Topic: Do you ever wish you had handled D-day differently?
Member # 36976
| Posted: 11:58 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013|
Like a lot of you I wish I had printed out the messages I read, I should have checked the rest of his email ( it would have stopped their stupid lies). I do like that I told her she could have him and that I packed the kids up and took off for Chinatown with my friend, his hours of desperate calls and texts were very fulfilling.
Posts: 609 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 37091
| Posted: 12:53 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
I wish I hadn't confronted right away. I wish I had the presence of mind to act normal and gather evidence. As it is I'm positive there is more I will never know.
ETA: By more I don't mean nitty gritty details. I mean I think part of it was physical and I think he felt more for her then he's admitting.
[This message edited by Unagie at 8:16 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild
No longer together
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
Posts: 2644 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 33867
| Posted: 1:09 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
I regret that I did not forward every single email from my WH BB to my email address.
I have a few but I wish I thought to do this before deleting some of them.
ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 35862
| Posted: 5:16 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
All I can say is that I was so stunned.
I wish I wouldn't have been so crushed and been stronger.
I wish then and there I'd have told him to get his shit and get out. I wish I'd have confronted OW as she did not like it when the A made waves in her life and dumped him when I finally made waves for her..
I wish I'd have found this site sooner.
Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."
Posts: 655 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 37439
| Posted: 5:37 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
Oh gosh, just reading this made me remember for about a week i was walking around telling people he was having an affair.
I had looked into key loggers etc
Then I ... forgot?
However when the first 'official dday' happened. I really don't think I could of handled it any better all considering. He walked in two minutes after I saw it (if it was even that long)
I demanded to know everything.
He just took three day for the next dday. Which I handled it like the bitch I didn't know I was :P
But I regret the denial... I knew! For so so long.
OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 36445
| Posted: 6:03 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
Yep, I wish I threw him out the first time instead of being in FR several times.
"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.
Posts: 1286 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 36654
| Posted: 7:05 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
Yes. I was 1000 miles from home on a job when OW called me. I had just put WH#2 on an airplane after a fabulous weekend in SF when OW called me. I was a total mess and flew home myself the next day and went to the attorney and filed for D. Then when we talked (he lied some more) and I took him back, changed myself, and thought we were in R, until almost a yr later found out they were still seeing each other. I wished now that I had let the D ride and had him served then. On DDay#2 he said he continued to see her because he had no consequences the first DDay and he was basically right. I also wished I had found SI before any DDay and knew what I knew now. Too much has happened to make our marriage work now, he is regetful..but not remorseful, refuses IC or MC, and continues to drink daily. I have begun to detach myself from him, doing the 180, and will probably be filing again soon. I regret that I did not go through with it the first time, but I was in such shock, sick, confused, and I loved him and thought it was because of something I did or didn't do. Nope, he is just an alcoholic, lying,dry cheater (for now) and I can't fix him. Time to fix myself!!! Hindsight is always 20/20 and it is what it is. If I had done things differently whoes to say it would have turned out differently than it has. I think the only difference is I would have saved myself a lot of pain and gotten myself to a healthier place sooner.
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.
Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 39001
| Posted: 7:55 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
I was always so sure of what I would do if I ever found out about my H cheating on me but, when it actually happened, I was completely numbed. I always thought about that dramatic scene where you bag his shit & throw him out by the seat of his pants but, I just showed him the e-mails, went & laid down on my bed & stared at the ceiling for hours. Our SIL stays with us for two days every month due to a job assignment & had just arrived about 30 min. prior to me finding the e-mails so there was no screaming and actually, no variation of normal behavior. Stunned cannot be overemphasized here! I did have the presence of mind to print out the e-mails that I saw but I know if I had actually looked through the folders I would have found so much more. But, as another poster put it, it is what it is & at this point for all of us here, we will never know if those things hurt or helped us down our rocky road. We must move on.
I just remember frantically scanning my brain in those first few moments trying to remember anyone I knew that had been involved in infidelity because I was certain that they could tell me what the next step should be. Like there was some kind of manuel out there that I wasn't aware of. Wouldn't that have been nice?
I'm like the rest of you tho in that I feel so blessed that I did eventually find SI & really will never be able to thank each one of you for the help I've been given. I usually only post on threads that relate to my situation but, I constantly scan & read on the different forums so you may not even know that you helped but, you did. Every single post I've read has made me evaluate some pertinent things that I had never thought about. Some really helped me to be proactive in heading off situations that were sure to come into play as a result of what was going on with my situation. Mostly, I think what I got here was validation. That helped me significantly because I've never been confident in my abilities to sum up a situation correctly even tho I'm finding out that I was really pretty good at it all along. The validation I got from here helped me know that I was right and that gave me courage to accept the things I could not change, to change the things that I could and the wisdom to know the difference. I'm still struggling & continue to need encouraging words & advice. I'm pretty sure that down the road I may even need some 2x4's but that's ok because I truly trust that I will get what I need to be successful in healing from the wisdom of this group of people.
Again, my sincerest thanks to everyone of you! I would not have made it this far without you!
BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell
Posts: 667 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 30877
| Posted: 10:52 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
Hummm... I wish I had not taken the responsibility for not being "enough", for taking the blame for his actions, for not kicking him out, for hurting myself physically, for putting his and everyone elses needs in front of my own.
edited to add having a bit of a down day today
[This message edited by girlsbird at 11:06 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed
Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Member # 28618
| Posted: 1:37 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
I wish I would have confronted mOM sooner. I wish I would have told his BW sooner. I wish I would have just divorced WW instead of bothering with R.
Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 35894
| Posted: 2:44 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
We were sitting on opposite sides of the room when he confessed and I jumped up and ran at him and kicked him in the balls. I had never done anything like that before and will always regret that I let myself behave like that.
After that I calmed down and handled it as best as I think I could have.
BS me 30
WS him 31 (thankyou1981)
OW 19 year old at his work
Together 9 years
3 boys. 4, 3 and baby.
D-day 20 aug 2011
Posts: 197 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Member # 34478
| Posted: 2:44 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
Nope. I did really well. I started dividing up our assets and she came downstairs and asked me what I was doing. After I told her what I knew and she continued to lie in the face of the facts I didn't kick her ass. Which, naturally, she deserved. Great restraint on my part. I also, even though I had opportunity to do so, didn't pummel OM with a man hole cover until he lie lifeless in the street. Again - great restraint.
I was pretty much spot on that night.
Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
|Topic Posts: 52|