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SI's Greatest Hits

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 RealityBlows (original poster member #41108) posted at 10:47 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

I don't know if this has ever been done before. Let me know what you think.

SI has quite a collection of talented writers and philosophers who have been a positive influence to me over the years. Many of their gems take on a life of their own and have been passed down through the ages, many times without credit. It would be nice to have a bibliography here. Other impressive gems get lost as they are progressively buried deep within the ever expanding forum.

If there's some quotes out there that made a positive and lasting impression on you that may be of benefit to others, post it here, and try and credit the original author if you can.

posts: 776   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8708938
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wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 11:05 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

There's been an SI quote thread pinned to the top of Fun and Games for as long as I've been here (2007). It's fun to go through and see the funny, poignant, and thought provoking posts that have been made smile

FBH - 50 FWW - 51 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 15 & 20
The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 55014   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 8708944
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 RealityBlows (original poster member #41108) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Ok, didn't think of looking there. Thanks!

posts: 776   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8708945
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:14 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

I can't remember who said this one unfortunately, but it was life-changing for me.

CHANGING WHO THEY ARE WITH DOES NOT CHANGE WHO THEY ARE.

This in response to my fears early-on that somehow my xwh would turn into some model citizen if he started dating the 18 yo AP after divorcing me (spoiler alert - he's still the same entitled, selfish, man-child I divorced). That statement completely changed my thinking on it and I have shared it many times on SI.

As for individual contributors - sooooo many. SO many that helped me. But the ones that come most readily to mind - ChamomileTea, DevastatedDee, Thumos, BraveSirRobin, DaddyDom, AshesofKali (haven't seen her in a while), Chaos, WhotheBleep, Marz, J707, TallGirl... That list goes on and on. SI is such a great community - even though I hate how I got here I am so glad I did!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3294   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8708951
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:00 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

The healing library is a lot of "timeless posts" with credit. I guess to me the question would be, can we nominate some more recent posts to the list?

Most helpful boilerplate sort of post for me is the "Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it" post by DaddyDom on Wayward side (technically against the rules to mention the wayward posts outside of that forum though?) https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/615240/admitting-it-vs-getting-it-vs-owning-it-vs-living-it/

Come at me mods, it's sort of the topic of the post...

The quote that was really important early on was "You can't reconcile if you don't know what you're actually forgiving." by Thumos (surely this nugget is older). This prevented me from going for trickle truth or trying for R too quickly (or not since I stayed in limbo for a year with my wife dragging her feet by working with the AP laugh blush ).

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:01 AM, Tuesday, January 11th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8708959
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 12:16 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I can't recall the thread it was on but there was a quote by BraveSirRobin on the Wayward board a year or two ago where she was counselling a WS on how to help their BS and she said something to the effect of "The answer is not to find a way to get the BS up off the floor, the answer is to get down on the floor with him."

Sorry, I'm probably butchering the actual quote but it has stuck in my brain since. I think its a really beautiful encapsulation of what a WS needs to do in the aftermath of D-Day.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8708961
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HoldingTogether ( member #29429) posted at 12:21 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Here it is Emergent8:

What everyone here is trying to explain is that this doesn't get solved by you figuring out how to get him up off the floor. You need to get down on the floor with him


I knew where to find it cause I added it to the SI quote thread the first time I saw it. grin

Still think it is one of the best encapsulations of a WS’ work that I have ever read on here.

Us-Reconciled.
You keep waiting for the dust to settle, and then, one day you realize... This is it, that dust is your life going on around you.

posts: 10000   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010   ·   location: New Life
id 8708962
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 12:30 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Because I recently read all 41 pages of BS Q for WS thread (part 14), here is the full quote from BraveSirRobin, from page 14.

I agree with hikingout. This is a case of him wanting to help you up off the floor when he needs to get down on the floor with you. Your brain's method of healing requires you to experience and process that pain over and over, and so that's what he needs to do, too.

Betrayed spouses sometimes get angry when we advise WS that "you can't fix your BS." They think we mean that it's not the WS's problem to solve, so we can stop worrying about it. But in actuality, it is agonizing to learn that we broke someone we love and are powerless to glue them back together. Acknowledging that we've inflicted damage that we cannot repair, and witnessing that struggle without defensiveness or avoidance, is a huge part of the work. You don't do either of you any favors by trying to spare him.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 12:34 AM, Tuesday, January 11th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708965
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 12:48 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I also really like BSR's response to what is love from a WS perspective (page 7 of the same thread if you want more context)

On the topic of love for their BS during A:

If you're asking "Did you enjoy spending time with your BS, were they attractive to you, did you have great sex, did you miss them when they weren't around, did you like doing things to make them happy, did you still have dreams and plans for the future with them, was staying with them your Plan A," then the answer is yes.

If the question is "Did you have their back, did you keep your promises to them, did you respect their agency, did you put the needs of your relationship ahead of your own selfish desires and self-protection, did your actions reflect genuine care for their well-being," then the answer is no.

You need all of these things for real love.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 12:48 AM, Tuesday, January 11th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708968
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 1:05 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

HoldingTogether, OldMe - you guys are amazing! I can’t believe you knew what I was referring to (and so quickly). I still think it’s excellent (and even better in context). ☺️

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8708973
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 1:10 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

So many things I could mention but the most profound and meaningful for me personally was when BSR jumped into my own thread and provided a spot on analysis of what we will just call "the true story of the boy with the baseball bat."

It was a tremendously healing moment for me and a breakthrough in ways I can't even put into words -- even if it didn't resolve my situation with my WW. Life is not linear and we often need these moments in the midst of great pain.

Devastated Dee, Ellie, Nekonamida, BSR, Hiking Out, Faithful Man, But for the Grace and TIF have meant a lot to me. So have Sisoon and Bigger even when I have disagreed with them. Many others I could name.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:02 PM, Tuesday, January 11th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8708974
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 1:51 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

An apt description of TT that has stuck with me from one of the wittiest posters I have read:

Funnelcakes on TT in General:

In our case, I'd say it's been a case of low-grade shitweaseliness combined with an outbreak of minimization, a spike in blameshifting, with episodes of situational amnesia, bizarre word salad cheater aphasia, and delusions that Herr Funnelcakes could somehow manage the message after the cat got out the bag.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2948   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8708977
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 9:37 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I've been collecting quotes for a couple of years. Here's a few of them. Sorry I didn't save the authors' names, all I can say is they're all smart people.

I'm sorry but accusing you of being "controlling" is just a cheater's way of saying they want to live like a single person.
--
Oh man, NC is the best route, but part of me would really want to reply with the title of "I owe you a big Thank You" and the body of the email read, "...for reminding me that I am so glad you are no longer in my life. As for the apology I owe you - I am sorry I didn't dump you sooner."
--
"When it doesn't make sense, that's because it's not the truth. When you have the truth, it will make sense."
--
"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness." - Tolstoy
--
I had to ask my W about this one. She said, "there is only one reason to go meet the ex in person, at his place, at night. If you really just need to talk, you can call on the phone. And if you have nothing to hide, you can call him sitting right in front of your husband."
--
What some people call "controlling" other people call "I don't want my wife to have a boyfriend"
--
you are going about this like 99% of men that have been given the ILYBINILWY speech, and will get the same result, which is a long, long time of misery.
--
What you mean the OM hasn't any consequences???
Look who his new girlfriend is!!!! <-- this one I remember is from the_guy posted on another infidelity forum, cracked me up!
--
I asked STBXW if she wanted to make sure S1 goes to a school with wheelchair access. When she asked Why I said because by the time he graduates your boyfriend will be in a wheelchair. gotta make sure he can get around.
--
Ignore her mixed messages. They will be guilt mixed with rationalization mixed with protecting her ego mixed with just wanting you out of the way. With a side order of "please don't move on before me."
--
This last one is from here on SI just the last week or so:

We only have one tool in our arsenal in terms of infidelity... and that's our robust REFUSAL to put up with it. Instead, we can walk away

posts: 405   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8709014
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 11:50 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I have always been impressed by the quality of the writing here. Some very bright people.

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8709020
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 1:38 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Most helpful boilerplate sort of post for me is the "Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it" post by DaddyDom on Wayward side (technically against the rules to mention the wayward posts outside of that forum though?) https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/615240/admitting-it-vs-getting-it-vs-owning-it-vs-living-it/

Come at me mods, it's sort of the topic of the post...

laugh

Posting as a member (because I haven't checked this response with the powers that be), I believe you're fine. That guideline exists to prevent taking information out of a safe space where work is being done. For instance, if a WS were to post, "I'm pining for AP, what do I do," that might trigger a reader who then takes that information into General. There are no rules against venting and name calling in General, so such a move would end run the Wayward Forum protections. If you simply say, "I found this thread interesting, take a look," then anyone who comments on it in Wayward is subject to the forum guidelines (and members who are banned from Wayward can't comment at all).

The only case I can think of where you shouldn't even reference a thread title is if both members of a couple are posting independently. "Hey, BS, did you see this thread your WS just posted" (or vice versa) is likely to create a headache for the mods.

**EDITED TO ADD: I checked with the mods, and they said that as a rule, threads in Wayward shouldn't be named or linked outside the forum. It's ok to say "I read a thread in Wayward that made me think about x," but not "I was thinking about BSR's thread/post in Wayward." However, given the specific nature of this thread, which asks for recommendations, you're good with your link here.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:31 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2379   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8709029
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:28 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Thumos and Ellie. blush You two are mighty important to me here too.

One of the most important things I ever read during this was "see what you see and know what you know" and it wasn't here, but it was profound to me at the time as I was being gaslit and not how to even believe myself. I've seen it stated different ways here by numerous people and it was one of those things that snapped me out of denial and I love it whenever I see that sentiment.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4783   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8709036
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 10:31 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Here's a great one for new BS looking to R wanting a general guide for the steps a WS takes to being remorseful. From the wise member hikingout:

If I were a bs, knowing what I know now, and I was interested in seeing if we could work it out - I would watch more for progress. Continual and consistent progress. I think many WS's go through stages, and some of the stages can vary or be omitted by the type of affair they had. Here is some general things I think are common:

1. After dday - some disorientation. They told themselves stories while in the affair to justify it to themselves. That has to begin to unravel as they reach for their whys and hows. Some of us go through affair withdrawal, which is we miss the chemicals that flooded our brain during the affair. We are sad and disjointed for a period of time.

2. The digging of the whys took me a good 8 or 9 months. And, The reason they are important to your question is they have to own that they had the affair - this is completely on them - that nothing you did or didn't do caused it.

3. As they realize this is on them, they will be freed up more to focus more energy on listening to you, understanding you, and taking responsibility.

4. This leads to remorse. I was getting to remorse by about the 9th month and that's continued to deepen as I understand more and more of what I have done.

Those are just general things. There are all sorts of bumps in the road or nuances that could effect things. Some will draw out the trickle truth and trying to protect your image of them for a longer period of time. Some have trouble leaving justifications aside. We get stuck along the way in our pride, shame, etc.

I have also seen some come to this site that got it all and got it very quickly, way quicker than I have. I would say about a year for me...but I have seen others draw that out to 2 and 3 years. I also know from some bs's here that some don't ever seem to get it.

So, with you being just a few months out, I would say watch and wait, and look for progress and that they are fighting to get to the right place. That their actions are consistent with wanting to R.

Source is ICR BS Q for WS part 13, page 4.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 10:32 PM, Tuesday, January 11th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709163
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:40 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Too many names to list - but so many here held me up when I didn't have the strength to stand. So many gave me strength when I had none. Some have made me laugh and smile when I didn't think I ever would again. And so many are directly responsible for the reconstruction of the BASGU [Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn] that is Chaos. Some I've gotten to know IRL and love the friendship that has blossomed. Some who have helped me no longer post here and hopefully are moving on with their wonderful lives [some as married - some as single]. I think of them often and fondly.

A while ago there was a Glossary of sorts on the Betrayed Womenz thread full of one liners. They never failed to make me chuckle and some have bled over into my every day vernacular.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8709534
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