Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 10:08 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Okay, what if anything do I respond to this ? I know he feels super guilty because he was really was cruel in the reveal of his 3-year EA and PA and then birth of OC. My problem is he is rightfully feeling so guilty and is always being very nice because he knows he did something very wrong. I got a lawyer right away and filed for divorce within 3 weeks. It's been 3 weeks since he was served papers and I just need to wait another week for his response and financials and I'm sure everything is going to change. But, for right now his behavior is confusing me more because no matter how angry I get sometimes he doesn't say anything back or get defensive. Most the time I've been way too nice when I seen him (which has been OFTEN) . Thank goodness it's been 10 days since I've seen him and I made him take all of his stuff out of the house finally! I did go a week without any communication. We've been together for 37 years and married for 32 when he dropped the bomb on me that not only had he been cheating on me that his OW gave birth to their child that morning. I know I should be super angry and I try to keep reminding myself he's not your friend and if he cared anything about you he wouldn't have treated you like that. He had so many times to come clean and I even asked him a few times but, for several reasons I did not think that he would have chosen this woman that knows us very well and has told us she was not into men. He's a liar and I really shouldn't believe anything he says. Anyway how do I stay strong until we move into the next phase of the divorce process? I did read the 180 but to me it seemed mostly about reconciliation. Someone said there is a modified version somewhere. What's the quickest way for me to find that so I can print it out and read it every day?
Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!
knockedforsix ( member #31383) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Firstly let me say how sorry I am that you are here. I can’t begin to understand how destroyed you are feeling right now. Infidelity is despicable but to wait until there was an OC for you to know about it….well that’s a whole new level.
I’m guessing you are like I was and at some level are just wishing this is some sort of nightmare. However it’s not. Your WH did a monstrous thing to you for three years. He is not your friend and his niceness and sending you birthday wishes is more about making himself feel better.
My advice is don’t respond in anyway.
Me BS 54Him WS 60Married 17 years together 20D Day 1 13 Feb 11D Day 2 30 July 17Shattered
ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:24 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Agreed with Knockedforsix, no response IS a pretty good response. As they say in the Separation/Divorce forum, "no contact = no new hurts. Cheaters often want to "be friends" after they've done their dirt. If you're still their buddy, it couldn't have been all that bad, right?
I'll be honest, I don't have any kind of soft spot for this guy, so it it was me, no contact would be taking the high road. The low road would be telling him exactly (and in graphic detail) where he could stick his birthday greeting.
In all actuality though, your best bet would be to imagine any communication you have with him being read back by the family court stenographer and then give him crickets. If it helps, journal it or put it in the "Stay No Contact - Post It Here" thread. I bumped it, but you can also find it here... https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=623527&AP=LastPage#mid8756107
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:18 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
Crickets. No response....and please, please don't communicate with him. As far as the divorce goes, you can communicate through your attorney.
Troutman523 ( member #80426) posted at 1:32 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
I have been No Contact now for a month with STBXW and it is certainly helping my demeanor. She did try to text me a news article about ten days ago "thought you might find this interesting". I ignored it. I thought I made it abundantly clear to her awhile back when she brought up possibly having a "family" Christmas with me and our sons, in the vein of "we can be friends" so she can feel like she's not all that bad. Shot that down too.
Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 3:46 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
Ignore him. He’s trying to paper over the rancid cesspool of his awful behavior with a token polite gesture. He wants to feel like he’s not the bad guy.
On a more general note, what is up with these cheaters who leave their spouses in the most spectacularly awful ways wanting to be friends? It’s a pattern I have noticed in my own social circles as well as this board. It’s like you stabbed someone in the back, and as they’re bleeding out you’re like "Hey, we should do holidays together! I want us to be friends!" And then when the person you’ve treated horribly doesn’t want to be friends (shocker!), you act like the relationship breakdown is on them. After all, you’re the super magnanimous person who’s totally fine with being friends with your ex. I do not have enough eye rolls and swear words for this behavior.
Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling
countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 4:26 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
Ignore is the best approach. My ex tried to continually engage me in text conversations and remain "best friends." I told her that I hoped we would eventually be friendly (which we are now) but we would NEVER be friends again. We have 3 adult sons, of which two live out of state/country, so when they are here we have to communicate and coordinate schedules.
3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021
Ivory ( new member #52026) posted at 6:09 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
If he hadn't wished you a happy birthday, would you have been disappointed or thought him more of a heel for not wishing you a happy birthday? That's probably what he was thinking.
Ivory ( new member #52026) posted at 6:15 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
You ask how you should respond.
In the near future, your parting comment should always be: Don't forget to stop and buy diapers!
Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 6:16 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
Thank you everyone for your advice. I have been trying my best with NC. I went a week without emails and that's the longest I've gone without NC in the 7 weeks since the "big reveal" of PA & OC. I did have to talk to him about a Health spending account card for the kids. He has changed his address to hers with his job so they were mailed to her apartment. Luckily, he put them in the mailbox and it has been 10 days since I have had to see him!!
Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!
VezfromTaz ( new member #80815) posted at 8:38 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
I havent read about 180, but I assume it is similar to the grey rock or (a bit friendlier but still arms length) BIFF method?