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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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MidnightRun posted 7/7/2018 12:33 PM


Darkness Falls said:

"So why did she have an affair rather than divorce you?"

This parodox is at the root of all infidelity.

Darkness Falls posted 7/7/2018 12:57 PM

Yes it is; I am aware of the irony in my asking that as a WS and it’s only with the benefit of hindsight that I’m able to. But I think it’s a very valid question for those WS who use some excuse about the BS or the marriage to rationalize their cheating. Believe me there are things I don’t like about my husband, as there are things he doesn’t like about me. But neither of us think that having an affair is somehow going to fix those things. 😂

Icewraithonyx posted 7/7/2018 13:54 PM

Shocked123: Two wrongs don't make a right but being an abused spouse changes your way of thinking. Perhaps this was her way of surviving the treatment she was receiving.

I wonder if this is what happened with her. I don't think she was "looking" for an affair, she has said that she was just looking for human contact.

Darkness Falls: So why did she have an affair rather than divorce you?

I think partly for the same reason *I* didn't file for divorce. At the time, she was a SAHM and I was going to school. We simply didn't have the means to separate and divorce. Plus it's an ugly fact that many abusive situations escalate dangerously (or fatally) when the victim is trying to get out.

How did she think having an affair would help the situation?

Isn't that the age-old question? Are there any sitations that an affair DOES help?

If she wanted to be in a relationship that wasn’t emotionally abusive then why not leave you first so she’d be single and free?
Lack of means is my prevailing theory.

I think my big question is whether this is blame-shifting or a valid answer to the WHY question?

[This message edited by Icewraithonyx at 2:03 PM, July 7th (Saturday)]

Darkness Falls posted 7/7/2018 14:08 PM

Are there any sitations that an affair DOES help?

In my opinion, absolutely not.

Yet, some WSs still seem to think there are. And then those WSs blame some characteristic of the BS or the marriage and say “that’s why I cheated” but can’t or won’t answer the question of why they thought cheating was a viable choice in DEALING with X, Y, or Z marital issue. That has always confused me.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 2:08 PM, July 7th (Saturday)]

12and20years posted 7/7/2018 16:40 PM

Darkness Falls: So why did she have an affair rather than divorce you?

this is one of the things that ticks me off- i told WH- you stole 5 years of my life, i would have given you the divorce, i could have met someone else, given my son the sibling he has been begging for- but instead you were selfish and stole 5 years of my life where i could have remarried, had more kids, been happy. Instead i live with knowing the last 5 years with him was all a lie, every moment.

Darkness Falls posted 7/7/2018 17:02 PM


And I think THOSE are the “why?”s a WS should be focusing on—not the easy answer of gripes about the marriage or the BS or mid-life crisis or whatever the excuse is, but why the answer to life’s and marriage’s inevitable challenges was an extramarital affair.

Oftentimes the answers to these are really ugly and the WS won’t want to face them. For example, MY “why?” of why I didn’t get a divorce before I started cheating with my ex was that I was afraid to lose my safety net if things with him didn’t work out and I didn’t want to be left with nothing. Essentially, I was a coward. Now I’m not proud of that—in fact, I realize it makes me sound like a total shit, because I WAS a total shit. Butt I was willing to face up to that and own it and come to terms with it, which is how I was able to change and STOP being a shit. Unfortunately many WSs can’t or won’t do that.

Shocked123 posted 7/7/2018 17:05 PM

I know what you mean about years of your life being stolen. I was under 40 when his cheating started and now 55 when I discovered it. While I did not want any other children, I certainly could have spent my "younger" years with someone who appreciated me, my body and my children. Instead ,now I am worn down, bitter and way past my sexual prime. That's not to say that this will pass and I won't feel better about myself but it would have been easier to get over it at a younger age.

12and20years posted 7/7/2018 21:06 PM

Darkness falls: exactly- the AP herself was married and a subordinate at work so there was no happily ever after for him, so he was cake eating galore! he's still mad and not remorseful- or at least not showing it to me. I hope he is remorseful in private and just too prideful to own up to it. i hope someday he has the clarity you have. Thanks for being honest. Shocked 123, yeah he basically took my early 40's- so stole the last amount of time i could have had kids from me.

islesguy posted 7/8/2018 23:12 PM


We always hear and read about what we as BSs lose when our spouses cheat. We also read about what is forever destroyed because of the A. What has the affair changed how you see yourself? Your husband? Your marriage? What is forever destroyed in you, if anything? What has forever blossomed in you post affait?

I have had to come to the conclusion that my entire life has been a lie from my teen years. The person that I looked at in the mirror that I had convinced myself was a good hared working person has been a non caring, self serving, chauvinistic, lying, manipulating pig and trying to change these behaviors and failing along the way has been really hard to live with. I don't like to look in the mirror anymore. So, what is forever destroyed is my self image. I am not sure if anything is blossomed other than maybe I am a better father than I was before.

MidnightRun posted 7/9/2018 11:42 AM

What resources are used by your bs to deal with the betrayal--spirituality, family, counseling, etc.?

Darkness Falls posted 7/9/2018 13:41 PM

What resources are used by your bs to deal with the betrayal--spirituality, family, counseling, etc.?

At least since 2012, nothing.

Prior to that? Fucking my xBFF, until she cheated on him too and dumped him in 2011.

MidnightRun posted 7/9/2018 15:48 PM

I see my experience mirrored repeatedly in jfo--the successful husband who works tirelessly to be a good provider then, bam--ap makes his debut, with fool's gold.

Did you ever mention at least once to your bs that something was amiss in the marriage--before the affair?

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:16 PM, July 9th (Monday)]

WJHSDG posted 7/9/2018 18:29 PM

Default Posted: 11:15 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2018 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage
I am a betrayed spouse my H has chose to stay with his AP.I would just like input from WS that thought they were so in love with their AP and then the new wore off and they realized what they were giving up to be with AP. Can you please tell me what changed in the affair to make you want to go back to your spouse?

Darkness Falls posted 7/9/2018 18:42 PM

Midnight, there was nothing amiss in the marriage so there was nothing to tell.

There was plenty amiss in ME, and while he knew about a lot of my baggage and “issues” as it were, I did NOT tell him that I’d go back to my ex if given the chance. That was wrong of me; inexcusable, really.

Barregirl posted 7/10/2018 05:56 AM

Midnight- my H and I had many issues in our M. And yes we talked about them and fixing them. But in our M, nothing ever changed. Or a change would happen for a few days, and go right back. We talked about divorcing several times, but didn't want to give up trying. Until I did give up trying. Now we are both in IC and working toward building a new M. My H and I now recognize the destructive patterns in our communication and shut them down when they arise.

MidnightRun posted 7/10/2018 07:52 AM

Darkness Falls,

I should have qualified my question. Indeed, in some cases, the marriage was fundamentally sound--and ww's sought validation, etc.

doigoordoistay posted 7/10/2018 12:58 PM

Why after 2 years of trying, would a WS decide to pull away after the BS is coming out of their emotional turmoil and wanting to rebuild the marriage? As far as I can tell, there isn't another A happening. Just seemed like as soon as I was coming around and being more kind and affectionate, instead of reciprocating, he decided instead to push me off the cliff... Any ideas?

Barregirl posted 7/10/2018 13:19 PM

Doigoordoistay- I think this is something you need to ask the source. I can't think of single reason to push me BS away. I am so humbled by his decision to attempt R that the thought of disconnecting once again is incredibly painful. I wish I could offer more than to ask him why he is suddenly pushing you away. I hope it gets better!

doigoordoistay posted 7/10/2018 13:26 PM

I did ask him. He just keeps saying he doesn't know and needs to figure it out. Needless to say, I set him free and told him I was done. I guess I'm just trying to seek answers where there aren't any...

Darkness Falls posted 7/10/2018 17:43 PM

He might want to consider IC. If he doesn’t want to R anymore that’s cool, but he really needs to find a less passive-aggressive way to go about it.

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