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User Topic: Do you ever wish you had handled D-day differently?
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gawd, what DON'T I regret about D-Day, and so many months after that...

The shock was a huge factor for me, and for many others here. I still have nearly daily thoughts and flashbacks regarding that night... and they all devolve into a fantasy-land of what I would have liked to have done.

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally, I would have told him I knew and cut off all conversation, immediate 180 and filed.

Instead, I tried to beg, plead and reason. What a waste of time and energy.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
♀ Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I was just barely pregnant with my daughter-middle daughter-it was in the middle of the night. I left, bought a pac of cigarettes ) drove to a church parking lot (was afraid I'd punch him in the face if I saw him-which wouldn't help).
And (the guilt from this weighs fifty pounds ) I sat there smoking 5-6 cigarettes and continued for the next few days. Smoking and pregnancy soooo bad. After the first five days or so-I stopped. OF course everytime she gets a cold --I relate it back to smoking.
You know-that was cathartic- that's always been little dirty little secret-I smoked a few smokes a day for a week. Yes, bad. But I'm human, and I nursed all three for a year (while working so pumping), and made them baby food from organic fresh food-I think all and all I did pretty good.
And I bet you guys did too.

Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on 08/25/2009

Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I'd kept his phone, wish I'd thrown his shit out the door, wish I'd called OW from his phone & told her to expect him, wished I'd have filed the next day.

Wished I hadn't wasted the last 3+ years expecting him to morph into the person he so clearly isn't.

On the plus side, should I ever find myself in this sitch again, I know how to handle it.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long story, sorry.

I really do wish I had. Its supposedly an EA only not a PA.

I felt things were broken. I had asked him for some time to "talk about us". He put me off for weeks.

One day he was in the shower crying. He'd gotten fired from work because of "her" (not really but how he was handling his feelings for her). He was stuck. He could try and lie to me and give me some other reason he was fired but he was too distraught to do so. So I got to hear all about how in love with her he was and everything.

I told him "awww, I'm so sorry for you, that sucks" when I heard that she acted interested then wasn't because she was married.

I told him I understood how it would be tempting to fall for someone who made you feel special, who acted happy to see you and all that kind of stuff. I had nearly done so myself. But I said "no, I want these nice things from the person I took vows with". I explained this to him.

So then the next few months only became a bigger battle. He'd totally twisted things in his head that I was the enemy and all I did was try to forgive and show I could understand.

I should have thanked him for being honest and shut the hell up until I had time to go away and think and maybe get some IC.

Its been a year since that first confession but I'm still feeling like its all brand new because we've gone no where over the last year.

I've been busy because I decided I wasn't working myself into misery anymore taking care of all of us and went back to school while I work.

He doesn't care enough to make an effort. He thinks it should be "forgotten" and we should "move on".

I'm now trying to squeeze some IC in with summer school. I hope things get better from here and I can at least talk over what I'm thinking and working on decision wise before rushing ahead and being foolish more.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I wish I had taken the phone and read the content of the texts. Now I can never know the extent of his involvement with those skanks.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yes, I confronted within an hour. He was able to hide so much after he knew what I had found.
What I wish I had done...Kept my mouth shut and gathered the evidence I need to make my decision. Cleaned out more than half of the accts. (he spent $200K+ on affairs). Then got an attorney and filed for divorce. I knew on dday he would never fight for the marriage. Once he made up his mind to find a replacement, it was over for us.
Too bad my emotions and I still loved him got in my way.


It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only, ONLY thing that I wish that I had done differently, was to have copied off everything, and I do mean everything, on his phone and computer. I took a representative sample (which still left me with loads) but now, I wish that I had gotten absolutely everything.

Other than that, no. My confrontation was strong, accomplished it's objectives, and frankly, kicked ass and took names.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4938 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge regret since I could have gotten arrested & thrown away a 27 year career.

I found out via her phone call. I then called him while i was at my DS's house 60 miles away. When he confirmed it I don't know why, people tried to stop me, I jumped in my car to get to him. Did I mention I picked up a bottle of vodka on the way there/

Yes I cracked when I was about a mile away OMG!! All I think is if I had cracked it earlier - well I don't want to think about it.

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the only thing I regret is handling the 2nd DDay the way I did. I should have kicked him out, filed, worked on myself for 6 months and THEN think about possibly recovering with him....

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, heck yes! I immediately reacted to what I saw. I stomped out to his home office and confronted him. At that point, I feel as though I handed over some of the control of how things would go, and I wish that I hadn't. If I could do it all over again, I would have printed out everything that I had found after doing a thorough investigation and then gotten my ducks lined up (visit to L, money taken out, etc.) before I ambushed him with divorce papers. I suppose that would have been messier and harsher in ways, but I think that a little more shock and awe would have allowed me more power over the situation.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much like everyone else - I would have demanded he log on to his email account and changed the password. I wouldn't have handed him his phone back after I confronted (I read almost a years worth of texts before I woke him up). I would have kicked his butt out right then and there. Had I done those things, I may not have been lied to for 6 months and maybe his fog would have lifted sooner.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes!!! I wish I hadn't been such a weakling. I read a post last week that described exactly what I wish I'd done. I should have been direct and unwavering and said he had 24 hrs to come clean with everything and then insisted he get into ic or mc and hand me that fn phone that I hate with mt entire being. I was so afraid he would choose her that I didn't want to push yo hard for fear f losing him. I wish I had found SI sooner. I handled it probably as wrong as possible. I panicked and thought foolishly that I could wish it away and things would go back to normal. How
naive is that?
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/j I notice a lot of us mention the cell phones. I have this fantasy in my head where I grab the phone, jump in my car, ans park in secluded area and spend hours going through it. It holds the answers to all of my questions
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had bounced his shit into the yard Andries for D immediately. I wasted 2 years of my life waiting for him to nut up and be a man.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ Member
Member # 34809
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have gone to a lawyer FIRST; would have hired a PI to get unassailable evidence of both affairs (And whether there was any more).

I would have hit him HARD and FAST. And, then waited.

As it was, I did okay. He came home to all the kids gone to dinner with the sitter, me throwing his emails at him, and his suitcases packed on the bed.

I just wasn't ready for him to refuse to go.


DDay #1 03/07/2011
DDay#2 04/08/2011
Four Children
2 DS 13, 9
2 DD 11, 6

In Recovery

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well given a do-over I would have dialed back the "bat shit crazy" and gone more with a "hurt but dignified" approach. But hey.. you work with what you've got.

I remember long before d-day my MIL saying to me that nobody should ever fight in front of their kids and if we were ever going to fight then to call her and she would come pick them up. I kind of just rolled my eyes inwardly.
But on D-day? Exactly 30 seconds after I got my confirmation I called and said "Remember when you said ... well come pick the kids up because we are going to fight and you'll be lucky if I don't kill your son."

So I at least had the presence of mind to have the children picked up. After that is a blur.

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44968 | Registered: Sep 2006
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay 1 I should have investigated more, but DDay 2, I should have kicked him out and gotten a D immediately.

Here I am 4 years later, many DDays and TT and totally depressed and trying to get ME back.

We all have to heal whether we are R or not. But it takes longer to heal with an unremorseful WS.

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have so many regrets. I wish I had took the time to read the texts and send them to me. I wish I demanded passwords. I wish I kicked him out again when I discovered he was lying to me again. I think we all have regrets. Like anything if only we can go back and handle things differently.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I wish I had handled things differently, but I was in stunned shock and couldn't even speak for about 30 minutes. I just kept saying to myself "I knew it, I knew it..." I let a lot of opportunities to get more truth go by. But that'll never happen again, SI has taught me well...

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"

Posts: 9756 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
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