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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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mike7 posted 7/5/2018 22:58 PM

Darkness Falls is one of several waywards here that give painfully honest answers to difficult questions in order to help us. She's awesome.

Followtheriver posted 7/5/2018 23:16 PM

Waywards have you ever really been surprised by the pain you see in the BS post? Has that given you new insight to what your actions may have caused?

Emotionalhell

When I first started reading here, I was not only surprised but shocked by the range of emotions being expressed. Their pain and anger hit me the hardest. So hard that I almost didn't come back. In dealing with the pain and anger from my own BH, reading of others was almost too much.

Yes it has given me some deep insight into the destruction I caused. There are a few stories from BH's who were a big part of me really "getting it". Their stories also helped me to help my own BH.

[This message edited by Followtheriver at 11:28 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

Followtheriver posted 7/5/2018 23:46 PM

Would you feel threatened if your bs wanted to vacation alone?

MidnightRun

I would not feel threatened at all if my BH wanted to take a vacation by himself. A long weekend in Vegas by himself? I still would have no problem with it. I feel that he has more than earned some down time if he wanted it. Not just from what I have put him through but from working so hard and always putting his family first.

hikingout posted 7/6/2018 08:29 AM

Waywards, thanks again for continuing to answer the myriad questions, even the minutiae. Your responses has given me invaluable insight into human behavior--and my ex's mindset.


Midnightrun, sometimes I wonder based on your questions and statements - if could go back and change how things happened with some of the knowledge you have found, would you have stayed?

Shocked123 posted 7/6/2018 08:54 AM

Not sure I'm in the right place here but this has been bothering me since I discovered and confronted my husband with his massage with happy ending habit.
If there are any men out there who were using these services, what goes on in these rooms exactly? What could be so good that your wife can't provide the same comfort? Assuming your wife is a willing and able partner, what would lead you to go to these places? Also, it is reasonable for me to believe my husband when he says that he has been to massage parlours in Asia as well as at home for at least 10 years but has never had full sex? Claims hand jobs only with blow job only twice. Is he making a fool of me?
Sorry if this is too detailed but I am so confused right now. We are intimate again but all I can think of is that I am not living up to their mysterious tricks that kept him so interested all those years.
Any feedback is welcome.

hikingout posted 7/6/2018 09:00 AM

I have not been to one, my husband has once. (No he didn't cheat on me)

He said that he was offered a couple of things, a hj, a bj, and the rest of it was vague. He said he thought he probably could have had full on sex by the vague part but that wasn't the focus of the proposition. He got a HJ. He said that it was rough and quick and very focused on being over as quickly as possible. That could have been due to who he got. He said for it to be a massage parlor he thought they would know some tricks. But, no, it seemed very release based. I don't know if the ones here would be anything like Asia either.

Followtheriver posted 7/6/2018 13:01 PM

Shocked123

Pre-A, I had the same thoughts and feelings that you are having. Similar situation but my questions revolved around Strip Clubs.

My BH would go to strip clubs more than I liked for the sake of business and that's where the guys want to go.

All I knew about them was from TV or what I had read. My BH told me that he never went to the private rooms but did pay for lap dances. A few times they were in the VIP section.

When I would try to talk to him about it or ask questions, he would tell me that I would have to go with him sometime.

What bothered me the most was that he would always come home really turned on and almost demanded sex. When I tried to say something, he would jump in with "but I was thinking of you the whole time".

It made me feel cheap, less than and hurt because I evidently couldn't do for my BH what they could do. I couldn't compete and I knew it.

But hey, as long as he was thinking of me the whole time, coming home to me and it made him want me even more, I should have been thankful. Lol. This is what he wanted me to believe.

I went and bought a pair of stripper heels, an outfit and body glitter in trying to give him at home what he got from the strip club.

We were kids free for the night, so I put my best stripper look on, turned up "You Shook Me All Night Long" by ACDC and did my thing. He liked it, I felt ridiculous. Did I mention that I had even practiced before hand? A couple of weeks later, he was back at the strip club.

My point is that no matter what I did or didn't do, my BH just liked going to strip clubs. It didn't matter that my body looked just as good or I could dance better or 50 other things. The part I couldn't give him and he went back for was the fantasy.

I will add that this was many years ago. I never viewed it as cheating and I still don't. I realize now that his behavior was very disrespectful to me and he crossed several boundaries that he would not cross today.

MidnightRun posted 7/6/2018 18:27 PM

Hikingout,

Would I have stayed had I the knowledge gleaned here? Possibly.

I certainly would have approached it differently. She was a good woman who made a tragic mistake, and would have moved mountains for an opportunity to save the M.

Remoresful wayward wives here remind me of her--particularly those with deep foo issues.

At the time, infidelity simply was a deal breaker.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 7:06 PM, July 6th (Friday)]

Darkness Falls posted 7/6/2018 18:43 PM

At the time, infidelity simply was a deal breaker.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's completely understandable.

WilliamM posted 7/6/2018 18:51 PM

We always hear and read about what we as BSs lose when our spouses cheat. We also read about what is forever destroyed because of the A. What has the affair changed how you see yourself? Your husband? Your marriage? What is forever destroyed in you, if anything? What has forever blossomed in you post affait?

Barregirl posted 7/6/2018 20:04 PM

We always hear and read about what we as BSs lose when our spouses cheat. We also read about what is forever destroyed because of the A. What has the affair changed how you see yourself? Your husband? Your marriage? What is forever destroyed in you, if anything? What has forever blossomed in you post affait

WilliamM, the A has opened my eyes and allowed me to see my own selfishness. I never gave being selfish a thought. Now in hindsight, I can see it throughout my life. The A also allowed me to see how little I ever had to work for anything. Things just came easily.
As for how I see my husband, he has shown me what true grace really is. He is patient and strong.
The A didn't show me anything in our M that I wasn't aware of, but it did force my H and I to finally confront our issues head on. There was no more ignoring our disconnect. We had to talk to each other and listen to each other. We had to freely share our thoughts, dreams and fears.
I think that the A destroyed my belief that I could handle anything. I learned the value of asking for help and not trying to do it all myself. What blossomed in me is a far stronger work ethic in all things. I am no longer content to coast. I work every day to deserve my H and to count my blessings. I married a wonderful man that I hurt so terribly who sees something worth redemption in me. I will strive for that something every single minute.

MidnightRun posted 7/6/2018 20:49 PM

Are you now more authentic in other relationships--relatives, friends, co-workers?

Darkness Falls posted 7/6/2018 21:07 PM

Oh for sure. I’m much less of a pleaser now, so what you see is what you get.

Shocked123 posted 7/6/2018 21:32 PM

Followtheriver and hikingout,
Thank you for your responses. I do feel inferior to these women, but also know that is ridiculous. I guess only time will tell if I can get over this. The mental movies are killing me though. Keep picturing these young things doing all kinds of stuff. I will never really know what goes on. Perhaps a man or two will come forward on this forum.

Shocked123 posted 7/7/2018 07:11 AM

Hikingout,
I thought of your stripper story all night long. It kept me up because it made me so sad how hard you tried to please him and he went right back to the clubs. How humiliating that must have been. Worries me that now that we are intimate and reconciling and no matter what I give him, or well I perform these acts, will he too run back to massage parlours for the excitment.
I hate living like this. He has changed me forever.

MidnightRun posted 7/7/2018 08:09 AM

For those who are religious, how did you reconcile your actions with god and the church/synagogue/mosque?

Darkness Falls posted 7/7/2018 08:35 AM

I was remorseful for and ashamed of my behavior, so I repented—I determined to turn away from adultery and any future behavior like it. I changed my actions from that point forward and I asked God for forgiveness. And I continued to keep my actions changed!

Icewraithonyx posted 7/7/2018 10:55 AM

Wife and I have had discussions about her WHY for the affair and how she feels that I don't give that enough consideration.

Is there a good WHY for having an affair?

I was emotionally abusive to her for years and she states this is her WHY.

Is that a valid answer?

Shocked123 posted 7/7/2018 11:20 AM

Two wrongs don't make a right but being an abused spouse changes your way of thinking. Perhaps this was her way of surviving the treatment she was receiving.

Darkness Falls posted 7/7/2018 11:54 AM

So why did she have an affair rather than divorce you? How did she think having an affair would help the situation? If she wanted to be in a relationship that wasn’t emotionally abusive then why not leave you first so she’d be single and free?

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