You seem to be a worrier, like me. I "what if" myself all the time and it drives me nuts! Almost 100% of the time my worries never come to fruition.
On the other hand, and for the benefit of a counter example, mine did. My WH continued to work with his AP and all my what ifs during a period of 4 months post dday were actually real. What if my WH is now having lunch with his AP? He was, they were "friends" and he was supporting her through her heartbreak . What if he goes for walks with her at lunch time? He was, he would leave his phone behind which would track his location and go for walks where they would talk about how hard it was for them but how they need to move on . What if that night he claimed he was working late he was with his AP? He was, she demanded he stayed in a meeting room and had a meltdown (similar to my meltdowns) dialling my number several times and hanging up threatening she’ll tell me they’re still in contact.
OP listen, I’m not saying this to give you additional anxiety and panic attacks. I know what those are. During the above moments I used to spend a huge amount of time in my work toilet cubicles sobbing and feeling like I’m having a heart attack. WH was busy supporting his AP emotionally. 🙄 I’ll be honest: I do not believe WSes that didn’t confess but got caught in an affair are able to end contact overnight if they still work with AP. It’s impossible. In your case a 3 year affair ends over night and they never talk again because the wife says so? The same wife that the WS is capable to watch fading away in pain and does nothing, instead states his job is more important than her mental and emotional health? 3 years is a long time. WSes tell themselves all sort of stories to justify their behaviour.
I’m not saying your WH is having wild sex with his AP as we speak. I’m saying that I find it impossible for them not to have spoken at all "for old times’ sake" during a work trip. I know I would not be able to drop a 3 years relationship at the press of a button just because someone else tells me so. Especially whilst I would be giving myself all sorts of justifications such us "we’re just friends and my spouse already won me" (this was my WH’s narrative, I won him, lucky me, therefore I should have stopped hurting, but his AP lost him, the prize, hence she needed him to support HER emotionally 🙄).
Secondly, I’m sorry to say this but your WS is playing you emotionally like a fiddle (I’m not judging, I’ve been there, it’s so hard to start seeing your WS for what they are after you’ve built your life on a different image of them): he’s using things from the past that he KNOWS you feel guilty about to justify his choices. It’s very low of him. You’ve worked on that and you’re not that person anymore. He could have divorced, he didn’t need to have an affair. "Funny" enough he’s allowed to use that to emotionally blackmail you to remain where he is but not allowing you to vent your feelings.
I’m also going to refer you to a phenomenon: the cheater’s playbook. My WH also used all those excuses yours does to remain with the same employer. All of them. Including the "I’ve worked hard to get where I am, I don’t want to start again" bullshit. You know it’s bullshit. Nobody ever goes back to entry level after progressing to management level. I’ve been made redundant 3 years ago and since then I had two jobs, both promotions. At no point was I told "well I know you have management experience but it isn’t with us so go do some data entry tasks again".
Think of it this way: will you really be ready to accept that your husband’s job was more important than your mental and physical health once you start seeing through his excuses? Are you willing to remain secondary to his job for the rest of your marriage? OP if you saw your husband almost suicidal, having panic attacks, losing weight, unable to function, what would justify you not taken the actions needed to make it better for him? Is keeping your job good enough reason to destroy another person mentally and emotionally, the mother of your kids in particular?
Listen I’m so vehement on your threads because I was you! I’ve lost 15kg in 3 weeks, I had panic attacks and I wanted to die.
OP once I’ve woken up I still accepted for my WH to work there but you know why? Because he confessed to everything going on and I actually told him I’m done. I wasn’t bluffing, at that point I realised that continuing my marriage meant I was damaging myself beyond any form of recovery. I needed 6 months to initiate the D and he decided to fight like crazy. HE put measures in place that showed reassurance and I was losing my job, we couldn’t both be unemployed, I needed him to be able to pay child support once divorced. By that point there was no chance in hell my WH would reignite his A, he went to HR to report the A, he called the police on her when she accessed his employee files (she was HR) and their line managers knew they could never work together. They hated each other’s guts. But I will never forget and forgive the 4 months of hell he put me through gaslighting me he isn’t talking with his AP while he was her support (I couldn’t just abandon her ) and the only reason we’re still married is because he worked his ass off to prove he isn’t that person anymore.
OP please don’t be me, it’s extra traumatising to realise one day, like me, that your value to your WH is less than a job, how crazy is that?