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Reading a few self help / recovery books and there is a lot of language around not playing the victim or viewing yourself as a victim which I struggle with.

I understand wallowing in self pity is not useful, but as a BS, I can't help but feel that I am the victim in this situation. I also continue to feel that way every time I am triggered or when he gets defensive or avoids talking about his affairs.

It makes me wonder if the only option for not feeling like a victim is leaving. Or has anyone stayed with their WS and found a way not to feel like a victim?

I think it's helpful to differentiate being a victim in the macro and in this instance. Being the victim in the macro is living a life where it's just, "woe is me, I'm unlucky, can't catch a break..." and life kinda plays out accordingly in that mindset. In this instance, however, you ARE the victim. You were victimized and betrayed by your WS and the AP. And it's OK to feel that and assert that as a condition of moving forward. That means that in reconciliation, the WS needs to recognize themselves as the perpetrator against the victim, and act in a way that shows they are truly sorry. It's ok to demand that.

But it also helps to recognize all the areas where you are not a victim in life. In your work. Your physical fitness. Your confidence. Role as a parent. Your character and the choices you make that demonstrate and maintain your dignity. And when you take stock of those areas, it's easier to approach the WS, yes as a victim, but not a helpless victim. You have options. You see the value you bring to life and can have confidence in your ability to make it regardless of what choices WS makes. You are better able to draw a boundary that either prevents being victimized again, or clearly defines the end of the marriage if it were to happen again. And I'm saying all this and have done none of it myself. So, I'm certainly not speaking down to you. I've let myself be victimized again and again and again and again. But I do think I've finally hit the place I'm describing. I've picked myself back up and regained my confidence and no longer feel helpless and optionless. Took a lot of time though, and only time will tell if I'm for real or this is the bravado of a paper tiger. I hope you're able to find that inner strength and remember who you are and the value you bring to the universe. The betrayal of our closest ally does not mitigate or erase that value and worth.

Thank you for this reply 1345Marine. Beautifully addresses many points I have been wrestling with and helps me better understand the path I should be heading towards.

It is still very hard though. For example, I know I have options but neither feel ideal at the moment - they are just choices I now have to make because of WS' behavior.

Wishing you continued strength in your journey.

This really winds me up. You ARE the victim. If he'd hit you or raped you there wouldn't be any issue around being Frank about that

YOU ARE THE VICTIM

Victim:

a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

Target. Injured party.

A person who has been tricked or duped.

That is what you are.

WSs often like to twist things around to make themselves the victim, but they're not.

If, you, over time begin to act helpless or passive as the victim then that's yours to address. But it's also your right to be the victim.

I WAS the victim of my H's infidelity, but as soon as I found out what was going on I took immediate steps to STOP being his victim. I found a lot of power in righteous indignation and I think I used it very wisely, thank goodness. I set boundaries and I guarded them fiercely, and I had a great MC as my backup.

Don't get me wrong - I was scared to lose my H and I was really scared of the financial aspects of D, but I just didn't have it in me to play second fiddle or take his crap. I'm really grateful for that, because I know - and H knows - that it truly saved my marriage.

Like MCC said, we ARE the victims of our WSs. There's no way around that. It just is. But we don't have to remain in the victim position.

BS are the victims as infidelity is abuse full stop. I wasn't able to stop feeling like a victim as my xWS was a serial cheat, NPD and not remorseful. Leaving did help me in overcoming that.

If you stay with a WS who is putting in the work you go from victim to survivor and survivors are strong because we overcome the abuse inflicted on us. Hopefully your WS can become not defensive and understand what this does to a person. Maybe he should read Cheating in a Nutshell, that will give him a good idea how a BS feels after infidelity.

I wasn't able to stop feeling like a victim as my xWS was a serial cheat, NPD and not remorseful. Leaving did help me in overcoming that.

There are some WSs who are just flat-out sociopaths, and there are some BSs who are stuck with those WSs due to financials or other practical reasons. I know that I'm lucky that I wasn't married to a sociopath, and I know it's a whole different ballgame when you are. I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through that, and incredibly impressed by the ones who overcome it.

Stephen Karpman has written about the 'Drama Triangle', which ahs 3 roles: Persecutor (sometimes called
perpetrator', Victim, and Rescuer. There's a difference between 'victim,' a real life victim of other people or circumstances, and 'Victim,' a person who takes on the role, rather than the reality. A lot of Karpman's stuff is available for free on the 'net.

One big difference is that 'victims' stay in pretty close touch with their feelings. They know what they're feeling, and they make decisions based on what they perceive, think, and feel ATM. 'Victims' filter their perceptions and decisions through their sense of what others do and have done to them.

It takes time to process the real pain of victimhood out of one's body. I wish there were a time limit, but it takes some of us longer than it takes others - and the nature of the betrayal doesn't always dictate how long it will take. If you're feeling pain - anger, grief, fear, shame (and especially grief, fear, or shame) - you're probably processing your victimhood.

If you're 'perseverating', you're probably in the Victim role. One way out is to ask yourself, and answer: 'What am I feeling?' Then deal with the feeling.

I think it's safe and even healthy to acknowledge that you ARE a victim in your spouse's infidelity. You had no knowledge and choice in their actions and yet, you were the one that was hurt the most.

I think the trick to not feeling like a victim perpetually is to acknowledge that you get to choose exactly what you will accept going forward. The cheating was one way your spouse hurt you and certainly the triggers are an inveitable consequence of that, but if R is not going the way you like or if he is not treating you well or refusing to support you in the way you want/need when you are triggered, well that is a new and separate harm that YOU get to choose whether you will accept. You have control over that.

I think the issue is that victim mentality leaves us feeling like we have no control anymore. That’s not true. A BS needs to heal themselves, no one can do it for us. If we feel like we have no control, how can we heal? I’m reading a wonderful book "Living and loving after betrayal" by Steven Stosny and he says it so much better than I do. The insults to us and the way we feel are totally valid but if we don’t adapt a healing identity rather than a victim identity, we can’t move forward.

This is a difficult topic, especially for the newly betrayed spouse/partner.

I think the way it needs to be viewed is as follows: that you became a victim is entirely beyond your control. That you remain a victim is entirely within your control.

Of course, refusing to remain a victim is normally a process, and it's ending is often ambiguous.

I wish you the best of luck.

I think the way it needs to be viewed is as follows: that you became a victim is entirely beyond your control. That you remain a victim is entirely within your control.

A much more elegant way to say what I tried to.

Thank you for all the perspectives. It is definitely a process to work my way out of this and I am getting tired already.

I WAS the victim of my H's infidelity, but as soon as I found out what was going on I took immediate steps to STOP being his victim. I found a lot of power in righteous indignation and I think I used it very wisely, thank goodness. I set boundaries and I guarded them fiercely, and I had a great MC as my backup.

Thank you SacredSoul33. I am trying to do these things consistently but ironically sometimes asserting my power makes me feel worse (like when I am checking his phone or asking him to change certain behaviors, I just feel sad that this is what our relationship looks like now).

Thank you all for the book recommendations. I have already been reading a lot about the drama triangle as well. I desperately want off of it which is one of the things that prompted this post.

For me the bottom line of it is I am a victim of his LTA. I don't have to subscribe to the victim mentality.

Someone is victimized. Truth. Happens to many in all different ways.

Now what?

Victim mentality: "This should never have happened. Someone needs to fix this!"

Non-victim mentality: "This is horrible. But here is what I'm going to do in my life to recover and feel like myself again."

Hence the "I will not be a victim" mentality.

Yes, it happened. But what are YOU going to do to recover? That is the only power that we have in this life. We cannot control the hurtful, terrible things that can and do happen.

Disclaimer: if you are like me and were raised to fix, fix, fix, then you actually need to take a little time to be sad, to be the victim, to hurt. It's part of the recovery process. My IC used to say, "You SHOULD be sad, OIN. It's actually NOT fair." And I'd bawl my eyes out because I grew up without any compassion from anyone in my family. It was so validating and overwhelmed me with emotion.

When I had taken enough time to hurt and let it drain from my soul naturally, THEN I started the process of taking my power back.

We need to grieve.
And then we need to take control over our own happiness--with or without those who have wronged us. Get on board or get left behind.

Best wishes.

Pained123

I understand wallowing in self pity is not useful, but as a BS, I can't help but feel that I am the victim in this situation.

Check out the narrative in my profile, on the attributes of survivors.

In the big picture of the universe, we control 0.00001% of everything that happens. Car crashes, asteroids, cancer, cheaters, tsunamis, genetics, country of origin, etc. We just control our actions.