After doing a lot of reading over the past few days, I've decided I may aswell share my story in hopes I'll find an answer from some internet strangers that I can't seem to find from anyone I know personally.
We're now a fair few weeks in so a lot has happened. This may be quite long and jumbled - I'll happily fill in any blanks or explain any confusion in my replies.
We have been together (unmarried) for just over 9 years and share two children together (7 & 2). He also has older children from a previous.
On July 17th this year my world shattered when I found out that he had been having a physical affair with a woman at work.
To add insult to injury it was my Mum that actually had to deliver the fatal blow.
The OW had been trying to contact me on Social Media, on an account I haven't used for years. When she got no response she decided to seek out my Mum and inform her instead
OW sent a message to my Mum saying that they had been sleeping together for around 3/4 months and sent a screenshot of their messages to eachother. My Mum immediately flew round to mine and told me.
I called WS immediately and told him to come home, pack his things and leave.
He instantly tried to downplay that it was just messages before coming clean and admitting. Went to stay at his Mums.
In order to try and cut out my Mum from the equation I asked for OW's number and called her that evening when I was alone.
OW told me that WS told her he had been sleeping on our sofa for a year, that our relationship was over and the only reason he was still living at our house was because he was tied into the mortgage, that he worked outside of his day job as a debt collector, amongst other random stories which I'm sure I'll remember as I continue to post.
She knew all about his family (parents/siblings/older children) Personal/painful stories from his childhood, the fact his daughter is expecting later on this year, his mums health struggles etc.
I kept my cool and corrected her when necessary, we do not and never have had a mortgage, we have rented the same house for the last 8 years. He has never worked as a debt collector (i personally found this hilarious- is this some kind of bravado lie??)
To which she responded saying she feels she doesnt even know him, and that she was shaking and felt physically sick..
Hang on... SHE feels sick?!
She explained she only questioned it when she had asked him to go and see her during his week off work and he sent her a photo of a smashed up car (supposedly his) as an excuse not to go. She then found the same photo online and got suspicious.
I asked her why she had chosen to 'out' their affair now and her response was 'I'm pregnant'
At this point I put down the phone as I couldn't bear to hear any more.
She tried to call back a few times which I ignored.
The following morning I receive 81 screenshots from her of their sordid messages to eachother, sexual, flirtatious conversations amongst some bickering between them. (Upon re-reading the screenshots over the coming days I noticed from dates and context that it hadn't been going on for as long as she said - maybe 6/7 weeks). Again I didn't respond.
Then around an hour later she sends a text (contradicting her earlier story that me and WS were separated)
Her text in short read (very innelligably) that her and all of her 'nabers' -(neighbours) know that me and our children are his world. That she never thought in her 36 years of life she would need to have a termination but she feels its for the best. That she's never been with a taken man before and that she hopes I find some 'closer' - (closure). Again ignored and blocked
You can see the sort of woman I'm dealing with here
Myself and WS arranged for him to come round in the evenings when the kids were asleep to try and have a discussion about the whats and the whys. He explained he had slept with her 5/6 times and that he had ended it (whatever 'it' was) a few weeks before and that she had been harassing him with messages/calls since.. He answered a few of my questions, but I was still too raw to want to hear it I think. I went from wanting to know every gory detail to not wanting to know. He kept trying to protect me from deep details which tbh in hindsight would have made no impact and probably made me feel worse. It was just a giant sh*tshow.
Over the last month(s) He has been remorseful and promised it won't happen again.
But I'm really struggling with the trust. Everytime his phone pings or he walks out the door my heart drops.
He tells me to look on his phone but me trying to be the 'bigger' person so to speak, refuses.
I think in part because I want to try and hide my paranoia both from him and probably myself. But also in part because I'm fearful of what it would do to me if I did find anything.
He has moved back home and we've been trying to work through things as best as possible. However I feel that our version of working through things is me putting on a facade that I'm fine when inside I'm not and him trying to rug sweep anytime some kind of level of confrontation arises. He takes accountability for what he has done but also says that a lot of the story that has come from her side is bull****. I just don't know what/ who to believe? Tbh I don't believe either of them.
I get he doesn't want to keep going over it but it doesn't go away overnight. It arises over the silliest of things. It's becoming a minefield trying to work out how to move forward and keep things as normal as possible for the kids, whilst still trying to focus on my own healing.
I have a few days where things are great and I feel level headed and then it hits me like a ton of bricks again, resulting in false pretences, snide comments and ultimately yet another argument. He senses the shift in my mood and asks whats wrong, I bring up something we've probably already discussed 100 times and then he loses his temper. This seems to be the recurring theme at the moment. It's like he thinks because we've had discussions, that it's spoken about, dealt with and forgotten.
From reading a lot of posts on here I can see that their is no 'right' way to greive/heal/cope but I just don't see any way forward, I can't seem to get away from the triggers, or intrusive thoughts.
I've found myself reading the post on here 'honey they always affair down' every morning just to try and give myself a boost to get through the day.
He says he doesn't know why he did it, she put it on a plate and he crumbled..
I found out only last week that WS had plans to propose to me when we go on holiday later this year, backed up with evidence he had on his phone of rings etc dating back to before the affair. So you can understand my confusion. How can you be planning to propose to the person you love and yet be swayed to sleep with someone else so easily?
To add.. WS works/ed in construction so he was assigned to rennovate properties on her street. So yes he was checking more than just her pipework
He actually lost his job a couple of weeks before I found out about the affair for reasons unrelated. So that has been a blessing and a curse. Financially we've took a major hit which hasn't helped stress wise and plus we're under eachothers feet as I only work part time but positively he's away from her.
I have had no contact from her since she was blocked and as far as I am aware neither has WS.
I have no idea if she is/was pregnant or whether it was just a woman scorned but I have physical nightmares of her turning up at my door with a baby in (x) months time.
This sounds so jumbled but I'm trying to cram as much info in without going on too much, will happily fill in any blanks as they arise.
I just need some advice/support in knowing what to do.. what I'm even doing currently.. because at the moment it feels as though I'm just going through the motions of day to day life not knowing what to trust or believe.
[This message edited by MovingOnCautiously at 1:26 AM, Sunday, September 3rd]