Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Brennan87 posted 6/27/2018 08:12 AM

I hesitate to post this question, as I'm not sure I want to hear the response. :( But I am struggling with this today and need some nuggets of wisdom.

During a recent discussion with my WW, I raised the topic of did you tell AP you missed him, missed him touching you, etc during our break. Note, there was 10 weeks during the affair that no physical interaction occurred as it was the holiday season and she felt this should be family time. She responded with no, that would imply I missed him, etc and I didn't. As there was no emotional attachment, blah, blah blah. However, I did text him vulgar things (my apology to the ladies for the vulgarity, I've cleaned up it a bit) such as "I need sex" or "I'm turned on and need to feel you XXXXXXX". Too me while this doesn't reflect the actual "miss him, his touch" verbatim, it does imply she was missing the sexual aspect. I digress a bit. How is someone who has had a sexual abuse past, says that sex with the AP took her back to her past, able to then say she missed it? What am I missing. Is there a lie in here I'm not seeing?

Thanks!

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 6/27/2018 13:26 PM

My questions is, how do you do it? How do you go home and share a life with your partner, knowing what you are doing behind their back? I guess I am directing this more towards the SW's that had LTA's that were both EA's and PA's at the same time. How do you share yourself so much between 2? I actually feel like in some ways, he cheats on her with me!

FoenixRising posted 6/27/2018 13:57 PM

Brennan- I cant say this certainty but if your WW only had a PA and just said she missed the sex component and you have no proof of anything else transpiring (EA) then maybe that is all it was. Sexual abuse can cause all types deformed thinking and clearly it did here as she chose to step out. I actually think the fact that it was not EA makes it more plausible that she in fact was sexually distorted and that was what she reaching for bc of the past abuse. Oftentimes rapists, molesters, all have had a history of sexual abuse and while that does not excuse their choice to commit their own sexual abuse it still is often a fact. Perhaps the same applies here. I'm not saying that your W is a sexual predator but perhaps she did step out bc of her history.

Whyagainher- That is a good question that many of us waywards find ourselves asking once DDay hits. The reality becomes quite clear when the fantasy breaks.

hikingout posted 6/27/2018 15:52 PM

Brennan,

I am not sure I follow your post exactly. However, I think often the vulgar talk that I did with the AP in my situation was in exchange for the attention and ego kibbles. I didn't really miss physical aspects or anything like that, I did want to be around him. Maybe I am not following your post with the clarity I should but maybe this will prompt a further question from you.

Brennan87 posted 6/27/2018 16:39 PM

Feonix,

I would agree with this to a degree, there was an element of EA from my perspective. She shared private thoughts about our marriage, my life, etc and did to a degree rely on him as her BFF was dying for emotional support. Do I believe there was an emotional connection? Not truly, there wasn't love, intimacy maybe. I do believe what three therapists have said and to confirm a bit what she has said is true. THey all believe she re-enacted to the specific letter her previous trauma and she has indicated it was "what she deserved". Still doesn't make it palpable to me though.

Hiking out,
My apology for being vague but I wanted to keep it that way to ensure I was respectful. I think I hear what your saying that the vulgarity wasn't something you enjoyed perse but it was a trade off for the attention, desire, etc you received. That I get. What I don't get is, how can she say the sex took her back to her traumas but then tell him she missed it. Or indicate it was thrilling/exciting.. THey just don't resonate with me. Make more sense?

hikingout posted 6/27/2018 17:46 PM

Brennan,

I understand the question better now especially in context if the exchange with you And FR. I donít have extensive experience here but I know when I was molested as a girl I was groomed for it to some degree. And while the acts themselves were not enjoyable to me I did enjoy the attention otherwise and this is why I didnít tell and still wanted to be around my abuser. I donít relate my affair to it normally and do not have issues with sexual distortion, but I can tell you:

A) the trade off was similar (though never thought about it before now)
B) the situation as a girl while I was of an undeniable age of innocence, had pleasant aspects to it - the sexual I just didnít think about it and avoided it as I was able.

I donít know if this helps at all.

WilliamM posted 6/27/2018 20:18 PM

Besides the affair itself, what was the hardest thing to admit to your BS? What was the hardest thing to hear from your BS? What was the hardest thing the BS asked you to do?

[This message edited by WilliamM at 8:19 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

JustDone posted 6/27/2018 21:44 PM

Brennan, sometimes people may subconsciously go back to the past, or past traumas, to try to somehow "fix" them or to go back and fix themselves or change the old situation.

(Ask me how I know).
But the past is past and you can only go forward.

Maybe your wife was somehow trying to turn back time to correct or relive past mistakes or even perhaps to take her back to a time when she wasn't so damaged? Sometimes when you're so traumatized it comes back to haunt you. Could that be a part of it.

Dealing with unresolved trauma can be a bitch.

FoenixRising posted 6/28/2018 02:59 AM

ďBesides the affair itself, what was the hardest thing to admit to your BS? What was the hardest thing to hear from your BS? What was the hardest thing the BS asked you to do?Ē

Admitting to the affair was tough. Admitting to my self that it was all made up and a fantasy was even tougher. As a mother and a wife, Iíve slways prided myself of my well rounded morals. (I swear I did have them before all this.) Finding out my isnít capabilities of betrayal that weíre for nothing but fantasy was soul crushing. I think I condoned the cheating by believing in all the Ďoh this is fateí bullshit.
The hardest thing to hear from my spouse or that he asked me to do was Ďmaybe you need to go away for a while and figure yourself outí. He meant a friends or something. I knew I needed more than that so I checked in to a psych ward. Hardest thing I ever experienced but I wasnít there for coddling. I did the work. I got better... better enough to be discharged. Still didnít go home. Stayed away while I did my outpatient therapy. It was hard in every way but I needed it.

hikingout posted 6/28/2018 08:54 AM

William,

Besides the fact I had the affair, the hardest detail was to admit that I told the AP I loved him and that I believed it to be true.

The hardest thing to hear from my BS is that he wanted a divorce. And the hardest thing to do was to separate our things from our bedroom and move them in other rooms. Then, watch him leave town for a week and feeling the finality of all of it.

Followtheriver posted 6/28/2018 09:18 AM

Besides the affair itself, what was the hardest thing to admit to your BS? What was the hardest thing to hear from your BS? What was the hardest thing the BS asked you to do?

WilliamM

The hardest thing to admit to my BH was my true why's of the A. To admit that I was filled with such rage and hate from a lifetime of FOO abuse and his treatment of me during our pre-A M that I intentionally set out to destroy everything in my path. Think of Carrie at the prom.

The hardest thing to hear from my BH was the kindness in his voice on D-day. No anger, yelling or losing his temper just a gentleness that I had never seen from him before.

The hardest thing to my BH asked me to do was face my FOO. It was also the scariest. He knew that there was abuse in my childhood but not to what extent.

Brennan87 posted 6/28/2018 09:24 AM

Justdone,

That makes total sense on going back, but the motivation of why I think is unknown. Could it be cause even though she relived past trauma's that she could control this time versus in her youth? Was it an escape from life due to problems in our marriage, death of BFF and grandfather. A combination of factors?

MrsWalloped posted 6/28/2018 12:02 PM

Itís hard to pick just one thing for each.

Besides the affair itself, what was the hardest thing to admit to your BS?
Probably all the things I did with my AP and how I acted with him. Itís hard to describe the way my BH looked when he asked me about it. Each answer was like me stabbing him in his chest and he just kept asking and I had to do it over and over again. I think that was the hardest thing.
What was the hardest thing to hear from your BS?
All of our conversations about him leaving and getting divorced.
What was the hardest thing the BS asked you to do?
This is a hard question to answer. In terms of pure difficulty over time, to work on myself and figure myself out. Itís been 3 years of hard work and Iím still going. But I think you mean something more tangible or immediate. So, probably when he asked me to leave the house. He sent me to my sisterís and said it was so she could watch over me so I donít harm myself, but at the time I was certain he was kicking me out.

Lazarus posted 6/28/2018 12:26 PM

Thanks for the responses. I'm really interested in how long it took for you to feel true remorse. I'm about to celebrate the 6 month anniversary of dday and I see a lot of progress, but overall it is still more about her. Anyways, I'm not inclined to do anything drastic, we are technically separated anyways though we are still working on it (I just don't want to wait a full year if things are still going poorly in a few months). 6 months seems like it should have been more than enough time. She has stopped being an ass (varying degrees of foggy for first 1- 2 months, NC in at least 3 months... she never went out with him or anything but they exchanged emails at 2 months, which I read), but not yet remorseful IMO.

Hickoryapple posted 6/28/2018 15:37 PM

Hi all.

I have a q which I don't seem to be getting any answers to from my WS, and wondered if anyone else with more understanding of themselves could answer.

If you ghosted your AP, what were the reasons for that, instead of even only a text to end it?


Thanks for any insight.

MidnightRun posted 6/28/2018 20:14 PM

T/J

Follow the River said:

"He knew that there was abuse in my childhood but not to what extent."

My ex wife, too, failed to divulge completely the extent of her FOO issues. Sad, because I could have assisted her with ic before the affair.

hikingout posted 6/28/2018 21:30 PM

Lazarus,

I would say that remorse wasnít an on button, a switch. It was something that flickered like a small fragile flame and then kind of grew slowly. I canít give you exact dates or times or a moment that changed. If you see progress and that continues it is a good sign. At six months I was far more guilty than anything else. Maybe getting to the flicker stage. At month 8 I was more remorseful and spending more time in his mental space bout it than wallowing in my own feelings, by month ten when we hit the divorce request I was more fully engaged (prior to the request). It was a gradient. Probably like most growth.

I think itís important for you to know that it wonít bring you immediate relief from the pain you are in. I saw no big change in my husband, but I am beginning to see some change now and we are almost to the year. Hope it gets better.

JustDone posted 6/28/2018 21:56 PM

That makes total sense on going back, but the motivation of why I think is unknown. Could it be cause even though she relived past trauma's that she could control this time versus in her youth?

Yes, control could certainly be a part of it, control can be very important to those of us who've suffered trauma. Have you asked her about that?

Was it an escape from life due to problems in our marriage, death of BFF and grandfather. A combination of factors?

I do believe some people think they have A's due to problems in their marriages, but it boils down to problems within themselves and how they handle them. Perhaps the deaths she experienced added to the trauma she was already carrying?

FoenixRising posted 6/28/2018 23:21 PM

hickoryapple- I wasn't ghosted but I got very little answered. At the time I thought it wasn't real, he just needed time. still wayward thinking.

he ghosted me bc he didn't want to explain anything else to his W. He got caught and whatever he said he felt prior, broke. He hasn't been honest about it or his own healing. He'd love to rug sweep and just hope to never see me again. While this soul crushing when the fog was still there, i feel nothing about it now. Ok that is a lie. I am now angry at myself and think he is icky. I never want to see him again. I think he just felt all that first and was like bye felicia.

MidnightRun posted 6/29/2018 10:16 AM

Has your bs had difficulty kissing you, though other forms of affection may be prevalent?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy