1) did she really end it with him or did he end it with her once she told him she was pregnant? He already has kids. The last thing he needs is another one.
i told her that he needed to be excommunicated from her and she told me she would. she said she took him off her facebook, deleted his numbers and all that. she told me she has not tried to contact him since i asked her not to contact him. she did tell the OM that she was pregnant. im not 100% on how he feels but she did say that he would rather take it if she wanted to get an abortion. but i dont know how much he would come after the baby when it is born.
2) Are you just her back up plan for support now that she doesn't have the OM to rely upon?
i dont think so. i mean she tells me everyday that she is sorry and ashamed and was selfish and all that. she told me yesterday that shes never felt more love for me than she does now. that was after i asked her if she ever felt like she wanted to leave me cause she stopped loving me or anything like that. she responded "i only felt like that for a short period of time because i hit rock bottom and all i was doing was drinking." that hurt to hear that she even thought about leaving me. i just dont understand why it was so hard to just say "babe im unhappy and starting to fall out of love with you. i dont want to but im hitting rock bottom. what can we do to fix it?" if she would said something like that at all to me i woulda swam across the atlantic just to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her everything would be ok and i would do wutever needed to be done to fix whatever was wrong.
they are supportive of me, they still support my wife, and they will support the child no matter what
sound like you have an awesome family!
Thank you for serving our country, and as a result, having to leave your new wife behind. That is brave, and shows your strength.
I'm so sorry you have to be worrying about infidelity at this time. Make extra efforts to be safe, and not distracted with the adultery (crap) while on duty.
My first thought about the baby is all babies are vulnerable, and beautiful, which brings out natural nurturing instincts in most people. From what you have said, you would be loving and protective of any innocent baby, regardless of who the father was.
I know you love your wife, however you will eventually feel the breadth of her betrayal: you are out risking your life to protect her and countless strangers, while she is going out to bars, meeting men and having sex with them. Her womb hadn't even sheltered your child, and the first one in there was another man's?
We've all read so many stories here on SI of people who are suffering from infidelity after many years of marriage...and they forgave their spouse of cheating on them already early on in their M. My feeling is that since she did this so early on, if you tolerate it by staying, you are guaranteeing she will do it again, whether soon, or many years later.
Like someone suggested, if you choose to stay M to her, do it strategically, with a lawyer involved. That might wake her up permanently as to whether you will tolerate a repeat performance.
I'm so sorry your wife hurt you this way.
I will give you the same advice I gave too many sailors when I was in the Navy.
Stop fighting for a one sided marriage. Of course you love your wife. But you no longer have a real marriage. She decided to open it up and make you pay.
You CLING to the image you had of your wife, but she has revealed yourself to you. Open your eyes and see it.
Once you do, the anger will build. Not just shock, but real anger. USE IT TO DETACH. Because until then, you are going to make BAD decisions. You are basing decisions on a marriage that no longer exists and feelings that are fueled by rejection and betrayal.
Seek counseling. I am not sure what the Army has, but the Navy had a pretty decent network when I got out centuries ago.
And find a lawyer. Seriously. You NEED to know your rights. You need to protect yourself NOW. You are likely going to stumble into a lifetime commitment of raising another man's child (major financial and emotional obligation), while being treated as a second class citizen in a marriage where you already know she will sell you out for the attentions of another. Imagine where you fall in the pecking order of a family where you are not the father and OM is over every day seeing his child.
Once you detach, you can make rational decisions. But until then, you need to make businesslike decisions. Not emotional ones.
Filing for divorce does not mean divorce. Learning about your rights is only intelligent. Protecting yourself is critical because it is clear she will not have your back.
As you race headlong into reconciliation with someone who has decided to make your life a living hell, consider this - what would you tell your best friend if he was in your situation?
When you are able to honestly answer that, you will know what to do.
Strength to you.
[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 7:53 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
Can Not Believe
Me: BW - 62 FWH - 62 years old
Married: 41+ years 2 sons (34 & 30)
Possible OC: 32 years old/29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011
My point is that when an OC is involved, the A is never over even when there is NC with AP. it goes on for ever. The OWH is surprisingly supportive of his WS and raises the child. I can't cope at all. If you take on the OC and raise it as your own, be prepared to be reminded every single day of your wife's infidelity. Can you cope with that? Most of us couldn't. Only you know if you can. Every time you see the IC, you will remember what your WW did. Is that a good environment for the OC?
Does the OM have a wife or partner? If yes, I plead with you, however difficult it is for her to be told. Part of my trouble has been that I never knew for 3 years and then contact continued behind my back for another 2 years and all the time the other BS knew.
If you choose to raise the OC as you down, decide what contact if any the OM will have. That means he stays in your life, even if there is NC with your WW. Can you handle that? If he stays in your life and in OCs, his wife or partner MUST know.
If he doesn't stay in our life, who will support OC financially? Will you? How will you feel about that when your own children come along and money gets tight? Why shouldn't OM support the OC financially?
It takes a very very big person to raise another's child. It's a lot to ask of you. If you really are prepared to work for R with your WW, then go ahead, but you will havea harder hill to climb than most of us. Do not even consider it unless she is truly remorseful and prepared to work for it.
My post is not meant to be mean or even sway you one way or the other. Just wanted to give you my perspective since my STBX had an A less than a year into our M followed up by another LTA 7 years later.
I agree with several of the other posters that say you need to be very careful moving forward. My STBXWW( soon to be ex wayward wife) had an affair less than a year after we got married. I did NOT know about that Affair until 7 years later when Dday happened on Affair number 2. Her 2nd Affair was a LTA (long term affair) and it lasted 3 years with a coworker. When something is so wrong with a person that they feel the need to cheat within a year of getting married it does NOT look good for the rest of the M. Did your WW ever let you know something was wrong with the M in her mind, did she try to talk to you, try to get you both in counseling, get herslef into counseling, talk to a preacher, go to church, anything at all to try and resolve the issues she "thinks" caused her to have an A. Don't get me wrong the A is 100% on her and her choice. However if she had issues with the M then she was obligated to try to resolve them with you or get a divorce from you NOT go out and have unprotected sex with another man and get pregnant. I mean how did things get that bad in our WS's mind that quickly that they had to go out and cheat and not even have the decency to try and work it out with their spouse, the person they just made vows to less than a year ago.
Your WW may have said she cut off the OM but if she has the child and you choose to raise the child together the OM will ALWAYS be in the picture. Heck he could even sue your WW for visitation rights. He may not want to be around now but unless he terminates his parental rights he can always show up at some point in the future. Heck the baby may try to seek him out in the future. Just because she cut him off doesn't mean he won't try to reach out to her. Is the baby innocent, yes, but you and your WW will always know.
Your WW has shown you EXACTLY who she is very early in your M. Look at who she is right now and make your decisions wisely. Don't look at the future you thought you would, she blew that up with her affair. Don't look at the person she was in the past because that person no longer exists or never did in the first place. Look at the person that is figuratively standing right in front of you NOW. This is WHO SHE IS...AN ADULTERER. Can she change, yes, but it is a very long road that is not easy and she has the addition of a child that isn't your to deal with. She has to work through all of her issues and that takes time and she may work through them and realize she in fact doesn't want to be with you. I recommend you take some time to detach and "do you" for awhile. Figure out exactly what you want out of life.
This sounds bad but it's true. Your WW gave you a "get out of Marriage free card". Think wisely on whether you want to use it or not. Stick around the site and read and notice how many people, myself included, had wayward spouses that cheated early on in a marriage and went on to do it again, repeatedly in some cases, years later.
It's ultimately your decision on what to do but please understand that what she did wasn't a bad mistake or bad choice. It was an intentional decision she made that has direct consequences in the form of destroying your family right as it's trying to get started, bringing a life into this world and into your family that isn't yours, showing you just how little she respects you and what you do for her, and most of all shows how little respect she has for herself.
You can't change her. You can only change yourself. Either way you choose the road sucks but it DOES get better with time down either path. I chose to get Divorced after I realized that my STBXWW could not face and fix her issues. It took me 2 years to get to that point and I wish I had made the decision to leave sooner.
My WW seemed to do everything right after Dday as well right up until over a year later she couldn't take it anymore and wanted out. She to this day continues to run from her issues. If they never resolve their own issues they remain broken and nothing you do will fix that. If you haven't, check out the Betrayed Men's thread in the I can relate forum. Keep posting, reading, and taking care of yourself. This shit sucks but you will get through it. I wish you the best. If you haven't, get a lawyer asap and figure out your rights. You need to figure out your legal responsibilities to the child if any as well as your options if you choose to stay or go. Some states have rules on how long you can file for adultery or if adultery is even considered. Go get educated on your rights so you can make an informed decision.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:54 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
Just know this....the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. This woman has a long road of recovery and discovery about herself. Don't get sucked in trying to be some knight in shining armor that you will save her and she will love you forever. She's already proved to you that she doesn't love you forever...and it's been what...only one year?
[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:55 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
Let’s be clear on some issues. I don’t want you to leave this site. I really do think you need to hear both the good and the bad and what I am presenting is definitely the bad. Although I would appreciate you taking note of what I say then I’m only a voice here. Only one of 40,000. My word is not law, but the time I do think I have some experience to add to the pot here.
I don’t see “marriage” per se as a reason to recommend staying or leaving a relationship. I see the time invested, the people involved and the lives affected as the major determining factor. In your case – a 15 month marriage, part of that spend apart due to your service, no children and what you post about your WW actions… I can’t for the life of me see a sensible or logical reason for you to stay. Granted I can fully acknowledge that there might be moral or emotional reasons to stay.
So if you had a kid together, longer time together, major financial entwinement… I would definitely be presenting the “work on the marriage” angle but frankly friend… I don’t see this marriage working. I don’t see any reasonable benefits outweighing the effort, the commitment, the money, the time and the emotional pain required to give this marriage a chance.
I know that IF you decide to remain in this marriage you can raise this kid as your own. I don’t have any doubts or worries on that part of the equation.
One of the best pieces of advice offered here on SI is to take your time. Unfortunately many take that to mean don’t do anything… I prefer to see that as advice to think things over before acting on them – to evaluate the pro’s and con’s and reach a rational, calculated and reasoned decision. In your case there is one major factor that demands that you only take the time you are reasonably being offered and that is the pregnancy. IMHO you have 5-7 months to decide and that’s it. Use that time well.
OK – So let‘s start with some legal issues.
WITHOUT YOUR WIFE you need to be clear on your legal standing. I think in all states a husband is assumed the father irrespective of infidelity. There is a process AFTER birth where the paternity can be disputed. I think in most states OM has a very limited ability to dispute paternity if the husband doesn’t dispute it.
Even if OM accepts the biological paternity then you will assume financial responsibilities if you remain in this marriage and it ends in divorce after the birth. In fact – if OM accepts paternity, you remain married and you two divorce some time later you could have financial responsibility without any legal rights to visitation or custody.
Then with your wife you need legal advice regarding how to move on with the paternity, the birth, the possible intervention of OM and so on.
But then… Possibly the worst thing you could do here on SI is to accept our legal advice. What is clear IMHO is that YOU need to seek legal guidance and you need to do so without your wife. You need to be clear on the what if’s from the various scenarios.
What I look into is cold, hard facts:
Statistically just about 4/10 marriages in your age group end in divorce. So you guys were fighting an up-hill battle from day one. Infidelity is definitely one big reason people divorce (surprisingly though only the 4-5 major reasons) and add the pregnancy to that equation…
Statistically divorce rates in the military are sky high. The theory is that the unique stress placed on marriages by the uncertainty of active duty is causing this. It’s a phenomenon well known within law enforcement families (a career with a high divorce rate). [ The infidelity rate within military families and LEO however is the same as with the general public.]
Statistically a marriage that has already experienced infidelity is 4 times more likely to experience it again than a marriage that hasn’t. Basically – a person that cheats is more likely to cheat again so if you and WW don’t do the IMMENSE work required then two years from now. Keep in mind that generally people cheat because there is something missing in them. This is their reaction to get something they feel is missing. In most cases some sort of validation. No matter what YOU do then if your WW doesn’t find out what allowed her to cheat now then that urge is going to crawl back into her life.
It’s widely accepted that recovering from infidelity requires committed, joint work that takes around 2 years of IC, MC, workshops, reading, improving communications and so on. It requires that you are totally 100% willing to not live in the fact she cheated and that she is totally 100% willing to live in the fact she did. It’s an extremely tough thing to do and generally it’s better to have history and something more than emotional reasons to see it through. Plus it’s expensive if it’s to be done correctly.
I don’t see you working on these issues while or if deployed. In fact I think working on this when deployed can be extremely dangerous when your focus should be on remaining alive.
I don’t see you accepting that her decision to cheat is totally 100% her decision. This is a key issue; her past issues, her background, her being drunk, you being deployed… None of those justify her decision to cheat. Granted they might explain why she reached that point where she decided to take it that one step further but at the end of the day SHE had two options: back off or go on.
Why is this a key issue? Well – there is no way a person can prevent repeats if they don’t acknowledge the blame. If you even allow a slimmer of “well – of course I decided to have sex with OM. After all WH was deployed and I needed that emotional fix OM offered” you two are doomed to experience infidelity again.
I don’t see you truly having the truth. Experience tells me that WS never tell the truth at day one. Generally the “truth” is only clear way into reconciliation. So why did she see OM? At what point did she decide that being around him was a good idea? At what point did she get interested in him? Why? Who knew? Who supported the affair? Who encouraged her? Can she remove them all from her life?
I also think you need to frankly evaluate your emotions reg. WW. Is it a sense of losing something? Is it a sense of failure? Why do you feel so strongly about your need to save this marriage? I have seen dozens of cases here on SI where a BH does all he can to save the marriage only to realize he can’t cope with the forgiveness once the WW is onboard with R.
So what would happen if you decided a divorce made more sense?
Well - chances are you would still need to legally remove your name from the child.
Since you and WW have such a short marriage and no children then the financial aspect of divorce would be relatively simple. Possibly the pregnancy might land you with temporary support issues, but if you decide to divorce then the next step is refuting the paternity.
The emotional damage will be extensive!
But something that you will progressively get over in the next 6-18 months. Six months from now you won’t be feeling as bad. 12 months life will feel worth living. 18 months… you will be fine. And you will have the possibility of taking this experience into your next relationship and possibly founding that on a firmer base.
Just so you know where I come from: I walked in on my fiancé of nearly 4 years, of which 2 years living together, after walking in on her having sex with another man. We were only about 5 weeks from our wedding day and I ended that relationship there and then. I basically decided that since she was willing to risk it all while we were still supposedly fresh then she would be willing to risk it all later on. I decided that I had a better shot recovering from the loss and the INTENSE sorrow and pain and starting off again.
She too had all sorts of family issues. She too needed a lot of fixing, fixing I would have helped her with if she hadn’t decided her fixing-tool of choice hung between the legs of OM.
It took me 6 months before I woke up one day not remembering why I felt so numb. 12 months before I started seeing that my decision was absolutely the right one for me.
Like I said in the beginning: I don’t want you to leave this site and we will support you no matter what but I feel this angle I’m coming from needs to be heard.
Listen to what everyone here is saying. The marriage you had is gone.
Your WW says she loves you more than she ever did. But she didn't love you enough tobe faithful to you.
If you do decide to R and keep the OC, then you will always be reminded of your WW's A. It's bad enough to have to live with her infidelity, but to be reminded every time you see the OC is something you really don't need.
And when you deploy again you'll always wonder what your WW is doing. You'll have enough to woory about.
Again, be carefull. Any decision you make should be one that you can live with.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
since im not due home for another 30 days or so what can i ask her to do to make mee feel better about this until we can actually go to MC. ive asked her to text me at all hours even if im asleep to just let me know wut she is doing. even tho im not awake when i do wake up i can see it and know she is thinking about me. but she doesnt do it that much. i find myself doing all the checking in. i text her when im home, every time i leave my dorm room, when i go to chow, everything. how do i let go of that.
its hard to explain. i dont want everyone here thinking my wife doesnt care. cause she really does. i can tell how remorseful she is. i just feel sometimes im trying to better myself and be a better husband to her than she is to me. i mean without therapy yet i have figured out somethings about us that i never really thought of before.
like our love languages. i speak in gifts and she speaks in word of affirmation. ive never been the best at giving her the words and feelings she needs to feel love so ive been trying to work on that.
ive also learned that she has issue from the past. her father was a drug addict and an alcoholic for years. when she was in her early teens she was kinda forced to parent her younger brother and sister. her father was never around. he would leave for hours, sometimes even days at a time. her mother told me that she would sit in her room by the window and just cry and pray that her daddy would come home. she also had a boyfriend in highshcool who died in a car crash(not his fault, hit by a person who ran a stop sign and was drunk). So i think she has a subconcious mental issue with men leaving her. and when we started dating i was almost never gone from her. we spent the first 2.5 years before we got married doing everything together. even after we got married there were no problems. but then i get deployed, and now im gone, not because i want to be away from her but because im serving my country. so now im gone and those issues in her head start to surface im sure.
so i gues what im trying to figure out is how do i get her to take the blame. understand that im the one hurting cause of her action. i want her to make me fall in love with her again. i feel i have already acknowledged my downfalls in the M and i know what i need to do in order to fix them (i still want to go to MC for the professional help, but atleast im being proactive). i just want her to do the same thing. maybe i want her to do more than that. i want to feel like im the center of her world like shes the center of mine. i want to know that if theres any obstacle that is keeping her from me that she would acknowledge the obstacle, say "fuck u, thats my man and you will not stop me from being with him" to the obstacle and then do whatever it takes to destroy the obstacle.
this is just me thinking out loud.
am i blinded by the love i feel for her. maybe. do i care? i dont think i do. why cant the feeling that i have for her be enough to hold on to. its the core of all emotion. its because i love her im angry, scared, lost, sad, confused, anguished, nautious...all of those terrible emotions i feel are because i love her like no one else can love another person. if i didnt i wouldnt care and wouldnt be on this site. but its also because i love her that i feel alive, elated, energetic, compassionate, inspired, important, fearless...all the good i feel in my life comes from her. she makes me feel like i can take on an entire army and come out on top. like there is nothing i cant acheive as long as shes with me. ive always felt that no matter what she dreamed or wanted to accomplish that i would always be by her side supporting her. there to let her know no matter what, if she failed or succeeded that i was there. if people left her life, doubted her, or got in her way i would always have her back. i just want the same thing in return.
i dont really know where im going anymore with this rant. all i do know is there is absolutely nothing in this world or any unknown world that is stonger than the love i feel for my wife. i know a lot of you think its cliche or only exist in the movies...but i dont care. i am who i am. i am my father's son, and i will always be till the day i die. im not changing my heart for anything.
this is our wedding song by the way...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFEjdlEGvvE - it says it all
[This message edited by TryingToBeBrave at 9:32 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
I am so sad for you. This is such an awful situation.
I realise she is the love of your life and you feel you cannot let her go. I get that. I really do.
After our first child 27 years ago I caught my FWH with another woman. He swore she was "just a friend". I bought it. Because I loved him. Later found out it was at least an EA and probably a PA. He begged me to forgive him. He cried. He told me he was so sorry. Told me he loved me more than life itself and couldn't live without me.
I tried hard to forgive and forget and move on. In fact I did do just that. We had a second child.
Then the M started to fall apart. He became an irrational bully. He abused me emotionally and a couple of times physically. I won't give you the details but I "stayed for the kids" and kept hoping things would get better. I did all I could to "make him happy". Nothing worked. I was miserable for many years. But I always had hope.
Then I found out 25 years later that the infidelity had never stopped. He had had many OWs - LTEAs and LTPAs.
Our M never had a chance. Now he is "so sorry" again. Will never do it again. He just took 25 years of my life. Denied me the chance to have a real M but now he is sorry. I am 57 years old. So what do I do?
So many on here don't want you to go through the agony of what we experienced. It makes me want to cry reading your story. So many women on here would love a man like you.
I hope that one day you find a woman who appreciates you.
I wish I could say that your WW is that woman but I doubt it.
Listen to the old hands like Bigger. The wisdom on here is amazing.
[This message edited by AStar at 5:30 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
You love your wife deeply, which is awesome. She loves you. She has abandonment issues because of her dad and HS boyfriend, and that is why she cheated on you...
All that is good to know, however, what will she do the next time you are away from her? She has to go to individual counselling and learn to to deal with her own issues. That is the only way your M is going to work, unless you discover some time down the line that infidelity is a deal breaker for you.
SHE needs to work on those issues. They are hers to own, hers to fix. Don't take on her responsibilities. You said you need to see her putting in effort and you absolutely do. She needs to proactively get to the bottom of her shit.
In my opinion, her individual counseling needs to be a priority at this time before MC. The marriage can't be saved until you are both healthy individually. The baby complicates things big time. Inasmuch as its honorable for you to say you would raise it as your own, please don't make any decisions on that right now. If your WW can't/won't own and fix her shit, being connected to her thru a baby that's not yours would be a nightmare.
You have a long, rough road ahead of you.
Here in NY, and other states, if your WW has a baby while your married, it's yours, no matter who the father is. You are responsible for that child 'til they're 18.
Do you really want that?
I don't have any advice to give because I'm still raw and ate up with the hurt of being betrayed. All I can say is that you are a better men than most if you can get past this. I thought I had it bad until I read your story. I couldn't bare the weight that you have sitting on your shoulders. My wife, like yours seemed to need the validation because she is a weak person. I never saw it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I wish you the best of luck and I know you'll get the answers you are seeking in time. Maybe your wife could get herself into counseling to start with while you are away.
I have 13 good years and 1 bad year with this women. I have two small children and a lot invested in the relationship. I try and not let that dictate my decision but it is hard for me to not let it play a factor. My wife is doing individual counseling and I just started with it. We've been going to MC together since the beginning.
It does make me feel better that she is the one who initiated the counseling. She did say to me that she wanted to find out what in the world made her do this. She has some self esteem issues that we've both known existed for quite some time. It's unfortunate that she didn't get help before this happened.
Validation is something that she obviously needed. She has barely scratched the surface on why she did this. In my opinion she is showing true remorse. No one can tell you whether or not your wife is truly remorseful. You know her best.
My wife went and had her number changed. She gave me the passwords to all of her stuff and closed her FB account. Even with doing all of that I'm still broken and shattered at what she has done to our family. Your situation is far different from mine. You haven't even been married a little over a year and your wife did this to you.
She is very lucky to have a man that is so forgiving. If it were me I would definitely divorce. No one can answer that for you. You and you alone are the one that will have to live with her decision. Being betrayed is the worst thing one human being can do to another. It's like a death that just won't go away. Talking about it definitely helps and I'm glad I took the advice given here to get myself some IC.