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Hi y'all. I've been off SI for a few weeks, giving myself a mental break and enjoying my life [which has been going well].

But for the past few weeks, my old 2am friends Panic Attack & Anxiety have decided to pay me a visit. Every night for the past few weeks. I wake up panicked, struggling to breathe, sometimes crying. I've been known to walk around the house looking for something to explain this. I've stook outside in the night chill to feel something other than panic. I haven't had this since around the time we had to send the C&D two years back.

There is no rhyme nor reason. I have no active fears nor suspicions. WH has been open, honest and transparent (and I've checked everything). But he's noticed my struggles. He's initiated conversations (bringing it up himself). He's reassured. He's been delicate and supportive. At this point, him I trust. LTAP - never. And when the attorney calls her a Bunny Boiler (for all her cyberstalking and creating fake profiles to attempt to reach out after years) - I tend to believe him.

The only thing I can think of is it is my birthday month and my birthday is a whopping huge trigger. For those that don't remember after DDay1 but before the final DDay where I discovered they'd gone underground and then exposed to OBX finally he throw me an elaborate milestone birthday party with all my friends and family. The next day went to watch football with some friends - I even packed up party leftovers. Only to find out from OBS that LTAP was in town that weekend and WH admitted when confronted that he wasn't watching football with friends, but holed up in a local hotel with LTAP watching football in bed while picnicking in my party leftovers. Since that day, I can't celebrate. In fact, around the first of the month, I just move my age up a digit and call it done. It easier for me that way.

I'm thinking that this month is the catalyst, but it hasn't' hit me like this in years. I do have an emergency Rx of Xanax for when those Panic Attacks hit hard from out of nowhere, but I don't like to take them unless it is an emergency or a one-off type scenario. This is recurring and I don't want to make that Rx part of my nightly routine.

I've got lots of notes and such for my next IC appointment. And will call my GP if things get worse. But any suggestions from those who have BTDT especially after a long period of not having them. And when life is going well [again]?

Hi Chaos

I just wanted to drop by to say I completely understand. We are on a similar timeline, 4.5 yr affair and even a bunny boiler AP.

Last night I was awake most of the night. I was alternating between anger (what sort of monster are you to have done this?) and anxiety (is this my life).

My WH threw a blockbuster milestone birthday party for me too. He gave me lavish presents and professed profound gratitude and undying love all while carrying on with two APs.

Most of the time I feel like we are reconciled. I am happy. I love him and hope he has done enough work on himself to value what’s important in life. However there are scars and probably always will be.

This morning he said he would never ask for forgiveness. I looked at him thinking what do you think that would even look like. I’ve given what I’m capable of - I have reached acceptance.

I know I don’t want to be with anyone else and I like my life but there are scars. I wish most of all this never happened but it did.

The only thing that that works for me is to remind myself that it is not happening now. My current life is authentic and good and I try and focus on the future. If I allow myself to dwell in the past I feel like I’m walking through a murky swamp. It doesn’t help me.

I guess I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and you are not alone.

So sorry you're having issues with panic & anxiety. When you were going through the time that you had to get the C&D, you were really having a rough time. Really rough. Because it's only about 2 years from the C&D, maybe your brain is still on high alert during your trigger time saying something is wrong. I think you're correct in connecting the two. Our brains are something else.

I haven't had to deal with panic & anxiety, but I do have to watch for depression. I can feel it creeping up about 6 weeks prior to Valentine's Day. (XWH has a birthday near then & AP came to visit. The PA started shortly after.)

No real advice, but wanted to let you know that you've been heard.

{{Hugs}}

I’m so sorry your birthday has been ruined.

My H ruined our 25th anniversary and his birthday (it was his 50th that year) due to similar circumstances you experienced with your birthday.

But for some reason it doesn’t bother me at 2am. But I don’t look to celebrate or anything either. Even after 10 years it’s just another day.

I think you are doing what I did for years for the days leading up to dday1. I was a mess. I anticipated it was going to be a bad day blah blah blah. Then Dday rolls around and I am fine with it.

Sometimes we relive the pain to remind ourselves not to get too comfortable. I know that is what I used to do.

Do something other than give in to the anxiety. Have a cup of tea or read for awhile to distract yourself.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

For me, this event is Valentines Day. Day before VD, she told me she was in love with OM, and I was a piece of shit. Then gave me a VD card the next day (yea, it was a wild ride).

For many years, this was a painful reminder day. I got a card for her and just signed it-so it would look normal for the kids. Zero feeling.

BUT-this year we had started to put things back together (finally). I gave her a card and expressed my hope for the future.

I am never going to look forward VD. It will always have sadness. But, it did not define my life. I am a great guy. I am active, healthy, a great lover, a loving guy, a super dad. In spite of the shitty thing FWW did, I still love her.

Maybe a birthday card to your FWH? (I know it’s your birthday). Tell him you hopes? Fears? Sounds like he is working on R.
Don’t let that crappy birthday define your life.

Hi Chaos. That's some trigger! Have you considered celebrating your birthday with some close friends (that are trustworthy and haven't betrayed you). Shopping, a salon day, a nice lunch or dinner (with cocktails😁) yup, it's time to reclaim it with your tribe. Your WH could maybe stay home and do something constructive (hopefully for you!) He should have no problem with you enjoying your birthday like this since he royally screwed up the milestone occasion. Just a suggestion.

It's that lizard brain standing watch. I just passed my 4 year antiversary of Dday and it went better than any of the previous years. I did have occasional emotional spikes leading up to it but it went by with a meh.

You have been heard and glad to see your H is supportive and trustworthy

Hear you & feel you on the b-day! No real advice because it’s sounds like you’ve thought through your options pretty well. As an outsider it is hard not to wish for you that you could get a little celebrating in. If you don’t feel in a place to let husband do it, couldn’t you celebrate yourself? Maybe that isn’t where you are at, but you sooooo deserve it. Sing happy birthday to me and light a candle on a cupcake? Maybe some day. I hope you wont take offense if I just sang you a special silent happy birthday song in my head.

It sounds like birthdays are a common one based on the responses you got.

Me too. My dad left my mom to move in with his AP on my 11th b-day. I can remember saying to him « thank’s for the birthday present dad! » as he walked out the door. Sounds like a hallmark movie. My husband let his supposedly fired AP secretary come back to work behind my back on my 44th b-day.

I guess we are all betrayed b-day brothers & sisters. I wish you peace & serenity. Good you try to limit the Xanax despite the panic attacks. But, in a pinch that’s what they’re there for.

My favorite mindfulness tool is the one where you identify the five senses. Like take three deep breaths then identify three things you can see that are a particular color (for example green), then close your eyes, then identify three things you can hear (the fan in the room, your husband typing on his keyboard, whatever), then three things you can smell (the candle you put out earlier, etc), then three things you can feel (the chair under your seat, the air on your skin? Whatever you notice), then three things you can taste (the cookie you ate earlier, your spit, whatever it is) then take three slow breaths again. Then your done! Definitely not a cure all, but it probably wont make things worse.

I tend to like the meditations that are a bit idiot proof, cause I’m kind of an idiot when I’m anxious. I also find counting down from 1000 backward tough to go wrong with. Frequently I just fall asleep midway through.

Best to you during this tough month