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His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley

bw900 posted 8/29/2016 01:08 AM

:Building an Affair-proof Marriage.

The author is also the Marriage Builders site owner.

I thought there was a lot of helpful advice for making a marriage closer and stronger. It includes how to survive an affair.

However, I think there is too much emphasis on a WS "unmet needs," being the"cause" of the affair. This philosophy seems outdated and more like something you'd learn in the 60's.

I think WS lack of GIVING in the marriage and fear of confrontation with the BS to address those "needs" should be added to this book.

In spite of that negative I thought the needs described were helpful, especially to clarify my need for conversation. It was referred to in the book as intimate conversation, something I have really wanted in our M, but haven't managed to get enough .

sicatrose posted 8/29/2016 10:33 AM

I bought the book when I saw some texts my husband's "friend" sent to him. They were not sexual, but inappropriate because she was angry with him and reacting as a gf would . "I'm mad so now I don't want to see you tonight." At the time, he showed no interest in working on our marriage and that book sat collecting dust.
After 2 years of lies and gaslighting the truth finally came out. Lo and behold, my husband was now desperate to attend a workshop at his church based on the book. When I asked for advice here on SI, many voiced the opinion that the book blamed the BS. I took a chance and found that the workshop was helpful in opening up communication and has encouraged my very selfish husband to do acts of kindness and giving for me to build up his "love bank."
At the workshop, there was no blame put on BS. Harley, in the video segments, and the pastor who facilitated emphasized the pain of betrayal and that infidelity automatically bankrupted your "love bank."
Overall I enjoyed it and found it helpful. Of course , my opinion is probably worth sh*t because I now suspect he is slipping down the slope into EA territory with an ex.
Wishing you strength and peace.

[This message edited by sicatrose at 10:42 AM, August 29th (Monday)]

bw900 posted 8/31/2016 07:20 AM

Wishing you strength and peace.

Thank you, sicatrose, and I wish the same for you. It sounds like things are still very challenging for you.

I'm encouraged to read that the workshop was helpful and respectful to the BS.

Lovedyoumore posted 9/29/2016 13:44 PM

We did the whole series/workbook years ago at our church. Although it gives some insight and guidance for already receptive partners, I am obvious proof that it cannot affair proof a marriage. You can meet the others needs until the cows come home and still be betrayed. There is so much more needed to keep the premise of this book honest.

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