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Newest Member: Goku06

Reconciliation :
9/13/14– 8 years is now a lifetime ago

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 psychmom (original poster member #47498) posted at 3:53 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

The start of Fall always makes me recall DDay1, the day I finally had to face the reality that my H had been living a lie for over 3 years, and life as I knew it was never going to be the same again.

It really is true that healing from this type of wound takes years, even under the best of circumstances. Our reality is challenged, we suddenly see our partner as a stranger, everything we had believed about our relationship has to be examined and questioned. The physical and emotional toll of this level of betrayal is something I could never begin to imagine until it happened to me.

And happened to me it did! But I was fortunate to have one solid girlfriend who held me up and likely saved my life more times than she knows. And then in April of 2015 I stumbled upon this website, and joined the best club nobody wants to join. 😊. The people here who had walked in my shoes and knew so much more about what I was going through and what inevitably lay ahead of me than I did. I found here a place to rant and vent and say all the horrible and scary things I felt inside that I didn’t think anyone would listen to without thinking I was nuts or pathetic. At various times I likely was one or both, but people here got it, and helped me make sense of so much that made no sense to me at the time.

On my 8 year anniversary, I salute SI and the people who make this site a safe space to heal, to hurt, to find whatever it is we’re looking for. For me, I wanted to find peace again. I wanted to jump off the emotional roller coaster way before that was possible, I wanted to stop the obsessions and incessant mind movies. I wanted to own my own mind again. I finally did, with a lot of help along the way, but it took over 3 very long years to crawl out of that darkness.

There is hope for a good life once you make peace with the past. It takes time and work to sort through the puzzle pieces and put that sucker back together again. But it can be done.

I’m at peace. I forgot my DDay and had to check my signature for the date 😉. There was that time I thought I’d never forget, never heal. But I have. And I owe much of my success to SI and the good folks here. I’d name names but I’m sure I’d forget someone, so I’ll resist. If you’re new here, I wish you the very best. And I’m so sorry you’ve found us. But this really is the best place you never thought you’d have to come looking for. If you’re among the old timers, thank you with all my heart. Keep doing the good work.

For the record, we’re still married, he hasn’t cheated again as far as I know, and our marriage has improved from what it was leading to DDay. The DDs are grown and living their best lives, and we’re inching toward retirement. The past is behind us, and that’s a very good thing.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4268   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 8754999
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1345Marine ( new member #71646) posted at 11:02 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Thank you for this. It's the encouragement I needed this morning. I'm very happy for you.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Virginia
id 8755013
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:02 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Thank you. It’s good to hear that.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 230   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8755014
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 12:57 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Wonderful update and encouraging post for the newly betrayed.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2914   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8755020
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:14 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

What a WONDERFUL update...thank you so much for sharing grin !! What an INSPIRATION you have been to all of us...giving us all an insight into your life and your journey in getting back to PEACE smile .

I never thought I would forget my Dday either...but I had to think about it this year too laugh !! That danged four letter word...TIME...can be a Blessing at times. Although...at my age...it is more likely dementia laugh !!

You know there is ONE more thing you should do...right laugh ??!! With all of the POSITIVE stories you have written in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread...THIS one will be the icing on the cake blink .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6233   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8755022
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 2:15 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Nice work!

You asked a lot of really good, tough questions along the way regarding events at Psych HQ, and that really helped me on my path forward.

Finding peace on the other side of pain is my favorite part for you and (and any of us who get there), thanks for the very awesome update!

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8755026
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:50 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

So happy for you, Psychmom! smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5927   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8755030
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 3:35 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Congrats dear lady!!!!!
You did heal yourself. I told you could.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19509   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8755036
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:22 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Nice to hear from you, PsychMom. And so happy to hear things are going well. Thanks for the update!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4966   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8755166
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 psychmom (original poster member #47498) posted at 1:05 AM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

Good to hear from you 1345Marine, Grieving, zebra25, Want2BHappyAgain, Oldwounds, ChamomileTea, tushnurse, and BearlyBreathing!

Some names I recognize going back many years, and sadly, new ones reminding me that this is a story as old as time itself. But you're in a safe and good place to work on healing and putting your life back together.

I'll get my post added to the Positive Reconciliation thread, Want2BHappyAgain!! Your enthusiasm and positivity are so admirable! And you told me many times, Tushnurse, that I WOULD eventually heal -- at the time it surely didn't feel like that was possible, but you're a wise woman who tells things as they are! Thank you for all of your support over the years smile

The years in the Psych HQ (aka Ward) forced me to ask and answer a lot of uncomfortable and hard questions, oldwounds. I appreciate that my ramblings and searching were helpful to others along with myself.

Thank you to all who responded with well wishes and words of thanks.

In Peace,
Psychmon

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4268   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 8755307
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HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 1:23 AM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

I am so very happy to read your update Psychmom. You sound strong and full of peace.

❤️

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4776   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8755310
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 2:11 AM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

Congratulations! Thank you so much for sharing!

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 269   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8755318
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

THANK YOU grin !!! It put an INSTANT smile on my face when I looked at the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread and saw your username there!!! You made my day grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6233   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8755390
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hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 11:49 AM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Coming up on 10 years in November.

"There is hope for a good life once you make peace with the past"

This sentence says it all.

Thank you for this update and here's to peace!

me-BS him-WS3 adult childrenmarried a long timeLTA 2010-2012D-day - 11-2012 status - reconciling and very hopeful

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."

posts: 2880   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2014   ·   location: sunny california
id 8755488
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 12:42 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Pathetic? Never. NEVER. (This is actually more a message to folks who are new here than to you.)

Nuts? Well ... life would be too boring without a little bit of ...um... uniqueness. smile

It's very good to hear from, especially with good news.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:43 PM, Friday, September 16th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8755493
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 1:17 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

psychmom, thank you for this post. I remember how appalled I was when I first read it takes at least two years to heal. I thought that was way too long and was sure I could do better. Trickle truths and false R taught me otherwise. I'm in year five from DDay1, and about a year and a half out from the last of the disclosures, so maybe I should allow myself a little grace.

Now, when I read your eight year journey, I wasn't disheartened, but hopeful that healing is possible, especially for LTA survivors who were a little late finding the SI support. So thank you so much for this update and the positive message I needed very much to hear.

It's easy to get caught up in the doom and gloom of it all, especially when I keep reading in the JFO forum, which can be a painful reminder of all that has happened when so many stories keep repeating themselves. I can get caught up in the hurt and negativity of what was lost or isn't working and I'm trying to do better on that front. I wonder, is there anything specific you can point to besides this site, that was helpful in your healing journey? Any recommended books or therapy techniques that stand out? I know there are no quick answers, but I want to know I've explored all the possible outlets for reclaiming my own peace of mind. Again, thank you for the positive update and wishing you the best moving forward.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 431   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8755495
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 2:41 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Awesome to feel better and I too salute this site. I actually forgot the year of dday 1 and had to check. Hard to believe - impossible really.

"Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human." - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1877   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8755835
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 10:03 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Congrats psychmom and thanks for all the great insights - you helped me so much in my toughest of times.

"There is hope for a good life once you make peace with the past"


This^^^^^^^

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2831   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8755883
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