I just read your previous post titled "Reconciliation Rollercoaster" and I must say it sounds like you recently found out some pretty big stuff about your FWW A that would put most BS right back at square one! I think your FWW needs to realize this and do whatever it takes for however long it takes for you to properly heal. If you don't get it right this time it will just fester under the surface and reappear down the road.
My situation has some similarity in that the A was many years ago (FWH ended it in 1983 and confessed to me in 1986) and I was recently severely triggered and still recovering from that. I realize now that we both did rug sweeping in '86 and moved on with our lives. He made major life changes including giving his life to God, stopped partying and became a dedicated family man. He has never since given me any reason to doubt his faithfulness. Still last September something he said triggered me and I was instantly back in 1983, the year of his A and I was crushed under the pain of the reality of what he had done. I for the first time got mind movies, my brain had shut it down back then and I couldn't allow myself to face what he had done. Now I couldn't unface it, I felt like I had time traveled. My husband was worried about me because I was so off balance emotionally and he had never seen me in such turmoil. We also went thru HB which we had not done in 86. I ask questions for hours and hours, days and weeks, months. Its 9 months later and the questions have mostly stopped. Any new information I gathered was actually 'less' damaging than my imagination had filled in the gaps the past decades. This was the first time he saw how much damage/pain he had caused me, it was also the first time I saw HIS pain, which I desperately needed to see. We are both Christians so praying together and for each other has been HUGE in this process.
I am an obsessive thinker, I found myself thinking over and over every detail 24 hours a day. It was consuming and destroying me. I think I reached a point where the thoughts were making me physically ill. I realized I had to do something different. Would I walk away from my 43 year old marriage from my husband who has been faithful the last 39 years? I could. I have reason to. So the choice is mine. My husband has done everything I have ask of him, he writes down answers, he answers questions 15 times if I ask them, he lets me vent and he takes accountability for it all, he owns it all. He asks me if I need to talk about it, he hugs me when he can see Im struggling. I guess I reached a point where I was sure I had all the facts I needed, I had clear picture of what had happened, I let myself feel the pain, the anger, the devastation ( I still feel all this but not to the degree I was months ago). I ask myself, is this how you plan to live the rest of your life? My husband can only do so much for me. I am the only one that can stop the thoughts of the past from domininating my mind, my life, sucking away joy and happiness, I am the one who decides to chose to stop them or continue. And let me tell you this isn't easy as you know. Its not just saying "ok Im not going to think about it anymore", no it takes work to make the thoughts stop. You have to take control of your thoughts, it takes action, it takes consciously making a choice and moving in that direction. The more you think the same thoughts the more that path in your brain gets worn and it becomes the path of least resistance. You have to counter that by denying those thoughts time in your brain so that path becomes less worn. make sense?
So you do things to stop the thoughts, I literally say out loud sometimes "STOP" I also replace those thoughts, I tell myself things like:
He hasnt been that man for nearly 40 years
It happened I can't change that but I can chose to be happy
I can choose to give it no place in my life (its always part of your history but doesn't have to be in your face)
I give thanks for all the good things
I give thanks to God for saving my husband
I give thanks to God for forgiving ME of things I have done
I remember our children and grand children
In other words: gratitude
I recently found courses online that are helping me a great deal too, I can PM you with the name if I can figure out how to PM LOL
Forgiveness is important, it doesn't mean you are ok with what happened, it means you release that person from YOUR vengence.
I dont know if any of this is helpful, I havent written on here much so Im not good at putting my experience down for others.
I understand your pain and Im' sorry we are here
[This message edited by Definedbygrace at 11:53 PM, Friday, July 22nd]