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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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remorseandgrief posted 5/14/2018 17:13 PM

I had a 1 year, plus a week or two, A with a high school friend. We emailed and saw each other at a high school reunion and kissed good-bye. So, EA turned PA. During that entire time I did not consider it to be an affair. I did not know about EA's. I wish I had. I thought of affairs as entailing sex. I strongly condemned sexual affairs. I sought adulation, ego-kibbles. I wanted to feel like I did in high school. I reverted to the flirty, ditzy teen I was then. I deceived myself that we were just friends. It was long distance and felt safe. As far as I know, AP never considered leaving his wife.

I knew it was secretive and deceptive and did not want my husband to know about it. I now realize the seriousness of what I did, how emotionally involved I was, how I shut out my husband and what an egregious betrayal it was.

I am also a person who found it extremely hard to handle conflict, to speak up, to confront issues, to address strong negative feelings. None of these existed in the A. I tend to run away, escape, hide, shut down. I then compartmentalized, living a daily life with my husband and a secret life with AP. I was greedy and self-centered and selfish. I now realize I wanted both a stable husband and adulation from another man.

I never considered leaving my husband.

amanda123 posted 5/14/2018 18:11 PM

Hi Everyone my question.

Did you ever get mean or nasty to your BS? If so, when during the A and why?

EvolvingSoul posted 5/14/2018 20:06 PM

amanda123,

There was a very definite change in the way I viewed my BS. I don't know if it came across as mean or nasty but I'm sure it was negative, however you would describe it.

Humans usually are wired such that taking an action that hurts and harms another person makes them feel bad. And the closer that person is to them, the worse it makes them feel. As such, to take an action like having an affair you have to subvert that wiring and distorting thinking about the person being harmed, what we believe to be true about them, is definitely part of that subversion.

Looking back at it now I can see that I absolutely amplified everything positive I could about AP and minimized or ignored anything negative. It was like looking at AP's positive traits through a telescope and his negative traits by turning that telescope around so that they appeared smaller.

BS got the exact opposite treatment. I turned that telescope to the magnifying side when I considered his negative traits and the shrinking side to what was positive. I convinced myself of a lot of things that weren't true this way and responded to those things as if they were true. That's how I was able to ignore his obvious unhappiness with my behaviors, by believing that he just was trying to control me, that he wasn't fun, that we had very little in common, etc. etc. By treating him that way, I'm sure he experienced my treatment of him as mean. I feel sad to think of it now, how much I just didn't see him clearly but I also know that if I had I would not have been able to go on doing what I wanted to do.

That kind of thinking went on pretty much for the whole affair and even for a good while after D-day until I had made some progress rewiring my brain.

Sorry you're dealing with all this.

Best to you from an EvolvingSoul.

amanda123 posted 5/14/2018 21:42 PM

EvolvingSoul, Thankyou for your response. To me it sounds as though yours was done unconsciously if you were being mean or nasty at all. You didnt go out of your way to make derogatory comments or statements to your BS. To give you an example, my H would deliberately start a fight over nothing, he would tell me im losing it because I couldnt remember an exact price of something that I bought over 2 years ago, would deliberately correct me infront of people. All of this and more happened during his LTA and I couldnt work out why he was acting this way.

EvolvingSoul posted 5/14/2018 22:29 PM

amanda123,

It was not to that degree, no, but I think it is the same kind of thinking process at work.

Another possibility is that he was gaslighting you about non-affair related things to make it easier to gaslight you on things that were related to his cheating. Generally making you doubt your own perception. Do you think he did that to you?

He also could have been attacking you to push you into being upset with him so he could justify his choices by telling himself you're unreasonable and obviously don't care about him and don't treat him well so it's okay for him to cheat.

The mental gymnastics involved are really astounding, I assure you.

hikingout posted 5/15/2018 08:31 AM

No, but I got distant and weird. And, that weirdness continued for a long time after the A.

lostinoklahoma posted 5/15/2018 09:15 AM

My question is, while in the affair did did you make up bad stuff about your spouse to tell your AP. My WW made up a lot of bad stuff about me to try to get sympathy. She told this not only to AP but also to friends of hers (they are no longer her friends).

hikingout posted 5/15/2018 13:46 PM

No, I didn't make up anything bad about my husband. I didn't talk about my husband that much at all, actually. There were some references to places we were going, and one conversation where AP asked what was wrong with my marriage or situation that I wanted to have an affair. I told him honestly - there was nothing wrong that I just wanted to do something fun for me. That should have been a huge red-flag to me. But, no I didn't throw husband under the bus much less make things up about him. I do think sometimes people feel like they have to in order to look better for the AP. I just didn't experience that.

LostinAtl66 posted 5/15/2018 13:58 PM

This might have been asked already, but how long did it take to get out of the affair fog?
And how long did it take for the your BS to accept what happened?

A to Q1: It took about half the time I was in the actual affair (3 months).

A to Q2: My BS is still suffering and has triggers all the time. It is truly heartbreaking to see her in this condition and I only have myself to blame. Our DDay was two years ago. It takes a along time. She has accepted the fact that I was a complete selfish prick and strayed but it doesn't make her feel any better. We are reconciling, and dialogue about it frequently which does seem to have a positive affect.

hikingout posted 5/15/2018 14:18 PM

Waywards,
For those of you in LTA (over a year) or were "in love" with your AP, why did you stay with your spouse? What were the reasons you didn't leave to be with your AP? Those having an A with another married person, were you waiting for them to leave their BS?

Not longterm, a couple of months. Neither of us discussed leaving our spouses, but both said we were in love.

When his wife found out, I knew it was over as did he. It didn't make it less hard but there wasn't a lot of confusion as to what was going to happen.

Had it gone on longer maybe it would have been more complicated, I have no idea. But, I don't believe even so that I would have left my H, or vice versa. It's the difference between a house built on rock or sand.

lostinoklahoma posted 5/15/2018 15:10 PM

@hikingout
Thank you for your response.

amanda123 posted 5/15/2018 16:26 PM

EvolvingSoul

Another possibility is that he was gaslighting you about non-affair related things to make it easier to gaslight you on things that were related to his cheating. Generally making you doubt your own perception. Do you think he did that to you?

Yes most definitely. I actually started doubting everything. I was in a real tail spin. I started to lose my self confidence, then things got worse when I became really ill after I found out about the A. He literally stopped communicating with me. He would answer a direct question with a yes or no but did not elaborate unless he absolutely had to. There were days that there was no communication at all and that was extremely difficult. One Sunday morning we got into an argument not heated but the tension was there our 5 year old was in and out of the room and it was so easy for her to see the way he spoke to me, she said daddy doesnt love mummy. He was being more than mean. The deliberate lack of communication on his part was to the point where i felt it was mental abuse.

He also could have been attacking you to push you into being upset with him so he could justify his choices by telling himself you're unreasonable and obviously don't care about him and don't treat him well so it's okay for him to cheat.

Yes again and most likely now I feel to distance himself and to make it easier for him to leave.

hikingout To be honest the whole thing was weird. As EvolvingSoul said about the mental gymnasatics, it did my head in for sure.

Thank you both for your responses I appreciate it.

Trying2copeinMD posted 5/15/2018 17:39 PM

Hi everyone!

Thank you for answering these questions that we have. I know that some of it might not be easy to answer, so I do appreciate the effort.

Now, for my question... When you were in the affair, were there talks about the future at all? What was the "end game", as far as what you wanted in the relationship?

I've asked my WW this before, and she can never really give me an answer. Were there talks about leaving your BS for your affair partner?

Thanks!

EvolvingSoul posted 5/15/2018 20:26 PM

Hi there Trying2copeinMD

Now, for my question... When you were in the affair, were there talks about the future at all? What was the "end game", as far as what you wanted in the relationship?
Most of my energy went into trying to maintain the status quo. I was a cake eater extraordinaire. I didn't want to give up my stable, loyal, wholesome husband and I didn't want to give up my self-indulgent, self-destructive relationship with AP. AP was fine with it. I'm pretty sure he knew he didn't have what it takes to deal with a real relationship (he was single and a lot younger than me) and didn't think I would ever leave BS for him anyway even if he did. When I thought about a future beyond the affair it wasn't so much that I thought about a future of AP or BS it was more that I fantasized that somehow I could come clean to BS and he would be okay with sharing me. (That turned out to be exceptionally delusional thinking.)

Only when BS forced the issue that I was going to have to choose did I ever think about leaving BS for AP and envisioned a future with AP. I spent maybe 5 months after D-day on the fence. I was NC with AP but not committed to BS and the marriage. Then one day I had one of those message from the universe moments and I realized that it wasn't a choice between BS and AP, and it never was. The real choice was between mental health and not-mental-health. AP was never going to be mentally healthy choice for me. With BS I had a chance at real happiness. Not a guarantee, but a chance.

I wish I could say I was thinking of anyone's happiness but mine at that point but the truth is I wasn't. It would be many months later that I would even begin to find empathy for my BS and remorse for what I had done to him.

Sorry you're dealing with all of this.

Wishing you safety, health, happiness and peace from an EvolvingSoul.

journey posted 5/15/2018 21:34 PM

Did you ever get mean or nasty to your BS? If so, when during the A and why?

I was not mean or nasty to my BH. I had been slowly shutting him out emotionally but once the A started, I completely shut him out. I stopped communicating and took everything he said to me and twisted it so I could condone my actions and justify my resentment.

journey posted 5/15/2018 21:44 PM

while in the affair did did you make up bad stuff about your spouse to tell your AP

I first twisted things in my head, like that my BH was controlling or trying to control my life. And yes, I then shared that with AP. I feel like everything I twisted in my mind about my BH was made up.

MidnightRun posted 5/16/2018 05:07 AM

Were you a gonner before or after the first kiss from affair partner?

hikingout posted 5/16/2018 07:51 AM

Were you a gonner before or after the first kiss from affair partner

Midnight run, I have thought a lot about this question since you posted it. And, I wish I had a good answer for you. I don't actually know. I was in way deeper at that point than I understood or expected, but I don't think there was a lot of difference between what I felt before and after the first kiss.

Sex of course is a bonding thing, especially for females. And, admittedly the first time there was kissing it went to sex. So, I think the intimacy part amplified the feelings. I hadn't been with anyone else in decades so there was a lot of vulnerability there that probably falsely created that feeling more.

islesguy posted 5/16/2018 08:28 AM

amanda123,

Did you ever get mean or nasty to your BS? If so, when during the A and why?

I was very withdrawn mostly ignoring my BS. I don't believe I was mean as far as starting fights with her but I was certainly mean in that she was trying to understand what was wrong and I didn't respond to her even when she asked me about my feelings for her.

islesguy posted 5/16/2018 08:36 AM

lostinoklahoma,

My question is, while in the affair did did you make up bad stuff about your spouse to tell your AP.

Yes, I did. I put blame on my BS for things like why or why I wasn't able to do something or go somewhere. My BS has also told me that she heard other things from AP that I said that I don't remember. But, I will definitely say that my motive was to gain sympathy and attention.

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