SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just over 3 months post dday.

WH is at a 4 day interstate work conference. AP is there too for the first 2 days. This is a bi-yearly conference for the whole business that has been cancelled tor the past 2 years due to Covid.

I am a fucking mess. Last night is the first night we’ve been apart since he stayed at his mums for 3 wks at the start of the year. I can’t stop the stories in my head and I barely slept last night.

He is messaging me in every break and called me twice yesterday- once before he had to leave for the formal dinner and he stepped out during dinner cos I msgd him and told him I was in a bad headspace.

I have Life360 on my phone but that’s not reassuring at all because she’s at the conference and staying at the same hotel (everyone from the company is staying there).

I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s lunchtime and I’m still in my pyjamas. I feel like I can’t function right now. Just breathing feels like an effort.

It’s times like this that I wish I could just drink myself numb but that would be the last straw for him- our marriage would be over. My drinking has been an issue in the past and he has spent years worrying about what I might do when he’s away for work because one time I OD’d and he came home to find me passed out on the floor. He thought I was dead.

He admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that he can’t go through that again. He said he had boxed away his emotions to be able to get on with providing for our family and hasn’t really dealt with the pain and stress he was feeling. He is going to IC to work on that. He has to learn to trust that I won’t do anything to hurt myself just as I have to learn to trust him again. Drinking again can’t be an option for me. I can’t be the one to end our marriage.

Because travel is part of WH’s job, my psychologist said it’s going to be a little like exposure therapy for me. She said the most important thing is timing and asked if I felt ready. I don’t feel ready. It feels too soon- esp 4 days away. 1 day would be bad enough. I felt like I didn’t really have a choice though. He had to go. Flights and accommodation were booked for him, he has presentations to do every day, it was a non negotiable from his work that he attend this- even more so because he’s been working from home the past 3 months.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next 3 days.

[This message edited by MumaBear1978 at 2:58 AM, Tuesday, May 10th]

You are going to get through it with the support of the folks here and let's hope that your WH can also do the work he needs to help. Look at it this way, I'm assuming that today was one of the first two days that AP was there, so 1 down, 1 to go!!!! (If I assumed incorrectly, disregard)

Nothing we can do as BS can keep them faithful when they are not with us. Is there something that you can do to help take your mind off this? Go to a gym and blow off some nervous energy or maybe something less intense like taking a walk or bike ride? Or maybe treating yourself to a pampering session where you go out mani/pedi/hair done? Hell, maybe you take yourself out for a big chocolate milkshake or your favorite dessert at X restaurant. Sorry, I'm a total dude when it comes to suggestions for fun for women, but I think you get the idea of finding some activity(ies) that you can do to help get your mind off of him for just a little bit and also doing something for your self. You are what is important here and finding the little ways to take care of yourself and show yourself some kindness and empathy is helpful.

Right now, three months out from dday, you're focused like a laser beam on your WS. And that feels natural. That feels like what you ought to be doing. Been there, done that. But quite a bit of R feels really counter-intuitive and yet will bring you better progress.

If you can shift your focus to what's good for YOU and to YOUR recovery, you're going to start feeling better. The reason why it feels so icky being vulnerable with your WH is because you aren't really safe yet. It's too soon for you to be sure of him and he's still in contact with the OW via his unwillingness/inability to change his work situation. The expectation that you should be A-okay with that is mystifying to be quite frank. But in any event, you're unlikely to feel safe until someone you can really trust has your back... and that "someone"... is YOU. You're looking for him to do it, to make you feel safe, but he can't. Only you can do that because right now, you're the only one you're going to believe in. He cheated. He lied. And that history exists now.

I don't know if I recommended to you that you read a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, but I really hope you will. In it, you'll see that the Fear of Abandonment lies dormant in us from infancy, and the same kind of primal need we assign to our mothers gets redeployed in our primary relationship, making us feel like we can't survive without that person. But guess what?.. we CAN survive. That feeling, which is so powerful, is actually false information. We're not babies anymore. We don't NEED like that anymore. We can provide for ourselves emotionally. This book has all sorts of handy insights, and even though it's written for people who have split, I found it the most important thing I read during R.

Vulnerability is important in R. It's important in a healthy relationship. But you can't be vulnerable without becoming an anxious wreck if you don't KNOW that you can handle whatever comes next. You can do that by being there for YOURSELF, by being absolutely in your own corner, loving and supporting the spark of life inside you that is your inner essence. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out your WS's messed up psyche, but that's never going to bring you the equanimity you're probably craving at this point. That comes from INSIDE YOU.

((big hugs)) You got this. Believe in yourself.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:44 AM, Tuesday, May 10th]

I'm half a world away from you and I really want time to fly for you.

I wonder if the first day is going to be the worst and then things will get better. Before you know it, he'll be home and you can ask him first hand how his presentations went.

Being active, especially being outside of the house will help pass the time. You know what your interests are and there has to be something you always wanted to try that you never did before.

With YouTube you can learn to try anything. Could be anything you're into. Maybe it's karate. Maybe it's folding toilet paper fancy like they do in hotels. Maybe it's something on Netflix that you never watched before and now you have the time to.

If you can involve yourself in something pleasant or different, or maybe something that's shockingly not you, you're going to feel that much better.

My wish for you is to have peace and deep dreamless sleep for the rest of the convention.

This situation with these required work conferences and their effect on you doesn't seem to be emotionally sustainable. Your WH should change jobs.

My WH traveled a great deal for his job, usually gone every other week, sometimes more. AP was a work colleague whose office was 3,000 miles away.

When I found out about the A, 80% of his work travel stopped. He told his boss he had some family issues, no problem. I did travel with him on several occasions. In the meantime, he found another job. A better job with much, much less travel.

I don't know how you would tolerate your WH being anywhere near OW. Formal dinner? WHY couldn't he make an excuse not to attend? Not feeling well is perfectly acceptable.

When my WH did travel, he stopped socializing UNLESS it was all men. Women involved, which was rarely, he ordered room service.

Three months is not a very long time to even begin to trust your WH. He should have been more sympathetic to your needs and made every excuse in the world not to attend. I cannot even remember the number of times WH bowed out, sorry, I'm on vacation, not feeling well, mostly when it was team gatherings where women would be present and they'd have to participate in team building activities. He did this for me every.single.time.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your WH and explain that his travel is extremely painful to you. See how he reacts. Can he look for work elsewhere?

Can you let your husband see Anna B’s post here? (Cut&Pasted) Your husband doesn’t seem to understand the necessity of his getting a new job that is far away from the OW imo. Maybe if he saw what another WH has done he’ll see how lacking his efforts have been.

I feel for you and understand your anxiety here. You’ve been given some good suggestions PLUS you can post here when you feel overwhelmed. People here get it and care.

BTW- I find aerobic exercise is a good stress reliever.

Sending hugs.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

AP has left now. My anxiety while still very high has def lessened a bit.

WH has been messaging and calling me in breaks. I slept better last night, still woke a few times but I stayed off my phone and managed to get back to sleep pretty quickly.

I have one of my sons home from school sick so we’ve just been watching movies and silly YouTube videos. It’s helping keep distracted. It’s horrible weather outside but I have made sure I still go on my exercise bike so I’m sweating out some of this nervous energy.

I agree that this situation is emotionally unsustainable. I guess I’m hoping that with time it gets easier.

He has admitted that he doesn’t want to leave his job. He doesn’t have any formal qualifications so its not so easy to just go to another job. He has worked extremely hard to get to the senior position he has in this company and doesn’t want to have to start at the bottom somewhere else.

He is going to return to the office soon. He said he’s only going back 3 days a week and work from home the other 2. He’ll still have to travel sometimes but not too often.

I did say awhile ago that I couldn’t cope with him returning to the office and basically said if he does then this clearly isn’t going to work. He made me feel like I’m being selfish because I’m only thinking about how I’m going to feel. He’s thinking of his career, yes, but also about our family and finances and how this is the best we can do right now.

[This message edited by MumaBear1978 at 3:41 AM, Wednesday, May 11th]

Mine traveled too. It's the worst. The worst. Keep texting. It all comes down to you can handle this or you won't. I didn't trust my traveller but I was waiting to see what he would do. I couldn't ask him to quit his dream job and frankly I think he wouldn't anyway. Those days were awful. The sad fact is that if cheaters want to cheat they will. Can't do anything about it. Free will.

You stay healthy. Don't drink. Won't solve your problems anyhow just make them worse. I wish you could go along too. Why does he have to stay in that hotel. Can't he stay somewhere with you and drive to meetings. It's awful I know. Your mind is going ninety miles an hour. You can learn to trust again but it's a long road. He better be calling you and helping you.

@pureheartkit

He doesn’t really have a say where he stays for this particular conference. There are over 100 people going from all over the country. The company makes a group booking, including conference rooms and dinners. They organise the flights and transfers to the hotel too.

I did go with him a few weeks ago when he had a bit more control over what was happening for that particular trip. It was pretty horrible tbh, I kept having flashes of him staying w AP and had terrible panic attacks. I really struggled to get out of my head and just enjoy our time together.

Travel has always been part of his job. Usually 1 or 2 nights every couple of months. Because of Covid he’s had a few things close together. He has gotten out of a few but it’s not realistic for him to call in sick or make up excuses every time. If we are going to stay together, this is something I need to get used to again.

I’ve never handled him going away well- it was a big reason why I used to drink (it helped calm my racing head and helped me sleep). To find out my biggest fear- him sleeping with someone while he was away- was actually happening combined with not being able to drink those thoughts away makes this more difficult than ever before.

How are you holding up?

How are you holding up?

@20yrsBS-

I’m counting down the hours until he gets home. The days have been bearable but it’s bedtime that is a killer. Mind going crazy with horrible stories- he told me she’s already left and that he said hi the first day (only because he was standing with other people who said hello to her first). He didn’t have any other contact with her besides having to sit through her presentation. Doesn’t stop my mind from going through the what if’s-
What if she didn’t actually go home when he said she did?
What if they reconnected over the work dinner and she ended up going back to his room like she used to?
What if he realizes that he still has feelings for her?
What if he comes home and feels guilty and tells me he slept with her again?

I won’t be able to handle any more betrayal. I feel like I’m at breaking point.

Muma Bear,

You seem to be a worrier, like me. I "what if" myself all the time and it drives me nuts! Almost 100% of the time my worries never come to fruition. Are you in IC? I can truly understand your worries BUT they aren’t helping you imo. Please get some professional help to deal with the ruminating and the trauma you’ve suffered.

Also, do you have your own career you can focus on or an interest that can help divert your thoughts? I also think it’s healthy to have less emotional dependence on our partners. Can you try to begin to separate emotionally a bit from your husband or the outcome?

All of us are cheering you on. No matter what- you will be fine. ❤️

You're being selfish? Where is his concern for you?

If he cared about his job,finances and his family, he never would have had an affair. And he calls YOU selfish?

No. This won't feel better over time. Your husband has no empathy or remorse. Regret..sure. That's not remorse.

Does her husband know?

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:52 AM, Thursday, May 12th]

@Hellfire

He didn’t actually say I’m being selfish, that’s just how it makes me feel when he says he’s concerned about more than just the way I’m feeling.

I have no idea if her husband knows. Their marriage ended before she started the A with WH. If things were as bad as she told WH, he wouldn’t have cared anyway.

I think WH does have empathy, it’s just that he’s been hurt by my actions in the past (drinking, OD, SH) and has learnt to box away his emotions. He came home to find me passed out on the floor and thought I was dead. He’s lived the past few years just shut off from any emotion at home to be able to function and just get on with providing for us. That’s how he’s described it to me.

He has a lot of hurt to process too which he never allowed himself to do before. He is seeing IC fortnightly, as am I.

I think WH does have empathy, it’s just that he’s been hurt by my actions in the past (drinking, OD, SH) and has learnt to box away his emotions. He came home to find me passed out on the floor and thought I was dead. He’s lived the past few years just shut off from any emotion at home to be able to function and just get on with providing for us. That’s how he’s described it to me.

He has a lot of hurt to process too which he never allowed himself to do before.

I've kept an eye on your story and just needed to say this. You keep referencing this a lot. I know this is something serious to consider in why and how he feels, and it's something that has to be worked out intensively, but that doesn't mean your pain from his affair is negated. He can apparently shut off his emotions, but you don't have that luxury. I find it appalling that he can dictate you turning to the bottle again would signify the end of the marriage, but somehow him continuing to work where the OW is isn't a dealbreaker.

Idk, something about this is awfully one-sided and I hope you find peace in whatever form that is.

You seem to be a worrier, like me. I "what if" myself all the time and it drives me nuts! Almost 100% of the time my worries never come to fruition.

On the other hand, and for the benefit of a counter example, mine did. My WH continued to work with his AP and all my what ifs during a period of 4 months post dday were actually real. What if my WH is now having lunch with his AP? He was, they were "friends" and he was supporting her through her heartbreak . What if he goes for walks with her at lunch time? He was, he would leave his phone behind which would track his location and go for walks where they would talk about how hard it was for them but how they need to move on . What if that night he claimed he was working late he was with his AP? He was, she demanded he stayed in a meeting room and had a meltdown (similar to my meltdowns) dialling my number several times and hanging up threatening she’ll tell me they’re still in contact.

OP listen, I’m not saying this to give you additional anxiety and panic attacks. I know what those are. During the above moments I used to spend a huge amount of time in my work toilet cubicles sobbing and feeling like I’m having a heart attack. WH was busy supporting his AP emotionally. 🙄 I’ll be honest: I do not believe WSes that didn’t confess but got caught in an affair are able to end contact overnight if they still work with AP. It’s impossible. In your case a 3 year affair ends over night and they never talk again because the wife says so? The same wife that the WS is capable to watch fading away in pain and does nothing, instead states his job is more important than her mental and emotional health? 3 years is a long time. WSes tell themselves all sort of stories to justify their behaviour.

I’m not saying your WH is having wild sex with his AP as we speak. I’m saying that I find it impossible for them not to have spoken at all "for old times’ sake" during a work trip. I know I would not be able to drop a 3 years relationship at the press of a button just because someone else tells me so. Especially whilst I would be giving myself all sorts of justifications such us "we’re just friends and my spouse already won me" (this was my WH’s narrative, I won him, lucky me, therefore I should have stopped hurting, but his AP lost him, the prize, hence she needed him to support HER emotionally 🙄).

Secondly, I’m sorry to say this but your WS is playing you emotionally like a fiddle (I’m not judging, I’ve been there, it’s so hard to start seeing your WS for what they are after you’ve built your life on a different image of them): he’s using things from the past that he KNOWS you feel guilty about to justify his choices. It’s very low of him. You’ve worked on that and you’re not that person anymore. He could have divorced, he didn’t need to have an affair. "Funny" enough he’s allowed to use that to emotionally blackmail you to remain where he is but not allowing you to vent your feelings.

I’m also going to refer you to a phenomenon: the cheater’s playbook. My WH also used all those excuses yours does to remain with the same employer. All of them. Including the "I’ve worked hard to get where I am, I don’t want to start again" bullshit. You know it’s bullshit. Nobody ever goes back to entry level after progressing to management level. I’ve been made redundant 3 years ago and since then I had two jobs, both promotions. At no point was I told "well I know you have management experience but it isn’t with us so go do some data entry tasks again".

Think of it this way: will you really be ready to accept that your husband’s job was more important than your mental and physical health once you start seeing through his excuses? Are you willing to remain secondary to his job for the rest of your marriage? OP if you saw your husband almost suicidal, having panic attacks, losing weight, unable to function, what would justify you not taken the actions needed to make it better for him? Is keeping your job good enough reason to destroy another person mentally and emotionally, the mother of your kids in particular?

Listen I’m so vehement on your threads because I was you! I’ve lost 15kg in 3 weeks, I had panic attacks and I wanted to die.

OP once I’ve woken up I still accepted for my WH to work there but you know why? Because he confessed to everything going on and I actually told him I’m done. I wasn’t bluffing, at that point I realised that continuing my marriage meant I was damaging myself beyond any form of recovery. I needed 6 months to initiate the D and he decided to fight like crazy. HE put measures in place that showed reassurance and I was losing my job, we couldn’t both be unemployed, I needed him to be able to pay child support once divorced. By that point there was no chance in hell my WH would reignite his A, he went to HR to report the A, he called the police on her when she accessed his employee files (she was HR) and their line managers knew they could never work together. They hated each other’s guts. But I will never forget and forgive the 4 months of hell he put me through gaslighting me he isn’t talking with his AP while he was her support (I couldn’t just abandon her ) and the only reason we’re still married is because he worked his ass off to prove he isn’t that person anymore.

OP please don’t be me, it’s extra traumatising to realise one day, like me, that your value to your WH is less than a job, how crazy is that?

MB,

Would your WS be interested in joining SI and posting on the Wayward forum? This site can be hugely beneficial to a wayward wanting to get help. It might take a while for him to accept that help or do anything with it, but seeking out guidance is a good step. I do understand that some BS do not want their WS reading the same forum that they post in. It's difficult to be open and honest on a forum that you know you partner reads. Also, depending on where you are on the road to recovery, some of the advise given on here with regards to tracking your WS, doing a 180, advice on S or D etc you do not want WS to read. That said, BS and I both read SI and have gained benefit from it. The wayward forum has a few WS well on the road to recovery who can offer a firm but understanding 4x2 to the WS to get their head out of their ass, should they want to.

To the point in hand. My EA was with a work colleague. My affair was discovered in August and I started a new job the following April. All this time I was "looking" for a new job while still working for the same company. My story being different from your WS in that I was in almost daily contact with AP (We agreed that this communication was only going to be professional contact, no phone calls, no text messages, only work related e-mails). I was looking for a perfect job, one that would keep me being paid the same if not more money. This was a huge mistake, BS had to endure eight months of pain while I continued seeing AP and even if we had kept to the above agreement BS had the worry that I could be speaking to her every day, I could be seeing her every day, I could be doing anything. Until I left the company the affair was still as alive as it was before d-day. To the point that on my last day I spoke with her . My mind was in this affair for months after, but getting out of that job was massively important to BS's and my mental health.

Your husband needs to get out of that job right now. He has to make a choice to be in the marriage with you and this choice will have consequences. It could mean a pay cut, it could be a loss in reputation, it could even be a temporary career change. These are the consequences of infidelity. Even if he is not in contact with AP, and he seems to be doing a good job of that, there will always be worries and concerns from you. You will always worry about what is going on when he is away on business. Do you have concerns about e-mails, text messages or phone calls while at work? While he may not be continuing with the affair, it has not ended until there is no possibility of contact from AP. A clean break from the current company will be a big step in ensuring this happens.

Yes, you could go on the work trips with him, but this impacts your job and can be impractical. I rarely travel these days as I have changed jobs, we do however have this agreement in place.

As others have said, three months is no time at all. WS is likely to still be "in the affair" despite his best intentions. While I was in denial for years before I finally pulled my head from my ass (hey I quite often put it back up there as I'm very much work in progress on my own work in understanding and walking the right path). Others on here will testify that they too spent, at least, many months before they could actually break from their affairs (both with direct contact to AP and accepting/understanding what they had done).

Do you know if you've had full disclosure yet? Again, I can only speak from my experience and what I've read on here, but after three months it is unlikely to be the case. Obviously I don't know your case, WS might have been totally forthcoming. I'm saying this because a) getting out of the affair is the only way for any healing to happen. Given that he is unlikely to be fully out of the affair (physically - yes emotionally - ??) then any chance of you or him healing is at the very least a huge undertaking if not impossible. b) Any future disclosure it the BS like a train. It becomes another d-day. More pain and torture for you to endure and effectively writing off any recovery to date.

I read about "breaking the affair" and I ignored it. I was keeping myself in the illusion that I had broken the affair as I was no longer contacting AP by e-mail, text or phone. I was ignoring the fact that I saw her most days and I was emotionally still very much in a wayward mentality. The tide needs to change and WS needs to make the marriage about you and not him. Affairs are selfish acts, our initial actions after d-day are still selfish. He needs to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to help save you and the relationship. You have to be number one priority and this, I feel, starts with getting out of the company and job tainted by his actions.

I’ll be honest: I do not believe WSes that didn’t confess but got caught in an affair are able to end contact overnight if they still work with AP. It’s impossible.

^^^^^ Yes, this is true ^^^^

My WH also used all those excuses yours does to remain with the same employer. All of them. Including the "I’ve worked hard to get where I am, I don’t want to start again" bullshit. You know it’s bullshit. Nobody ever goes back to entry level after progressing to management level.

^^^^ This too, I've no idea what your BS does or what the job market is like where you are. My own career I can leave one role and get another quite easily. Proven recently after redundancy and getting a job offer in a couple of weeks and the first job I applied for. Maybe I'm lucky?!? However, I think it's unlikely WS cannot get another job. It might be uncomfortable to leave and get another job, but it is so beneficial to you, that even if her were to leave and have to start again (nah!) this will help to ensure the safety of your marriage and therefore a must. But as said above....bullshit.

Bulchy makes good sense in my opinion. Maybe your husband should get advice from former waywards like him???

[This message edited by Beachgirl73 at 8:24 PM, Thursday, May 12th]