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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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journey posted 6/24/2018 15:21 PM

Do you guys remember any lines you were fed by AP during the affair, things like "I sleep in a different room", " sex is not good" that made you feel "special and unique" or simply any lines in general?

Yea, I remember some.. "she doesn't touch me", she hasn't kissed me in 10 years", "she yells all the time" and "sometimes" sleep in a different room.

journey posted 6/24/2018 15:29 PM

After d day, has your spouse ever asked, point blank, "Who are you?"

No, not directly. I did though every day, it was the first thought when I got out of bed. Still is I ask myself at least once a day. And most days, I still struggle to respond.

WilliamM posted 6/24/2018 15:59 PM

What moment made you realize you moved from regret to remorse? Or did it sneak up on you? What moment made you realize that reconciliation was a real possibility?

Darkness Falls posted 6/24/2018 16:14 PM

I believe I moved to remorse very quickly, because of how I felt upon seeing my husbandís pain. I had spent the duration of the affair knowing my husband would be very angry and his pride would be damagedóI never considered how hurt and devastated heíd actually beóthat killed me to see and I immediately knew Iíd do whatever it took to make it right.

I felt reconciliation might be possible almost two years later when he said he made a mistake divorcing me and asked if Iíd be interested in ďtrying again.Ē

MrsWalloped posted 6/25/2018 09:57 AM

What moment made you realize you moved from regret to remorse?
I donít know that I consider myself remorseful. Itís hard to think of my own actions and feelings and judge them like that. Other people said Iím remorseful and my BH has said that, and maybe itís partly true but I also know I have ulterior motives about things. I love my BH. I want my M. Maybe those motives have colored my actions? I think what I can say is that my motivation for doing different things is sometimes selfish but most times itís to help my BH. To help him heal and take away his pain and be there for him as best I can in whatever way I can. I donít know if thatís remorse or not. I donít really think of it in those terms.

What moment made you realize that reconciliation was a real possibility?
When we were intimate again after more than 6 or so months after DDay. I knew it wasnít a satisfy an itch thing because we hadnít for so long. So I though if he was able to be with me again then it really meant something and so maybe we have a chance.

Barregirl posted 6/25/2018 10:11 AM

Like Darkness Falls, I think remorse came pretty quickly. My BH was more hurt than I thought he would be, given the state of our M when the A happened. Seeing his pain was excruciating for me and jolted me back to reality very quickly. I think I realized that R was a possibility not too long after DDay. My BH and I were able to talk openly and honestly for the first time in years. I knew my whys from the start and started IC close to immediately.

WilliamM posted 6/25/2018 17:14 PM

How did you think your husband viewed your marriage, pre, during, and post affair? I also asks the same question to you. Did your views match pre, during, and post? If not, did it surprise you? Why?

Greyson posted 6/25/2018 17:19 PM

Perhaps someone could help me here.

My wife had three affairs all with much older men. Really they were her father's age or within a couple of years. I have heard the adage that ďthey always affair down.Ē I have found articles about men finding young women to have an affair from the manís point of view, but I havenít found articles to explain why women would look for a man who is very much older from the womanís point of view. I earn a considerable income, have stayed thin and athletic, and have provided well for my wife and children. I donít want to get anyone mad, but these men were wrinkled, gray haired, and chubby. Two made less than I do, and one may have made more but he was even heavier.

I just canít see how my wife could be attracted to these men. Is there some disorder thatís called a father fetish to choose someone her fatherís age to have an affair? I hope someone can point me in the right direction. Counseling did help her, but that is finished and I never got an explanation of this age thing. Thank you.

Lazarus posted 6/25/2018 18:11 PM

My question was almost just asked, I was wondering (for remorseful WSs) how long before you felt genuine remorse?

(perhaps mention what told you, or what you considered to be the sign of genuine remorse)

Barregirl posted 6/25/2018 18:24 PM

Lazarus- I think for me genuine remorse was when I cared more about my H's pain than my own guilt and shame. When those feelings started to take a backseat to wanting to do any and everything to take away his pain. I don't want to say that I don't still feel guilt and shame, I do, it is just that helping my H heal is so much more important to me now.

Darkness Falls posted 6/25/2018 21:28 PM

How did you think your husband viewed your marriage, pre, during, and post affair?

Pre: decent, but not as good as I thought it was.

During: he felt neglected and ignored--looking back, I now see that he suspected I was cheating even though he never accused me, based on how much time I was spending on the phone.

Post: there was no post-affair period; we divorced immediately--I moved out within 2 weeks of D-day and the divorce was finalized within 2 months.

I also asks the same question to you. Did your views match pre, during, and post? If not, did it surprise you? Why?

Pre: I thought it was a better, closer, happier marriage than he did.

During: I didn't give a fuck about the marriage.

Post: see above; there was no post-affair period.

Our views did not match pre-A. Pre-A I actually thought we had a good marriage. We spent all our joint free time together, either alone or with friends. We had a good sex life. He remembers things very differently, specifically sex. He claims we didn't have much at all. He is wrong. It was almost every day. I don't know whether he's lying or honestly doesn't remember, but he is wrong.

FoenixRising posted 6/25/2018 21:45 PM

Hey estirpe-
My AP told me all kinds of things. He was rarely intimate w his wife. She was extremely sloppy. Lazy. Didnít keep house and was home all day. It wasnít like a bitch fest. In hindsight it was I guess. But at the time it was like hey what are ya doing? And the answer was laundry or dishes or straightening up the house. He also tho, told me he had never felt for anyone the way he did me and that he wanted us to be together and never get married (it was a joke bc I was saying Iíll never marry again, which I hold to still if we donít reconcile) but that weíd live happily ever after. All kinds of BS that mindblew me to find out was fake. For me, I just wanted to be loved so bad. To feel loved. But honestly, we didnít talk about our spouses very much. Weíre all friends tho (I know, I know some friends). But maybe thatís why. Subconsciously it made what felt right that more wrong.

FoenixRising posted 6/25/2018 21:55 PM

Finding genuine remorse was difficult for me. In some ways I felt entitled to have an A on my H bc I was neglected and gave up on us. I honestly donít remember when it hit for me but I knew it did bc the idea of seeing AP made me sick. And as for my feelings to APs wife I felt instant remorse once I realized it was all fake and not real. I thought when it was happening that it was force stronger than us and that the universe was why we were brought together. (I now understand how pathetic that is). Once I realized I was nothing more than side dish and was believed all the lies, I was so disgusted with the depths of the betrayal I committed toward her. She was my friend. She never did anything but treat me with kindness and love my family and I tried to steal hers. Whennthe reality set in, I saw. It took longer w my BS bc I did/do have some feelings of resentment that I needed (still need) to work on.

Estirpe posted 6/26/2018 06:31 AM

During that time, did you for a single moment think there was a slight chance your affair may be discovered?

Assuming you felt bad and guilty after first kiss or first sexual encounter, Why did the initial guilt didn't stop you?

Darkness Falls posted 6/26/2018 07:04 AM


Yes, I was pretty sure I would absolutely eventually get discovered and that he would divorce me.

I did not feel much guilt at the time so that didnít stop me. I was only focused on self.

FoenixRising posted 6/26/2018 07:56 AM

In the beginning before EA, no. I did not think anyone would find out. And somehow, some way, I did not feel guilt toward anyone, which is very unusual for me. I feel guilty and worry about things all the time. Silly, trivial things. It was out of character that I didnít worry or feel much about this.

Once the EA started and I tried to end it bc the guilt dude entualky catch up to me, the good feelings that accompanied the EA eased the guilt bc I thought it was true love, never felt that way, blah blah blah. But at one point I most certainly remember saying to AP, this will end one of two ways. You and I will live happily ever after, til we arenít. Or you will go on to fix your M making it stronger and better than it ever was with all our friends, and Iíll fade into the sunset. (I had already asked for a D from my H and was sure it was over. But here we are trying save our M too.)

FoenixRising posted 6/26/2018 07:59 AM

Journey, I donít remember BS asking me Ďwho are you specifically?í But I do remember crying at my lowest point saying I have no idea who I am. Iíve sacrificed all my morals and hate who this person inside me is. I was unrecognizable to myself.

hikingout posted 6/26/2018 08:31 AM

What moment made you realize you moved from regret to remorse? Or did it sneak up on you? What moment made you realize that reconciliation was a real possibility?

Looking back it has all been gradient. From what I believed to be no guilt (denial), to some guilt, to overwhelming guilt and shame, to coming to terms with this being my life now and having to rise to the occasion, to deepening empathy, to digging in, to really feeling as much of what my husband is going through as is possible, to understanding that I need not only rise to the occasion, I must really become the person I can love and that he is proud to love too. The longer it's gone forward, the more empathy, humility, soul searching, dissecting all my thoughts and actions, it's just gotten deeper and deeper. None of it was a light switch or waking up different. I am still growing tremendously, and I see that has helped my husband plant some seeds and tend to them as well.

I think when I really felt R was possible was when he decided that he could divorce me, that I was going to make it as good of an experience for him as I could, but that he didn't want that after all. I think that clicked a switch and things have become so much more cooperative and I see us working together now and not separately. Still not all sunshine and rainbows by far, but we are not facing away from each other.

hikingout posted 6/26/2018 08:37 AM


I am not sure how to answer your question other than, the main difference between guilt and remorse is empathy.

Guilt is a selfish thing you can swim in. It's still making things about you, how bad you feel.

Remorse is when you can see the damage you caused the other person and you can understand their feelings about it. Remorse leads to actions that are constructive, demonstrative - owning the responsibility but moving forward with purpose and in many ways trying to make changes and amends.

I think that you know you are there when you aren't making all the "Poor me" thoughts and statements. You are doing things about it. Making changes to yourself, doing things to help your spouse, it's kind of the independent ambition that many of the BS's are actually looking for.

I don't know if that helps.

hikingout posted 6/26/2018 09:27 AM

How did you think your husband viewed your marriage, pre, during, and post affair? I also asks the same question to you. Did your views match pre, during, and post? If not, did it surprise you? Why?

My husband thought we had a good marriage pre-A - better than most actually. During the A - I became more and more distant, so he was concerned but didn't think it was anything we couldn't work out. He knew we'd been on autopilot for a while and under a lot of stress for the 12-18 months prior, he thought I was having some sort of break-down/ burn-out. Post-Affair - This continues to get better, but I know every one here knows how this all goes. For a long time he was in shock, and without a foundation of trust it's precarious, but he feels we have a shot to have something as good or even better than we once did, we are building.

I think we match in our feelings. I coped horribly of course, but there was a lot of good and still is a lot of good between us. Some things have gotten deeper as we've been more vulnerable with each other.

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