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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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MrsWalloped posted 5/24/2018 00:01 AM

Did your children and husband make you feel good about yourself, at least to some degree?

Yes. Of course. To some degree. But with my children, I never gave myself credit when things went well. I didnít look at it as a reflection on me that I was a good mother or that I was teaching them the right way. But when things went poorly or they messed up, I blamed myself and that just reinforced my view that I couldnít do anything right. The only thing I am so grateful for is that I didnít take that out on them. I mean that if they didnít do well on a test, I didnít yell or shout or even pressure them or make them feel bad. I just looked at it as my failure. Not theirs.

About my husband, I just discounted whatever he said or did for me as his responsibility. He didnít really mean it, he just had to say that cause he was my husband.

MrsWalloped posted 5/24/2018 00:10 AM

Have you truly told everything about the affair? Completely and totally? Or only what you can remember because you hated what you have done that you have pushed much of the affair out of your mind? Or until you saw that your spouse was satisfied about the information they had? If you have not completely told the full story, why not?

Itís tough because I donít know what I donít remember if anything. I believe I did and have. I havenít intentionally held anything back. I answered every question and still do. I mean if my BH asked me what I ordered at a Starbucks with my AP on a specific day, I donít think I can answer that because it was 3 years ago and an insignificant detail to me at that time. There are probably things I havenít shared, but those are details that my BH hasnít asked me about or heís already said he doesnít want to know. And for the record, the things he hasnít asked me about that Iím referring to are things like what kind of coffee I ordered, or what music was playing in my APís apartment or other details like that. Weíve talked so many times and Iíve asked him if there are more details he wants to know like that and he said heís not interested.

Darkness Falls posted 5/24/2018 04:21 AM

There is plenty I havenít shared, but like MrsWalloped, they are things he didnít ask or didnít want to know. From the very beginning he was NOT a BS that wanted me to volunteer information.

WilliamM posted 5/24/2018 09:26 AM

What was the hardest thing to tell your BS? What was the toughest question asked to you? How did you handle both questions? If you asked for, and you gave, sexual details, how did he and you handle those types of questions and answers?

hikingout posted 5/24/2018 13:14 PM

What was the hardest thing to tell your BS? What was the toughest question asked to you? How did you handle both questions? If you asked for, and you gave, sexual details, how did he and you handle those types of questions and answers?

The hardest to tell my BS...well I have to say that the beginning of my confession was the hardest probably. Just getting it out there what had happened and knowing he was being blindsided by it.

The questions were harder in the beginning. It was like when you till up the clay dirt, the first few passes are the worst but as things break down it gets a little easier. Some of the hardest questions were during those early passes because I didn't always know how to answer them. They were usually very emotional in nature. Everything felt emotionally constricted, suffocating.

How could you do this to me? Why did you even get started with it? You told him you loved him? You got off the phone with me and then he came to your room? And, I could go on and on. Those questions in the beginning were just like daggers, because I was in no mental place to even try and answer them properly. And while I was honest I was still very much in self-protection, foggy, and didn't have as much empathy or knowledge as I do now.

I don't hate what has happened less, I actually hate it more. But, it's easier to answer his questions, maybe because rarely is there a new one that is as hard as those earlier ones.

How did we handle it? Oh, I don't know. Not well. It was so constant and it felt like the world was ending, and I was the one who ended it, it's sort of a blur to me now. We manage things now, and it's better. But those early months I don't think it was managing, it was surviving, it was raw, and so much of it I was still making about me. I wish I had handled myself differently during that time, but I was very ignorant to the damage I was doing or the pain I was worsening.

But, today, I feel more free. The truth does set you free. I don't mean by any means that everything is good and done, but that emotionally strangled feeling, and not worrying about navigating just telling the truth. It's much easier for me than ever in that regard. It allows me to focus so much better on his emotions and what he has to say. I am still in an optimistic cycle right now, so that might be reflecting in this last paragraph.

BrainFreeze posted 5/24/2018 14:00 PM

I get that my wife (WW) has to fix herself... has to figure out how to move forward for herself. As do I...

But, is there anything I (BS) can do to help her ?

We are a little over a year out, and things are going fairly well. We spend more time alone together than we have in the past 5 years, we are communicating with each other better than ever (still a work in progress, especially on my side)... We go on date nights, date weekends away without the kids, we help each other around the house way more than before. It's not nearly as efficient, but we are together, and we are both enjoying it. The list goes on and on... things really are going well.

But I am not healed... and neither is she... we have more talking to do...

What thing(s) did your BS do that helped you the most?

FYI - I have a very calm head - Even on D day I only yelled at her for a couple of sentences... so I do stay calm and listen...

Thanks for any suggestions

hikingout posted 5/24/2018 14:41 PM

Brainfreeze,

It sounds like you are doing everything well. I don't have new suggestions for you. It sounds like you all just need to keep doing what you are doing and letting the time build. Like you guys, my H and I had to let "efficiency" go to have more face time and shared experiences.

He is much like you describe yourself, not much of a yeller. He hasn't called me names, or some of the other things you hear about. In many ways, his demeanor and commitment (mostly, he did recently think he was done with trying to reconcile, but it's understandable) has really helped me pave a path of working through my stuff too. So, I think just that a lone is probably more than enough in what you can do. Having his support, and us being able to communicate, I really don't think I could ask for more at this point.

I am glad to hear it's going well for you, sorry I don't have other suggestions, but it sounds like you all are on a good path already.

MidnightRun posted 5/24/2018 15:45 PM

If your bs should ask you why he/ she should be faithful, what would you say?

Darkness Falls posted 5/24/2018 17:30 PM

Iím going to answer that two ways: what Iíd actually say, and the truth.

What Iíd actually say: ďWell, tell me about what makes you ask that? Why shouldnít you? Why do you think you should?Ē

What Iíd wish I could say: ďWhy shouldnít you? If my fucking around was wrong, then obviously so would yours be. You must have a reason for asking, so wha is it? And, if you felt that you shouldnít stay faithful because I cheated 8 years ago, then perhaps YOU shouldnít have asked ME to get back together/get remarried. I didnít seek YOU outóI was getting on with my life.Ē

Trying2copeinMD posted 5/24/2018 18:56 PM

Hi again! Lol... Some reason, I can't stay away from this thread, mainly because I can ask you all stuff that I wish I could ask my wife, but either I don't have the courage because of her answer, or because they're so much personally invested. It's pretty ironic that I can ask random strangers these questions, but not my own wife... The irony isn't lost on me.

So, I assume that most of these Affairs started from a growing friendship. At what point in that growing relationship did you realize that lines were being crossed? Did you realize that you were crossing a line that could be impactful to those around you, and how did you activate to your BS immediately after?

Thanks!

MrsWalloped posted 5/24/2018 21:25 PM

If your bs should ask you why he/ she should be faithful, what would you say?

Thank you, Darkness Falls, for that answer. Well said.

What kind of question is that? Is it wrong or is it not wrong? Or is it only wrong if nobody does it but if someone did it first then it becomes okay for the other person? Is that how morality and integrity work?

Are you asking from the POV that itís now okay or that itís still wrong but since I did something wrong my BH gets to have a free pass to do the same wrong thing? If itís the first, well, I think itís pretty messed up thinking to think itís okay. And if itís okay, then get over my A because apparently according to you I didnít do anything wrong. If itís the second, then it tells me a tremendous amount about my BH. Because then it seems that our M is based on tit for tat. If one of us does something wrong, then the other gets to do it too. How juvenile. And that tells me we have very different views of what a M and our relationship should be based on.

Iím just thankful that question would never even occur to my BH to ask me since heís a man of honor and integrity.

MidnightRun posted 5/24/2018 23:57 PM

My question was aimed primarily at eliciting a wayward's view of integrity after d day. Says Mrs. Wallop: "Iím just thankful that question would never even occur to my BH to ask me since heís a man of honor and integrity."

Thanks.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:59 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]

jinkazama posted 5/25/2018 00:09 AM

Do you guys talk about old things before affair???

because i think everything before affair or before DDay seems fake

i know its not fake but seems fake

it gives triggers

MidnightRun posted 5/25/2018 01:13 AM

For those in IC, what has been the most valuable or challenging discovery to date?

mike7 posted 5/25/2018 02:48 AM

I deleted my question. I came to think that it wasn't that helpful. sorry.

[This message edited by mike7 at 3:44 AM, May 25th (Friday)]

Larryh1996 posted 5/25/2018 03:26 AM

While I agree with you that a BS having a revenge affair is wrong and is very counterproductive, i think itís itís not the same as the WSís A. The WS, after all were the ones that brought infidelity into the equation in the first place. I have always felt that a RA by a BS, while wrong, is still not anywhere near Ďevení in magnitude compared to the betrayal done by the WS.

MrsWalloped, youíve posted before about your thoughts regarding your husbands fidelity after your infidelity and how you would react if your husband had a RA.

Simply put, you betrayed a completely loyal and faithful partner. Letís say your husband has a RA, even then he would only be betraying a former unfaithful partner instead of a completely faithful one. How can this be considered as even ?

[This message edited by Larryh1996 at 3:35 AM, May 25th (Friday)]

Lucky77 posted 5/25/2018 05:03 AM

Hi Trying2

So, I assume that most of these Affairs started from a growing friendship. At what point in that growing relationship did you realize that lines were being crossed? Did you realize that you were crossing a line that could be impactful to those around you, and how did you activate to your BS immediately after?

My A was with a friendly coworker. She first came onto me. Said she wanted me and had to have me. I thought she was nuts. I alerted my W to this crazy chick from work that is hounding me. I presented it though as something I could handle. AP was pretty relentless. It was a repeated circle of ego kibbles, dopamine hits, feeds violations of trust again and again. Turns out I couldnít handle it. It felt literally like I was in quick sand. I struggled to get out. I felt like I wanted to be a polygamist. I honestly wanted to keep them both. Whatís not to like about having a side chick (secret GF). As to crossing lines they felt pretty harmlessÖ.a sexy text, a flirty email then hugs and then kisses and then finally sex. Contact grew from daily to constant.

ArtPatchedHeart81 posted 5/25/2018 08:25 AM

I assume that most of these Affairs started from a growing friendship. At what point in that growing relationship did you realize that lines were being crossed?

When we made the decision to travel separate from the rest of our work team for one of our trips. Both told lies to team on reasons why and denied our true intentions were to spend time together. Spent the next few weeks behind closed doors planning trip details.

MrsWalloped posted 5/25/2018 09:37 AM

Hi Larryh1996.

Simply put, you betrayed a completely loyal and faithful partner. Letís say your husband has a RA, even then he would only be betraying a former unfaithful partner instead of a completely faithful one. How can this be considered as even ?
I really donít want to hijack this thread and make it about me. So with your permission, can I reframe the question to be more generic about how a WS sees an RA compared to an A and whether theyíre equal?

Youíre entitled to your opinion as one being more wrong than the other. I would say that theyíre both equally wrong yet the RA is more understandable why it happened. I do think timing comes into consideration too. Like shortly after DDay for an RA. Not 2 years later. You donít get a hall pass.

It seems that the thinking behind the question is like that the WS got away with something or got to do something that the BS, really wants to do but the only thing holding him or her back is the fact that theyíre married. Itís like sticking your hand in the cookie jar. Well, you took a cookie first, so now I get to take a cookie. Okay, but what if it was a jar of cyanide pills? Would you be so keen on taking one?

There was death because of my A. Part of me died. Part of my soul. My M. My husbandís love and respect. My childrenís love and respect. My sense of self. Why would you want that? There seems to be this very short sighted focus on what people imagine is the ďhot monkey sexĒ but they never focus on the damage it caused or the pain, the heartache.

As I said, I understand why people have an RA. Are they even? The destruction that it causes is. The pain. The self-loathing.

And finally, I donít understand the idea of right and wrong being determined by someone else doing a wrong thing first. It either is or isnít.

Darkness Falls posted 5/25/2018 09:48 AM

And finally, I donít understand the idea of right and wrong being determined by someone else doing a wrong thing first. It either is or isnít.

My thoughts exactly.

People love to call the WS a hypocrite if they wouldnít humbly accept an RA as their just desserts. My contention is that the BS is a hypocrite for *having* oneóin saying ďit was only wrong when YOU did it first.Ē Either itís wrong or itís not wrong. Not ďitís wrong sometimes but not others.Ē

Many people IRL who know of my situation think of me as a madhatter. Many others, including myself, do not. He did not ďcheatĒ on me by the commonly accepted definition of the term, but he did commit adultery. He recognizes and owns that, as I do my behavior.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 9:49 AM, May 25th (Friday)]

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