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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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hikingout posted 5/29/2018 11:59 AM

I don't know the answer to that question at all. But, you will need to decide that. I am sorry, it does not seem like he's different or done the work if he's still lying, not taking your feelings into consideration, and texting with someone in a way he should not be, even if it's starting innocently enough. If I were texting with a man at this point, any man, about anything...my H would not have it. And, the difference is I wouldn't have it either.

lostinoklahoma posted 5/29/2018 13:01 PM

I see a lot of questions and talk about having a RA on here. My WW told me right after DDay that if I felt like I needed to go screw someone else then go ahead and do it. This is not something I ever considered doing. However it does bring to mind a question.
If immediately following Dday your BS had sex with someone else, would you have felt on some level that you deserved it?
My WW made the statement that she would deserve it if I did.

Darkness Falls posted 5/29/2018 13:10 PM

If immediately following Dday your BS had sex with someone else, would you have felt on some level that you deserved it?

That is exactly what my BS did, ostensibly under the cover of “we were separated” and heading towards D. No, I didn’t think I deserved it, because it wasn’t about me—it was about his own maladaptive coping mechanism and immature attempt to validate himself by screwing the sloppy, nearest-available wet hole that was my so-called “best friend.” I didn’t begrudge him having sex with someone else; the *only* reason I took it even a little bit personally was because of who it was. In the end it just made them both look pathetic.

hikingout posted 5/29/2018 13:25 PM

I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on. My H didn't deserve it. Two wrongs don't make a right.

xhz700 posted 5/29/2018 14:55 PM

DF, I appreciate your honesty and directness, but there is something in your posts that I can best describe as tone-deafness maybe?

ostensibly under the cover of “we were separated” and heading towards D

I mean, by quoting that, you come across as so dismissive. Can't you understand how a BS might sincerely feel that a relationship as it was is over? Also, the idea of referring to your ex BFF as a whore, after having an affair yourself... really? You do know the word that most people would use referring to a woman that had an affair, right? I'm really not trying to be an asshole here, but the reason you have rocks to throw is because you were in a quarry.

Tacking on to the above argument (for everyone that answered about RAs), I an not advocating RAs by any means, mostly because I think all they do is add pain to pain, and they don't really help. That said, the timing of your moral stance(s) on what is right and wrong certainly comes across as self-serving, don't you think?

As a BS, it's really laughable. It's like my XWW burned down the house, and I came and dumped gas on the rubble and lit that, and you're saying that they are the same thing.

I am sorry, but the marriage was worth less (if not nothing) the moment that your affair started.

Darkness Falls posted 5/29/2018 15:04 PM

xhz,

I put “we were separated” in quotes because that’s the phrase everyone who justified his behavior used to justify it. As many people here on SI say about committing adultery, it’s either wrong or it isn’t.

“Skank” is probably a better word for my former friend, because whores get paid and to my knowledge she never did.
But....who really knows??

Not only did she eff my STBX while at the same time telling me she was still my friend and there for me, she ended up cheating on HIM with a MM. Guess she just couldn’t stay away from married men once she got in the habit.

I’m well aware of what my behavior was. Unlike Skank, though, I have never once justified, excused, or defended it.

LivingWithPain posted 5/29/2018 15:06 PM

Question for WSs. I'm about 2 years + from DDay and over the past year I have been working out daily. I lost roughly 120 pounds and gained about 20 back in muscle. My waist size went down from 46 to 36. For the first time in my life I have what is approaching a six pack.

My fWW are in R and sometimes we struggle due to my emotional flatness towards her. One of the reasons I wanted to lose weight and get in good shape was so that I would be more sexually attractive to my wife and hopefully better in bed physically. While the sex is good, my fWW hit me with a new issue last night: she's convinced that I'm making these physical changes because I want to attract women and leave her once a prettier, better woman comes along.

It seems like she replaces one insecurity after another. Did any of you WSs have BSs who made drastic changes in their lives, and then fear that they were doing it in order to leave you for someone they thought was better?

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 3:07 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)]

xhz700 posted 5/29/2018 15:22 PM

@DF,

I don't think that wrong is a BOOLEAN. There are many colors and shades of wrong behavior. Did it ever occur to you that the reason that you didn't take your BHs actions personally was because you had already destroyed your marriage through your actions? Don't you think that you'd color your actions a little darker black?

Also, referring to your BHs actions after being cheated on as pathetic... I'm not sure what to say about that. I am sure that someone could have said the same about my copious tears, or inability to lift myself out of bed and get in to work, or make myself something to eat, or desperately try to find something inside of me other than crippling pain. I doubt that I would refer to my inability to cope with the idea that my life was shattered as maladaptive.

Barregirl posted 5/29/2018 15:49 PM

Livingwithpain, my BH has been stradily improving his health and wellness. We are actually doing this together. We eat healthy, go to the gym (or me to barre) and take private yoga classes together. We both look and feel so much better than we did. I do not feel insecure at all by my BH making improvements to himself and fervently hope he has none with regards to my improvements. We are on this journey together. You could ask your WW to join you on your better health journey. Congrats on your health successes, btw.

Darkness Falls posted 5/29/2018 15:55 PM

xhz,

I don’t know what a boolean is.

I absolutely DO NOT think you or any other BS on this site or IRL is pathetic. I know my husband better than I know anyone else in the world, is why I can objectively look at his behavior and see it for what it was. He was thinking that easy, free sex would be a salve to his pride. (He has admitted as such so I’m not putting words into his mouth.) Yet, when a WS has easy, free sex for [insert XYZ reason here], we (collective “we”) frequently use a lot worse words than “pathetic” to describe it.

He looks back on his interaction with “M” and shudders—literally, physically shudders.

I do agree that I wouldn’t look badly on him having sex itself as if with a different person other than “M” in part because of what I did. I absolutely know that I started it and he wouldn’t have done it had I not cheated. Lots of people IRL implied that he must have already been doing it (because of how soon it started and who it was). I don’t believe for a minute that he was already doing it.

Evertrying posted 5/29/2018 18:02 PM

Waywards,
I am hoping one of you can help me understand why many of you don't leave your spouses for your AP. If you think you are in love with them and you are unhappy in your marriage, why did you stay?
If the A was a LTA and there are either no kids or older kids that no longer live at home, is there a reason to remain in the marriage?
If it were me and I was so in love with an AP, I would do everything in my power to get out of my marriage. I am just trying to wrap my head around this.

ArtPatchedHeart81 posted 5/29/2018 18:35 PM

EverTrying-

He (AP) said/ says she (wife) would take everything and daughters would hate him

Darkness Falls posted 5/29/2018 19:05 PM

Evertrying,

That was the plan but I didn’t have the guts at first. We didn’t have kids and we’d only been married 2 years.

hikingout posted 5/29/2018 19:09 PM

Evertrying - I once listed out the reasons in another post and a bs astutely noticed that my reasons for staying are similiar to what a bs would say.

I did think I loved the AP and he said the same (though now I understand I did not), and no kids at home, and no financial constraints. It was not an LTA though so I don’t meet all your criteria.

At first, my reason was to be still and just wait and see. There was no rush for me to leave and I would say though we had probably a better marriage than most, I had accentuated the negative in my mind during the A. Still I didn’t want to be rash and if he was willing to work through it with me then I needed to know if that was possible before I walked away from decades with this man.

Then it became many other reasons, some were practical, we do have grown children together and they would have to navigate that, another companion would be risky when I knew my H. So those were early things. And I imagine that some of that is what a bs considers.

As we have communicated, spent a lot of time together, and worked on ourselves and our marriage, I can honestly say there is nowhere else I want to be or anyone else I want to be with. I am more in love with him than ever and thankful he has stayed and that I have the possibility of spending the rest of my life with him. I am content, and I realize that I didn’t value him enough, I didn’t try hard enough, and that my behaviors were disgusting and degrading. I do not feel fondly of the AP at all, I wish I never met him.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:11 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)]

MidnightRun posted 5/29/2018 19:31 PM

Hikingout, you may have mulled the idea of leaving your husband for ap, but did your ap ever consider leaving his wife?

Lucky77 posted 5/29/2018 19:38 PM

Hi Evertrying

I was in an LTA
I loved my W
My AP was crazy fun and I was in the fog. Never named it as L.
I had it all compartmentalized. No need to leave W. I had my side chick.

hikingout posted 5/29/2018 20:36 PM

Midnightrun,

When I say I considered leaving it wasn’t for AP. He was already out of picture. (Maybe not out of my head), it was more I felt that the marriage was over because I cheated. I do not know if AP considered, we didn’t really have those discussions. I think the answer is no though.

Bulldawg2010 posted 5/30/2018 01:02 AM

Well I’m not a WS, but my ex wife did leave me for the OM.
In fact, she’s living with him to this day. So it does happen, I’m sure my ex wife has told herself all types of things to make it seem like what she did wasn’t a horrible thing. But it does happen.

And it sucks.

islesguy posted 5/30/2018 08:20 AM

lostinoklahoma,

If immediately following Dday your BS had sex with someone else, would you have felt on some level that you deserved it?

I would not because I never had sex when I cheated. But, if she cheated on me in any other way I would absolutely feel like I deserved it and a lot more as I have betrayed her in many ways.

hikingout posted 5/30/2018 09:56 AM

Living with pain:

It seems like she replaces one insecurity after another. Did any of you WSs have BSs who made drastic changes in their lives, and then fear that they were doing it in order to leave you for someone they thought was better?

I have not experienced this thing exactly, but I relate to it in ways. H has been very interested in keeping healthy and fit over the last few years after finding he had health issues that he doesn't want to take medicine for. So, he controls it by keeping up with his food and exercise.

However, I think when we waywards plant a bomb in the middle of the marriage and as we struggle through R with our BS's, there is some fear/insecurity because we know we messed up so badly that it would be natural if the BS didn't want to stay. So, whether it would be weight loss, or in our situation he made some moves in his business that now excludes me. I don't care about that part of it - he has a right to feel like he's secured his future if we divorce - but there is some insecurity from that and other things he does that puts him in a better position. I don't begrudge any of it, or feel badly about it - I would do the same in his shoes. But, it does make me sometimes feel uneasy like he's making plans and already knows the outcome of our marriage.

With all that said, by telling him that and us talking about it, it relieves any insecurity I may feel as a result of it. And, it sounds like your wife at least brought it up, which is good, communication is good. It allows you to discuss things and understand where the other is coming from. After having explained to her the motivations, does she feel better? I mean, it's a huge compliment that you would do THAT much work to improve your sexual relationship and also that you want to be around for a long time. Insecurities are normal in any relationship and being open and honest with each other is a good thing. So, I would just say - be happy she told you, and hopefully she took what you had to say and felt better.

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