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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Am I Deluded?

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 Cheeks5927 (original poster new member #80306) posted at 1:37 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

[This message edited by Cheeks5927 at 7:46 PM, Tuesday, May 10th]

posts: 2   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2022   ·   location: Unknown
id 8734508
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:32 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

No, you're not deluded. You thought your relationship was the best, but your WH kept information from you so you weren't able to base your decisions on the whole truth.

Gently, you don't need MC because the M didn't cheat, he did. You have experienced trauma and that needs to be processed. What your MC is suggesting is what we call regarding - because you can't see what's under the rug, it doesn't exist. I would suggest a trauma specialist for you. A betrayal trauma specialist is best, but difficult to find.

Something seems off in his story, so I'm thinking you'll find out there is more. Unfortunately, cheaters are lying liars who lie.

If you haven't already found them, there's a lot of information in the Healing Library, which has a link at the top of the page. There are some pinned posts at the top of this forum. Another word of advice...when people give advice, take what you need and leave the rest.

Try to eat and stay hydrated. See your doctor for any meds you might need, like depression, sleep, etc. Also, he probably didn't use protection, so you'll want to be tested for STD/STIs.

Keep posting.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1072   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8734515
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:47 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

He's a serial cheater. He's ok with lying to you. And you're not "allowed" to talk about it?

He's giving you nothing to work with. The next time he says he doesn't think he loves you,and wants to leave, help him pack.

Get tested for stds. Cheaters lie. And they're very good at it. The chances he hasn't done this before are very slim.

I find it interesting that he confessed. He's probably been sleeping with a coworker,and they were threatening to tell you. So he did,and lied about the circumstances,so he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of having an affair with a coworker.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:48 PM, Tuesday, May 10th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8734525
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 Cheeks5927 (original poster new member #80306) posted at 4:09 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

[This message edited by Cheeks5927 at 7:46 PM, Tuesday, May 10th]

posts: 2   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2022   ·   location: Unknown
id 8734527
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:46 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

So the sort of cheater your husband is, is a low effort one.

He believes he didn't "go looking" to cheat but once the opportunity really presented itself and he thought you wouldn't find out, he jumped at the chance. Then after that it's hard to say he didn't follow a pattern that he knew led to more cheating.

It wasn't a "perfect storm" but a series of decisions that he made over and over again to cheat.

He historically maybe said things like "I can barely keep one woman happy!" Or "it takes too much work to cheat" or maybe others. Not "even if my celebrity crush threw herself at me I would say 'no' because that's the right thing to do".

If he wanted to avoid cheating the first time, he could have chosen to. Instead, he went out drinking and acting single/available. Maybe he even lied and said you guys had an open relationship. Just made sure it was "no strings attached" sex. Once that happened he opened the floodgates.

One thing is for sure, he completely justified his actions in his mind as he took them. Maybe once was a fluke, but then to return and do it again multiple times with multiple women. That's clear intent.

If you want to try to reconcile you should both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Right now a lot of his behaviors are not good for rebuilding.

I'm not sure if he is a good candidate for R or not. He seems to have some of the correct beliefs, but his behaviors are shit.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8734536
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 6:03 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Couple of thoughts
The fact that your spouse confessed to you is a good sign. He is clearly distraught and upset over what he did. Most cheaters will not confess. I’ve learned those who confess have a better potential for reconciliation.
However, the fact that he cheated with multiple women so early into your marriage is concerning. That level of betrayal will be difficult for you to overcome and he needs to dig deep as to why he did what he did.
His actions (not words!!) in the next few months will indicate whether you can reconcile with him. You will need to see him being truly remorseful, contrite, and be willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage he has caused.
You are in shock right now so your emotions are going to be all over the place. It’s impossible to think straight. Write things down. Facts vs feelings. You don’t need to make any decisions. Give yourself time and grace until your brain calms down from this shocking revelation.
Keep posting here.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8734538
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:27 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

This forum is filled with BS who would have said this was out of character for their WS. And everyone was shocked to find out.

His reason for telling you doesn't hold water. He says he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he hadn't told you. Yet he didn't tell you. He told you a small part of the truth. He admitted to one woman. Now you know that was a lie.

He travels for business. He's had other opportunities, and,according to him that's all it takes.

If you are considering reconciliation, he will have to do a ton of work on himself. He will have to find a job that doesn't require travelling. And he should take a polygraph, so you know you have a foundation of truth when you attempt to rebuild. And that's just the bare minimum of what he will need to do.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8734543
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 6:29 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

His "hot and cold" regarding the marriage makes me wonder if he is still in contact with any of these women. That could be one reason for his behavior. One of the conditions of staying in the marriage is no contact with any of these women, verified by you having access to his phone, email, smoke signals . . . ALL of the "tools of the affair."

I would suggest both of you seek IC (individual counseling). Right now, neither of you are ready for MC, and MC will do more harm than good. I would also suggest that you accompany him to the first IC session (which is basically information-gathering) to ensure that he doesn't gloss over or omit pertinent details. You need a trauma specialist that can help you process what he has done. He needs someone who will hold his feet to the fire and challenge him. The MARRIAGE did not cause the cheating, HE caused the cheating for reasons known only to him. He had choices. This was his choice.

He needs to understand that you need to discuss the affair. It's not bad advice that you set time limits or certain days when you address the affair. But you need to be able to process this very large part of your life that you never asked for. The time limit allows you to discuss, but also allows him to know it's a finite discussion.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33046   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8734544
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:36 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Original posts deleted. Not a god sign IMO.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734585
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 4:37 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Dang Cheeks, we are on your team here, I am sad to see your posts deleted. Just know, if you decide to come back, we are here for you. No judgement.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8734700
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Deleting threads is a guideline violation, one that's hard to understand with the editing ability we all have.

At the same time, I think the staff would agree with BigMammaJamma.

Locked.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8734851
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