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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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earlydetour posted 6/9/2018 10:31 AM

Lucky Thank you for your honest feedback of your thoughts at the time.

Workwife posted 6/13/2018 05:57 AM

Question for whom it may concern: when you were confronted during the A by your spouse asking if there was someone else and you said: NO. How did you feel after lying to your spouse? Did you tell the AP about it? Did it affect the A in some way?

WilliamM posted 6/13/2018 12:55 PM

How do you and your BS react toward others since post affair? How is your relationship with family? Friends? Acquaintances? Is there any hostility toward others of the opposite sex that are not family?

hikingout posted 6/13/2018 15:39 PM

WilliamM - No not at all. I didn't have any close male friends. The only males that are around are usually boyfriends or spouses of girlfriends, and I never interact with them much. Usually it's the guys are chatting while the girls are all catching up.

Barregirl posted 6/13/2018 16:25 PM

WilliamM - there has been no change in our relationships outside of the M. Some of our friends and family know, and some we have chosen not to inform. I have several close friendships (years old) with men that my H has been aware of since we met and I still maintain. And for my business meetings (I am in sales and frequently meet one-on-one with men), I let my H know ahead of time about any meetings and typically give him a call either on my way there or leaving. We really haven't had any issues regarding this.

Estirpe posted 6/13/2018 16:25 PM

Thank you for taking the time to answer all our questions, believe it or not we appreciate it and it helps me on my quest to find a logical reason to my wife's cheating.
I have a bunch of them, here is the first one:
How is it possible that before you get caught you told your BS "I'm not attracted to you" "ilybnilwy" and all of the sudden a couple of weeks after Dday you feel attracted and love the BS.

[This message edited by Estirpe at 5:48 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]

Estirpe posted 6/13/2018 16:33 PM

How is it possible that during your affair your Bs tells you to stop because he is suspecting something but you kept going because you thought you never gonna get caught and still don't feel any guilt for what you are doing against the husband and children?

[This message edited by Estirpe at 5:37 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]

Estirpe posted 6/13/2018 16:46 PM

If roles were reversed and the shoes were on your feet, would you believe all those things you tell the Bs after being caught?
Let's say I'm your Ws and I start telling you, I love you, I'm attracted to you, I want my family together, you are the love of my life, etc. Wouldn't you feel like a second choice after seeing I have trespassed both barriers, the emotional one that affect most women by exchanging I love you's, I miss you, thinking of you, and the one that affect most men, the physical, the sex.

WilliamM posted 6/15/2018 21:07 PM

This question is about simple semantic. Why do most WWs say my AP? Instead of the AP or whatever?

Barregirl posted 6/16/2018 00:25 AM

WilliamM- I guess I never really thought about it. Posting here I try to say the AP as opposed to my AP. But saying my AP is a way to own it. Like saying, "this is my fuck-up and I admit it." It really depends on perspective. Some people want to take ownership of their fuckup and others want to use language that separates them from the person that helped destroy their M. This might be one of those things that the WS should defer to the BS and ask which they prefer to hear. Sorry if this answer seems convoluted.

Darkness Falls posted 6/16/2018 06:01 AM

WilliamM,

I usually randomly alternate between the two, I guess. In my case it’s because I don’t parse every word I use and feel the need to examine their every possible interpretation or worry about someone getting the impression that there is a hidden meaning. Plus, grammatically, “my AP” is no less correct than “my husband” or “my job” or “my car.”

Barregirl posted 6/16/2018 09:31 AM

DarknessFalls, that is why I should go to sleep before 1am. Being tired makes me overthink, lol.

Icewraithonyx posted 6/16/2018 14:10 PM

BS here.

What books / articles / resources did you find most helpful? WW complains that she feels that I don't like any resources that don't address the WHY of the affair and just talk about how bad the Wayward is for cheating.

Anyone else feel this way and what resources did you find that helped?

(FYI, I have recommended How to Help Your Spouse and even this board and those don't seem to be a good fit for her. Hmm, a mystery.)

Lucky77 posted 6/16/2018 14:16 PM

Personally I found all the content published by Dear Peggy to be super helpful.

MidnightRun posted 6/17/2018 19:54 PM

When major disagreements arise, do you differ to your bs largely because of guilt stemming from the affair? Does your bs discount your views or opinions?

Darkness Falls posted 6/17/2018 20:46 PM

When major disagreements arise, do you differ to your bs largely because of guilt stemming from the affair?

I’m pretty sure you mean defer—no I don’t.

Does your bs discount your views or opinions?

No.

FoenixRising posted 6/17/2018 20:50 PM

Midnightrun- It depends on the issue. Usually no. Part of what got me in this was to defer. Now, I'm really practicing "say what I mean, mean what I say." But I am not engaging in argument. I'll stand up for myself, say my bit, then be done with it. My BS has always discounted my views and opinions. He's actually really trying to be more open and understanding. It doesn't always work but he's trying and I give him some leeway when he doesn't bc 1- I'm trying to communicate better 2- also maybe (unintentionally) bc of affair guilt.

Barregirl posted 6/17/2018 21:31 PM

MidnightRun, no I do not defer to my BH because of the A. That has never been in my nature. He doesn't discount my opinions either. We discuss things together (although there have certainly been bouts of yelling and walking away to cool off), and try to listen to each other. We both want a healthy M, where compromise and collaboration are benchmarks.

MidnightRun posted 6/18/2018 06:24 AM

Darkness,

My bad. I did mean defer, not differ.

hikingout posted 6/18/2018 09:55 AM

I have a bunch of them, here is the first one:
How is it possible that before you get caught you told your BS "I'm not attracted to you" "ilybnilwy" and all of the sudden a couple of weeks after Dday you feel attracted and love the BS.

This was not my experience. After DDAY things were in limbo on both sides. But, we both knew that we were very emotional and didn't want to make any decisions right at that moment in time. He took a watch and wait approach, and I decided that if there was anything salvageable I would also give it the time it deserved.

How is it possible that during your affair your Bs tells you to stop because he is suspecting something but you kept going because you thought you never gonna get caught and still don't feel any guilt for what you are doing against the husband and children?

Well, my Husband didn't suspect. I confessed a short time after the A ended.

There is something that will take you and even your wife some time to grasp - and that is that cognitive dissonance will strengthen lying to oneself to keep getting what they want.

When I was in the A, in a very short time I had re-written my marriage, glamorized the AP, told myself things that are ridiculous:
"This will make my marriage better because I will get my groove back" (Yeah, I mean WTF???), "He will never know it will never hurt him", "I deserve this I have worked so hard for everyone else I never do something for myself" - all of this sounds preposterous to me now, but at the time these sorts of thoughts just kept building. It was because I wanted to keep feeling the way I was feeling and I didn't want to stop even though I knew it was wrong. It's a form of self-brainwashing.

It took me some time to get to guilt, and even more time to ever get to remorse. It's hard to understand, I know. And, I think the timetable for people can be different.


If roles were reversed and the shoes were on your feet, would you believe all those things you tell the Bs after being caught?
Let's say I'm your Ws and I start telling you, I love you, I'm attracted to you, I want my family together, you are the love of my life, etc. Wouldn't you feel like a second choice after seeing I have trespassed both barriers, the emotional one that affect most women by exchanging I love you's, I miss you, thinking of you, and the one that affect most men, the physical, the sex.

This is harder to answer now that I understand infidelity. I would recognize wayward thinking and where it all comes from. I am not saying there wouldn't be great pain, and that I would not feel every bit as betrayed as my H does. But, I would know thought processes better than I would have before.

That being said, if I didn't know these things and I hadn't done the things I have done, I would say no I wouldn't. Your trust has been broken into thousands of pieces. You can't trust right now, it's impossible and also probably practical. It's the waywards responsibility to rebuild that and everything else with you. This is going to take a lot of time.

In our situation, we both decided that we'd give it that time and see what happened. I became 100% honest immediately so that I could be building trust from the get go. Transparent in my dealings and coming and going. That was the first step. You don't have to see all the steps in the staircase, just take the first one.

I think it's important for you to decide what you want. But by that I mean, you need to decide if you want to give it time or not. Noone should put pressure on themselves to decide whether they want to try and reconcile or divorce right away. You guys are in recovery mode. At some point if she has been honest and forthcoming, you may decide whether you want to go to the next phase and the next. My H gives me a gift every day in staying and watching and waiting. That is not a gift he has been obligated or is still obligated to do.

I can tell you that it's possible for things to gradually get better. But, it will take a lot of time, patience and effort. Your effort should be 100 percent on your own healing. Your wife's should be on her healing and helping you. I can also tell you that I have always loved my husband, I forgot to appreciate him. I love and appreciate him today more than I have in a long time and maybe ever. That's 100% the truth, but a year later, he is just now starting to believe it. I can also tell you that I can 100% guarantee I will never do anything like that again. Ever. I would talk to him, divorce him, whatever else, but never will I do this to anyone ever again. You can believe me on that or not, but I have no reason to lie to a stranger on the internet.

I think all this was to say - there is hope. But, right now things are too raw to know which end is up. Be patient with yourself and if you think you want to continue the marriage then just watch and wait. You don't have to take any other step yourself at this point. She, however, needs to go to IC and do all sorts of work to understand how and why she could do this in the first place and how she is going to fix those voids within her self. This is also going to take some time. I am sorry you are going through this.

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