I'm only 2 months post D-day. WH had a 2-year affair with an ex-coworker that didn't end until I discovered it and shut it down. He says he's committed to R. We've been having difficulty finding available therapists, but he has an intake meeting with one (through his insurance) in a couple of days. He says he'll explain the situation and ask if he should start with IC or if we should start with MC. I'm trying to be patient and realize that this is a process, but the anger just keeps building in my brain and I can't make it stop. When I let it out, I act in such an ugly way that makes me dislike myself. Last night I said to him, "Congratulations, you've turned me into an a-hole!"
These are the things that just keep going through my brain that I can't reconcile:
- It was a 2-year affair! That means that the last two years of my life are tainted. Every time I look at pictures from that time, like birthdays, holidays and vacations, I can only see his betrayal. I look at his smug face in the photos and I think, "Affair. Affair. Lies. Betrayal. Jerk." It's like nothing from the past two years was real. I also know that he was always running off to call her while we were on those vacations. He says he tried to tell her he wouldn't be available to talk while he was away with us but, "She would miss me so I would try to stay in touch." She would miss him? So he let her dictate what he could do while with us? Nice.
- They left a long trail of very hurtful emails that I was (un)fortunate enough to stumble upon. I can't get over some of the things he said to her. First of all, I found out that they had sex on our anniversary two years ago. She was bitching in an email about how he didn't acknowledge her last year on Valentine's Day. She said, "It's not like holidays are that special for you and your wife since you shared your last anniversary by having sex with me!" He admits that they worked late that night and then snuck out to her car. It was during the pandemic, so we didn't make any plans to go out anywhere. I innocently (stupidly) figured he had to work late and went off to bed before he got home. Last year on our anniversary (still in the midst of the affair), he took me for a late lunch and a walk. I thought we had a nice time together and it was an effort on his part to connect with me. According to the phone bills, he talked to her before and after our "date." He says he was focused on me and our anniversary. I see it otherwise. We just had our anniversary the other day. I cannot see it as special anymore. I can only focus on the fact that he had sex with her on that day 2 years ago, and that she threw it in his face in an email. We got a bunch of Facebook message the other day, "Happy anniversary you two crazy kids! Congrats on such a long, wonderful marriage!" My mom sent us a card and a check. Yeah right, people. If only you all knew!!!!!
- One day last summer, he took me on a walk to a park in our new neighborhood. Again, I thought it was an overture on his part to spend time with me and connect (which we've been having issues with for years). Well, I found out from an email that they had met up that morning and had sex in her car. She had asked him to stay in touch with her for the rest of the day to "keep the good feelings going." The whole time we were walking, she was badgering him on email to respond to her. We decided to stop for a sandwich on the walk back and that became a huge bone of contention for her! Her email said, "Why did you take her to that park? We took a walk there last week while she was at work. I wanted that to be 'our' park! And why didn't you email me that you were stopping for lunch with her? I was waiting and waiting! You promised to stay in touch all day to keep the good feelings going with me!" After we got home, he emailed back: "I'm sorry I didn't email you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you we were stopping for lunch. I should have gone into the bathroom at the sandwich shop so I could text you. I shouldn't have let that much time go by without being in touch. Trust me, I would rather have been taking that walk with you." Nice. He swears up and down that he only said that to pacify her and that he was 100% focused on me. Right. How do I believe that? It's written right there in black and white that he would rather have been with her. How can I not be incredibly hurt and angry about that?
- After much trickle-truth, I found out that they did it in my house. Do I even want to live here anymore? It's such a huge betrayal and shows a complete lack of respect for me and our kids. Turns out he was making up excuses on Thursday nights to stay home while I took our older (autistic) son to his weekly social group. Usually, we would drive him to his 2-hour group meeting and go out to dinner before picking him up. His group is about 15 miles away, so it doesn't make sense to come all the way home while we wait for him. Our younger son frequently spent time with his GF about 3 hours away, so he was often safely away from our house. Or, sometimes our younger son would plan to come with us to have dinner while his brother was at his social group. If that was the case, WH would suddenly have a reason to stay home (Zoom meeting for a board he's on, etc.). So I would take the boys 15 miles away for a few hours while he snuck in his bi*** through the garage. They would do it on our couch (he swears up and down they were never in our room, not so much because of the betrayal but because of the fear of leaving evidence and being caught). So she laid on our couch, had sex with my husband and then used our bathroom to clean herself up. It's the same bathroom that our boys use to take their showers and brush their teeth. What sorts of things did she wipe on their towels? I clean that bathroom every week. When did I unknowingly clean up her stench while I went about my chores?
- There were so many emails where she badgered him to reveal his feelings for her. He would type in circles (he says trying to avoid lying to her), but a few times told her he loved her. He said he wanted to take her on vacations to zoos, aquariums, theme parks, national parks (these are things that our family likes doing together). He said he wanted to spend all his time with her because "we just fit." He claims those were all lies to keep her pacified. I don't know. I could never lie to someone like that. Do I believe he was lying or did/does he really have those feelings?
-He claims to have stopped all contact with her. We sat together while he blocked her phone number, blocked her email, blocked her on Facebook and deleted the messaging app they used. I have no evidence that they've been in contact, but I can't just trust him that quickly and easily. He's very good at talking himself into things. He's very impulsive and will convince himself that something is OK when it's clearly not. He's always been of the mind that what I don't know won't hurt me.
- Perhaps my biggest issue is that he lied and betrayed me for nearly 2 years. He said he tried to end it but "she said no." Yeah. I'm not that dumb. If he wanted to end it, he would have ended it. He said she would cry and make him feel guilty. Her second marriage had gone bad and her husband was sleeping on the couch every night. He has medical problems and had "let himself go" and she was no longer physically attracted to him (shallow much?). She told my WH that if he left her, her romantic and sex life would be over forever and she was only 52. So he would agree to continue their torrid affair out of guilt. I don't buy that. It only ended because I discovered it and shut it down. I firmly believe that if I had not, it would still be going strong. He would still be in it. He would still be sneaking around and lying and sneaking that b-word into my house while I took our son to his social group. He says he's not so sure it would still be going on since he had tried to end it a few times. Yeah. No. He's too weak. He likes sex too much. He would still be in it. He says it should tell me something that he dumped her the minute I confronted him. He said he could have gone off with her, or tried to keep it going somehow but he didn't. He says that should tell me that he's committed to me and our marriage. I don't know. He got caught. They got caught. He can't have sex with his little b-word anymore, so I'm what's leftover. Might as well try to rebuild with me. He says that's not how he feels. That's how I see it. That's now my hurt and anger frames it.
Thanks for letting me vent this out. To make matters even worse, we've been stuck in the house for the past week with Covid. I have very little to distract my mind from wandering. I can't go back to work until I get a negative test. Today was my first day to try and I'm still positive. One day at a time, I guess.