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Reconciliation :
Brain Teaser

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 MegMeg (original poster new member #79978) posted at 4:48 PM on Sunday, July 31st, 2022

I find it chillingly cold if he can simply say "thanks and goodbye" to her and that it…..Seeing people as disposable is not a sign of a mentally healthy person.

This! The above was said by Bigger in response to EmptyGlass’s JFO post. This is exactly how I feel about my WH, a man who has been having one or two year-affairs with different women for over decade, having met them on EHarmony or such. These women were single and looking for a real relationship. They, too, were duped. They gave up a couple precious years hoping to foster a real relationship. How can anyone be so callous and selfish? If true, I have only compassion for these women.

Also, if true, how can I remain with some so callous, cold, and calculating? He gave them a fake name, said he was single, yada yada. But how could they have believed all this malarky? Wouldn’t they have checked him out, wanted to meet his friends and family, know where he worked, see his LinkedIn account? Yet, to me, he seems so genuine in his desire to stay married. He’s done with affairs, committed, blah, blah. He’s caring and concerned, he reading the books, he’s so sorry. While in his presence, I can’t really feel my own disbelief. But within an hour of being apart my head is swirling with the conflicting messages. There is a big disconnect here and I can’t put my finger on it.

It’s been six months since Dday. I am only becoming more confused, at his behavior, as well at my own. Why can’t I see his true being? Why would I stay with someone I know to be so cunning and manipulative? Why do I believe there is a good chance at reconciliation when I now know him for what he is? Why don’t I feel he is being cunning and manipulative towards me? It’s like looking at the old lady/young lady picture. Each version is true and compelling, shutting out the other, but at a second glance, the other version appears, just as true and real.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 50   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8747824
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:13 PM on Sunday, July 31st, 2022

I can't tell you whether or not your WH is being real with you, but do I believe it's possible to compartmentalize and use other people? ..yeah, I do.

I think intent matters. Your WH sought out these relationships, same as mine did. His intent was about getting what he wanted from these women, be it external validation to a needy self-esteem or entitlement regarding more or varied sex. There was purpose in the search and that search had no impetus regarding the object of it. IOW, the 'who' didn't matter as much as the 'what'.

We tend to lose our sense of being special to our WS after the betrayal, but I do believe that we ARE different to other women in the minds of our WH's. Their intent with us may, or in some cases may not, be virtuous, but we are NOT "other" in their minds and we never were. We may at times be objectified, but weirdly, at least for the remorseful WS, we are not objects in the way that an AP is an object. We are a different thing.

Even in cases where there was no active search for an outside relationship, there's still something similar, a sort of passive intent, inside the WS which is open to cheating, and that kind of self-involvement can work in much the same way. It's like a giant void, a gaping, needy hole just waiting for an AP to fall through. Again, it's more about 'what' than 'who' because it's serving an interior purpose, to spackle up one's inner cracks with PEOPLE. shocked

I've come to believe that in many cases, we are different to that. Not always, of course. But where real and meaningful R is concerned and with the kind of WS's who are capable of recovery, than yes, our value is different than that of the AP.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:19 PM, Sunday, July 31st]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5750   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8747834
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 MegMeg (original poster new member #79978) posted at 10:45 PM on Sunday, July 31st, 2022

[This message edited by MegMeg at 11:30 PM, Sunday, July 31st]

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 50   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8747841
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 MegMeg (original poster new member #79978) posted at 11:28 PM on Sunday, July 31st, 2022

Thank you, CT, for your input. You’re spot on with the "needy hole" in his sole and his compartmentalizing and using people. That’s a lot of spackle and well beyond my wifely resources. And maybe the wife/spouse/partner is of a different value than the string of APs, and maybe I am special, but that’s not enough. I don’t know what name to put on it, but his behavior is abnormal. These are his issues to own and deal with. Once again, you’ve given me a lot to ponder.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 50   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8747844
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:06 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

My H had fantasies of sexually using strangers...but only women who would "give" it to him willingly. The only thing was...he never told them that was what he wanted them for rolleyes . He advertised for NSA sex while working in that country. There was only ONE woman who agreed to that though. When he first saw the adultery co-conspirator...his thought was..."She'll do" duh .

As we discussed this...he said he liked the "objectifying" aspect of using them. But he told me that he could NEVER do that with me because he couldn't humiliate me like that look . It disgusts him NOW to think that what he did to me by having his A was WORSE.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8747885
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marriageredux959 ( member #69375) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

I can't tell you whether or not your WH is being real with you, but do I believe it's possible to compartmentalize and use other people? ..yeah, I do.

I think intent matters. Your WH sought out these relationships, same as mine did. His intent was about getting what he wanted from these women, be it external validation to a needy self-esteem or entitlement regarding more or varied sex. There was purpose in the search and that search had no impetus regarding the object of it. IOW, the 'who' didn't matter as much as the 'what'.

We tend to lose our sense of being special to our WS after the betrayal, but I do believe that we ARE different to other women in the minds of our WH's. Their intent with us may, or in some cases may not, be virtuous, but we are NOT "other" in their minds and we never were. We may at times be objectified, but weirdly, at least for the remorseful WS, we are not objects in the way that an AP is an object. We are a different thing.

Even in cases where there was no active search for an outside relationship, there's still something similar, a sort of passive intent, inside the WS which is open to cheating, and that kind of self-involvement can work in much the same way. It's like a giant void, a gaping, needy hole just waiting for an AP to fall through. Again, it's more about 'what' than 'who' because it's serving an interior purpose, to spackle up one's inner cracks with PEOPLE. shocked

I've come to believe that in many cases, we are different to that. Not always, of course. But where real and meaningful R is concerned and with the kind of WS's who are capable of recovery, than yes, our value is different than that of the AP.


[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:19 PM, Sunday, July 31st]

Geezus, Woman, you just defined my whole damned marriage.

I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.

posts: 538   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2019
id 8747967
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 4:25 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

I think there’s some wisdom and reality to what CT says—that some wayward spouses have two different categories for their spouse vs. their affair partner(s). The spouse is more important; the AP is disposable.

But I also think there’s something abnormal, unhealthy, and ethically wrong with a person who treats people as disposable, especially when that comes in tandem with deliberately duping them. Someone who is fine luring people into relationships under false pretenses IS calloused. There’s some level of moral bankruptcy, selfishness, and willingness to deceive in anyone who has an affair, but a calculated willingness to trick someone to lure them into a relationship seems like a particularly glaring red flag to me.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month emotional and physical affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020 (soft evidence followed by a month of lies). DD2: 7/3/2020 (hard evidence, truth, started reconciliation journey).

posts: 190   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8747995
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marriageredux959 ( member #69375) posted at 9:21 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Upon further reflection, I have to take my previous comment back.

Husband was spackling cracks and filling inner voids and treating anxieties and avoiding conflict with people pleasing and avoidance.

A couple of very strong and manipulative personalities in his life over years latched onto that and used him, not the other way around. They were women. I don't know if that in particular was coincidental or entirely significant.

He was not romantically nor sexually involved with them and they had nothing to do with his infidelity.

Chamomile Tea's response resonated with me because I felt displaced in my own life and in my own marriage by these women for decades. I felt like I was stuck in a job description and the only way I could change it was to quit the job.

But the dysfunction was coming from a completely different dynamic.

My bad, sorry for the thread jack.

I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.

posts: 538   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2019
id 8748014
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