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Reconciliation :
Compartmentalize or Monogamous Infidel?

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 Livingingrief (original poster member #79723) posted at 6:39 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

My Hs A was with a friend/ neighbor. We both knew his AP and her H since we were kids. When the AP and her H moved next door to us, I never would have thought this would happen. Especially because my H always said how he hated how his AP acted before the A. Anyway, ny Hs A lasted 3 months. The day it became sexual was the day my H cut it off.( He says he felt gross after sex and didn't want to continue.)
I have did alot of reading about compartmentalizion and Monogamous infidels. I'm trying to figure out how my H was able to have an A right under my nose. We all used to hang out with each other so I cannot comprehend how he didn't feel guilty while in his A. How was my H able to be around me, his AP and her H ( his friend)? Did my H compartmentalize or did my H detach from me? It literally makes me sick how many times I think back to us all just hanging out and not knowing what was happening. How was it so easy for my H to not only betray me but also betray a childhood friend is his? How am I ever going to be able to respect him after this double betrayal?

posts: 55   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8734719
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:56 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

It is possible your selfish H just really enjoyed the thrill and ego boost of it all. He ended the A after the first physical encounter — so that triggered some guilt or remorse in him.

But leading up to the physical encounter, he loved the thrill of the chase.

It reminds me of the dating "you always want what you can’t have".

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11864   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734842
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I’m afraid you are looking for answers here because the one person who can actually give them to you refuses to do so.

Your questions on this and other posts break my heart, because they reveal a betrayed person desperate for answers and meaning, and a wayward spouse who doesn’t have the character, respect, or commitment to the relationship required to give them.

Sadly, I think the most meaningful question in your situation is what is the best way for you to create a meaningful and fulfilling life for yourself in the wake of this betrayal.

I’m so sorry you’re in this place.

posts: 132   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8734859
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 5:14 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I'm trying to figure out how my H was able to have an A right under my nose. We all used to hang out with each other so I cannot comprehend how he didn't feel guilty while in his A. How was my H able to be around me, his AP and her H ( his friend)?


This is who your H is. He has no qualms about making plays for your friends. This is not the first and likely not the last he's made a play for one. You know of two incidents. Stop assuming he's as ethical or moral as you. He's not.

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. -Dr. Mayo Angelou

posts: 1122   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8734872
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