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I just fielded a frantic call from the oldest daughter. Seems that both my mother and my aunt had given her sorority jewelry that they considered heirloom. She did not, and she does not have the pieces any longer.

I refused to step in. I wasn't there when they were given, I wasn't there when they had the exchange about them, and I did not raise my daughter to be callous about things that had significance to others.

I fully expect my ex to defend her. Too flipping bad. CatKid1 is 21 nearly 22. She understands responsibility. She needs to take some. Now.

Cat

Ok, I'm confused. Did she give the jewelry away? And what did she want YOU to do, anyway?

I don't know, because I am not feeling well and repeatedly asked her what she wanted me to do, and when that didn't go anywhere, basically said, 'Look, I never touched the stuff, I never talked to your grandmother or great aunt about the stuff, I feel like shit and this is your deal.'

She's not happy, but I can't run interferance when she screws up. This is her gig.

Cat

She did not, and she does not have the pieces any longer.

And did she tell you just what the fuck she did with them? I am sure she has a good enough memory to recall that.

I agree cat. This is her gig. Time for her to own up.

-D

I didn't stay on the phone long enough. I feel like hell tonight, and this is her battle to fight. I'm down with a non-specific infection and a 103-degree fever.

Cat

Well, I am sure you feel like total shit with a fever like that. And, I agree that this is her responsibility.

No WAY should you or anyone try to mitigate. She needs to pony up and admit what she did.

-D

You were/are sick, so don't worry about it now.

Did she want you to defend her? Or was she looking for advice?

Either way, I'd refuse to step in, but advise her how to approach it with the gmother/aunt. (y'know, like you do here!)

If the items in question were gifts to your daughter-- why are your mother and aunt demanding to know what she did with them?!?!?! When you give a gift, it is without strings etc. Sure, we teach our kids to "respect" someone else's generosity etc. But, if there are strings attached they should be stated upfront-- not sprung on your daughter at some later date.

Even more so since she is an adult-- she is free to do as she likes with any gift given.

My mother does this repeatedly gives gifts to me and my children and then later asks what happened to the gifts, why isn't such and such a gift displayed, why wasn't the outfit she purchased for my girls worn for such and such ocassion. That's not a "gift"-- that's an obligation and the recepient should be informed of the terms of the obligation (and be allowed to decline).

She's not happy, but I can't run interferance when she screws up. This is her gig.

Totally agree.

Time for her to put the big girl panties on.

Ugh, Xena does that. My mother bought a $500 camera and Xena borrowed it.

We've never seen it since. My mother once asked me about the camera and I told her I didn't know where it was. I asked Xena and got the run around which means she lost it. Probably left it at a friends house.

I told her she had to tell her grandmother what happened to it because I wasn't going to.

I have no idea what she told my mother and neither of them have mentioned it so I won't ask.

Was this jewelry given as gifts or was it loaned?

If the jewelry was a gift I have to agree with TodayIsANewDay viewpoint.

I can imagine the family dynamics are disturbing for you, your mom and aunt taught you responsibility and you taught it to your daughter, now she has not been responsible and, it sounds like, is trying to get your help in smoothing over the loss. Good for you for setting the boundry, next time she accepts something that could have meaning to another person, she will probably be more considerate.

I'm sorry you are feeling sick. I hope you get a good nights sleep.

I hope you feel better.

I hope you feel better soon Cat.

As for running interference... it's not your job anymore... she's a big girl now.

I applaud you for stepping out of it.

Completely agree with JRC and hope you feel better soon.

((((hugs)))

She's not happy, but I can't run interferance when she screws up. This is her gig.

Absolutely. She is in her 20's. She may have not understood the significance of their value to her relatives. If ti was a miscommunication that is hers to figure out and resolve. If it was a total FUBAR on her part, that is hers to own and resolve. If it was that she did not care about their stuff until they asked about it, that again is hers to own and resolve.

I think that the only thing you can or should do, is that once you are no longer sick try to find out the story. And then hammer home that all actions have consequences and she needs to deal with the consequences like the adult that she is.

Feel better soon!

This will likely be a learning experience for her. FWIW I think you are right, she needs to field this one on her own. You are her mom so she will try to drop it in your lap if she can, but it's probably best if she learns this lesson on her own.

(ETA.. That is really easy advice for me to give, but I know it's much harder in practice)

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 6:40 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Well, here's my 2 cents. Ordinarily, I would agree with TodayIsANewDay...BUT I was in a sorority and that type of jewelry isn't something you just give to someone without an expectation in return.

I would be shocked if your mom/aunt hadn't talked to your DS about BEING IN THE SORORITY as well. My thought is that there had to have been a talk about it. That kind of stuff isn't just something you pick up at the department store...

I am keeping all my sorority jewelry for my DD. She won't get it unless she pledges my sorority.