Rebuilding Trust

submitted by Erica

As far as trust goes, think of it as a bank account. When infidelity strikes, our spouse not only wipes out the bank account but it becomes overdrawn as well.

In my case, my H had to work hard just to get it back UP to zero. He did that by coming clean about everything and getting the secrets out in the open, even the really old ones...even the ones that I didn't know about.

To start with a clean slate or a zero account meant that he had to bare his soul and lay it all on the table. This brought him back up to zero. After about 3 months I was able to start letting him make deposits. Deposits started small...for example, every time he told the truth about something that he would have lied about in the past he got a deposit.

He was to have no contact with the other women at all. Any attempts at contact by the OW's were to be brought to my attention and he was not to read anything that was sent to him by them.

He got a deposit when he brought an unopened envelope from one of the women and gave it to me. In the past he would not have given it to me in an attempt to not hurt me. He has now learned that would have hurt me more...because eventually the truth comes out.

He earned deposits when he was, where he said he would be. He earned deposits when he said "hey listen to this voice mail, I think it is her voice". He earned deposits when he said "I got an email from her and I didn't open it. You come deal with it."

Each time that he was patient and not defensive as I asked the same question over again, he made another deposit. Each time that he comes to me and says "I can see you are having struggles today, how can I help. What are you thinking about? Do you have a question that I can answer." These things all made deposits into his account.

It took about 1 year to get enough deposits to feel some trust. He gave me all his passwords to cell phone, pager and computer and this earned him a deposit. I have the freedom to check his wallet, clothes briefcase and car. As he builds up the bank account, I have less of a need to check these things as frequently. It is now almost 2 years and I feel enough trust in him that I don't freak out and panic if he is out of sight. The first 6 mos or so, I only trusted him when I was with him. As long as they are willing to work at it, they can gain trust back...not blind trust though. I will never give him blind trust again...that was my mistake. No one should be given blind trust. I would be glad to answer any questions that you have.

It is now over 3 years and I trust my H again, but no blind trust. If there is anything that doesn't seem right, then I check it out and question until I am satisfied. I feel that we now have a healthy level of trust in our relationship.