds me in such high regard...I would be loath to do anything that would cause him to lose his esteem in me. I just wonder why HE did it to ME? I think you have some answers there that could possibly help me.
did you feel unappreciated, or unloved? What I hear from my husband is that he did.

I loved my husband, or at least thought I did. I donít think I really understood what love meant, but that is a subject for another post. But the problem was that I ďlovedĒ myself more and was focused on what I needed/wanted rather than what my husband needed or wanted. And what I needed/wanted was utterly unreasonable. I was a bottomless pit needing other people to make me feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough because I couldnít do it for myself. I am learning to do that now.
I did feel unloved. But that wasnít all my husbandís fault. He wasnít perfect and he didnít handle some circumstances the right way. But even if he had handled everything perfectly, I am not sure he could have made me feel loved because I was so needy.
What you said about your husband holding you in high regard...I would give anything to know that my husband holds me in high regard. Maybe someday he will, but my past behavior, both infidelity related and non infidelity related, has made a mountain for me to climb. My fear is that he will always just see me as the broken, dysfunctional, selfish person who hurt him so badly. I try not to think about that much because I canít control waht he thinks. What I can control is whether or not I still think and act that way, so I try to focus on that because itís less discouraging.
I hope this helps.

Darkness Falls posted 8/1/2018 10:29 AM

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?

Not at all.

Candyman66 posted 8/1/2018 12:29 PM

Slight thread/jack, EvolvingSoul have you ever seen the damage a 50 lb chimpanzee can do??? Just saying

hikingout posted 8/1/2018 12:44 PM

Is the affair always an 800-pound gorilla in the room, lurking just below the surface of daily life?


For me, yes. Sometimes it's actually easier for me when we are talking about it. That seems crazy, but the lurking aspect sometimes I don't know where H's head is at. But, it's better than the 1600 pound gorilla that it used to be.

MinnisotaManInWi posted 8/1/2018 14:11 PM

Waywards-

I have read several different Wayward opinions on the quality of sex they had with their AP. The conventional wisdom says affair sex is amazing sex because it is dangerous, taboo and not bogged down with realities such as paying the bills. Some Waywards on this site state the sex with their AP was better than with their spouse but not all Waywards say this. Some say the sex was about average ( same as their spouse ) and others have even stated the sex was bad sex.

I am addressing this topic because my wife had a PA ( not EA ) that lasted four months. She said she ended the affair after four months because it became boring. She also states the sex was average in the beginning of the affair then got boring.

Do Waywards think affair sex can get boring after four months ?

I would like any kind of feedback from Waywards about affair sex versus married sex ( especially long term marriages where sex may have become routine )

While we are at it I have a specific sex question for women:

Can sex that does not produce orgasms actually be better sex than sex that does produce orgasm ?

I ask the above question because when I asked my wife who I have been with more than 30 years including dating why she had sex with another man she said she had become bored with our sex life. I was surprised by her comment because I always give her oral until she has an orgasm every time we have sex. Nonetheless she said she was bored.

She states she didn't have too many orgasms with her AP because he did not give her oral too often.

Would it be possible for her to have preferred sex with her AP at the beginning of her affair even if she was not having orgasms due to no oral ? Is the intensity of affair sex so great orgasms don't really matter ?

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 2:15 PM, August 1st (Wednesday)]

hikingout posted 8/1/2018 15:31 PM

MinnisotaManInWi,

I am going to shoot you straight on my experience, but that doesn't mean that it's your wife's experience. Given the longevity of your marriage, however, I am going to say we're probably of similar age and have been married a slightly shorter time.

I almost always O with my H. He knows my body, we have all our surefire stuff that we learned worked for us years ago. He is generous and caring and he is most turned on by giving me pleasure and vice versa. I wasn't bored with our sex life by any means, but I did wonder if I would respond differently to things with a different person. But, by far my husband has been my best lover of any in my life, and that's the truth.


I enjoyed sex with the AP at the time it was happening. I thought we cared about each other. But, it wasn't over the top, it wasn't crazy. It was pretty vanilla for the most part. It happened 3 times. I did not have an O at any point with him. I think it's hard for a woman to get that comfortable with a man. We don't know what they want yet, they haven't figured out our buttons either. It was better than awkward, but it wasn't crazy porn star sex that others on this site talk about. I hadn't been with another man for over 25 years, it was a little like having an out of body experience.


Overall, the man was using me for sex. I didn't want to admit it to myself at that point in time, but he was. And, I was all over here thinking we had an emotional connection and in the end that's what I was using him for. I don't have fond memories of the sex, and I wish it had never happened. When I think about it now sometimes it's merely cringeworthy, but usually feels humiliating.


I don't have to O to make it a great sexual experience. But, when I don't O with my husband I still feel loved and valued. We spent time being close together and I enjoyed the intimacy. When I didn't O with the AP it felt like I hadn't done my job or something, didn't fulfill his fantasy.

I think sometimes it's confusing for a BH to find that the wife continued to have sex with someone that didn't satisfy her sexually. I think some think it will get better, others think the sex is part of progressing the relationship, some think they can blow the guys mind and win them, and others they just like the role they get to play.


Darkness Falls posted 8/1/2018 15:42 PM

I donít have an opinion on ďaffair sexĒ vs. ďmarried sex.Ē I have an opinion on sex with people, not with relationships.

That being said, my affair was with my ex. I had previously had sexual experience with him, so it wasnít a new thing or new partner. It was NOT exciting because it was taboo. I hated the hidden, taboo, deceitful aspect and never found having a ďsecret lifeĒ exciting or titillating at all. Every minute of the affair I spent wishing I had the guts to just bring it all into the open.

Yes, sex can be pleasureable without orgasm.

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