Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Caught again

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 lmanuel (original poster new member #79599) posted at 5:39 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Caught my daughter in a lie again but she doesn’t know. She told my SIL that she was going out of town to Christmas shop with granddaughter for the night. She sends SIL a picture of granddaughter in hotel room doing crafts. We notice a pair of men’s sunglasses under some clear packaging. So disappointed in her lack of morals and integrity. I’m losing respect for her. She obviously wants out of marriage but thinks her family is too stupid to pick up on her lies. So ashamed.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8699530
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

She obviously wants out of marriage but thinks her family is too stupid to pick up on her lies.

Maybe she does, and maybe she doesn't, but the one thing that is almost universal is not only how they believe their own lies, but think that others will believe them also.

I know that your SIL has to be reeling, but his fastest path out of this nightmare is for him to take back control of his life. If what you saw is real, I would be beside myself if my child was near the other man. I'd be lawyering up so hard and so fast in an effort to keep that POS away that your daughter's head would spin. Cold, harsh reality would be the name of the game.

I hope that he sees this.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3855   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8699540
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:47 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Is the OM married? If so,tell his wife

And call her out in her bullshit. Every time. I'm unfamiliar with your story. What is her husband doing about his wife's ongoing affair?

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8699541
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 9:17 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

I would text her back asking whose sunglasses those are, your SIL says that they are not his.

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8699550
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 lmanuel (original poster new member #79599) posted at 9:57 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

My SIL is still in shock and grieving big time. He has a gentle nature but this might change it. I know he’s hoping that she will come to her senses. I want to confront my daughter about the glasses but I’m afraid that she get back at me by keeping my granddaughter away from my husband and I. That is why I tread lightly. I feel stuck and I don’t know what my role is here. I want to help but not cause further pain.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8699552
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 10:35 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Yes I do understand. I would advise your SIL though to lawyer up. I think your daughter is really deep in the fog, and so he now needs to protect himself and your granddaughter. I know this has to be very hard for you, please do keep posting here, we are rooting for you, your SIL, and granddaughter, and for your daughter to wake up.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:39 PM, Sunday, November 21st]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8699555
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:03 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Please share this site with your SIL. He needs the support,and we can help him get out of infidelity.

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8699558
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 lmanuel (original poster new member #79599) posted at 11:27 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

My SIL doesn’t speak English very well but I do share the information and advice with him gently. His spirit is broken and I’m trying to support him at his pace. I did suggest he seek a lawyer for unbiased advice. It’s hard for me as the MIL cause I feel as my daughters mother, I should have her back too. On a good note, I get to spend tomorrow afternoon with my granddaughter. Thank you everyone, you are all keeping me strong and give me courage. My poor husband is a mess, he doesn’t sleep and barely eats. This is not what we expected in our retirement. 😢

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8699560
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:17 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

With you writing that your daughter is the type of person who would deliberately keep you and your grandchild apart out of spite speaks volumes about her nature despite her infidelity. She sounds like a very selfish character.

Could you not make a visitation deal with your SIL? It sounds like you are in his support circle and you mention he is kind natured. I don't see how you two can't come to some agreement that doesn't leave you cut off.

Ignoring this is harmful for everyone (as you are seeing), inaction out of fear is not healthy for anyone. Infidelity doesn't work like what your SIL, and to a point you, are thinking it does, you don't just "get it out of your system", it just doesn't work like that, it's not a phase. This could have been going on for some time, it's the pandemic, how often is she exposing your granddaughter, yourself, your husband and your SIL to risk every time she sneaks away?

If it takes safety in numbers confront together to show a united front but doing nothing and wishing it'll just end solves nothing.

There are a handful of infidelity recovery books that are published in different languages. Your SIL could always post here in his native language, you never know someone might be fluent enough to help or use a translation app to help as much as possible. Now isn't the time to throw up road blocks on healing.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:19 AM, Monday, November 22nd]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8699582
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:05 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Maybe you need a realistic stance…
How old is your granddaughter?
Do you think it’s healthy for her to be in hotel rooms where her mom is meeting her lover?

I’m not implying that they are having sex or being romantic in anyway with GD in the room, but if what you share is correct then it definitely sounds like OM is with her.

I suggest you two (SIL and YOU) stop trying not to mention the big pink elephant in the room. Phone your daughter and tell her that she’s free to do whatever she wants with her marriage but that the disrespect she’s showing her husband needs to stop. She can divorce, she can reconcile, but she can’t carry on like that.
Ask her how she thinks about spending time with daughter and OM in a hotel room. Offer that you take care of the daughter if she cant separate the child and the affair.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8699627
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 10:18 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

I agree with Bigger, including the offer to take the GD if your DD cannot separate her A/AP from her child. That is heartbreaking to read.

And, YOU (nor your spouse) need to carry your kid's shame. I get it, one of my kids is an addict AND a cheater (even after seeing me in the deepest/darkest hours of despair after my own DDay, and being more aware than I'd like about what my WH has been up to during our M. The "good" news is that as far as I know, my kid did come clean to the BSO the last time).

In any event, it sucks. And I totally understand why you want to tread lightly.

You MAY want to speak to an attorney about grandparent visitation rights in your state. It's a sticky wicket generally, but you never know what a particular state may allow (esp if you have a preexisting relationship with GD).

Not saying anyone is CoD or anything like that, however, I did find that the teachings of AlAnon (which I got into bc of my addicted kid) have been SUPER helpful dealing with said kid, including WRT cheating. I can express my love and support for my child AND express my disappointment in actions / behaviors like cheating. They are not mutually exclusive. Find your boundaries, if you can.

Sending hugs.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3509   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8699695
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:02 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I fully understand that is is upsetting for you. It must be so hard to watch. I think you should tread lightly and solely focus on your grand daughter. She is the only one who needs protection here. Both parents are adults, I think you can support your grand daughter and not approve of or support your daughters behaviour.

If your daughter wants to talk she will ask, so stay available.

I am sorry that you are in this position, it must hurt to the core.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1677   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8699753
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