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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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destroyed1 posted 5/26/2018 01:59 AM


Do you really believe that any WS would really be totally 100% okay with their spouse having sex with someone else?


Yes, no doubt about it. My wife looked me right in the eye, crying and told me to go fuck someone else so I could "feel better".

She was 100% serious.

Thank god I didn't do it.

I didn't know at the time my wife had infected me with the HPV virus. So if I had found someone for an RA, I would have given it to them.

I still have a free pass. Not like I can use it though.

amanda123 posted 5/26/2018 05:31 AM

Has any WS wanted their BS out of the way so badly during the A even to the point of wanting something bad to happen to them, then after the A was over wondered what the hell they were thinking?

itsmeagain posted 5/26/2018 14:17 PM

How does a BS establish boundaries without them sounding like ultimatums?

A few things have happened in the last several weeks that have me concerned..and I see "wayward behavior" all over it.
#1 Caught WH in a small lie about stopping at a friend's house on way home from work (friend is also his customer so he lead me to believe he was only stopping to pick up an order...later I saw text message where he asked friend's wife if he needed to stop by and get beer before he came over. When I confronted him about this he tried to lie and say he didn't have intentions of staying for a beer but then when I said I saw text, he admitted it)
#2 Two weeks ago WH had to do work event after hours and it would only take an hour or so. Turns out he decided to go out w/ a co-worker and her husband afterwards for a beer but never called to let me know plans had changed (his reason...he was afraid of how I would respond).
#3 WH's parents were in town last week. My relationship w/ his family has been very strained the last 2.5 years due to his A and how they handled the situation. In fact, I have not seen nor talked to his sister since Dec 15. He meet w/ his parents to go to an event that I didn't go to. Afterwards, he called to see if I minded if they came by the house...but he failed to tell me "they" included his sister and her husband. He knows my feelings yet didn't think it important to at least give me a heads up.

There is also some after work text exchanges with his female assistant that are not all business related. I haven't said anything to him but I have noticed it and keeping my eyes open.

In my opinion all these show that my WH has shit for boundaries and still very wayward in his thinking. And if he doesn't get a handle on it, he will find himself in a pickle. But I also know..this is not my problem to fix. Not my problem to point out. He needs to be a big boy and learn how to deal with this on his own.

I need him to know that I am serious...I have clearly told him I am at the ends of my rope and if things don't improve, I will be done. He sees this as a threat.

So, how do I get the point across that I am serious but at that same time try to work past this? I am a wall builder and all these things just keep putting blocks on my wall and I am having a very hard time trying to deal with this in a way that is productive for R. If I play hardball too hard, he will shut down and give up. I know him.

[This message edited by itsmeagain at 2:25 PM, May 26th (Saturday)]

jinkazama posted 5/27/2018 06:13 AM

Hikingout

I can only tell you despite my dispicacable actions I loved him before and I love him now. I think there is still honesty and truth before and to be had again.

Thats the problem

Everything is same for you(i know almost same)

But for me the problem is

My past good memories are stolen

Whenever i think about it

I cant find any good thing in it

But everything is not the same for the BS

Because you cheated they didn't so
They are changed or different person for you

What you think about about it and how do u help your hubby with it.

Does he think.like that??

MidnightRun posted 5/27/2018 09:34 AM

How did your betrayed spouse feel when he/she was forced to take an std test because of your affair?

destroyed1 posted 5/27/2018 12:15 PM

did you and the AP call each other pet names?

honey, baby, etc

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 12:15 PM, May 27th (Sunday)]

Darkness Falls posted 5/27/2018 12:30 PM

I’m pretty sure he never did take an STD test.

I have taken one after each sexual partner, including the AP, and I took one after he and I got back together—he’d fucked my whore xBFF, after all; who the hell knew what she might have had??

MrsWalloped posted 5/27/2018 16:28 PM

How did your betrayed spouse feel when he/she was forced to take an std test because of your affair?

Humiliated. Angry. Shocked that this was his life now.

WilliamM posted 5/28/2018 08:07 AM

How do you handle your triggers? How does your BS help you...or do you deal with it alone? What are they like compared to a BS triggers? If you wouldn't mind, could you give a small example? But you don't have to if it causes you any anxiety or stress.

islesguy posted 5/28/2018 08:11 AM

MrMagnolia,

For WS I'm curious to know how you felt when you were deceiving your spouse. As in when you lied in order to cover up the affair how did that thought process go? What about when you lied to Questions they asked after D-day?

D-day was when I first realized just how much trouble I was in. Lying after that was all trying to minimize the fall out from my actions and protect myself. I felt nervous and like I was constantly scrambling trying to put out small fires rather than just addressing the huge burning building.

Did you feel like you were getting one over on your spouse and was there a thrill in that?

No, there was no joy or feeling like I was getting away with something when I was lying. It was only about trying to minimize the outcome and get survive that moment. Lying had been my way of dealing with things throughout my entire life and when this started to no longer work, I was in a state of panic and rather than realizing that I was on a downward spiral of my lies I couldn't escape, I doubled down and did disgusting things like swearing on my kids, the bible, etc. Never have I felt so low and despicable but it was like some kind of trip I couldn't get off.

islesguy posted 5/28/2018 08:20 AM

WilliamM,


Have you truly told everything about the affair? Completely and totally? Or only what you can remember because you hated what you have done that you have pushed much of the affair out of your mind? Or until you saw that your spouse was satisfied about the information they had? If you have not completely told the full story, why not?

At this point I can say that I have told my BS everything I can remember. Unfortunately, there are a few huge problems with that. First, my memory in general is not very good so it is difficult to recall things on any subject. Second, I lied so much and have had so many different stories, it does no good for me to tell her this version is the actual truth. Third, my approach was tell her only what I need to to calm the situation for the moment. The combination of only talking about things when I had to, changing stories, and finally admitting to myself what I had done has made the compete full story very messy and full or inconsistencies over time.

islesguy posted 5/28/2018 08:29 AM

WilliamM,

What was the hardest thing to tell your BS? What was the toughest question asked to you? How did you handle both questions? If you asked for, and you gave, sexual details, how did he and you handle those types of questions and answers?

The hardest thing for me to tell my BS was that I had done something physical with another woman. She had spoken to the other woman and I knew it was only a matter of time so I told her and thought the worst was over. But, this was just the tip of the iceberg as I began the long journey into discovering how awful I have been.

The toughest question and still now is "why" because I have go through the tree of why and what led me to be this person, but ultimately the answer of why is that I didn't care and respect my relationship or any relationship to want to protect it and I didn't care about myself enough to have honor and respect for myself.

I handled all questions after d-day by trying to minimize the impact and figure out what she wanted to hear (in my opinion), never doing what she asked directly and what would have been best for her.

I minimized the sexual details just like I minimized everything else.

islesguy posted 5/28/2018 08:32 AM

MidnightRun,

If your bs should ask you why he/ she should be faithful, what would you say?

She should be faithful for herself because even though I do not deserve her loyalty, our marriage no longer exists (except on paper) and she owes me nothing, I believe ultimately it would make her feel bad about herself.

islesguy posted 5/28/2018 08:35 AM

jinkazama

Do you guys talk about old things before affair???

There is risk in discussing anything and everything from the past because it was all based on lies (I cheated very early in our relationship) and can cause triggers so I don't bring things up much anymore and try to only get involved in a discussion about things if she brings something up.

hikingout posted 5/29/2018 08:44 AM

jinkazama:

Because you cheated they didn't so
They are changed or different person for you
What you think about about it and how do u help your hubby with it.
Does he think.like that??

I can hear the heartbreak in your post, I am so very sorry. I do think you are right, it's written all over this site how the old marriage is dead. I don't know how far out you are, I see you signed up in November, so I have some suspicion you are somewhere in the midst of your first year. Us too, we are not far from hitting the one year mark.

And, you are right, the wayward has it different, they were not betrayed. Often when the wayward is remorseful it seems most of us find our love for our spouse to be on steroids almost. We know what we almost lost and are so thankful for the second chance. But, it's also all over this site that the BS doesn't feel the love again, or at least for a long time. There are some that are successfully reconciled that say their marriage is better and their love is stronger, and those are the ones that I look to for hope.

I don't have any words of balm for you, but personally in my situation I have to believe that we will come out the other end of this better and stronger than before. Not that I deserve it, and not that it won't be changed. And, when my husband speaks along the lines that you are that's what I tell him. That I love him and that I have hopes that what we will heal will allow us to be stronger. Scar tissue is stronger than skin. Then, I tell him how sorry I am that I did this to him, and to us and that there shouldn't be any scar tissue to begin with. In the end, he will have to decide if that's good enough for him, for now I am just thankful that we continue to try and heal together. I am sorry you are hurting, I wish I had better advice for you.

hikingout posted 5/29/2018 08:46 AM

How did your betrayed spouse feel when he/she was forced to take an std test because of your affair?

He didn't take one. Safe sex was practiced during affair. He had me take one early on and again about 3 months ago.

hikingout posted 5/29/2018 08:53 AM

How does a BS establish boundaries without them sounding like ultimatums?

That is a tough one, because like you said, he is not doing anything to show solidarity with you. He is lying to you, covering things up, not considering your feelings. He's putting you in a parent role.

Have you tried doing the 180? I think you have to not be afraid to make the stand you need to. Haven't you been patient long enough? I know it's scary when you want your marriage to work, but seriously you are not asking for anything for your husband not to lie to you. So, at this point, in my eyes you really have nothing at all to lose at this point. If he wants this marriage he needs to step up or lose it, and he needs to understand that 100%. He is acting like you are the bad guy here by saying "you are threatening him".

Are you guys in MC? The therapist may have some ways to navigate this with you. I would maybe see them in private to help you work through what your plan moving forward should be.

itsmeagain posted 5/29/2018 10:29 AM

hikingout....Thank you for taking the time to respond to my question. I do believe I have been patient. Have I been the best BS? I am having a very hard time reconnecting to my WH. So, that might be playing into this...I don't know.

I don't believe that asking for 100% truth from my H is too much. Personally I think it is a given to expect that. I get to the point of putting my foot down, saying enough is enough and things better change, and he takes it as a threat, when it is not meant as a threat at all...just trying to be honest.

As always, I feel like he is wanting me to "fix" this. And I am NOT going to fix this. As far as I am concerned, he is in the driver seat for this trip. Is it wrong for me to expect him to step up and lead the way through this? My friend keeps telling me that she thinks I am expecting more from him than what he is capable of giving/doing.

hikingout posted 5/29/2018 10:47 AM

Have I been the best BS? I am having a very hard time reconnecting to my WH. So, that might be playing into this...I don't know.
I don't believe that asking for 100% truth from my H is too much. Personally I think it is a given to expect that. I get to the point of putting my foot down, saying enough is enough and things better change, and he takes it as a threat, when it is not meant as a threat at all...just trying to be honest.
As always, I feel like he is wanting me to "fix" this. And I am NOT going to fix this. As far as I am concerned, he is in the driver seat for this trip. Is it wrong for me to expect him to step up and lead the way through this? My friend keeps telling me that she thinks I am expecting more from him than what he is capable of giving/doing.

I think the BS can't reconnect with the WS until it feels safe to do so. I just looked at your profile, you've been here since 2015. You have been more than patient.

You are right, you can't fix this. And, him acting like you are making "threats" when all you are doing is communicating out you feel is a tactic he's using to shut it down and still operate the way in which he wants.

I don't think at all you are asking too much. At this point (and we're almost a year out), if I told ANY lie, about ANYHTHING, I know I would destroy all the work we did and likely I would be getting D papers. Luckily, I am not much of a liar. Despite the A last year, prior to that I never lied to him about anything. So, going back to that wasn't hard.

Your husband has to regain his integrity, or this is never going to work. You will never be able to trust him to reconnect with him, and I don't think that's a life you want to lead. Did he do IC? MC? If your friend is saying that you are asking more than he can give, then it's another way of saying he has a lot of growing up to do.

I think when you have to have a parent/child relationship with your husband, instead of him standing beside you and having your back, and being a man for you...it's a very tough situation. I am not saying D, but I am saying he needs to hear you, and he's not hearing you. I think he's as ripe now for an inappropriate relationship as he's ever been - and you think that too after seeing those texts as well. Have you done the 180 at any point?

itsmeagain posted 5/29/2018 11:24 AM

Have you done the 180 at any point?

I feel like I have been living the 180 for 2.5 yrs. maybe not full blown but in some form or any other. Maybe that is the problem.

I am at a loss. I see all the work other remorseful WS and i just don’t see that same level of commitment from him. Sure he helps around the house, he does “stuff” for me all the time. But he doesn’t open up, doesn’t share..just gives me the standard “I won’t do it again because I have changed” but he can’t articulate how he has changed. I told him from the beginning that I need him to fight for this and he half asses it. And if I let my guard down or “turn my head”, it’s almost like a kid that day “whew, she didn’t notice that!”

It is more obviou than ever our relationship has been parent/child for a very long time. At what point do I realize this is the best he can offer me?

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