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Reconciliation :
It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future


 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 3:48 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

I’m coming up to 22 months post DDay next month. Next month will be hard as this is when my wife’s affair started.

She is putting in the work and we are still working at fixing our marriage. But I feel that maybe I should be in a better place by now.

Her affair is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I hate the way it makes me feel.

There are times when I see here laughing with my daughter, just getting on with life. Why does she get to sing and dance and have fun while I’m left in the dark black hole. It feels like so much of my life has changed since the affair 2 years ago. It feels like my life is falling apart. I’m losing my mum as she is in the last stages of dementia. My daughter is about to leave home and move away to university and my marriage is badly broken. My life use to be so simple and feel like I had everything. Now I feel like I’m losing what was my life. It’s not what it used to be.

My wife shows me love every day. She apologises. But sometimes it feels like it’s not enough. Her AP now has a new partner, but how do I know she doesn’t still hold something for him. She isn’t thinking about him and what they use to had.

I know that I will never know that she wont do it again. But that doesn't stop me hoping that as some point I will get some feeling that I know she has learnt by her mistake and wont hurt me again.

I just don't know how to get through the next few months. I remember these feelings last year at the 1 year mark, but I just see year two as being different.

The feelings have to start to fade and get slightly better at some point don't they?

It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future

[This message edited by p12241342 at 3:50 PM, Friday, February 17th]

posts: 113   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8778259

Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 4:26 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

I’m so sorry P.

You’ve been in a lot of pain for a long time.

Don’t really know what will help you but I may know one thing.

How do you know the AP is with a new partner?

If the answer is social media stalking you should probably stop that.

It’s not healthy. Block him from view.

Everyone you look at him sets you back.

You are not in immediate danger I think you need marriage counseling.

I hope at least you are still in counseling.

Take care of yourself.

posts: 125   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8778275

Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 8:38 AM on Monday, February 20th, 2023

I hear you. Bottom line, none of us are guaranteed anything in the future. I took for granted that all promises would be kept, that we’d grow old together. There is no guarantee. In the end, marriages always end. Either in D or the death. It never occurred to me prior to the A. So, I’m trying to have the best time I can in the time we have together. And some days that means acknowledging the horrible, painful parts….as well as the good.

Hang in there.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 337   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8778561

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:22 AM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

This is very normal, the dust settles and you see everything for what it really is. In fun & games is the quote thread. This one really hit home for me during that part of the journey page 16 from Underserving:

The thing is, I know I’d be ok without him. It’s the being ok WITH him that is taking work....

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 2537   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8779428

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:18 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

The thing is, I know I’d be ok without him. It’s the being ok WITH him that is taking work....

I truly believe that once you get to the first part of this quote, it makes the second part much easier.

How many times do we hear a member say that they can't even imagine living without their partner? That the fear of that thought alone is paralyzing? I know that I felt that way in my earlier days post-discovery. Children, finances, can be overwhelming.

But when you know that you will be okay with or without your partner, it gives you entirely new possible outcomes. Fear is replaced by a knowledge of being aware that we might be unhappy for some time if we don't get the outcome we desire, but it isn't the end of the world. We now are making the choice to stay and try by no other motivation than that is what we want.....not what we feel we have to do. Choice can be a very liberating feeling. It gives us some say in the chance of a future failure. We CHOSE to stay and try. That was what we wanted. We had other options, and were well aware of them, but did what we wanted.

And we were aware of the risks....this time....heading in.

BH-50sWW-50s2 boysMarried over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4236   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8779461

78monte ( member #72572) posted at 4:03 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

When I was on my second year, I think it all sunk in as to the extent of what my wife did. I found it the hardest year to get through.
What you're feeling is normal.
All of what you said, resonates with me.
Take care of yourself, feel your feelings, share your triggers with your wife, let your wife know how you're feeling, post here, pm another betrayed man, don't do this on your own. Many of us know how you feel and what you're going through. Don't feel you should be through this by now, you have experienced what may be the worst trauma you have ever been through and may be the worst trauma you will ever experience. It will take you as long as it takes, to get through this.
Also, your wife did not make a mistake, she made a choice to have an affair. She did that of her own free will. Nothing you ever did or said to her, made her do it. It was her choice.

posts: 3478   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8779551

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:28 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

The feelings have to start to fade and get slightly better at some point don't they?

Very definitely! The thing is up to YOU as to when that will happen Dear Sir. Science has shown that our neuropathways can become a "rut". It then becomes our "go to" place as a routine. What we think about the most is where we go to the most in times when our mind isn't focused on something else. Change your neuropathway and you'll change where your mind wanders to.

Having said all that...there were times when nagging feelings came up about certain things. I didn't ignore those feelings. I learned to ALWAYS trust my GUT!! I would ask questions. If I still had those feelings...I would ask again...maybe in a different way. I found that when I found something that FIT in this puzzle that was a life I had no idea I was living...those nagging feelings would go away. Our lizard brain is pretty incredible in having us FACE these experiences that our logical brain overlooked!

It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future.

Good point. You will soon be losing your Beloved Mum...and your precious Daughter. They were "comforts" to you...and things won't be the same with them not being around in your life like they were (((HUGS))). The M that you knew is gone forever. Every A destroys the M.

These are all scary things to ponder. Something that helped ME was writing down what I wanted MY LIFE to look like going forward. I wrote down ALL kinds of things...if it was something I WANTED...I wrote it down!! It was actually quite a FUN exercise that started making me feel better...WIN-WIN!!

Then I tweaked things up a bit and came up with...I wanted a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. I then told my H what MY life plan was. I told him that IF he wanted this too...GREAT!! If he didn't...I would find someone who would!! My H heartily agreed with this life we started on this NEW journey...TOGETHER!! When we would hit a roadblock...we would readjust to get back on track...and go from there.

You will drive yourself CRAZY thinking about ALL the "What Ifs" in a future scenario. Especially since you can ONLY control what YOU do. It is time to do just that!! Think about what you WANT your future to look like...then work toward making THAT happen. I read once where most successful people envisioned being in the situation they wanted way before they ever became successful...and worked their way right into being where they wanted to be. That made sense to me!

You could ask your wife if SHE would want to be a part of it...and y'all can move forward from there. Or you can just work on yourself for now. It truly is all up to YOU as to how you want to move toward your future!! NONE of us can change the PAST...but we can sure take steps to go toward the FUTURE we WANT to have!! Take the reins on your present Dear Sir...and guide your way into the future that is NOT scary...but AWESOME!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6447   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8780258
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