SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How many of us block memories or dismiss good memories because of X? How many of use can no longer rely on what those memories told us because of X?

I have literally blocked 20 years of memories because of my X. Because he insisted that he was unhappy, because I don’t know whether my happy memories reflect reality. But mostly because those happy memories are now painful because of how callously X discarded them.

The 90’s were good years for us. I KNOW they were good years. But now, they are just worthless memories. They are meaningless. I don’t trust them any more than I trust X. And so I throw them away or I block them.

5+ years out from dday, this is what angers me the most. There are lots and lots of things that he did in the past 5 years that sent me into a rage. Hell, I lived in a rage for the better part of 2 years! But after all the dust has settled and I am as “healed” as I am gonna be, this is what pisses me off. All of my lost memories. If not for our remembered past, we are no better than cockroaches.

I now have no confidence at all, that what I thought my marriage was, was real.

I have no idea what was truthful, and what as not.

What really happened during those 23 years.

Whether or not I even knew the truth, and how much of it was built on lies.

I have no confidence at ALL, that I can even trust the "good" times, as if they were really good. Or whether I was being lied to, or betrayed, even then.

It's like living two lives now. Not one.

And I have written it off, as best I can, with the understanding that I will never know the whole truth.

-Defiance

And I have written it off, as best I can, with the understanding that I will never know the whole truth.

Oh yeah. That is the best way to describe it!

It turns out my ex was so not-present in the marriage and family that most of my memories for the past 10 years at least don't really include him. The kids and I did an awful lot of stuff together though, and I put together a lot of holiday celebrations over the years without much help. I'll still cherish all those memories.

I know what you mean about the memories. I know there were good ones but somehow they don't mean anything. It is like they didn't happen. Almost like I am missing time in my life.

I also find it harder to believe the happier times now. If I had all that wrong then perhaps the good stuff now is not as real as I want it to be too. Kind of messed up.

It's weird, but this post has made me realize that I no longer want those memories; they are tainted, and I'm happy to let them go. I'm looking forward to new memories.

I never was a picture taker before the A's; I preferred to keep the memories in my head. Now, I take pictures all the time! Breaking away from stbxw asshole has freed me to create a new life and perhaps a new happiness. This is so weird; I never thought about this until just now. Thank you, Dreamboat!

I have thought a lot about this - a lot. And for what little it's worth, here's my two cents:

I know that there were many loving times in my marriage. I know that the love we shared was genuine. I know that certain special moments were genuine. And I know that each of my children were conceived in love.

Mixed in with all that is the shit.

But I am not willing to throw out the good with the shit. That's a big difference between me and my X.

I am also 5+ years out from dday. You are not alone. I have thought about this a lot also.I blocked so many memories of our life together because they were too painful. There must have been some good memories in all those 25 years but it feels the bad outweigh the good. My XH was a non present alcoholic who was always working.I was alone with my children a lot but I don't remember having fun because I was always worrying about the H or angry that he wasn't with us on holiday for instance. I am making new happy memories but it is hard work. I expect it to get easier in time. (((((Dreamboat)))

FR

It's been five years since the D was final for me. And I KNOW that there were good memories. There was love, but the difference could be that my XWH admits it also. He never tried to re-write the history of our marriage.

However, I don't cling to those memories, even the good ones. Life is going on right NOW. I make memories every moment I'm alive. I try to concentrate on the present and appreciate it because I know now more than ever, that tomorrow is uncertain.

NL

((((dreamboat)))

I'm right there with you, dream.

We've known each other since high school so there are 32 years of history that are questionable and that are best forgotten.

Defiance summed it up perfectly.

As screwed up as my 20 years of M were (only XW knows how many of which were tainted), I place value in them.

If nothing else, those years were valuable in helping me mature into a stronger, healthier person. Recovering from the betrayals has been powerful avenue for growth. Those years were not meaningless.

Like FO4, I hope to be able to sift some untarnished gems from the years of wreckage, especially all those moments with the children.

i struggled to reclaim any happy memories in my marriage to XH.

i felt much like inconnu--

It turns out my ex was so not-present in the marriage and family that most of my memories for the past 10 years at least don't really include him.

DS12s memory book is full of pics with his dad--i'm not present in the pics, but my hand is all over the book because i was behind the camera and i put the book together.

when i look at anything that made me smile between 1995 and 2004, it was mostly involving my ILs, my immediate family and DS.

it's weird. everything he touched feels tainted to me--the one exception that keeps me from feeling that the M was a waste of time is DS.

(edited: cuz i messed up dates)

[This message edited by ooie32 at 7:42 AM, September 9th (Thursday)]

The price we pay is high. I don't know how many OMs there were. I don't know when the cheating started. The last 20 to 25 years of my life was a lie.

I can relate to questioning what was true vs lie. Feel like a brainwashed prisoner for half my life!

I can dwell on that or release it. It's HARD to release it. I am determined though.

It turns out my ex was so not-present in the marriage and family that most of my memories for the past 10 years at least don't really include him. The kids and I did an awful lot of stuff together though, and I put together a lot of holiday celebrations over the years without much help. I'll still cherish all those memories.

This is my experience as well. I have racked my brain trying to think of moments that were special to me that were just the two of us. I can't think of any. My happy memories that include him were all about us as a family unit not a couple. He has also made it clear that moments that I thought were precious meant absolutely nothing to him. I projected my own values and rewards onto him and since I valued there memories I thought he did too. Boy was I wrong.

I've been struggling with this since d-day over two years ago. I immediately lost all memories of us. It freaks me out to think about it because that is 22 years of lost time. I mean no good memories, no bad memories. I've been living in "real" time.

I thought it would wear off by now, but its the same. I just simply don't remember a thing.

I'm 5 years out too DB. Our best years were from '88 to maybe '92 or '93....after that much of what I remember is loneliness...and crazy-making lying, gaslighting and bullshit. There were happy times in between, but in hindsight, it wasn't all that great. I trust my good memories are correct and am comfortable with my truth-his version no longer matters.

I had the realization recently that aside from the first year after dday, I have never felt as alone as I did during the time I was with him.

It almost feels like the last 34 years don't exist sometimes, like they weren't real. I know that the beginning 25 years or so were very happy. But I can't stand to look at wedding pictures, etc, knowing that he gave that all away. He gave away my future, and some of the time, it feels like he gave away my past.

I treasure my kids and the good memories. But the wedding pictures just hurt. We're still dividing stuff up, so it's still raw.

But it hurts so much to know that, after all those good times, I simply didn't matter enough to him to keep him from dissolving into his fantasy world.

He gave away my future, and some of the time, it feels like he gave away my past.

That is how I feel too