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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Where does this end?

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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 10:25 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

After posting here a month or so ago, I am finding myself back in the "just found out" stage again. I didn't think it would bother me that much, since I decided to divorce my WH after learning of the first 3 affairs (one was about 10 years ago, we split for a little while but got back together, then found out about two more just recently that had been going on concurrently for about a year and a half). Turns out, it does really bother me, and new issues and emotions are brought to light.

This time, I found out about more affairs from the OW my WH moved on to when I kicked him out. She contacted me and asked if my WH had been in contact with me at all recently (he has continued to try to maintain contact with me, despite knowing that we are divorcing, and him apparently jumping right into things with the OW). We ended up messaging back and forth quite a bit last Saturday after she realized how much he had been lying to her as well (I can't believe she was surprised) and I found out about more affairs/flings (that she had known about or found out about) and more about their affair.

I was honestly floored at the brazenness of my WH. He would take her to weekend softball games and she had met his friends... some of which had been our friends for years. They never said a single word to me... needless to say my "friends circle" has shrunk a bit over the past week. I can't believe he would just flaunt another woman around and nobody thought I had the right to know that?? She also said some odd things happened even with her... one time another woman came to a softball game she was at and he spent all of his time with her, instead of the OW who he had brought with him. The other girl had apparently driven almost 3 hours to come to the tournament and my WH claimed they were just friends, but the OW got uncomfortable and ended up leaving. She found out about a number of other flings and affairs too... yet she stayed, even knowing all of this. She fully admitted she has her own issues and was afraid to be alone, so she put up with a lot from him and wanted to believe all of his lies. Even now, she says she is done with him but I have a feeling he will tell her what she wants to hear and win her over again. He's apparently got some sort of crazy mind control over women to get so many to fall for his crap and believe all of the lies he tells them.

He brought the (main) OW to his out of town offices with him, and she met clients and acquaintances of his too. He had this complete other life with her and I'm blow away by how he could pull that off (along with all of his other side flings) and I NEVER knew. I still feel like such an idiot sometimes. I also feel like I will never be able to trust myself again after falling for his crap.

I just can't believe how much more I'm finding out about... I'm certainly not back on the bathroom floor after learning even more about what a horrible person he is (I swore I would never waste another tear on that piece of trash), but it's still the sting of further betrayal all over again. Not just by my husband this time, but by people I thought were my friends too. I am thankful for the true friends I have in my life still, but knowing that others knew about all of this, and never thought they should say anything, even if they thought it was wrong, is mind blowing. It's also frightening to think that if this is all coming out now, how much more is there that I will never know about. If what I do know is just the tip of the iceberg, I can't imagine how much worse it gets. How sick does someone have to be to do the things he has done... over and over and over again. I know he meets almost all of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (8 out of 9 traits, and only 5 are needed to diagnose) but I still can't seem to wrap my head around how someone could be capable of the things he's done.

posts: 45   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8709934
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:29 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

That sucks, CeraBella. I'd be tempted to write a short note to every one of those fair-weather friends just to rip their asses as cowards. I don't know why the victims of this sort of nonsense are supposed to just meekly disappear afterward. It makes me really mad.

It's so scary finding out all these details, and I imagine doubly so when you're dealing with a narc. The thing to remember though is that narcs are particularly good at fooling people. I think we all feel like we can't trust our own judgment after the big reveal, but the bottom line is that our gut is still there. Normal people just don't think like that. We're not looking for signs of betrayal because our minds don't work that way. Narcs are particularly difficult to catch onto. This is a full time gig for them. No one gets to see their real face, right? It's not until they've extracted as much value from you as they can that they're willing to BE SEEN. They'll typically keep trying to gaslight you until it becomes clear that you're not playing anymore.

....(he has continued to try to maintain contact with me, despite knowing that we are divorcing, and him apparently jumping right into things with the OW).

Typically, narcs get nasty once they figure out that you see them for who they are and that you're done. You can take advantage of his continued dithering to push that divorce hard before he realizes that you really are onto him. Look up info on "divorcing a narc". It's a real thing. shocked

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709945
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:36 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

It appears most personality disorders begin in childhood. I don’t think a lot of people understand exactly what they are so I will try to explain. They are as much a part of your husband as are his bones. He could no more be free of them than he could his bones. He has no interest in changing because the way he is gets him exactly what he wants. There are a lot of lonely women out there and he is a predator so he knows how to find them. The best thing you can do is get away from those backstabbing so-called friends and go no contact with them and him. The further away from him you get the healthier you will be.

I hope he never tries marriage again or there will be another woman on the floor.

Take care of yourself.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8709946
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 6:14 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I'd be tempted to write a short note to every one of those fair-weather friends just to rip their asses as cowards. I don't know why the victims of this sort of nonsense are supposed to just meekly disappear afterward. It makes me really mad.

I absolutely contacted them... sent them a group message actually, letting them know how disgusted I was at their behavior and that I expected more respect than that from people who claimed to be my friends. One actually had the audacity to message me back and "scold me"... saying that my WH didn't feel the need to drag them into the middle of his personal life, so they didn't know why I had to now. I was livid, and explained that he dragged them into the middle of his personal life when he brought this OW to social events and introduced her to them. THEY chose to stay silent and not tell me... which in my eyes makes them just as guilty as he is. Needless to say, I want nothing more to do with them and have blocked them on everything.

I hope he never tries marriage again or there will be another woman on the floor.

He told the OW he's moved on to that he wanted to buy her a ring and marry her... that our divorce would be final in a couple of months (it won't - he was just lying to her). I don't know if he'd actually go through with it or not... he could have just been saying that to her to make up for all of the lies she found out about. She said she ended things with him, that she was previously married to a narc before and couldn't go down that road again, but I have a feeling that he will be able to manipulate his way back in. After everything she told me that she knew about, I was floored. She knew about other women, she knew he was controlling and jealous, she said she had to give him passwords to all of her accounts (but he would NEVER give her his), she knew that he lied to her all the time, but still she remained involved with him. She admitted to me that her kids are out of the house now, her last one left for college this year and she's afraid of being alone... I'm sure he's using that to his advantage.

posts: 45   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8710038
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:07 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

CB,

I know how badly it hurts, but try to reframe this as him reinforcing your (wise) decision to divorce him. His behavior is slamming the door and locking it behind you. But it still hurts. I know.

You are doing great- love that you are moving forward. Each new thing you learn is like shrapnel working its way out — it has to hurt and works its way out to then heal fully. Feel the feels, make some new (true) friends, and live your best life.

(((Hugs)))

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4363   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8710060
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:48 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Wow...This guy is diabolical.

There's no problem too big you can't runaway from.

RUN! And don't look back.

Do a major renovation of your friends list.

Don't blame yourself. These guys are real masters of their art of persuasion and deception. Real magician shit. And they surround themselves with fake friends who are more spectators than friends.

Fortunately, unlike most of us here, YOUR path forward is absolutely crystal clear. A foregone conclusion. No decisions or analysis to be made. Decisions have been made for you. Just execute your exit strategy like an ejection seat on a shot-to-shit aircraft falling to ground.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:50 PM, Saturday, January 15th]

posts: 776   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8710065
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 9:59 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Your story brings back memories. I went through the same thing. I'm an identical twin and very close to my sister. We grew up with the same friends. Two in particular remained very close. After a time I sensed that those friends distanced themselves from me and stayed close to my sister. It didn't bother me, as my husband and I had moved to another city and didn't see them much anymore. I never gave it a thought.

After my husband left me for his best friend's wife, these friends finally decided to disclose that he had tried to seduce both of them. Neither of them thought to tell me. I don't know it they told my sister. She remains close to one and the other one died. I had nothing to do with either of them ever, after I learned about this. You are very right to be outraged. These were never friends, so you've lost nothing. You've gained wisdom. Sometimes we need to see bad behavior face to face to understand how to avoid it in the future.

I'd like to be able to tell you to just forget about anything else and move on. It's not realistic. You will continue to have ah ha moments, where stuff you remember that didn't make sense at the time, suddenly does. It will make you mad and rightfully so. I had one of those moments when I realized years later that my ex husband had probably been screwing our nanny, while we both worked in the financial industry. She was in her early 20s. How cliche, but he thought he was ever so original. He tried to buy her a car. That was his MO. Shower the new shiny object with gifts to land her.

The good news is that while you are outraged for a time, each new discovery makes you regret less and less that it ended. You never have to deal with it again. And you are a lot less likely to be fooled twice. That's the value of "the once" as painful as it may be.

posts: 1555   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8710073
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 11:16 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Each new thing you learn is like shrapnel working its way out — it has to hurt and works its way out to then heal fully. Feel the feels, make some new (true) friends, and live your best life.

I love this analogy... it really fits. Every "new thing" I find out about hurts... further evidence of how evil he is and how easily I was manipulated. At the same time, every evil thing I learn about, reinforces my decision to walk away and save myself, making that process easier. My mind and my heart are united in that decision at least.

Thank you to everyone for your words of support and encouragement. This is such a difficult thing to work through, and I'm glad that there is a place like this where others who truly understand what you're going through can connect. As wonderful as my (true) friends are, it's nearly impossible to truly comprehend what betrayed spouses go through if you haven't been there. It really is a pain like no other.

It's also so unjust to me that people like my WH can continue to exist in this world, free of the consequences of their actions, and free to continue to inflict pain on an untold number of people. I can't even imagine the number of women my WH has hurt in his lifetime, and he will continue to do so, because it's just who he is. There should be a special place in hell for people like that, or a warning label they should be forced to have tattooed on their forehead. look

posts: 45   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8710089
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:57 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Wow your stbxh is a real treasure. Everything you have learned does show that you have made the right decision divorcing him. Over time, his bullshit will have less impact, though I know each additional betrayal is a gut punch right now. That will change.

I think you should be proud of yourself. You are owning your life, making good decisions through a very difficult time.

Stay on your path, look forward

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:35 AM, Sunday, January 16th]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8710096
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