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General :
Did my WH actually feel guilt or awkwardness in this situation?

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 Livingingrief (original poster new member #79723) posted at 7:58 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Wayward Spouses,


I need someone to help me understand this. My H AP was our neighbor and her and her husband were out friends. We would see them everyday. We would sometimes hang out with them as well. My H would talk to her husband frequently about common interests. My H had a 2 month A before cutting it off himself. My H swears he always felt awkward around them during the A but I have a difficult time believing this because he was always in contact with her husband and we would always go hang with them. If he felt guilt about it or if he felt awkward being around them, why would he continue to put himself around them. There were many times we were all together while he was in his A. Looking back, it didn't look like he felt awkward one bit. I dont know what to believe because his actions at the time tell me one thing but my H tells me another. Most people do not have to see their AP with their spouse everyday ( together hanging out or even at separate times but at the same location). How did he feel guilt for all it or how did he compartmentalize the A if the AP was always around and he had to be reminded of what he was doing on a daily basis. This is all so confusing to me. Can someone please shed some light on my situation?

[This message edited by Livingingrief at 1:59 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

posts: 21   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8709335
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:02 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

My situation is a little different, but my WH worked with both his AP and her spouse. All three worked for the same company.

Didn't stop him. Nope. When the AP spouse found out about the emotional affair, he confronted my WH. My WH and AP convinced him they stopped the affair. Nope. Not one iota of guilt for either one of them. Affair then became physical.

I think when the WS is knee-deep in the affair, their focus is solely on their little fantasy. IMO.

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8709336
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 8:07 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Livingingrief - If you are looking at getting responses from WS specifically there is a thread in the "I Can Relate" forum for questions from the BS to WS. The WS here are pretty good about trying to respond specifically there.

If you leave the thread here, you will get responses from BS too. Like mine below:

I don't think there is a one-sized fits all answer to this question. My husband was a master compartmentalizer but only to the extent that we stayed in our separate boxes. He certainly avoided us being anywhere at the same time. Part of it would be fear that I would pick up on something, but I imagine its easier to feel okay with your choice to live a double life when the lives do not overlap. I've read other stories where it sounds like the WS and the AP got a thrill out of secrets that they were keeping and by playing footsie under the table (so to speak). What does your WS say about your situation?

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8709338
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 Livingingrief (original poster new member #79723) posted at 9:17 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

He says he didn't get a thrill out of keeping a secret but I dont believe him one bit. His actions at that time do not match what he is saying he felt.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8709352
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shareonhearts ( member #52869) posted at 11:22 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Hi Livingingrief

My husband had an affair with his friends wife. Honestly, he never spoke kindly of her. Fast forward....he watches football in a bar up the street. She becomes a regular who lives 15 miles away? I don't attend regularly. Never did I think he would ever be attracted to her. She is sort of ugly inside and out. Honestly, why don't you go find a woman of your own? It's insulting, and damned rude to fuck a so called "friend".

I'm so sorry for you. I didn't hang out with this couple much but assumed they were friends of mine as well? I'm not stupid but obviously the idiot in this situation. Ah Ha laugh is on me?

Your post really hit me home. It's just a shit sandwhich served cold.

Wishing YOU loving thoughts and prayers. I hope your situation works out for you either way you decide. S

Fool me once shame on me......Fool me twice shame on YOU!

posts: 184   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2016   ·   location: California
id 8709666
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maise ( member #69516) posted at 2:58 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I asked my ex this question and she said she did not feel awkward or guilty or any of the above. She said it was like a switch she flipped. We were often in situations where her AP and I would be in the same room (her AP was a "friend" and we all had the same friend group at the time). My ex said in those situations where we were in the same room she would avoid eye contact and shut her feelings down. She said it was easy to numb out.

IMO, people that hold affairs are good at these things: shutting down, compartmentalizing, avoiding, shifting blame or justifying…so I honestly don’t believe they feel "bad" for what they’re doing bc they lack so much actual presence and accountability with themselves.

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: Divorcing

posts: 861   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8710011
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 6:51 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I dont know what to believe because his actions at the time tell me one thing but my H tells me another.

Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Especially the words of a proven liar. That is how you navigate yourself through this.

I will say that in my many years here, it is FAR less common that the cheaters 'get off' on duping their partners. There is often the illicit thrill of the affair, but not too often, at least in the stories I have seen here, that the 'exciting' part of the affair is making a mockery out of their partners.

It does happen, though. What is your gut telling you?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8710047
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