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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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ff4152 posted 7/14/2018 20:32 PM

Chaos

IMO, you’re trying to apply rational where none exists. I have always felt that the most simplistic answer for the why is because I wanted to. I had a shitty childhood but so did millions of other people and they didn’t cheat. I knew cheating was wrong yet I did it anyway. All this talk of FOO, bipolar disorder or whatever, the fact remains we WS were concious enough to try and hide our tracks, ergo we knew we were stepping over a HUGE line and the consequences be damned.

I say all of this, because like you, I have a very analytical mind. I am driving myself crazy trying to analyze this behavior. Even my IC said at some point you have to realize that you may never have that one true answer. I have to accept that fact and work on what I know to be broken.

I have been struggling very much of late because of this. But I am at a point where I can recognize when my thoughts are being unreasonable, the same thoughts that led me to have the A. During my IC session recently, he asked if I was thinking of having another A. Every fiber of my being was horrified at even the thought of being with someone else. I’ve said this before but I would rather die than cheat on my wife ever again.

Chaos

Keep on keeping on. I pray you and your WH can make it through this awful thing known as infidelity. Peace to you both.

Chaos posted 7/14/2018 21:26 PM


ff4152 - Thank you.

you’re trying to apply rational where none exists.

Not the first time I've heard this :)

I have always felt that the most simplistic answer for the why is because I wanted to. I had a shitty childhood but so did millions of other people and they didn’t cheat. I knew cheating was wrong yet I did it anyway.

Thank you. Sadly, you have answered my question. And you are right. It really just comes down to that. The lowest common denominator. It is so simple. I thank you for having the ballz to say it.

And since you spoke the truth, even though I don't like the reality of it. I asked for the truth and you simply gave it to me straight.

I've spent countless hours searching for answers. I've read so many books, blogs, stories. I've listened to so many interviews, pod casts, etc. I've gotten so many different perspectives. Nothing filled the void of not knowing, of not understanding. I didn't really know what I was looking for in that respect, but knew I'd know I had the answer when I found it.

Now I know. And somehow the weight of the unknown has been lifted. And now I can begin to process.

islesguy posted 7/15/2018 00:44 AM

Wenda,

Another question for WS: did your affair partner manipulate you in any way?

I believe she used me for attention as much as I used her. Is this manipulation, probably but we were both doing the same thing and made the same free choice to do so.

islesguy posted 7/15/2018 00:49 AM

Chaos,

I think you said it best. You will not be able to understand because it just isn't in your make up. My BS will never understand how I could be the way I have been to her. She sees me as a monster because that is the only thing that makes sense to her. I have a very hard time explaining myself and my actions because I know how wrong I have been with everything but yet while it was happening, it didn't feel the same. It is often only looking back on my actions that there is a clear sense of what was wrong and sometimes it has to be explicitly pointed out.

Lucky77 posted 7/15/2018 07:06 AM

Hi Chaos

For those WS who were involved in more than a ONS and [claim] you didn't want to lose your spouse/family, that you loved your spouse/family, that you realized that you couldn't keep doing this - why didn't you just stop?

My A was like quick sand. I slowly got pulled in more deeply and deeply and before I knew it I was trapped waist deep.

Getting to that point was a death by a thousand cuts. Every day, more and more gradual crossing of boundaries…….simply texting of a kiss emoji…….texting a hug………dozens of texts per day. Getting flattered in return was very exciting. I had my life compartmentalized. I was instantly able to flick attention from my W to my AP and back.

Soon the dopamine kicked in and I was high. The A is was a drug. Pulling away caused literal pangs in my stomach when my logic kicked in telling me this was crazy and should stop. I was so pulled and drawn to AP that indeed I questioned whether I was in L or not. What is L after all? If its constant non-stop thinking about AP then I guess it was. Did I still L my W during the A? I sure think so but it’s hard to argue that I was behaving that way because I wasn’t.

Alas I’m back to my family and the AP is in the rearview mirror. I think of her often though. My W is awesome. I came so close to blowing my world up though.

FightingBack posted 7/15/2018 09:44 AM

I hope it is alright to repost this question. I am afraid it will get lost....

My WS has always claimed that he felt no emotional connection to his MOW, nor did he have any internal conflict during the A years, nor did he have any worries or even considerations as to possible fallout/consequences.
I still have a very hard time understanding and believing this.
He admits now, that this behaviour was “beyond terrible” but his ability to compartmentalize a double life to that extent seems even beyond typical wayward capabilities. Any thoughts? Thanks

MidnightRun posted 7/15/2018 12:14 PM

Have you made a grand gesture to 'make it up' to your bs, even though nothing can truly mitigate the damage?

earlydetour posted 7/15/2018 12:41 PM

I experienced the classic vilification by my fWH and in the 29 years since DDay, I've seen it come back from time to time in various stressful situations - life can throw plenty of things at you as a person and a couple in 29 years.

Has any WS, especially ones that have gone down the R road, realized that they occasionally cycle back into vilification with their BS? Any insight into why? Are you as a WS triggering? Are there any other ways you've recognized that you changed during the A that still come back to negatively affect your M and BS?

Lucky77 posted 7/15/2018 13:47 PM

Hi Fightingback,

My WS has always claimed that he felt no emotional connection to his MOW, nor did he have any internal conflict during the A years, nor did he have any worries or even considerations as to possible fallout/consequences.
I still have a very hard time understanding and believing this.
He admits now, that this behaviour was “beyond terrible” but his ability to compartmentalize a double life to that extent seems even beyond typical wayward capabilities.

Your WS sounds like me. I was banging the chick from work. My ego was on turbo overload. I was able to keep my W at home and a secret GF at work and not get busted. So full of myself. I didn't feel guilt. I had it all compartmentalized. There was not any competing for my heart. I had it sectioned into pieces. Pretty sad.

I don't trust his honesty with the "beyond terrible" remark. At the time he felt on top of the world and was having a ball. Who wouldn't want to have two women ......it's twice the fun as one. Until its not. And then everything goes to hell.

So I'd call his wayward abilities pretty solid but not out of the norm.

WilliamM posted 7/15/2018 15:37 PM

What missteps did your BS make during reconciliation?

FightingBack posted 7/15/2018 18:09 PM

Thank you Lucky.

Darkness Falls posted 7/15/2018 19:49 PM

Have you made a grand gesture to 'make it up' to your bs, even though nothing can truly mitigate the damage?

No

Darkness Falls posted 7/15/2018 19:51 PM

What missteps did your BS make during reconciliation?

He still refuses to hear my love language and communicate in a meaningful way. I've given in and I get the majority of my emotional needs met elsewhere.

hikingout posted 7/15/2018 20:54 PM

William,

Missteps? Maybe because we are not but a year in- I have no idea how to answer that question. At this point I am just happy that he is trying with me. Anything he’s done or didn’t do- I haven’t judged. Who the heck knows how to do this anyway? I just want him to try with me and he is. That’s all that matters.

MidnightRun posted 7/15/2018 21:14 PM

Do you think your bs will ever truly cherish you like before? Of course, that may not be the aim.

Darkness Falls posted 7/16/2018 05:45 AM

Do you think your bs will ever truly cherish you like before? Of course, that may not be the aim.

No I don’t.

As you astutely reference, though, that’s not the aim. I don’t feel the same about him either. What’s important though is how we treat each other and that is with love and respect regardless of how we feel.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 5:46 AM, July 16th (Monday)]

Chaos posted 7/16/2018 07:27 AM

Thank you Lucky.

I understand what you are saying on some level. And I appreciate the explanation.

While I am glad to hear AP is in the rear view mirror and your W is awesome - you say you think of AP often. May I ask in what way?

hikingout posted 7/16/2018 10:04 AM

Do you think your bs will ever truly cherish you like before? Of course, that may not be the aim.

I don't know if I actually think it will happen, but I hope for it.

Brennan87 posted 7/16/2018 10:59 AM

For those WS that have imparted their insight, thank you again. You can't begin to know how helpful it all has been.

One more question if I may:

For those of you who experienced previous abuse (emotional, sexual, physical) and "recreated" some of these aspects in your affair. Did/do you view this as another instance of abuse?


I ask this, as my WW just can't see the grooming/predator actions her AP did and how he too abused her during the affair just like the men prior too me did and I say right down to same words and actions. She completely sees how she recreated past traumas (back to her comfort zone) but she can't see the AP abused her just like the men prior did, because she "chose" to allow it versus previously she didn't have a choice. Does this resonate with any of you?


I think I struggle with this because where I sit and several therapists sit. She went from abuse to "the good guy" back to abuse.


HarryChicago posted 7/16/2018 12:18 PM

Little bit of background:

I'm about 6 months out from DD. Married for approximately 24 years and my wife had a 3-5 month "remote" affair via FB/SMS/Phone with an acquaintance (not old BF) from HS.

He lives across the country. The EA culminated in a 1.5-day visit from the AP while I was out of town. She told me about the affair shortly afterwards and has been very open about what occurred. She is NC. She feels shame and remorse and she feels/thinks she was in love with him. We are both in IC and attending MC weekly. We both want it to work.

Life is rough, but it seems to be getting better day by day. I am working "on my own stuff" in IC and its hard but makes me feel good. On the other hand, she is very fragile right now. Still breaking down every other day or so. She's become a much more sad and reserved person than she used to be. I have way more "good days" than she does.

BTW, I *have* asked her straight up who she wants. She wants me. I've told her she needs to tell me that regularly and if she feels different to let me know.

Current situation:

She still has feelings for and thoughts about this guy. Once every couple of weeks she breaks down because:

- She has a thought about him while with me

- She feels sad/guilty/bad that she did - But she still misses him sometimes

- She feels sad/guilty/bad that I can tell what's going on but isn't going to lie to me

...It's sort of a Gordian knot of thoughts and emotions. Its messy.

Here's the question:

If you were involved in something that was more EA-flavored, how long did this last for you? I guess my WS won't ever really forget about him entirely, and this is her cross to bear. (Well, it's ours, now that I think about it)...but how long did it take for you to feel like you were sort of "over the hump"? When did that pull get less strong? Why?

From the reading I've done on SI, I've seen that it happens very quickly for some -- that the WS almost seems to "flip" and sort of despise the AP. What I haven't heard are stories of the WS feeling a lingering fondness for the AP, dealing with those thoughts, and learning to live with them as they become a "once in blue moon" sort of thing that is easily ignored.

Can anyone help me out with that? I'm trying to understand whats going on in her head and how long I might need to be willing to "wait on her" in this regard.

Thanks!

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