Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: izMAnmLqwM2y5yMBJKA

Reconciliation :
Feel like I am going crazy

default

 FairyTaleGone (original poster member #79059) posted at 2:35 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

WH has me on the brink of insanity. We have been in true R since June of last year when the last little bit of trickle truth came out. I would say that things are going pretty well for the most part, but recently WH has started stuffing his emotions back down. Pretending that everything is fine. In his mind this was working amazingly, but to me it just felt like he was pretending that nothing happened. I brought this up to him and told him that it bothers me that he doesn't seem to ever think about the A and its aftermath, that he isn't actively showing remorse or anything.

He has been walking around since that talk in what I can only assume is a shame spiral. He says things like "this is what you wanted, see I'm showing you that I'm sad" WTF, no that isn't what I wanted at all...especially not with the attitude he has. He has been more argumentative, less empathetic, and just all around crabby. I feel like he is blaming me for these negative feelings, when he should be working through this himself. I am not the cause of any of this crap, he is, and he should be accountable for all of it himself.

The last couple days have been ROUGH. He is on edge and just being short and angry, and when I bring this or any issue up, he responds horribly. he either cops an attitude immediately or I'm met with "I can never do anything right" How are we supposed to work through any issue if his attitude is so self centered and mean?

Has anyone else gone through humps like this? What did you do? i don't feel like he is so far gone that R isn't worth it, but he is changing and its making me nervous as hell.

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 101   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8729535
default

DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 3:04 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Very sorry for your WH’s behavior.
It sounds like he’s grown tired of trying.
He just wants this to be done and over with. He wants to get on with his life without putting the effort to help you heal and rebuild the marriage.
It’s like new year’s resolutions. We are good with it for awhile and then we revert back to our old ways. We stick with it ONLY and only when we are 100% committed and feel we have something valuable to lose. A smoker who is fighting lung cancer will quit smoking. A gambler who lost his home will stop gambling. It has to accompany deep introspection, true remorse, compassion toward the betrayed spouse, and sincere desire to restore what he broke.
Your WH doesn’t seem committed. He just wants you to rugsweep. He wants to take the easy way out. But hello, you are not a piece of wood that has no emotions or feelings. You have been profoundly hurt and traumatized. Your life will never be the same because of what he did. He needs to recognize this and own it.

Similar thing happened to me after my xWH’s EA 20 years ago. For a few months he was really good. He made me feel safe and hopeful. Then he became his jerky self and got angry and nasty. I couldn’t bring up the A or how I was feeling because he would shut me down. I sensed shame but i am not sure. He made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I was still hung up on the affair. I ended up living the last 20 years walking on eggshells trying to keep peace. Then he cheated again and this time he left for the AP. He never did the work the first time to fix what was broken inside of him. The cheating heart was always there and it resurfaced.

If you are not in IC please find a good therapist to help you. Your WH also needs to be in IC. And MC.
Your WH’s behavior concerns me. It needs to be addressed and corrected now or you may face heartache in the future. This is something you can’t ignore. Your sanity depends on it.

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8729544
default

prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

I am sorry this is hard. I don't really believe that you have been in R. I think you have been in recovery. Just trying to catch your breath and accept that this really happened..

R is the SUPER SUPER hard work of communicating thorugh hard feelings, shame , etc and NOT reverting to the old habits. And I know its hard to break habits but the key (for me) is if I bring this to your attention are you ready to evavlute your behavior and be open to changing or finding a different way.

If he is shutting down after you bring it to his attention, for me, that would be a red flag this we are not in R.

posts: 2058   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8729551
default

 FairyTaleGone (original poster member #79059) posted at 4:21 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Daily Gratitude, thank you for your reply, I appreciate it! This has been the first time since we had our "come to Jesus" moment where he has seemed to waiver. We are both in IC, and up until about a month ago (when he started shoving his feelings down) he has been the model WH, and I can tell that he has been sincere. Thats why the attitude shift has truly thrown me for a loop. We have been texting this morning, and he seems to be calmer and more reasonable, but like with anything else, time will tell.

Prissy

R is the SUPER SUPER hard work of communicating thorugh hard feelings, shame , etc and NOT reverting to the old habits. And I know its hard to break habits but the key (for me) is if I bring this to your attention are you ready to evavlute your behavior and be open to changing or finding a different way.

This is what kills me...up until he started masking his emotions again he was doing all of this plus more. I told him just a few minutes ago that I will not rugsweep this just because it feels better for him, and he actually agreed just now. I just don't understand where this shift came from.

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 101   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8729562
default

TheWorldYouWant ( member #78447) posted at 5:06 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Honestly...any time my STBXWH gets shady and starts being distant, even less communicative, shut down...I suspect acting out or cheating of some kind. Is he acting right now the way he acted during his affair?

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8729566
default

 FairyTaleGone (original poster member #79059) posted at 6:33 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

TheWorldYouWant It is similar but its different. That probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. He is lashing out and just being crabbier in general, but not completely hateful like he was during his A. Actually, the way he talked to me and acted during his A were what actually tipped me off to it in the first place. He drives around a lot and meets clients often for lunch, so none of the time he was spending with AP even registered to me because he had such a good cover. He now sends me the invites to every meeting he has, and if he doesn't have an invite, then he sends me a time-stamped picture while he is there. The uncertain feelings did prompt me to check the phone records and his socials and everything is on the up and up there.

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 101   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8729587
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:44 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

The uncertain feelings did prompt me to check the phone records

Having access to their phone is important, but it's a false sense of security, as they can always get a burner phone.

What work has he done on himself?

The way he is acting indicates he has little empathy for you,and feels he's " served his time," and wants you to just get over it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:45 PM, Wednesday, April 13th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8729593
default

HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 7:57 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

When JM and I began true R, I told him that NC was non negotiable and any contact would be a deal breaker. Over the next 6 months there were cycles of what I would call his funks. He’d shut down, become irritable, and was just “off.” Then he’d snap out of it.

I knew something was wrong, couldn’t put my finger on it. I finally confronted him about his phone and asked him about contact. He insisted he hadn’t broken NC. I got the records and was just dumbfounded. There was one phone call that lasted almost an hour. Then, every few weeks, a text exchange. Always initiated by him. And they corresponded exactly to the times when he was “off.”

I felt pathetic because although I’d said this was a deal breaker, I didn’t want to enforce it. I’m out day today day life he was doing all the work. He was in IC (we both were) and we were in MC.

So guess what the topic of our next MC session was?

We had an amazing MC and he knocked this one out of the park. JM sat there crying, with his head in his hands. He kept asking what was wrong with him. “I don’t want to lie to HF but I keep lying to her. I don’t want to hurt my wife but it’s all I seem to do.” Dr. Z looked at him and said “There is nothing wrong with you. You are a selfish jerk who does whatever you want at any given time without ever thinking about the consequences. And when it all blows up you throw your hands up and cry.”

Then he dropped this bomb: “You want to stop lying? TELL THE TRUTH! You want to stop hurting your wife? Stop hurting your wife. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain.”

<I have to interject some back story here so the next thing makes sense. Our MC was also JM’s IC and they worked through an incident that resulted in PTSD. JM was attacked by a guy who was beating him with a pool stick. JM had just completed Marine Corps boot camp and infantry training and it didn’t work out well for the other guy. Part of JM’s recovery included us going back to the town and exact places that he visited the night of the incident. So Dr Z was very aware of the impact of his next words.>

He said this: “The next time you feel like making a call or sending a text to this woman, pick up a baseball bat and just whack HF across the face with it.” Pause. “Better yet, make it a pool stick.”

Whew! I was honestly surprised JM didn’t start bleeding after that. I almost felt sorry for him. But that was the thing that finally got through to him.

What we figured out. He would start thinking about what he had done. He had lied to OW about me (of course) and that we were separated, headed to divorce. So he had a lot of feelings of guilt/shame about hurting her. He had no idea how to process that shit and he sure couldn’t talk to me about it. So he made that phone call. Told her how sorry he was and all that shit. He felt momentarily better. But then the fear started. What if I found out? What would he do then?? He’d stuff it all down until he started feeling bad about her again. Quick text. “Hope you’re okay.” “I’m sorry” or some such. Each time—momentary relief followed by overwhelming fear.

I can say without any doubt that he has never tried to contact her since. He has consistently worked hard to become a man of integrity and strength. He is respected and admired in our church, and our community.

So… I’m not saying your H is breaking NC. But it definitely seems like there is something he is fighting with/white knuckling. And while a lot of people will tell you that NC should be an absolute, non negotiable deal breaker, my experience was different.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8729614
default

CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 3:14 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

I went through similar with my first husband. He left, cheated, would come back home and deny, then a year later, leave again, cheat again, come back home and deny and the cycle repeated almost 2 more times until I divorced him. He had acknowledged his affairs and said he was sorry, but then he would start acting like an inconsiderate person once again and I knew I had grounds to divorce and I had our two children to protect, so I divorced him. There was emotional, mental, and physical abuse coming from him as well and it took me a bit of doing to find the strength to stand up to him as he had threatened me numerous times.

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8732985
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:11 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Has anyone else gone through humps like this?

I do remember thinking that my H and I had turned a corner...and then things would start going backwards again. I chalked it up to some of the things I have seen on here where people said that R isn't linear...three steps forward and two steps back is still progress...and that danged emotional rollercoaster. To ME...as long as WE could still move FORWARD...we were on our way to getting OUT of infidelity smile .

What did you do?

What worked for ME was that I REFUSED to settle for what we had been doing before Dday. THAT obviously didn't work THEN...and I was NOT going to go backward!! My H had told me that he would FIGHT for US every day...and I held him to that. He also told me that he would do ANYTHING to help me HEAL...and I reminded him about this as well. One thing I wouldn't allow was for us to NOT talk about something. My H was good at just stopping the conversation...but that didn't work well for me. He kept things from me for so long...almost 2 years before he even had his PA...and I was NOT going to go backward!! I did tell my H what DID work in helping me to heal smile . I am sure you have told your WH that too. In MY situation...showing my H what HELPED me to HEAL would encourage him to do more toward that goal smile .

Could it be something that is concerning your WH's limbic system...or lizard brain? Our instinctive flight...fight...or freeze response is very powerful. We don't always understand it because it isn't controlled by LOGIC...only EXPERIENCE. It doesn't matter how long ago the experience is either. What your WH is feeling may be from his childhood and it is confusing him now...could that maybe be it? My H opened up a lot more about his childhood and how it shaped his way of thinking after we started exploring our lizard brain. That is NO excuse...but it is definitely a REASON for some of the things we do...even if we don't remember WHY we are doing it. The GOOD news is that we all have the capability of retraining our lizard brain...by having different experiences smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6035   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8733127
default

 FairyTaleGone (original poster member #79059) posted at 8:01 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I have seen on here where people said that R isn't linear...three steps forward and two steps back is still progress...and that danged emotional rollercoaster. To ME...as long as WE could still move FORWARD...we were on our way to getting OUT of infidelity smile .

My H had told me that he would FIGHT for US every day...and I held him to that. He also told me that he would do ANYTHING to help me HEAL...and I reminded him about this as well. One thing I wouldn't allow was for us to NOT talk about something. My H was good at just stopping the conversation...but that didn't work well for me

This is probably the best piece of advice out there. R definitely isn't linear...its a rollercoaster with twists, turns, and some big ass free falls! We do so very good for long stretches of time, and then out of nowhere he loses his mind and starts being a jerk. He is still working with his IC, and even though he still has those moments, he is owning them and what he does wrong in those moments and what he will do differently next time. So far, he is doing really well with working past his gut reaction to lash out or be mean.

He still slips up, like this past Friday, I asked him a simple question first thing in the morning because he did something I thought was odd. He got upset and started to lash out. I held firm that I did nothing wrong and this was what he signed up for and if he wasn't ok with doing that anymore then that's fine, but I'm not going to be treated this way for asking a question that stemmed from his A. I just won't. He was still kind of ranting about it, and he stopped mid-sentence and apologized, he said that when I asked him the question, he felt a wave of guilt and shame, and he lashed out. But the important thing to me was that he corrected it. This would have NEVER happened a year ago. He is definitely not perfect, but I can see him trying.

Standing up for myself is something that has always came naturally for me, just not with him. In the beginning, right after Dday, I romanticized our relationship "but we were so happy" and "things were so good" but they weren't. Now that I have come out of the DDay fog, I realized that they were pretty bad for me, and somewhere along the road of our relationship I just stopped advocating for myself and what I needed. Not anymore. I am very clear with the things that I need from him and I communicate that now, and I won't settle for being treated any other way than what I deserve. I only started doing that after some tough love from the wonderful people on this site...it was my life preserver in the early days/months.

Could it be something that is concerning your WH's limbic system...or lizard brain? Our instinctive flight...fight...or freeze response is very powerful.

He has a crap ton of FOO issues, and they come out constantly. This is absolutely what this is. He deals a lot with feeling like he isn't good enough, or that he doesn't deserve the things that he has. This is 100% from the crap he dealt with as a kid. When I am unhappy or upset with him, this drives those things home. Although I am telling him what's bothering me in an effort to improve our communication and understanding, he takes it as I am so unhappy because he is a horrible person and will never deserve the second chance that he was given. That he will never be enough to keep me happy. This is something he is actively working on with his IC, but I think we are a ways off of self love for him, but he has made progress and I am proud of him for that.

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 101   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8733184
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:17 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

I'm not going to be treated this way for asking a question that stemmed from his A. I just won't.

YES...THIS!!!! I didn't get the closure I needed from when my 1st H left me after I caught him with the adultery co-conspirator. I didn't realize how much it affected my lizard brain until I experienced this SAME trauma again almost 30 years later. I learned NOT to settle...and you are definitely doing that too smile .

He was still kind of ranting about it, and he stopped mid-sentence and apologized, he said that when I asked him the question, he felt a wave of guilt and shame, and he lashed out. But the important thing to me was that he corrected it. This would have NEVER happened a year ago. He is definitely not perfect, but I can see him trying.

I read once how anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as guilt and shame. When I learned to focus on the primary emotion...my anger subsided a LOT! You are so right...the important thing was that your WH is correcting that flawed thinking grin ! That is an AMAZING task!!! BRAVO to him grin .

he has made progress and I am proud of him for that.

Yes ma'am. It is so GOOD that you see this progress in him and let him know it smile . This POSITIVE experience of you telling him that will help to combat the negative experiences he had to deal with from his childhood. My H is very logic driven...so it was hard for him to comprehend that his experiences from throughout his life could be a driving factor as well. Heck...I am emotionally driven...and I sure as heck didn't understand it either laugh !!

POSITIVE experiences will produce POSITIVE responses. It sounds so simple...but I guess we aren't always wired that way. I remember seeing that work with one of our children's kindergarten teacher though smile . She would turn the light in the room on and off for the children to get from play time on the floor to class time at their desks. She didn't admonish the children who were slow to get to their desks. Instead...she praised the children who were prompt at doing it. Very subtle...but very effective smile . The children WANTED to be prompt after that smile .

I distinctly remember a time when I was in 1st grade...when my teacher looked through a pile of pages that the class had colored and turned in to her. She held up a page and asked who it was that colored that page. It was ME grin ! I was so EXCITED that she chose MY page out of all of the class!! She then stated how it was the WORST coloring she had ever seen crying . I have tears in my eyes from just writing that last sentence. Over FIFTY years later that experience still affects me sad . To this day...I don't like coloring...because I am the WORST at it. My H bought me an adult coloring book and pencil colors one Christmas...so that I could combat that experience. I haven't colored a single page out of it...yet. But one day I will smile .

BTW...that username you chose...I could have chosen that one too. I really thought WE had a fairytale M!! After Dday though...I saw it wasn't as great as I always saw it before sad . I would NEVER have a fairytale M...and I adapted to that. BUT...as in most things I thought I would NEVER have again...I was wrong in my way of thinking wink . EVERY fairytale has some trauma in it. But in EVERY fairytale that involves a couple...the couple then goes on to live happily ever after smile . Don't give up on THAT dream Dear Lady. One day...you too will come to see that y'all ARE living happily ever after grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6035   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8733538
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy